Satirical fiction in newspaper form
2018 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) Sauville Marmotte has predicted an early Spring for The Park. The prediction came at 8:04 this morning.
The POPS, who is in excellent physical condition, was escorted from her burrow and ascended the prognostication pad with ease. More details of the day can be found at Mammalian Daily Groundhog Day Coverage.
February is a busy and emotional time in The Park and this year will be no exception. To make sure you don’t miss anything, keep these dates circled on your calendar:
February 1: Get up! Get ready! It’s almost Groundhog Day!
Catch up on your sleep tonight because you won’t get much until the weekend, with all the partying you’re going to do! And make sure you look your best, at least at the start of the celebration, by booking some time at any of The Park’s finest grooming houses.
February 2: Groundhog Day
This is it, folks! The day we’ve all been waiting for. First, we’ll hear 2018 POPS (Park Official Prognosticator of Spring) Sauville Otave Marmotte tell us what the weather has in store for us and then we’ll hear from the new Archons about what our government has in store for us! Festivities start at 7:00 a.m. and go on forever and ever, with the food stations open a full twenty-four hours (8:00 a.m. on February 2 until 8:00 a.m. on February 3). Click on the schedule to the right for a full view.
And don’t forget the Early Risers’ after-party and the after-after parties after that!
February 2-9: Park shops to hold Groundhog Day sales
Whether or not our 2018 POPS, Sauville Otave Marmotte, predicts an early Spring, there’ll be plenty to celebrate with lower prices at most Park shops. They’ll be open all night on February 1, as well as all day on Groundhog Day, too!
February 4: Spend an afternoon at The Park Museum with Karlheinz Beaver
The designer of the 2018 prognostication pad will formally add his blueprints to the museum’s current exhibition, “The Means and the Message: A Decade of Prognostication Pads.” Afterwards, he’ll host a Q&A session with attendees regarding the pad’s design and functionality. Refreshments will be served courtesy of The PurrBoy Café.
Don’t miss this event at The Park Museum on Sunday, 4 February 2018, from 1:00 p.m. until 5:00 p.m.
February 14: Anniversary of the birth of Jor
He was our first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy. This year’s full-day holiday will be devoted to his memory and to celebrating our future as a zoocratic Park.
February 19: Official End of Hibernation
Let’s celebrate survival! It’s time to welcome back our hibernating friends. As Hieronymous Hedgehog, The Park’s Official Hibernation Ambassador, would say, bring on the food! And in case you have any questions, here’s a handy guide to welcoming home those who’ve been in a state of torpor.
February 20: Return of the Nut
This half-day holiday is an occasion both solemn and celebratory, as we renew our trust in each other and our faith in survival, itself. This year, it will be 2018 Keeper of the Nut Armas Jänis who will return the nut to The Park’s Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC). After, that, we’ll all be looking to Spring and its renewal!
Have a great February, everybody!
Wednesday Rewind:
Original Publication Date: 23 January 2014
We may be ten days away from the POPS prediction and related celebrations, but this year’s Groundhog Day program is already proving to be controversial.
The decision made by the 2013 Archons to substitute a “musical interlude” for the Park Historical Society’s Tribute to Zoocracy has sparked some heated discussion, particularly on talk radio stations.
Yesterday morning, Park Historical Society President Clark Cascanueces admitted he was “blindsided” by the exclusion of his organization’s short film on zoocracy. He and University of West Terrier history professor Beatrice Zilonis were guests of talk show host Yannis Tavros on Toro Talk Radio.
“I was gobsmacked, truly,” Zilonis said. They went on to characterize the 2013 Archons as “the most ignorant, anti-education group of Animals” they had ever seen.
While Cascanueces and Zilonis are not alone in their opinions, many in The Park support the Archons’ decision. Citing Hieronymous Hedgehog’s criticism of the film last year as “a touch Human,” Mammalian Daily advice columnist and UWT adjunct professor of Human Studies reiterated her opinion of the tribute on a Canine Communications Radio (CCR) call-in show.
“There is something almost Human about our celebrating ourselves,” she said.
“It’s not the Animal way. I think we’ve imbibed this sort of ‘Rah Rah’ attitude from the Humans around us and I’m not sure it’s such a good idea. In any case, I don’t think it’s quite appropriate for Groundhog Day and I’m behind the Archons on this. I think their decision to remove it from the program was a sound one,” she said.
The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations (DHFC) has released the Official Schedule of the 2018 Groundhog Day Celebrations.
At a short press conference this afternoon, DHFC Director of Public Relations Aintza Kanariar used the word, “stupendous,” as she rhymed off the names of the performers, games, acts, and more that will make up what some in The Park consider the most important event of the year.
“There is not only something for everyone to enjoy at this year’s celebration,” she said, “but almost too much.”
Kanariar went even further, saying it was not just the quantity of the “non-stop fun,” but the quality that will make this year’s Groundhog Day memorable.
“After more than thirty-five years of zoocracy, The Park can truthfully say it has an unrivalled depth of talent,” she said. She also joked that the official celebration would “give the Early Risers a run for their money.”
For the past few years, The Park’s Early Risers, who end their hibernation on Groundhog Day instead of on the traditional date of February 19, have hosted legendary after-parties.
Kanariar also announced an addendum to the official schedule, which was released a few days ago.
“We will officially acknowledge the life and work of Egerton Vole, who died on January 25, after serving only nine days as Archon. The Archons’ Address, which will be read by Chief Archon Iolana Camira Whooping Crane, will also include some words about Vole, she said. And a tribute to Vole during the Groundhog Day parade will include a performance by the All Rodent Marching Band, but Kanariar would not say whether a new float would be part of that tribute.
For the first time since their bassist Zuberi Tembo died, the Endeka Elephant Band will play during the parade, as well. There will only be nine band members playing, however, because Árvakur Fíl, the band’s drummer, is serving as Archon this year.
Kanariar said we can expect the parade to include a “host of new floats,” several of which will acknowledge The Park’s endangered species.
New this year will be a poetry reading by members of the Centre for Interspecial Harmony.
In addition to the special appearance by Thisbe and the Barkettes, the following musicians will participate in the event:
The Feral Four
The Canary Cousins
Spontaneous Generation
Les Chiens Débraillés
SCENTient Beings
Jargonhead
Persistent Sisters
The Cynics
Will.o.be
Memes of Production
Last Stand
Eggie and The Pigs
ZEAL
Inktvis and Krake
The All-Rodent Marching Band
The DomEstyx
The Beasts of Burden
BHR (Big Hearts Rule) formerly NIML (Not In My Lifetime)
Fish Rap
As is always the case, one of the most important aspects of the Groundhog Day celebrations will be the food. Renowned Chef Tab Triolore will reprise his “feral buffet” and supply delicious non-perishables from his newly-opened restaurant grassRoutes. Other food purveyors include The Battering Ram Café, The Compost Heap, The Broop ‘n Miaow, The Draft, The Pound Gastropub, and The Cackling Goose Tavern. Mikko Tikkeri’s The Feeding Station will serve a full breakfast just after the Archons’ Address. Ants in Your Pantry and Provisions by Petrounel will send all attendees home with tasty party favours.
And, again, this year, food will be served for twenty-four hours straight.
“We’re going through from eight in the morning on the second [of February] until eight in the morning on the third,” Kanariar said.
And, don’t forget: the events will be covered live by Mammalian Daily reporters here on Twitter.
The Park Museum of Contemporary Art (PMoCA) is set to unveil its newest exhibit this weekend. The live art installation is entitled, How Much Was That Doggie in the Window?
Wednesday Rewind:
Original Publication Date: 5 April 2013
The Park Museum of Contemporary Art (PMoCA) is set to unveil its newest exhibit to the public this weekend and it promises to be one of the most talked-about artistic events in Park history.
At a gala opening tomorrow evening, patrons finally will be able to view the Museum’s — and The Park’s — first art installation. But that’s not all: the installation, which is entitled, How Much Was That Doggie in the Window? is a live art installation.
“It’s been a long slog for all of us, but we’re finally ready. All systems are go and we couldn’t be more excited,” says Aulikki Norsu, president of PMoCA’s board of directors.
The live exhibition, which depicts the sorry life of the domestic Canine, was curated by Dorika Pumi, whose previous work for the Museum includes the K-NONical Kismet exhibit and the controversial but well-received series of sketches entitled, Better To Be Lost Than Loved.
But this new exhibit is not just another one-dimensional criticism of Canine domesticity, Pumi insists.
“This is a living, breathing, depiction of one of the least-discussed but most horrifying aspects of domestic Canine life,” she says.
According to Pumi, thousands of Canines are bought every year (“purchased” is the word that Pumi uses) on the open market outside The Park, then housed in apartment complexes that are sometimes hundreds of feet in height, and left there to languish while their Human companions — the ones who profess to love them — stay away for hours on end.
“These Dogs have no idea whether those Humans will ever return,” says Pumi. “They don’t know what’s going to happen to them. They can’t get out of there on their own and every day they wonder whether they will die there, distraught and alone.”
To get her message across, Pumi enlisted the services of those who know whereof she speaks: The Park’s Canine refugees.
“These are the Dogs who have received assistance from Runaway Rovers, the immigrant aid group that helps formerly domestic Canines establish a better life in The Park,” she says.
Four different groups of these formerly domestic Dogs will work in the exhibit. Their shifts will be four hours long and two different groups will work on the installation each day. They will need a break after four hours, Pumi says, because they will have spent the entirety of that time howling while hanging out of the window of a wall that was specially constructed for the exhibit.
“It’s a tough job, but there was no shortage of Dogs who were willing to take it on when they heard about the project,” says Pumi. “They’ve lived the life and we’ve given them the chance to show us what it’s like.”
How Much Was That Doggie in the Window? will be installed at the Park Museum of Contemporary Art until November, 2013.
Wednesday Rewind:
Original Publication Date: 15 May 2008
The Marine Mammal Bank of the Park (MMBP) has reported record first-quarter gains for 2008, thanks to the performance of its personal banking division.
The Park’s third largest bank reported an increase in deposits of 150% over the same period last year. The bank now estimates earnings for 2008 at twice those of last year. That figure was revised upward from a previous estimate of 160%.
According to Park law, banks that do business solely in The Park are not required to report their earnings in exact figures. Traditionally, Park banks have made public reports in earnings percentages, reserving exact figures for The Park Finance Office.
The growth in deposits to the MMBP is a result of the bank’s aggressive recruitment of funds from non-traditional sources, according to the bank’s Chief Executive Officer. Alphonse Dolphin said the bank is finding new and “innovative” ways to increase its clientele, including reaching out to new immigrants and to estivating species, in particular.
“This idea of reaching out to other species and to new citizens and responding directly to their particular needs and concerns… it’s a new idea in Park banking,” he said. “I’m sure it will become the norm in short order; we just happened to dive in ahead of everyone else.”
According to Park financial analyst and bank watcher, Veronique Jackal, the MMBP has done a “complete turnaround” in their priorities and it stands to gain significantly from this strategy.
“Unlike other [Park] banks, the Marine Mammal has decided to concentrate on personal banking, offering new customers interest at significantly higher rates [than other banks], as well as services that are geared to encouraging savings. This [strategy], coupled with their decision to reach out to the immigrant population and, in particular, to estivators – Animals that, historically, have been savers but who have not, traditionally, used the services of banks – will result, I believe, in massive gains for them [the bank] in the coming years.”
Other Park bank watchers agree, predicting that the MMBP is poised to overtake The Monotreme Savings Bank this year and sneak into second place behind the behemoth Founding Families Financial Corporation.
This article first appeared in Issue #118 of The Mammalian Daily.
The names of the 35 Animals who will form The Park’s 2018 government have been released.
In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons was posted at the Law Courts early this morning, an hour after the selection was certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.
The list will remain posted at the Law Courts until the end of the week so that Park citizens and residents may review the names, Archon Transition Team spokesAnimal N.V. Hoatzin told The Mammalian Daily.
Readers of this newspaper need look no further than the bottom of this article, however. The Mammalian Daily is the only Park newspaper given permission to publish the list of names.
The 35 Animals, who were selected to be Archons through the process of sortition, will be sworn in at a ceremony that will take place tomorrow morning at 10:00. Tens of thousands of Park citizens are expected to attend the swearing-in ceremony, which will be held at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre. As well, many thousands more will be able to watch the event on television. The Park Broadcasting Corporation (PBC), which holds exclusive rights to the swearing-in ceremony, will once again dedicate its entire morning programming schedule to the event.
ARCHONS – 2018
Whooping Crane, Iolana Camira (Chief Archon)
Appaloosa, Durward Courtland; Axolotl; José Francisco; Bunting, Welby; Caecilian, Tristan Lucas; Caiman, Gergo; Chameleon, Hawthorne; Cricket, Burgess Jerome; Datnoid, Abiola; Fíl, Árvakur; Frosch, Hedda; Gecko, Samuel P.; Hagfish, Marjorie; Jokirapu, Inkeri; Kangaroo, Matilda Zara; Katydid, Angus; Krill, Pascale; Lizard, Elmer; Lungfish, Enoch; Mantella, Garabina; Merganser, Hazel; Mudpuppy, Deandre; Newt, Camlin; Oarfish, Luella Marie; Oscar, Oscar Filbert; Osprey, Henrietta; Pióca, Stanczia; Porcupine, Rudella; Saltamontes, Ernesto; Sea Otter, Mason Daniel Fabion; Skink, Priscilla; Schwan, Gudruna; Tortoise, Zigor; Vole, Egerton Leland; Wren, Maximilian.
CHIEF ARCHON KLARISSA KUTTU: THE EXIT INTERVIEW
In her only exit interview, The Park’s 2017 Chief Archon, Klarissa Escalade Kuttu—whose term ends on Tuesday—told The Mammalian Daily that she was misrepresented as anti-Human by the press and others and that she feels her realism is “ahead of its time.”
We sat down with Chief Archon Klarissa E. Kuttu earlier this month to discuss zoocracy, the expectations of government, and her hopes for the future of The Park and Animal self-rule.
TMD: Thank you, Chief Archon Kuttu, for sitting down with us today.
KEK: Thank you for inviting me. I’m happy to talk to you today.
TMD: Chief Archon Kuttu, I think it’s safe to say that the expectations placed on a new Chief Archon are enormous and so must be the pressure of that, as well. Would you agree?
KEK: Yes, I do agree, though I wouldn’t agree if you’d said, “unreasonable” expectations. I think it’s fair for The Park’s citizens to expect a lot from their government and when we come up short, it’s also fair for them to criticize us.
TMD: Which leads me to this question, if you don’t mind: according to some polls, you have been one of the most unpopular Chief Archons in the history of zoocracy. What do you make of that and how much responsibility do you take? Was it a failure of communication? A misunderstanding?
KEK: I noticed you said some polls and, if you hadn’t, I would object. But, yes, there were some polls—and obviously, many Park citizens—who disagreed with me vehemently, though I doubt they would have said I didn’t have The Park’s best interests in mind.
I believe strongly that many of the controversies during my term were due to the misrepresentation of me by the press and others. I don’t think you can deny that I was depicted as anti-Human, which was at best unhelpful and at worst, damaging to progress in The Park. And, yes, I do take some responsibility for the misunderstanding of my views and policies. Clearly, I did not explain myself well enough. But, even more than that, I misread the state of mind of the citizenry.
TMD: In what way?
KEK: We have had some trying times in the past few years and I admit I didn’t realize to what extent that had affected the emotional and mental outlook of Park Animals. I didn’t understand their very real desire for calm and stability. My term as Chief Archon should have reflected that and responded to it. Instead, I wanted to charge ahead with ideas that Park Animals simply weren’t ready for. And, here, you really do have to keep in mind the pace of any Park government. We are selected by lottery, we have twelve months to deal with all aspects of running The Park. Ninety percent of those aspects, I would say, we have no idea of until we get here. In some ways, it’s a crazy way to govern.
TMD: Are you saying that zoocracy doesn’t work?
KEK: Of course not. What I am saying, though, is that it was designed in a much simpler time, and for a much simpler purpose. It was designed so that we could take control of our lives and our property. Thirty-five years ago, no Animal could have imagined the challenges we face today. We are in desperate need of modernization, and not just of our government, but of our state of mind. And I tried to bring that to my Archonship, but it was too early. I see that now. We need to ease into these things, but I butted ahead with them and we see the results. Or lack of results.
TMD: For the record, though, are you anti-Human?
KEK: I am not “anti” any species. But I am a realist. And, in many ways, my realism was ahead of its time. Humans hold an enormous amount of power in the world. And, if we’re to be honest, they do still hold power over us in The Park. It’s an imbalance that I felt and still feel is untenable and I tried to change that with what I considered would be simple tweaks. But, as it turns out, they weren’t simple at all. And they became my grand mistakes.
TMD: Such as restricting trade with Humans and ending Human tourism?
KEK: Among the many, yes.
TMD: Which others?
KEK: I’ll leave that for you and for The Park’s many political commentators to mull over and, perhaps, write books about.
TMD: What would you consider your greatest failure?
KEK: I have said this before and I’ll say it again: my government’s failure to find a suitable head of Park Finance—a suitable budget chief—and to prepare a 2018 budget. I think that might be the greatest failure.
TMD: And your greatest success?
KEK: I would like to think that I did bring some awareness of the threat that we face from Humans, as well as from other species. And from ourselves. I would like to think that we are now more aware than ever of the fragility of Animal self-rule and that we might stop either taking it for granted or revering it unrealistically.
TMD: Are we in danger of losing it?
KEK: I think we are always in danger of losing it. Nothing is forever and as we have seen from Human society, things can go backwards. It doesn’t take much. We must guard what we value and continue to value what we guard. To hold it dear. Otherwise, who knows what can happen.
TMD: Now that you’re no longer in government, what does your future hold?
KEK: I hope it will hold peace. And friendship. But I also want to stay involved. I would never retreat from the political sphere entirely, now that I’ve learned so much.
TMD: Would you serve another term?
KEK: Yes, I would. And I, too, believe in longer terms and when I’ve rested up a bit, I will be prepared to fight for that. One year is not long enough.
TMD: Two years?
KEK: Maybe even three. Whatever the citizenry can bear. It will be a long haul to change the rules, but I do believe in long haul government. [laughing]
TMD: Chief Archon, it really has been a pleasure to talk to you today. We all in The Park wish you well in the future. And we want to express our deep gratitude for your work in the service of zoocracy and The Park.
KEK: The pleasure has been mine, in moving zoocracy to its next phase and in sitting here with you to talk about it. I’ll see you at the swearing-in on January 16 and again on Groundhog Day.
Wednesday Rewind
Original Publication Date: 15 February 2013
The Strange Case of the Topaz Toepad, the best-selling mystery novel by Kylie Springbok, will begin its journey to the big screen this Spring.
Annika Maasusi, Editor-in-Chief of Hyena Whodunits, the book’s publisher, confirmed the sale of the film rights in a press release late this afternoon.
“Hyena Whodunits is pleased to announce that Mandrill Entertainment has purchased the rights to the highly successful novel, The Strange Case of the Topaz Toepad,” the release said.
Mandrill Entertainment, best known for producing fast-paced action and adventure films, released a statement simultaneously, confirming both the purchase and its plan to begin filming in The Park in the late Spring.
“We are pleased to inform Park Animals that the film’s casting and shooting will all be done within The Park,” the release also said. No other information regarding the cast was revealed.
The book, which was originally published in 2007, will be re-released in March to coincide with the making of the film, Maasusi confirmed.
Wednesday Rewind
Original Publication Date: 19 January 2010
The Park Postal Service introduced its first commemorative stamp yesterday. The stamp, which honours Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy, features a rarely-seen photograph of Jor. The caption reads, simply, “Our First Leader.”
The stamp carries a value of 55 in Cow currency (approximately .11 Ftoo) and will be available for purchase by 22 Proto.
This is the first time in its history that the Postal Service has issued commemorative stamps. According to a Postal Service spokesanimal, the decision was taken because it was felt that “such honours were long overdue.”
