The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Park Museum confirms basketball theft

By

Flyball and the Importance of Balls in the Everyday Life of Park Animals

The basketball seen above was stolen from The Park Museum last night, police say

BREAKING NEWS

The basketball that belongs to Mammalian Daily sports columnist and balls specialist Bailey has disappeared from The Park Museum.

The ball—seen in the middle at the top of the display at left— was lent to the museum by Bailey and formed an important part of the “Flyball and the Importance of Balls in the Everyday Life of Park Animals” exhibit, which opened on May 8.

In a joint statement released early this morning, the museum and Park Police confirmed the overnight burglary.

“We regret to inform the public that The Park Museum will be closed today, as a result of an overnight burglary. Park Police will be on site for the duration of the day, gathering evidence and speaking to witnesses. Any Animal who has any knowledge of this crime or who saw anything suspicious in the area surrounding the museum yesterday afternoon, evening, or overnight, should contact Park Police right away,” the statement said.

All lands around the museum have been cordoned off for the investigation. A spokesAnimal for the police said they hoped to recover the ball as soon as possible.

“The first few hours are crucial and although the crime was not discovered until very early this morning, we are hopeful that we’ll be able to recover the ball intact today,” she said.

Beasts of Burden surprise farmers, tech companies with offer of pub for meeting

By

The DraftThe Beasts of Burden have offered their pub, The Draft, as the venue for a meeting—or a series of meetings—of The Park’s farmers and technology companies. And they’re hoping their offer is one the two warring groups will not refuse.

The wildly popular band made the offer through their manager, Ignatius Herder, on the Yannis Tavros radio show yesterday afternoon.

It was as much of a surprise to him, Herder said, as it was to Tavros. Herder, a guest on the show, was discussing the rôle of music in The Park when he received a text message from the group announcing their offer of the pub.

“We heard Ignatius talking about music and its rôle in subduing dissent and in peacekeeping and it suddenly occurred to us, ‘He’s talking about us!'” said lead signer Alfredo Ox.

Not that the singers have appointed themselves peacekeepers.

“We’re nothing of the sort,” snorted Ox in an interview with The Mammalian Daily this morning. “We’re much better known for stirring up trouble. But this is an important issue and it can only be resolved by the parties involved. We thought, we’ve got a place for them where they can fight it out and maybe come to an agreement. It’s the least we can do,” he said.

As of the publication of this article, however, there has been no response to the offer either by the farmers or the technology companies.

Eggie and The Pigs, Weather Makers pull out of Anixi Agrarian Jubilee

By

Eggie and The Pigs

Eggie of Eggie and The Pigs

Eggie and The Pigs will not be opening Friday’s Anixi Agrarian Jubilee.

In an announcement posted on the group’s web site, Eggie said the group did not feel it could perform at the event due to the tension between The Park’s farmers and technology companies.

“Our farmers are our most precious resource. We cannot, in all conscience, perform at an event that celebrates the beginning of the growing season if our farmers are not there. That would be an act of disrespect,” he said.

On Monday, the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF) said its members would not attend the Jubilee unless technology companies agreed to meet with its members to discuss the production and distribution of food-finding apps. Thus far, no technology company has made any move to do so.

In a separate announcement, Kalliope Sun Bear, president of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP), said that her members had scheduled a vote for tonight to decide whether or not to attend the event.

Jubilee chief organizer Miriam Wapiti said on Tuesday that the event would go on as scheduled, no matter what the various groups decided.

“The Jubilee does not depend on any one group. It’s a celebration of Spring and renewal that we hope all Park Animals will take part in,” she said.

Squeakeasy Tuesdays: is it poetry or is it polemic?

By

owl reading

Tuesday nights at the Squeakeasy used to be about the art of poetry.

Poets—young and old, professional and amateur, aspiring and established—flocked to the pub to read their latest creations. It was a safe place to get some feedback on your work.

“You could see and hear the response to your poetry immediately. The audience was very opinionated and they were known for that. If they didn’t understand or they thought they had a better idea, they’d tell you. And it was honest and that’s what made it valuable. It wasn’t tied in with anything else. It was just the writing,” poet Winston Wombat told The Mammalian Daily.

But these days, it seems things are different. Organizers are wary of discussing it openly, but poets themselves admit the priorities have changed.

“It’s gone from the lyrical to the polemical. Everything has become more political,” says Setsuko Macaque, the award-winning haiku poet who is revered throughout The Park.

“Even the audience has changed. It depends on who is reading that week. That’s not how it used to be. Before, the place would be full because the audience wanted to hear poetry. Now, it’s this group or that group, this poet’s or that poet’s followers. It’s all different, ” she says.

Poet Marcus Mosquito agrees.

“You didn’t pick and choose. You came here to hear new poems and, obviously, to have a drink. But you were open to new things, new ideas. Now it’s shut down. If it’s not your poet, if it’s not your point of view, you won’t be here. I think that’s a very closed-minded way to be.”

Fowl Ball fully hatched: organizer touts mature event for 2016

By

Fowl Ball

The Park’s third annual Fowl Ball will take place on Tuesday, May 31, 2016

The Fowl Ball is all grown up and ready to be the “main event”of The Park’s Spring social season.

“We had some growing pains, there’s no doubt about that. But we’re happy to say we’re over them and we’re ready to move forward as a mature event,” Rafael Ortega said this morning.

As the sole guest on Toro Talk Radio’s Yannis Tavros show, the Ball’s chief organizer had the opportunity to expound on his goals for the charity affair and some of them seemed quite lofty. But Ortega had an answer for any doubters:

“Birds like to think big and fly high,” he said.

Ortega has achieved many of his goals thus far. In two short years, he has made the Fowl Ball one of the most anticipated events on The Park’s social calendar. And it has brought in more money than Ortega anticipated it would do in the course of five years.

Indeed, on its own, the Ball has funded the establishment of The Park’s first retirement residence for wounded and elderly members of the Avian community. The residence is set to open this Autumn, but Ortega says he won’t be spending the time between now and then “sitting pretty” or resting on his laurels.

“My goal is to make the Fowl Ball not just a signature event, but a Park institution,” he told Tavros.

Doubters: consider yourselves warned.

The Park’s third annual Fowl Ball will take place on Tuesday, May 31, 2016. Tickets are on sale now and are available at all Park retailers, as well as at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre. 

Park Museum’s Flyball exhibition to open at noon on Sunday, May 8

By

Flyball Dog

The Park Museum’s Flyball exhibition will open at noon on Sunday May 8

The Park Museum announced today that its first exhibition dealing with sport will open at noon on Sunday, May 8.

Flyball and the Importance of Balls in the Everyday Life of Park Animals will feature more than five hundred works that illustrate the relationship of Park Animals to balls and sport. These works include oil and watercolour paintings, photographs, sculpture, works in metal and glass, and textile impressions, all of which celebrate balls and the way they inform Park life.

The exhibition was co-curated by The Park Museum’s resident curator Dorika Pumi and Mammalian Daily Balls columnist and sports historian Bailey.

This is the first time that Bailey has been involved in what he calls “institutional” work. In an interview on TMD Radio this morning, he talked about his association with the museum and the generous donation of his private collection of balls to the exhibition.

“I was honoured to be associated with The Park Museum. They are real professionals and serious about their work,” he said. “I didn’t hesitate for a minute in making the donation, which was my idea, in fact.”

He went on to praise the museum’s staff and said he had a “great working relationship” with them.

“The dedication of museum staff and the meticulousness they brought to their work impressed me. We’ve developed a mutual understanding and respect that goes beyond this exhibition and I hope I will be able to work with them again.”

Flyball and the Importance of Balls in the Everyday Life of Park Animals will run until the end of October.

Cornelio Lontra wins big at yesterday’s Toe-Hair Contest

By

Cornelio Lontra

Cornelio Lontra flipped when he won The Park’s 21st Toe-Hair Contest

The winner of the 2016 Toe-Hair contest literally flipped when he heard the announcement.

“I really thought it would go to Chico [Chinchilla]. I couldn’t believe they called my name,” Cornelio Lontra said.

But call his name they did, after head judge Sierpinski Squirrel confirmed the judges’ unanimous choice.

“They were beauties,” judge Antonio Marcelo said on TMD radio this morning. “They were obviously carefully cultivated. No Animal in the contest could match them.”

And as for Lontra’s friend Chinchilla, he did, in fact, win second prize, while Indira Gecko took home third.

Meanwhile, Lontra is still waiting for it all to sink in.

“I am still stunned, even a day later,” he told The Mammalian Daily via telephone. “When I woke up this morning and it was still true, I was amazed.”

Park Animals sighted at celebrity can opening

By

Hill of cats and dogsA number of Park citizens were caught on camera yesterday afternoon, eating, partying, and rubbing up against celebrities at a can opening outside The Park.

According to the gossip web site headsNtales, which published a series of pictures taken at the outdoor event, a “large group of Park Animals” attended the can opening hosted by Humans.

“The exceptionally well-attended event included a vast sampling of different canned foods, sparkling and still water served in bowls and on-site entertainment, as well as free grooming,” the gossip site said.

headsNtales co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo said her reporters could not verify that the Park Animals had been invited to the event.

“We aren’t able to say whether the Park Animals were responding to an invite or just came upon the event in their travels. It [the event] was well-publicized outside The Park, but no Park media we know of published any information about it,” she said.

Sierpinski Squirrel appointed head judge of 2016 Toe-Hair Contest

By

Sierpinski

Sierpinski Squirrel:  head judge of the 2016 Toe-Hair Contest

Sierpinski Squirrel will serve as head judge of the 2016 Toe-Hair Contest.

At a press event held this morning at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre, Aintza Kanariar of the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, made the formal announcement:

“We are thrilled to announce that the very competent Sierpinski Squirrel has agreed to serve as head judge of the 2016 Toe-Hair Contest,” she said.

“As perhaps The Park’s premier financial advisor, Sierpinski Squirrel has proven himself to be a great judge in his own field and an outstanding team leader in all respects,” Kanariar said.

In making the announcement, the longtime Director of Public Relations for the body that chooses the judges emphasized the importance of the position of head judge:

“The position is an important one because, should there be a tie, the head judge, who is an Animal with greater expertise than the other judges, has the ability to choose the winner. It is a position of responsibility that calls for a great deal of knowledge and personal integrity,” she said.

The Chief Financial Officer of A. Corn and Partners has found himself in demand recently. Last December, he was asked, on very short notice, to join the Archon Transition Team, replacing Blandine Okapi who had resigned due to what she called  “philosophical differences.” Sierpinski Squirrel stepped up and by all accounts did an admirable job, according to Sylvana Rana, president of Save Our Political System (SOPS).

“He made the job his own, which is quite an accomplishment for an Animal who has never been formally involved in politics.”

At the press announcement yesterday, Kanariar also announced the other four members of the judging panel: Antonio Marcelo, Clementina Araña, Quinta Caribou, and S. Irving Gecko.

The Toe-Hair Contest, which is in its 21st year, is set to commence at 10:00 a.m. Park time on May 1.

TMD Exclusive: Millicent Hayberry and Gianfranco Colocolo in conversation

By

MillicentHayberry

The Burrow Theatre is uncharacteristically bright this afternoon, as it will be every day and night that Millicent Hayberry is on stage here playing an unwitting—and unwilling—detective in the highly-anticipated series of mysteries written by Gianfranco Colocolo.

The first play in the series, Godwit, opens tonight at 8:00 pm.

We caught up with both Hayberry and the author during rehearsals at The Park’s Burrow Theatre.

TMD: Thank you for doing this. We know it’s a busy time for you.

MH: We’re delighted. We’re just taking a bit of a break anyway.

GC: Well, Millicent is taking a break. I’m pacing.

TMD: That’s funny. Are you nervous about the gala opening tonight?

GC: Not so much nervous as…well, nervous.

MH: You have nothing to be nervous about!

TMD: Do you have anything to be nervous about?

GC: I don’t, really. I just don’t take anything for granted. It’s been a long haul and I can’t wait to see the audience’s reaction to my work.

TMD: This is your first play…well, set of plays, really. You did have your bestselling novel, Murder at the Fishbowl, made into a movie. But what was different about this process?

GC: Nothing but everything. Night and day. I’ve never written anything that was meant to be performed. Up until now, everything I’ve done was meant to be read. It’s a much different perspective for a writer, to be thinking constantly of another person interpreting your work.

TMD: Did you have anyone in mind while you were writing?

GC: I didn’t and I see now that that would have made it much easier…if I had. If I were to write another set of these plays, I think there’s no doubt they’d be written with Millicent in mind, even if she declined.

MH: I can’t imagine declining.

GC: Even so. Millicent is such a brilliant actress that she’s made the part her own. Even when I read the play to myself now, I hear every word in her voice. It’s quite remarkable.

MH: That is humbling, Gianfranco.

TMD: What is it about the mystery genre that attracts you? I want to ask both of you, but Gianfranco first.

GC: Well, as I told Yannis Tavros on his show a few days ago, I’ve found that you can tell the truth, the honest truth, in the mystery genre and you don’t get the kind of backlash from it that you do elsewhere.

TMD: Do you know why that is? Do you have a theory?

GC: I think there’s a long history of it, but I don’t really know why. I don’t know why some ideas are accepted in one form, but not in another. You’d think that would apply to all fiction, but I’ve found that it doesn’t. You can throw off a line that would be stinging in another genre, but you get nods of approval for it in mystery.

TMD: So you can get away with a lot in the genre, then?

GC: Oh, I don’t think you’re getting away with anything! I think you’d better be right if you’re going to do it. But if you are, I think your audience will allow you to, is what I’m saying.

TMD: What do you think, Millicent?

MH: I agree with Gianfranco. Of course, this isn’t the first time I’ve heard him say it, so I may just be getting won over. But I do think there’s something to that. The truth is the least accepted thing anywhere. We gloss over it, we deny it, on a constant basis. I think there are perhaps two places where the truth wins out: here in mystery and in comedy.

TMD: You are most famous for your rôle in the autobiographical one-Chipmunk play, Mixed Nuts. Wouldn’t you say that autobiography is another area of truth-telling?

MH: You would think so, wouldn’t you? But you wouldn’t believe how much backlash writers get for their autobiographical material. There is a lot of arguing about the truth that goes on. Of course, we all have a different truth, so that’s probably the reason.

TMD: Was there a lot of backlash about Mixed Nuts?

MH: By the time I got involved with it, there wasn’t. But Imogen [Aardeekhoorn] experienced a great deal of it. Even I was surprised at that.

TMD: Millicent, I opened this interview by saying that The Burrow Theatre seemed uncharacteristically bright this afternoon. Am I correct in saying that?

MH: You are, indeed. I brought the very talented Constantine Lampris with me for that purpose. He did the lighting for Mixed Nuts at the [Park] Repertory Theatre. Constantine knows me so well. He knows I don’t see very well in the dark. He lights the stage so that I don’t fall or trip, but it doesn’t get in the way of the play or the audience. I don’t think I could perform live without him.

TMD: I just have one more question. What are you hoping for with this production? What would you consider a win? Gianfranco?

GC: Well, I suppose a win for me would be for the critics to say it was a well-written set of plays. But once it’s been lifted off the page and put on stage, I think a win is really for the cast. A play isn’t much without the cast. At least these aren’t. They’re meant to be dynamic, not static. So, I guess, a win in my view would be the audience’s appreciation of Millicent’s work, as well as that of the other talented actors here.

TMD: Millicent?

MH: I have to throw that right back at Gianfranco and say that a win for me would be appreciation of his words. But beyond that, if the audience comes away with a feeling of satisfaction, that they’ve been entertained and enjoyed themselves and if they’d like to do it again soon, I think that’s the biggest win we could have.

TMD: Thank you both for your time this afternoon. Break a tail tonight!

MH: My pleasure.

GC: Mine, as well.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

July 2025
M T W T F S S
 123456
78910111213
14151617181920
21222324252627
28293031