The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Harvest Festival organizers issue edict: no woes allowed

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Harvest FestivalIt’s official. The organizers of Tuesday’s Harvest Festival have issued an edict barring the advancement of any political or other agenda at this year’s event. And, in doing so, they claim to have the full backing of the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations.

The edict is in keeping with last year’s decision not to allow The Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP) and the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF) to host information booths at the Autumn celebration.

In a statement released late yesterday afternoon, the organizers said the festival “forbids any Animal or organization of Animals to “establish a presence at the Festival for the purpose of disseminating information unrelated to the Festival and/or of advancing a political or social agenda.”

The statement concludes by saying that the Harvest Festival is meant to be a “happy” event, a “celebration of our work and of our bounty,” and that all Animals are entitled to feel “joy and safety there, no matter what their beliefs are.”

Officer charged with injuring Doe of Peace at PIFF after-after party

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Police Officer charged

FCSW officer Paulus Koer

A Park Police officer has been charged with two counts of biting after a member of The Park’s peacekeeping force was injured during an outbreak of violence at last night’s PIFF after-after party.

Witnesses say that Doe of Peace Rozmonda Ricke, was “just doing her job,” separating the crowd at The PurrBoy Café, when a member of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW) approached her from behind and pulled her tail.

According to Ricke, who has been a member of the Does since the group was founded in 2014, there was “no time” to look around to see what was happening.

“I was focused on my job, which was to de-escalate the violence that suddenly had erupted at the café,” she said in a sworn statement early this morning.

When she did not respond to the tail-pulling, Paulus Koer, the FCSW officer, allegedly bit her on the back in an attempt to stop her from walking through the crowd. According to his statement, the second bite was necessary because the alleged victim “paid no attention to my first warning.”

The FCSW officer will appear in court today, where a date for trial will be set.

FCSW president Gareth Shepherd is expected to hold a press conference later this afternoon.

Stripes two ways: groomer offers “WINK coiffure” in honour of PIFF premiere

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Zebra two wayIf you blink, you could miss it.

But if you wink, you could be rewarded with a new coiffure, which emphasizes the two directions of Animals’ stripes.

In a video advertisement that will run every day of October, the proprietor of one of The Park’s most popular grooming houses says that, in honour of The Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF)—and, in particular, in honour of its opening film, WINK—she has created a new “do,” which she’s dubbed the “WINK coiffure.”

That proprietor, known as Amoltrud, made headlines earlier this year when she announced that her shop would no longer be offering stripe and spot removal services. The year before, she’d been quoted as saying that although she advised her clients against the procedures, she’d been forced to offer the services “in order to keep up with the competition.”

But Amoltrud changed her mind and, breaking with traditional retail behaviour, decided to challenge the competition by doing exactly the opposite of what it was doing.

“I led with my mind—and my heart,” she said in an interview with The Mammalian Daily last night at the gala opening of G.D. Zebra’s WINK. “At some point, you have to ask yourself, am I doing what I believe in or am I just doing what everybody else is doing?”

Amoltrud says she’s steadfastly against stripe and spot removal and vows never to offer the service again at her shop, even though some of her competition has called the procedures “a growth industry.”

“You have to decide what you stand for and then stand for it,” Amoltrud said last night. “And I stand for equality among the species, no matter what their coats look like.”

WINK director to host pre-premiere party tonight at The Feeding Station

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WINK Movie PosterWINK director G.D. Zebra will host a pre-premiere party tonight at Mikko Tikkeri’s The Feeding Station, The Mammalian Daily has learned.

According to our sources, the guests are all A-listers, not only in the film industry, but in the fight against discrimination against Animals of Pattern.

The coveted party invitations were sent out Tuesday night and our sources tell us that it’s a definite “yes” for WINK producer Kevin Kodkod and one of the film’s stars, Willem Leopard. Other invitees are said to include Douglas Cheetah, Mary Margay, Millicent Hayberry, Monique Tigress, Carlos Geraldo Gato de León, director of Noon Nuttiness film I Am Geoffrey’s Cat, Faramund Stinktier, ZEAL, S.L. Pomfret (aka Fish Rap), Zachariah Skunk, Balbina Ko of Holstein Fashion, and Momoko Yamaneko, and Editor-in-Chief of Prionailurus Press.

Would Millicent Hayberry’s acting career give her an edge in POPS debate?

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Millicent campaignMillicent Hayberry has more than four weeks to confirm her candidacy for 2017 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), but that hasn’t stopped political commentators and others from speculating on the effects her candidacy—and her career— would have on one of The Park’s few elected positions.

In an op-ed piece published today in The Simian Spectator, Magnus P. Marmoset, who holds the University of West Terrier’s Simian Chair in Political Philosophy, writes that he believes her candidacy would change the POPS landscape forever.

While Marmoset has always supported the decision to, as he puts it, “transition [the position] from an inherited one to a merited one,” he says he has mixed feelings about elections.

“So much of the election process is about performance, about favouritism, about alternate abilities, about things that do not relate at all to qualifications or to the position itself,” he writes.

And even though members of species other than Groundhogs have thrown their hats in the ring for POPS, Marmoset thinks that Hayberry’s candidacy would be a “game changer.”

“Her vocal skills, her acting skills, her reputation, her fame. These are the things she would bring to the table in addition to belonging to the hibernating class. I don’t doubt her prognostication skills or that she would be a good candidate. But I wonder if the other candidates will have an equal chance to appeal to the electorate if Millicent is among them. And I wonder whether future candidates will be reluctant to run if they can’t match her skills. I think it could have a lasting effect,” he writes.

Button maker received order for Millicent Hayberry candidacy: rumour

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It’s been over a month since Park citizens heard the rumour that Millicent Hayberry was considering a bid for 2017 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS).

Though she has kept mum on the subject, a source close to one of The Park’s most prominent button makers has told The Mammalian Daily that  the company received an order to produce buttons for her campaign.

The source, who wishes to remain anonymous, said the order came in two weeks ago from a “campaign leader.” The order is said to be for three different versions of a button, one of the prototypes of which appears on this page.

Hayberry, who is wrapping up her performance at the Burrow Theatre in “Godwit,” the first of three mystery plays by Gianfranco Colocolo, is expected to make some form of announcement before the end of the month. Candidates have until November 5 to enter the race.

Sources tell The Mammalian Daily that were Hayberry to run, she would have the support of Hieronymous Hedgehog, along with a number of other prominent hibernators. Her candidacy may lean heavily on the idea of “breaking the species barrier,” since all successful candidates for POPS have been Groundhogs. Nevertheless, since the 2011 and 2012 candidacies of Zachariah Skunk and Lorenzo Michele Chipmunk, there has been a call for broadening the field in this election and making the list of candidates more representative of The Park’s population.

The Endeka Elephant Band plays on without its beloved bassist

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Tembo bass

Zuberi Tembo’s bass stood in front of the band last night at the Beats of Burden Music Festival

The ten remaining members of The Endeka Elephant Band took to the stage last night for the first time since the death this past July of their beloved bassist, Zuberi Tembo.

In an emotional mid-set tribute during the first night of the Beats of Burden Music Festival, each member of the band placed a rose at the foot of Tembo’s bass, which stood at the front of the stage for the entirety of their set.

It was a fitting acknowledgement of the Elephant they described as “a gentle soul who loved music and valued freedom.”

“Even though we miss him terribly, we know that Zuberi’s spirit is with us now and will live on forever in the music he made, in the work he did, and in his tireless fight for freedom,” band member Árvakur Fíl said.

The band followed that with a sweet and tearful rendition of “Recollections” and ended their set with “Seismic Connections.” They returned for only one encore: Tembo’s rousing, “Food For All.”

The Endeka Elephant Band returns tonight to play one last set at the festival.

The Beats of Burden Music Festival continues until midnight 18 September 2016.

PMoCA unveils Slow Art Movement painting in honour of Park’s estivators

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Heike Slak

Slow artist Heike Slak’s “Beacon”

Tomorrow marks the official end of estivation. It’s time to welcome back the friends we haven’t seen for over two months and to move into The Park’s busy Autumn social season.

But even though a large number of Park Animals will be coming out of a state of torpor tomorrow, estivation traditionally has not received as much attention as its Winter counterpart, hibernation.

All that is set to change in the coming years and the Park Museum of Contemporary Art (PMoCA) is leading the way.

Tomorrow evening, in honour of our estivating citizens, the PMoCA will unveil a painting by slow artist Heike Slak.

The painting, which bears the title, “Beacon,” was commissioned last year by the museum.

“This is the first work by a slow artist that we have displayed. We are very proud to hang this painting in the PMoCA in honour of our estivators. and we look forward to a long and happy relationship with the Slow Art Movement,” the museum’s head curator Aamuun Maroodiga told the press this morning.

Slak, who will come out of estivation tomorrow, delivered the painting to the museum at the end of May.  Maroodiga confirmed at the press gathering that Slak will attend the unveiling tomorrow evening.

The Beats gets bigger: lineup for music festival’s fourth year announced today

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Beats of Burden logo“Bigger” and “better” were the words most often uttered this morning as Beasts of Burden lead singer Alfredo Ox announced the lineup for the fourth annual Beats of Burden Music Festival.

“We know that bigger isn’t always better, but in this case it is,” Ox told the throng of reporters outside The Draft, the pub that he and his Beasts of Burden bandmates own.

“We asked ourselves, what could make this event better? How do we stay true to our purpose without this becoming just another music festival?”

The answer to that question, Ox said, was to bring the musical and other acts closer to that purpose.

“We want The Park’s refugees, who are the festival’s raison d’être, to always be within your sight or hearing. We want you —no matter what you’re listening to, no matter what you’re watching, no matter what you’re eating—to have our refugees front and centre in your mind. Yes, we want you to have a Whale of a time, and that’s no pun. NIML will be at the festival, down by the Tartan Crab Memorial Pond. But we also want you to remember that this is a charity festival, a festival with a purpose, not just a Porpoise,” he said, as the crowd groaned.

As far as the music lineup goes, many of these groups have performed at the festival before: Inktvis and Krake, Eggie and The Pigs, The Feral Four, The Canary Cousins, Banded Brothers, Spontaneous Generation, NIML, rapper Will.o.be., The Cynics, The Tweeters, Les Chiens Débraillés, GHC, Jargohead, Fish Rap, and The DomEstyx.

But there are newcomers, such as Belles and Whistles and Memes of Production and up-and-comers, including Erdferkel!, plucked just past Friday from the Beats in the Bar (formerly the Open Mic at The Draft), as well as last year’s pick, The Crumb Seekers.

Even bigger musical news comes in the form of Last Stand, the band whose members all hail from endangered species, and ZEAL, who begged off last year’s Celebration of the Winter Solstice because he refused to play at the same event as the SCENTient Beings’ Faramund Stinktier. The Beats will feature both, though they’ll play at different venues.

As well, Ox said he personally invited The Endeka Elephant Band, whose bassist, Zuberi Tembo, was killed this summer on a trip home to Africa. The band agreed to play on two of the three days of the festival, and Ox said he took that as a compliment.

“Zuberi Tembo was a refugee and I think the band wanted to honour that,” he said.

This year’s festival will introduce a new category, Spoken Word Extemporaneous (SWE), which Ox said he’s particularly excited about. And the comedy portion will feature Dalmanik and Woodruff Dalmatio, with a few “surprises” in store for Saturday.

Another first for the festival is the Rodent gymnastic troupe, “Out of the Box.” Ox was also proud to announce that the organizers of the annual Park ART Walk had agreed to resurrect their 2014 exhibit, “From Fear to Freedom,” which highlights the art of The Park’s refugees.

As usual, the Beasts of Burden will take the stage every day and night and they’ll be acting as auctioneers during Saturday night’s gala auction.

With all that, and the “long list of surprises” that Ox boasted about, it’s hard not to believe that this bigger Beats will be even better.

The Beats of Burden Music Festival will take place at venues throughout The Park 16-18 September 2016.

All proceeds from the festival go toward assisting The Park’s refugees.

WINK: Most controversial opening film ever for PIFF 2016

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Park Interspecial Film FestivalIf controversy is a predictor of success, then award-winning director G.D Zebra’s WINK is set to be the most successful opening film ever at The Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF).

PIFF Communications President Leola Ocelot announced the opening choice this morning at a press conference outside the Park Cinema. It didn’t take long for the hoots and howls to begin.

Flanked by the film’s director and one of its stars, Willem Leopard, Ocelot fielded questions from Park media while she ducked stones, sticks, and balls of mud. It is not clear whether these were intended for her or for Zebra and Leopard.

The film, which was produced by Kevin Kodkod (of Black Cats Can’t Jump fame), follows a group of striped and spotted Animals for a period of three years—before, during, and after they have their stripes and spots removed. The film records for “posterity and illumination” the group’s experiences, feelings, and fears—both as Animals of pattern and then as solid-coloureds.

Included in the film are interviews with popular Park musician and anti-stripe-removalist ZEAL, anti-sortitionist and self-described “naturalist,” director Douglas Cheetah, and SCENTIENT Beings composer and father of Reekabilly music Faramund Stinktier, who announced his transition to a Zebra last year.

Ocelot said the October 1 gala screening would be the film’s début.

“There be no sneak preview or even a trailer release,” she said.

The Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF) runs from 1-5 October 2016.

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