Satirical fiction in newspaper form
The President and Governors of the University of West Terrier announced today that Herman Stoat will speak at this year’s annual Open House.
According to a post on the university’s web site, the renowned dancer, choreographer, and UWT alumnus will talk about his UWT experience and the rôle of higher education in the arts.
The full announcement appears on the University’s web site.
BREAKING NEWS
A small group of actors and playwrights from The Park’s Burrow Theatre is planning to open a new performance area known as The New Harmony Theatre.
In an official statement released this morning, the group that now calls itself The Rapporties said it wants to dedicate its talent to the pursuit of harmony in The Park.
“We have seen the devastation, both outside and inside The Park, that a lack of harmony can cause. We think The Park has matured now to the point that we as artists should be dedicating ourselves to the pursuit of harmony and this is our contribution,” the statement reads.
Alejandro Topo, a spokesAnimal for The Rapporties, told Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros this morning that the site of the new theatre will be a small parcel of land near the Tartan Crab Memorial Pond.
“We thought it was fitting, in light of what happened to the Tartan Crab, that we should honour him by attempting to achieve harmony where he rests,” Topo said.
The New Harmony Theatre will open in the late Spring.
The Mammalian Daily has chosen Noreen as its 2014 Animal of the Year.
In a press announcement this morning, TMD managing editor Orphea Haas said the newspaper’s staff chose to honour the advice columnist and adjunct professor of Human Studies because of her “tireless efforts” on behalf of zoocracy and her commitment to achieving harmony among the species.
“Noreen has been at the forefront in the struggle to achieve harmony among the species. She has been committed to interspecial understanding from the beginning of her career. She has worked tirelessly in an effort to help other Animals achieve awareness, understanding, and acceptance of our differences, thereby upholding one of the most important tenets of zoocracy. Her recent book, Lovely To Look At: What Animals Should Know About Humans, is just another example of her endeavours in this regard. Noreen is a true champion of zoocracy and an upstanding Park citizen and we are pleased to honour her as our 2014 Animal of the Year,” said Haas.
The Park Museum will celebrate its official opening in March rather than as previously stated in January, it was announced on Sunday.
In a short communiqué posted on its web site, the museum’s Board of Governors confirmed the official opening date of 1 March 2015.
No mention was made of any previous opening day announcements, nor was any reason given for the change. There is, however, a record of a series of meetings that were held in late October between the museum’s Board of Governors and a number of organizations representing The Park’s hibernating communities. Many believe those meetings resulted in the later opening date.
“Yes, we did meet with them and they were very sympathetic to our situation, though they weren’t able to give us an answer immediately,” says Tarquinius P. Shrew, president of the Small Animal Scientific Community (SASC), many of whose members are hibernators.
“Our members have contributed greatly to scientific knowledge in The Park and they [the board of Governors] did seem to understand that opening the museum without our representation seemed unfair.”
Shrew says the meetings were also attended by representatives of the Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC) and the Confederation of Ground Squirrels (CGS).
In an interview this morning, Eduarda Teresinha Coelho, 2015 Keeper of the Nut, said she is “so pleased” that the museum re-thought its opening date.
“I think they were so focussed on not having another delay that they didn’t realize what they’d done initially,” she said.
“But they’ve demonstrated their commitment to inclusiveness and that will be much appreciated by the hibernators. It will make the museum truly ‘Our Museum,’ as the slogan says.”
Read the Park Museum’s announcement.
“All Our Lines Are Busy.” Full staff represents the importance of music in Park life.
The Park Museum will host a fundraiser on February 29, 2016 in support of its as-yet-unopened music gallery.
In an announcement today, the museum’s Board of Governors invited all Park Animals to “a spectacular night of song, dance, food, and fun.” All proceeds, according to the announcement, will go toward the completion of the music gallery.
A spokesAnimal for the Board said the evening’s theme of “All Our Lines Are Busy” is meant to reflect the importance of The Park’s vibrant arts community and, in particular, its musical one.
“From the beginning, music has been a very important component of our life here,” said the spokesAnimal. “The Board of Governors, as well as many others, believe that music is fundamental to zoocratic life. Without a full [musical] staff, we would not be The Park that we are.”
The Board has requested that those attending respond at rsvp@parkmuseum.info.
The museum’s invitation may be read here.
Get ready to party hard and party long: The Park’s 2016 Celebration of the Winter Solstice will begin tomorrow at sunrise and end—officially, that is— at three o’clock in the morning on December 22.
“We’re pulling out all the stops this year. It’s going to be a celebration to end all celebrations,” Aintza Kanariar said, as she announced the official schedule as per the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations.
So fully packed will this holiday festival be, that it will be hard to find a band or a performing artist who is not participating.
In fact, Kanariar said, the only performers who will not be making an appearance tomorrow will be those who are in hibernation. Among them, of course, is Millicent Hayberry, who reportedly has sent a video message to Solstice celebrants.
In addition to Belles and Whistles, music makers who will take the stage include:
The Feral Four
The Canary Cousins
Spontaneous Generation
Les Chiens Débraillés
SCENTient Beings
Jargonhead
The Cynics
Will.o.be
Memes of Production
Last Stand
Eggie and The Pigs
ZEAL
Inktvis and Krake
The All-Rodent Marching Band
The DomEstyx
The Beasts of Burden
NIML
Fish Rap
The Endeka Elephant Band is scheduled to make a special appearance at noon, Kanariar confirmed. They will be introduced by Thisbe and the Barkettes.
Other highlights of the celebration include:
As always, a major component of the celebration will be the food.This year’s fare will be provided by The Battering Ram Café, The Compost Heap, The Broop ‘n Miaow, The Draft, The Pound Gastropub, and The Cackling Goose Tavern. Mikko Tikkeri’s The Feeding Station will be serving a full breakfast just after the solstice occurs and chef Tab Tricolore will host an afternoon and evening “feral buffet.” Ants in Your Pantry and Provisions by Petrounel will once again send all attendees home with tasty party favours.
The Celebration of the Winter Solstice begins at sunrise on December 21. Food will be served throughout the event. The Solstice will occur at 5:44 a.m. Local Park Time (LPT).
Next week’s celebration of the Winter Solstice will not only be spectacular, it will be “a taste of things to come,” according to Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations.
In fact, the annual Winter festival will be the “unofficial kick-off” to The Park’s year-long celebration of the thirty-fifth anniversary of zoocracy.
The “totality of Park life” will be celebrated in 2017, not just Animal self-rule, Kanariar told reporters at a press conference yesterday.
“Every aspect of our culture, our politics, and our life here will be represented in our 2017 celebrations,” she said. “It will be a chance for all of us to come together and acknowledge this great thing that we have accomplished in The Park.”
And, should you feel a case of Non-Hibernators’ guilt coming on, Kanariar was quick to assure that “every Animal’s species and way of life will be recognized” and every Animal will have a chance to attend the many events planned for 2017.
As for the Winter Solstice, Kanariar said the full schedule will be released on the weekend.
INTERVIEW
Rapper Will.o.be. sips spring water from a bowl.
“I want to keep my voice healthy and strong…for this interview and for the trial. I want to tell my story and I don’t want to sound the least bit hesitant,” he states.
Even so, he has limited this interview to ten minutes, so that he can continue to get into shape for his trial on Monday.
His legal representative, Sebastian Shepherd, lies a few feet away from him. Shepherd is a partner in the prestigious Park law firm of Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd. He can see all and hear all but he promises he won’t intervene.
“The truth needs no clarification,” he says bluntly.
The rapper flicks his whiskers, anticipating a barrage of questions, only a few of which he’s prepared to answer. Nevertheless, he displays a lovely demeanour; he is not nearly as aggressive offstage as he is when he is performing.
“Without giving away too much,” he offers, “a lot of that is an act. But do I feel rage? Yes, I do. And I believe that we all should.”
These days, his rage is focused mainly on the three charges he plans to fight before a judge on Monday: two charges of assault on an Oak Tree and one charge of mischief.
“This whole thing is outrageous,” he states firmly. “I unequivocally deny that I ever did such a thing [sharpening his claws on an Oak Tree] — not on the night in question or ever in my life.”
There are witnesses, those who were in attendance at the Beats of Burden Music Festival, who say they saw him do just that. But there are no photographs.
“The evidence, as such, amounts to hearsay,” the rapper says. “And not only hearsay, but worse. It’s a scheme to defame me and my music, to say that I have no respect for The Park, to punish me for my success because not all of it came from The Park.”
This is not the first time Will.o.be. has made that charge. And this is what is true: much of his success has come from his time performing outside The Park.
“They say I objectify Animals, that I allow myself to be laughed at by Humans and others…that it’s not my music but my so-called antics that have made me successful. Well, I dispute that. I don’t play for Humans. I don’t expect them to understand. If they buy tickets to my concerts, I can’t help that, but I have used that money to help Park Animals. Before, they could only criticize me for the Human element at my concerts. But, with this new charge, they’ve drilled deeper. They’re saying that I have no respect for other forms of life and that is despicable. And they’ve kept me away from my beloved Park Trees for almost three months.”
As the interview draws to a close, Will.o.be. offers to show me his claws, the ones that he is accused of sharpening on a Tree that is a cousin to The Park’s much-revered Ancient Oak. I question the gesture: no matter how they look, they can provide no evidence of anything, so many months after the charges were laid.
But, as it turns out, I may be wrong. The rapper who is so in-your-face about Animals living a “natural” life appears to have his claws professionally clipped on a regular basis.
“And that’s just a preview of my evidence,” he says, purring.
See also: Rapper Will.o.be. to stand trial for defacing Tree at music fest
Rapper Will.o.be. will stand trial on Monday. Watch this space for up-to-the-minute reports.
A new biography of The Park’s first leader highlights a pivotal moment in Jor’s life, and it is a moment for which all residents of The Park will feel gratitude, says the book’s author.
“There was a time, during Jor’s early years, when he wasn’t working toward interspecial harmony, when such pursuits hadn’t even entered his mind,” says Daphne D.S. Katze.
“Up until then [this turning point], he was a regular Cat. And only those very close to him, such as his sister Zoë (also known as ZoëCat), knew what happened that fateful day and how it changed him. He went from being a domestic Cat in pursuit of Feline pleasures, to [being] a champion of all species and a hero to many,” Katze says.
According to its publisher, Prionailurus Press, Katze’s book stands out from all the other biographies of the founder of modern zoocracy because she was given “unfettered access” to his papers, as well as all other documents concerning him, including The AutoZOËography of ZoëCat, the now-recovered autobiographical work of his older sister.
“Daphne [Katze] was able to glean so much from that alone. Even without looking at the other material, she would have had a book that tells us more than we have ever known about Jor,” says Momoko Yamaneko, Editor-in-Chief of Prionailurus Press.
Katze’s book, Jor: The Extraordinary Life of an Ordinary Cat, is scheduled to be released early in the new year.
It wasn’t just his specist lyrics. Or the direction his tentacles pointed. Or even the tattoo (unprintable in this newspaper) on his shell.
It was, as the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) put it, “a combustible combination of the three” that led them to call Park Police to remove rapper SnailMale from the stage at this past weekend’s Stereotype Sunday.
Speaking at a press conference this morning, Cornelius Kakapo, Director of Public Relations for the Department of Well-Being and Safety, said although the department would not press charges against the rapper, he most definitely would be banned from performing at major events in The Park “for some time.”
“We believe he intended to be incendiary and that is his prerogative when he performs on his own at events that he has organized and that Animals have paid to attend. But it was absolutely inappropriate to bring that type of attitude and set list to an open event and, particularly, to an event that is organized to promote interspecial harmony,” Kakapo said.
According to Kakapo, most attendees were in agreement with the department’s decision to remove the rapper from the stage mid-performance.
“We had an enormous amount of feedback on this and I would say ninety percent of it is positive in terms of our actions,” he said.
SnailMale, whose songs are known to be angry and aggressive, has displayed specist tendencies in the past, but he has also been a supporter of interspecial harmony in The Park. In an open letter on his web site posted yesterday, the rapper said he was “unfairly treated and unjustly removed” from the event.
“They knew my work when they invited me to perform. So, why did they remove me for being who I have always been?” he asked.
