The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Cynics to re-release Take the A Frame

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A Frame (1)BREAKING NEWS

The Cynics (Philosopher Dogs) will release a new version of their wildly successful collection Take the A Frame next month, according to an announcement issued yesterday.

A late afternoon press release signed by the group’s founder and lead singer, Luther “Droop” Dachshund, said the group will release a digital version of the collection at the end of May. The announcement said the collection will include a brand new version of the title song as well as the digitally re-mastered original.

The release date is meant to coincide with The Park’s observation of Enforced Domestication Awareness month in June, Dachshund said in the announcement.

“Our group has been supportive of that initiative from its inception and we want to reinforce our relationship with it again this year,” he wrote.

Last year, The Cynics donated the proceeds of their song Diamond in the Ruff to the cause.

“We’ve been fighting enforced domestication for years, but there hasn’t been much movement on the issue until recently…We want to do as much as we can to further awareness of domestication’s harsh reality,” he said at the time.

Since then, The Cynics have performed very little, save for a few concerts at The Pound, the gastropub of which they are part-owners. And, although the press release did not mention any upcoming concert dates, a spokesAnimal for Rotunda Records, the group’s label since its founding, said he thought there might be something in the works.

“They’ve been working very hard in the studio and not just on the re-release,” the spokesAnimal said. “We all think it’s about time they went on tour again.”

Sneak-a-Snuggle refugees healthy and happy to be free: Hermione Hippo

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Hermione Hippo

Hermione Hippo

The more than one hundred Animals who were liberated yesterday in a raid on a Sneak-a-Snuggle outside The Park are “relatively healthy and happy to be free,” according to Hermione Hippo, head nurse at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm.

Hippo, who is also an Assistant Professor in the School of Medicine at the University of West Terrier, said she was called in to the hospital in the very early hours of April 23 to assess and triage the liberated Animals.

“This was a total surprise,” she says.

“We’ve been working on a plan to contain Tulip-Related Illness and Small Ball Fever. That has been our focus for the past two months. We were blindsided by this,” she told Mammalian Daily Radio host Didier Wombat in an interview this morning.

Hippo said the majority of Animals were “relatively healthy,” which made her job much easier.

“They appeared to have been looked after, at least. They were well-nourished when they came in, but they were in shock. I don’t think it ever occurred to them that they would be able to escape their confinement,” she said.

The Animals will stay at the Park Hospital until Monday, at least, Hippo confirmed. After that, they will be re-assessed and receive counselling and other aid before they are released. Hippo said she had she had no idea as yet of how many plan to remain in The Park.

Police launch early morning raid on Sneak-a-Snuggle outside Park

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Sneak-a-Snuggle

Park Police’s undercover unit launched an early morning raid on a Sneak-a-Snuggle

BREAKING NEWS

At a press conference held this morning, Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of the Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) took to the podium to confirm reports of an early morning raid on a Sneak-a-Snuggle that recently opened outside The Park.

Flanked by Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU) and C. Astrid H. Ant, Head of The Park’s Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS), Inspector Addax revealed details of the raid, in which more than one hundred Animals were liberated.

“Under cover of darkness, members of the ASIS Select Undercover Brigade (SUB) were deployed in a covert action that involved infiltrating the Sneak-a-Snuggle and liberating the Animals held therein,” he said.

The crack team of more than a thousand received assistance from other members of the police force in the execution of the raid, Inspector Addax told reporters.

“All went as planned. The operation went smoothly and we do not anticipate having to return to that location,” he said.

The Animals who were liberated come from “a variety of different species” and, Addax told reporters, they will be spending a few days at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm before they are released and able to function on their own.

“They will receive counselling from a number of The Park’s refugee and immigrant aid groups and they are welcome to establish a life here, should they so desire,” he said.

The Inspector also confirmed that Park Police have no intention of laying charges against the Human owners of the Sneak-a-Snuggle.

“It does not lie within our jurisdiction to prosecute Humans who reside outside The Park,” he said.

List of participants grows daily as May’s Month Without Metaphor nears

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Month Without Metaphor

Every day, more members of the media join Month Without Metaphor

The list of participants in Park media’s second annual Month Without Metaphor (MWM) continues to grow, as newspapers, radio and television stations, and even web sites sign on.

“We are very pleased with the growth this year. We are particularly pleased with the addition of the gossip web site headsNtales. I think their interest proves that this initiative is well worthwhile,” says Month Without Metaphor organizer Alvin Tinamou.

As of today, the new participants are :

Print Media:

  • The Silvestris Star
  • The Rodent Commoner
  • The Panther Post
  • The Salamander Evening Post
  • The Panther Post
  • The Insect Intelligencer
  • The Rodent Commoner
  • The Insect Intelligencer
  • Laulaa—The Official Magazine of the Canine Music Association

Radio Stations:

  • bRaydio 4
  • CLucK Radio
  • Chitter Radio
  • Marine Mammal Radio
  • Reptile Radio
  • Toro Talk Radio

Television Stations:

  • Maple Tree Television
  • Vertebrate Vision TV

Web Sites:

  • headsNtales

KwikLiks: The Park’s first “flash groomer” opens its doors

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KwikLiks

Park’s first flash groomer: KwikLiks

The Park’s newest grooming house has opened in a flash and that’s not just a metaphor.

As its name suggests, KwikLiks offers quick grooming or, as its proprietress Maitea Behi says, “Flash grooming for the fast set.”

At the grand opening yesterday, Behi beamed as she offered treats to the steady stream of new customers.

“In our business, we like to say, ‘A treat is worth a thousand licks,'” she joked, as she directed Animals of every species toward the house’s bank of groomers.

With five full-time and eight part-time groomers, Behi says she can service over five hundred Animals an hour.

“A few licks should do it for most Animals. Larger Animals, of course, will take a bit more time. And for important occasions, we’re happy to take those extra few seconds to make you look your absolute best.”

While Behi’s establishment is the first of its kind in The Park, she says that flash grooming has taken off elsewhere.

“We scoped out a few venues outside The Park and even considered opening there,” she said. “But my heart belongs here. My loyalty is to The Park.”

KwikLiks’s opening at this time of year is no coincidence, either. While Behi hopes to cash in on The Park’s upcoming social season, she understands that this year the established houses may win out.

“I’m going to need to gain the trust of Animals in a flash,” she said.

Prionailurus Press to promote the literature of the striped and spotted

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Momoko Yamaneko, Editor-in-Chief of Prionailurus Press

Momoko Yamaneko stifled a nervous laugh as she responded to a reporter’s question at a press conference held at her office this morning.[pullquote]The time has come for us to live up to our responsibility.—Momoko Yamaneko, Editor-in-Chief, Prionailurus Press[/pullquote]

The question was a simple one: “Why now?”

“You’d have thought by our name that this would have been our mandate all along…our raison d’être, so to speak,” said the Editor-in-Chief of Prionailurus Press, which today became the first publishing house in The Park to respond to the plight of striped and spotted Animals.

But Yamaneko stopped short of apologizing for the company’s seeming neglect of its own community.

“A constellation of factors influence publishing decisions,” she explained, “and often we are forced, by the markets and by our readers, to put our survival ahead of even our most heartfelt desires. But we called you here today to announce that the time has come for us to live up to our responsibility in this regard. We will be putting striped and spotted writers at the forefront. That part of our agenda is set for the next three years, at least.”

The  publishing house, she said, has committed a sizeable amount of currency and all its other resources to finding and publishing emerging writers from the striped and spotted community.

“We want to welcome them to the Prionailurus family,” she said. “We want hear and read their stories of the challenges they’ve faced in the past and those they face now. We want to strengthen our own community at the same time as we work to foster understanding among all species.”

The publishing house’s new mandate begins “now,” the Editor-in-Chief said emphatically, as the press conference drew to a close.

“We have a host of new and exciting initiatives in development. You will be hearing from us very soon in this regard,” she said.

New date announced for Park’s annual Anixi Agrarian Jubilee

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May 23

The Anixi Agrarian Jubilee will take place on Saturday May 23

The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations has changed the date of this year’s Anixi Agrarian Jubilee.

In a brief statement released this afternoon, Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for the department, announced the change from Wednesday, May 20 to Saturday, May 23.

“The official date of the Jubilee has always been May 20, which falls on a Wednesday this year. The Department felt that a weekend celebration would be more fitting for the occasion and as a result, we have changed the date to Saturday, May 23. No other changes are anticipated,” the announcement said.

Last month, the organizers of the Polar Bears’ Poetry Picnic changed the day of its annual event, as well. After deciding to hold the Picnic on a Sunday they announced they would make a formal request to designate the third Sunday of March as the Picnic day. The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations has not announced any plans to do the same for the Anixi Agrarian Jubilee.

Mating Dance to offer pre-registration, free counselling to endangered species

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Golden Mantella Frog

Meet me at the Mating Dance!

Organizers of the 2015 Mating Dance will be offering members of The Park’s endangered species a pre-registration package that includes free genetic and psychological counselling services, it was announced today.

In a communiqué issued to all media this morning, the organizers of the event said that the unusual move comes as a response to the results of a number of population and attendance studies conducted at the University of West Terrier over the past five years:

“Based on the results of these studies and after a series of consultations with the Department of Well-Being and Safety, we have taken the decision to offer these special services to members of The Park’s endangered species.”

A spokesAnimal for the Dance said that all eligible Animals will have the opportunity to pre-register for the dance as of April 20.

“Let us be clear: this is not a pre-selection service that we are offering,” the spokesAnimal said.

“The pre-registration is meant to enable these Animals to make early contact with those who may be interested in meeting them at the Dance. We hope that this will raise the attendance level of our endangered species.”

Studies indicate that members of The Park’s endangered species have the lowest level of attendance at the Mating Dance.

According to Dr. Berthilidis Strix, head of The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic, many Animals in the endangered community have “psychological and other problems” that lead to difficulties in relating to other Animals.

“This may seem ironic, since they are the ones who most need to reproduce, but there is a good reason for these low attendance levels. These Animals experience tremendous psychological barriers that they must overcome in order to procreate. I think this [pre-registration package] is the least we can do to help them in this endeavour,” she says.

Pre-registration for the Mating Dance will begin at 10:00 a.m. on Monday, April 20 at the offices of the Department of Well-Being and Safety. All Animals must bring proof of their eligibility in the form of their membership in The Park’s Endangered Species Benefits Programme (ESBP).

Park innovators to watch: abSCENT

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abSCENTFourth in a series

Can abSCENT make the heart grow fonder?

Perhaps not, but it definitely can help it stay stronger and more faithful, according to its maker, DoftTek, S.A.

A relative newcomer, DoftTek specializes in scent-related products and was voted The Park’s most promising company last year by The Cosmopolitan Pest. The abSCENT app is the company’s first foray into wearable technology.

The innovative app, which DoftTek launched on Monday, works like a “virtual locket,” allowing users to store the scents of their loved ones so that they can access them at any time.

“Physical absence need never be a barrier to relating,” said DoftTek spokesAnimal Lars Myskoxe, who demonstrated the app outside the Reek ‘O Rama yesterday.

The crowd oohed and awed as Myskoxe showed the potential users how easy the app makes it to retain a “dynamic memory” of their loved ones.

“It’s authentic,” said Keeva Moffatt, President of the Spotted Skunk Sedan Patrol and a Reek ‘O Rama regular.

“It does what it says. The scent is pure and, from what I could tell, it doesn’t degrade. This is something every Park Animal will want,” she said.

Myskoxe claims the uses for the app are “unlimited,” and will grow in number as more and more Animals “make it their own.”

“In its present form, it can store up to ten scents. We are planning to expand that within the next five years,” he said. “I can see it eventually becoming a necessary tool for all stages of life,” he said.

The app is currently available only through the company and at the Reek ‘O Rama, which intends to offer it at a discount on May 5 only, the date of the annual Mating Dance.

“That will be its biggest test so far,” said Myskoxe.

See also:
TulipTracker™
FoodFinder™
gaggle

Barkettes’ concert sold out: promoter

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Barkettes ticket

SOLD OUT! Tickets for the next concert will go on sale May 1.

If you were still hoping to get tickets to the Barkettes’ May 8 concert, you’re out of luck, according to the event’s promoter, Iglu Entertainment.

“Tickets for the Barkettes’ first Park concert of the Bring Your Own Bone tour sold out within two days,” the company’s web site advises.

But take heart: there are three other Park concerts scheduled and tickets for the next one, on May 12 at the Wishing Well, go on sale May 1.

The dates for the other two concerts have not yet been released.

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