Wednesday Rewind:Original Publication Date: 24 October 2014

Whether or not, as has been alleged, Park Finance Officer Milton Struts accepted food from Humans, health care specialists are issuing a stern warning to Animals who might be tempted to try the food of The Park’s two-legged visitors.[pullquote]Human food is no longer real food. It is a deadly combination of chemicals and garbage. — Hermione Hippo, Head Nurse, Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm[/pullquote]

“The Human diet can kill you,” says Hermione Hippo.

The veteran health professional and current head nurse at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm spoke bluntly and honestly in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio yesterday afternoon.

“Human food is no longer real food. It is a deadly combination of chemicals and garbage and eating it will likely result in a number of health issues, not all of which are treatable,” she said.

The well-respected nurse went on to describe the processes that result in what she calls “barely recognizable forms of food” and “ingredients that are so filthy and ugly that I hesitate to mention them on-air.”

Hippo said problems arising from the consumption of Human food have been documented not just by health care workers, but by The Park’s top groomers and aestheticians, as well.

“We are even looking at the possibility that certain conditions, such as Bovine Lumpy Skin Disease, are caused by Human food [consumption]. Our fellow citizens should take care not to graze in areas that may have been used as picnic lands by visitors,” she said.

Hippo offered this advice to those who believe they inadvertently may have ingested Human food: go directly to your physician or to the hospital, she said.

“We have ways to treat this type of poisoning in the early stages, so don’t wait. If you believe you may have eaten Human food, seek help immediately.”

Wednesday Rewind:
Original Publication Date: 31 October 2012

A remark made by Chief Archon George Irving Nathan Gallagher Newt at an important event has spurred a call for widespread change in The Park’s political process.

During the Annual Account of the State of The Park on October 27, Newt was asked about the recent finding that striped and spotted Animals do not fare as well economically as Animals who have solid or mixed coats.

“When I became Chief Archon,” he said, “I looked around at those who were serving in the various [government] departments and I saw that they were all Dogs and Cats and Geese and Whales and Dolphins and Snakes and Toads. And I said, ‘Why are there no Monkeys working in the government?’ So I got a group together to look at the problem and they brought me barrels full of Monkeys.”

While some believe the remark was a “misunderstanding of the question,” many Animals were outraged at what they called the Chief Archon’s “total lack of sensitivity toward Park Animals.” More vociferous critics declared Newt “unfit for the job”.

Antoine Lézard, who recently assumed the presidency of the newly-formed Coalition Against Sortition in the Park (CASP) called the Chief Archon’s remarks “toxic” and said that this is “just one more example of the inadequacy of the present system of Archon selection.”

“In my opinion,” he said, “Newt is not qualified to be an Archon and he would not be an Archon if Park Animals had been able to select Archons directly. Newt owes his position to a lottery and it is the Coalition’s belief that governance of The Park is too serious a matter to be decided by lottery.”

Archons who have served throughout the 30 years since zoocracy was established have been selected through sortition.  Also known as the “allotment” or “lottery” method, this is the system that was put in place by Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy.

Proposals for change in the Archon selection process have been made for over a decade. Thus far, however, they have failed to gain traction, since many Park Animals are still wary of the direct selection process.

“Sortition allows for a balance of species in the Archon mix,” contends Sylvana Rana, of the anti-election group, Save Our Political System (SOPS). “Direct elections can become a personality contest and the result could be the loss of adequate representation of many species.”

In Lézard’s view, Park Animals need to “be more forward-thinking.”

“Direct selection works well outside The Park. There is no reason it wouldn’t work well here, too,” he says.

In the meantime, the Chief  Archon, whose appointment ends on January 16, 2013, has refused to comment on the controversy he created.

Wednesday Rewind
Original Publication Date: 02 October 2011

PIFF organizers appeared jubilant last night, as they gathered outside The Park Cinema following the screening of the festival’s opening film, Naked, Toothless, and Blind.  Alongside them, celebrities and reporters stood, dodging flashbulbs and waving to the adoring crowd.

“It’s been an uphill battle all year,” said PIFF Communications President, Leola Ocelot, referring not just to funding problems but to the fact that several films that were scheduled to debut here were still in the shooting stage when the 2011 list was announced.

“In the end, though, everything worked out perfectly and it looks as though this is going to be our most successful festival yet,” she concluded.

On the red carpet, flashing freshly-whitened teeth and swishing tails adorned with carefully-placed rhinestones , NT and B‘s twin stars Anders and Frederikke Egern answered reporters’ questions in between chatting with their film’s producers, Etienne Escurel and Mabbina Marmot.

The 7th Annual Park Interspecial Film Festival continues until October 5.  A total of thirty films will be screened at venues across The Park.

Wednesday Rewind
Original Publication Date: 30 September 2012

The Park is in a party mood, as anticipation mounts on the eve of the opening of the 8th annual Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF).

“It’s game on! We’re ready!” announced PIFF Communications President Leola Ocelot at the final pre-opening press conference this afternoon. “This is going to be the biggest and best film festival The Park has ever seen,” she said.

Festival goers appear to agree. Tickets were snapped up earlier than in previous years, with new events such as Noon Nuttiness and PIFF Pockets attracting a younger crowd.

“It [PIFF] is no longer an adults-only event,” said Ocelot, who confirmed that twenty-five percent of tickets were sold to those under five years of age.

“They bought up Noon Nuttiness and also went for the PIFF Pocket Films. We didn’t expect that at all,” she said.

Meanwhile, adult film fans were busy primping and preening in anticipation of five days of screenings, celebrity sightings and top-secret social events.

“We haven’t had an opening in days,” said Amoltrud’s Aesthetics’ groomer Elspeth Rinder. “We have a waiting list the size of a Python,” she said.

The Park’s other grooming houses reported the same situation.

“We had to lock our doors and pretend we were closed,” said stylist Tano Pagun of The Pluming Room. “We were afraid that, otherwise, we’d see fur and feathers fly.”

The festival will open tomorrow night with “I Love a Man in a Collar”, the much-anticipated documentary about Thisbe and the Barkettes. All eyes will be on the front row, as film goers attempt to catch a glimpse of The Park’s most famous singing group, who have confirmed they will attend the documentary’s debut. The five members have not been seen together for a number of years.

Other highly anticipated events include the opening night gala at Clowder and the Cackle-ary hosted by GooseBook.

The Mammalian Daily plans to publish full details of events in the coming days.

Wednesday Rewind:
Original Publication Date: 15 July 2013

Last night, in a rare appearance at their own pub, The Beasts of Burden unveiled their newest song.

As he ascended the makeshift stage at The Draft, lead singer Alfredo Ox motioned to the crowd and asked for silence. Then he took the microphone and made a short speech in which he said he’d dedicated his new song to the survivors of enforced domestication.

“I was moved by the many stories I read about Animals who escaped enforced domestication,” he said. “They’re a different kind of refugee, one that maybe doesn’t get as much attention as others. But since we established our new music festival, the Beats of Burden, to aid all Park refugees, I thought it was appropriate that I write a song about their struggles.”

Then, joined by the other band members, Ox sang “Llego Con Tres Juguetes” (“I Arrive With Three Toys”):

Llego con tres juguetes (I arrive with three toys)
Un muñeco de peluche (A stuffed toy)
Una pelota  (A ball)
Un hueso falso (A fake bone)

The song is the story of a Canine refugee who arrives in The Park with no food, family, or friends. His only possessions are the three toys his captors gave him: a stuffed toy, a ball, and a bone.

When the band was done, the cheering crowd clamoured for an encore. But Ox said they couldn’t oblige.

“We’re saving the rest for the fest,” he said, leaving the band’s manager, Ignatius Herder, to reassure the crowd.

“They’ll be back…just not tonight,” said Herder.

Herder also confirmed that all proceeds from the song’s sales will go to charities that assist The Park’s refugees.