The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Breaking: Police called to growing protest outside Mammalian Daily offices

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Park Police Riot SquadBREAKING NEWS
Just hours after the swearing-in ceremonies of the 2015 Archons, Park Police have been called to the offices of The Mammalian Daily as a large protest against the newspaper grows outside the main door.

“We don’t know what it’s all about yet, but the protesters all appear to be holding the same photograph of [Rodent Commoner reporter] Gunnar Rotte,” said Officer Gareth Shepherd, minutes after arriving at the scene.

Witnesses who had been there earlier said the protest began with two Rats who were holding signs and shouting profanities, calling the newspaper “specist and petty” and threatening to destroy it.

“I thought they were friends of Gunnar [Rotte], but they said they didn’t even know him. It was the principle that mattered … and the paper had broken faith with its readers,” said Marcellus Wolverine.

Log onto mammaliandaily.com for new details as this story unfolds.

Names of 2015 Archons announced

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yellow diceThe names of the 35 Animals who will form The Park’s 2015 government have been released.

In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons was posted at the Law Courts early this morning, an hour after the selection was certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.

The list will remain posted at the Law Courts until the end of the week so that Park citizens and residents may review the names, Archon Transition Team spokesAnimal N.V. Hoatzin told The Mammalian Daily.

Readers of this newspaper need look no further than the bottom of this article, however. The Mammalian Daily is the only Park newspaper given permission to publish the list of names.

The 35 Animals, who were selected to be Archons through the process of sortition, will be sworn in at a ceremony that will take place tomorrow morning at 10:00. Tens of thousands of Park citizens are expected to attend the swearing-in ceremony, which will be held at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre. As well, many thousands more will be able to watch the event on television. The Park Broadcasting Corporation (PBC), which holds exclusive rights to the swearing-in ceremony, will once again dedicate its entire morning programming schedule to the event.

ARCHONS – 2015
Cuckoo, Abayomi Tanishia (Chief Archon)
Acarina, Mareike; Anaconda, Marta Julianna; Aucklet, Brandon; Bittern, Emma Gunvor; Blenny, Sibyl; Caiman, Iphigeneia; Crab, Daimhin; Flatworm, Ilona; Frog, Rafferty Xenophon; Kangaroo, Sheila; Lisko, Hennika; Minnow, Agnes Thérèse; Musling, Ingeborg; Newt, Aldert Filippus; Ostrich, Oliver Lionel (Ollie); Otter, Aednat; Otter, Oscar Rinaldo; Possum, Prunella; Python, Zaiman Fabienne; Roadrunner, Reva; Rotta, Hali Götilda; Salamander, Ailukka; Sargo, Uwe; Scorpion, Gordon Anthony; Seahorse, Mannfred Otto; Shark, Bertrand; Shrike, Viðólfur; Starfish, Sofia Triinu; Tanager, Kornelia; Toad, Esmerelda; Tortuga, Monserrat; Wahoo, Oktaviana; Wallaby, Harrison Xavier; Zeteki, Bogden

Countdown to next government: 2015 Archons to be announced tomorrow

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Jan 15The names of the 35 Animals who will form The Park’s 2015 government will be released tomorrow.

In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons will be posted at the Law Courts early tomorrow morning, an hour after the selection is certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.

The Mammalian Daily will publish the list on its web site as soon as it is made public.

Thane Tarsier pleads not guilty to charge of “Cease to Care” this morning

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Thane Tarsier

Thane Tarsier, seen here at his home, was charged today with “Cease to Care.”

BREAKING NEWS
Thane Tarsier appeared before Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon in The Park’s Superior Court this morning to plead not guilty to the charge of “Cease to Care.”

Tarsier, who stood alongside his lawyer, Delwyn Terrier, said little in court other than to acknowledge that he understood the charge. When the Justice asked how he intended to plead, Tarsier deferred to his lawyer, who said simply, “We intend to plead not guilty.”

“Cease to Care,” a little-known offence under The Park’s Participation Act, involves the deliberate withholding of one’s name as a candidate for the position of Archon.

According to the rules of zoocracy, all adult Park citizens must confirm their eligibility to stand as candidates for Archon by the end of October. Illness constitutes the only exception to this rule; Animals who are ill and who believe they would be unable to fulfil their duties as Archon due to their illness are required to advise the Department of Political Administration (DPA) of their circumstances by submitting a Form 12.

“Because this was established at the time of zoocracy as an obligation of citizenship, we take it very seriously when Animals refuse to participate,” says DPA spokesAnimal Antoinette Fourmi.

Laying charges against Park citizens is not the DPA’s first step, however.

“We don’t like to involve the Police or the courts,” Fourmi says. “We try to reason with our citizens, to appeal to their sense of duty. But when there is no response, that leaves us with little choice.”

On Friday, after the DPA confirmed that Tarsier had withheld his name wilfully, Park Police laid the charge against him.

Tarsier’s trial will begin after Groundhog Day, according to a spokesAnimal for the courts.

Without even a budget, what will be the legacy of our 2014 government?

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2014 ArchonsA failed budget, citizen unrest, poverty, threats to safety, interspecial tension …

The list of The Park’s problems is long but the shorter one, it appears, is that of the accomplishments of the 2014 Archons.

“Things looked so promising … with [Chief Archon] Buckminster Moose and his take-charge attitude. We thought he could really set The Park straight,” said Ronald Grouse, chief political analyst at The Avian Messenger during an interview on CLucK Radio yesterday.

“But then he disappeared. He faded into the background and all The Park’s problems came to the fore. I think it’s safe to say that we’ve had no actual leaders this year.”

Grouse isn’t the only one who feels this way. The results of a survey conducted last month by the Livingstone School of Economics and Social Science at the University of West Terrier indicate that Park Animals are even more disillusioned by the 2014 government than they were by the government of 2013.

“Last year, respondents were disappointed. This year, it appears, they are also angry,” says Dr. Anneliese Cissa, the Livingstone School’s head.

“They feel The Park is stagnating and even more, that perhaps zoocracy isn’t working. And there is a surprising amount of support for a change in the way we choose governments,” she says.

While Dr. Cissa stopped short of criticizing sortition (the current method of selecting a government), she did say she thought Park Animals might be ready for a “free and full” discussion of other options.

Meanwhile, all 35 of the 2014 Archons are in seclusion for the next few days, awaiting the announcement of the names of their successors and, possibly, re-fashioning their legacy while there is still time.

Developing story: Gunnar Rotte claims he was assaulted at bakery outside Park

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Gunnar RotteDEVELOPING STORY
Journalist Gunnar Espen Rotte, who gained notoriety in December when he published a controversial editorial in the Rodent Commoner, claims that he was assaulted this morning when he was shopping at a bakery outside The Park.

Rotte, whose opinion piece was entitled, “Why I Don’t Bleed for my Striped Brothers,” has been the target of threats since early December. He spent two weeks in hiding and was the recipient of personal security from Park Police until January 1.

Rotte told The Mammalian Daily in a call from his burrow that that he had gone on a “usual” excursion outside The Park to buy some pastries for a small gathering he is hosting tonight.

“As soon as I walked into the place, I could feel the tension,” Rotte said.

The bakery was filled with customers, most of them Humans, and Rotte said he just wanted to place his order and leave.

“But before I knew it, they’d mobilized. One got a broom; another got a spray can. I went behind the counter, picked up two pies, threw my money at the server and ran,” he said. “I didn’t even wait for the change.”

Rotte was visibly shaken when he returned to The Park, his friends say.

“He ran into his burrow and stayed there for about an hour. Then he called us to say he was all right.”

Lawsuit brought by Simply Structures may “have legs,” says legal expert

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jgroundhogdayThe lawsuit filed by Simply Structures against the Park Archons and the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations may “have legs,” according to Delwyn Terrier, founding partner of Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd.

The suit was launched in November after the construction firm lost its bid to build the prognostication pad for the 2015 Groundhog Day celebrations. Simply Structures has supplied the materials, design, and construction of the pad for over ten years, but it lost the 2015 bid to Nesthetics, a relative newcomer.

At the time of the announcement in mid-October, the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations issued a brief statement in which it said it had been impressed by the Nesthetics bid and by the foresight the company had demonstrated with regard to the sturdiness of materials and design.

Among other things, Simply Structures alleges in its lawsuit that the words “sturdiness” and “foresight” are implied criticisms of their company in general and of the 2014 prognostication pad, in particular.

According to its representatives at the law firm founded by Ingmar Prärievarg, Simply Structures believes that it lost the 2015 bid due to the so-called “shadow controversy” of 2014. The controversy occurred when a group of spectators, frustrated by the prospect of having to endure another six weeks of Winter, claimed that the shadow the POPS saw was not her own, but one that appeared as a result of a fault in the prognostication pad.

Despite the fact that a team of shadow experts ruled that it was the POPS’s own shadow and no fault was ever found in the prognostication pad, the impression of liability has lingered. Now, the company is taking action against it.

“Negative impressions stick in our minds. They linger long after they’ve been disproven. That gives great power to innuendo and gossip. In this case, it’s a question of whether or not they can prove those words defame their company. If they can, that will go a long way toward effecting change with regard to how Park law deals with the issue of defamation,” says Terrier.

The case is scheduled to go to trial before Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon in late Spring.

He’s baaaack! Leaner and “mellower” Tab Tricolore returns to The Park

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Tab TricoloreRenowned chef, restaurateur, and award-winning author Tab Tricolore has returned to The Park and is back at work, says the manager of Tricolore’s fine dining restaurant, Klo.

“He’s been scooting around the kitchen here for a few days now and we’re already starting to get sick of him,” joked manager Léopard Mirepoix in a radio interview this morning.

Tricolore, himself, has not spoken to the media and, according to Mirepoix, has not mentioned his absence at all.

“It’s as if he was never gone, though he has acknowledged the tremendous support of Park residents. He said he found it overwhelming and intends to thank everyone formally in the coming weeks.”

Mirepoix said he’s found Tricolore “mellower” since his return.

“He has definitely mellowed out. You can see it in his face. Before, the stripes on his face were zig-zagged; he was always in a hurry, always suffering from stress. Now, [the stripes] they’re straight … he has a smile on his face. And he’s lost a bit of weight. I don’t know whether that’s because he wasn’t fed or what. Only he can tell us. But he isn’t in distress; if anything, he’s happier than before.”

Tricolore’s former saucier, Barry “Béarnaise” Burmilla says he’s not surprised that Tricolore is back at work.

“Food is his first love. I think, in many ways, it is his only love. And it would be his comfort, no matter what. Whether he’s sadder or happier, food is where he would go first. I’m glad he’s come back,” says Burmilla.

Interview with Thisbe, Part I: “Life is what happens after the credits roll.”

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Thisbe

Thisbe

A partial transcript of the Mammalian Daily Radio (TMD Radio) interview with Thisbe, hosted by Winsell Tamarin and broadcast live December 3, 2014, appears below. Please note, this transcript has been edited due to space limitations.

WT: Welcome, Thisbe. It’s a great privilege to talk to you today.
T: Thank you, Winsell. It’s a privilege to be here.
WT: I’d like to start off, if you don’t mind, by addressing some of your fans’ concerns about your upcoming tour and your career decisions in the last decade.
T: Yes, that’s fine. I knew you would want to talk about that.
WT: You embarked on a farewell tour some years ago—
T: Yes. 2007
WT: 2007. And—
T: And I fell ill and we cancelled the tour because we didn’t know when I would be well enough to resume work. And the Barkettes … particularly Estelle … had other commitments, so—
WT: And that brings me to my question. Not about the tour. About your relationship … with the Barkettes. There have been many rumours, as I presume you know, that you aren’t particularly close. Some even say that you aren’t on speaking terms.
T: That’s nonsense. I mean, about not being on speaking terms. Of course we’re on speaking terms. We practically grew up together. But, are we close? Who is to be the judge of that? We have all lived our own lives, even while performing together and spending almost every waking moment together for many years. We are our own Canines. But we care about each other. Deeply. And, to a great extent, we understand each other. Perhaps more than any other Canines could ever understand the five of us. And not just because we’ve been together for so long.
WT: And Noreen? What is your relationship with Noreen these days? I see that she dedicated her book to you.
T: Noreen is a very special Canine. We have a special relationship that defies definition. I was the one who rejected her as a Barkette, so I was the one who had to live with that guilt for years. I was afraid it would destroy her, but she is the most resilient Animal I’ve ever met. In the end, it was she who helped me to survive, rather than the other way around.
WT: So, would you say that you are close friends?
T: I don’t understand why you keep asking that kind of question. Noreen has her own special abilities and she has her own life. However close or not close we are, is our business.
WT: We’ll move on. What do you hope to gain through this new tour?
T: Gain? I don’t think we hope to gain anything, per se. We are continuing with our careers, after a hiatus of about 7 years. We did do a few concerts together during that time, but we didn’t tour. The Barkettes, themselves, toured and pursued other interests. Mercedes went back to school; Lorraine has a number of charities that she works with; Carmen loves to garden and Estelle has done a number of television spots. We have all been busy. We are not returning from the depths. We are all well and happy and ready to start a new phase in our lives.
WT: What did you mean when you said that Noreen helped you to survive?
T: As you know, I was very ill for a long time and part of my illness was diagnosed as melancholia. I didn’t quite know what to do with myself. I was frustrated and agitated a lot of the time and I took to chasing my tail. I didn’t know how to move forward. As I’ve said to others in the past few years, life is what happens after the credits roll and I found out quite quickly that I didn’t like it and that I really didn’t know how to deal with life. It was something I’d been able to avoid by working so much. My concerns weren’t of the everyday kind; they were all career-related. When I was faced with the sorts of things that most Canines … most Animals are … I didn’t know what to do. It was Noreen who steered me in the right direction.
WT: How so?
T: She visited me one day and gently suggested to me that there were certain truths about my life and my upbringing that I hadn’t faced head-on … that I had spent many years running away from who I really was and, even more than that, who I was supposed to be. She said maybe it was time for me to take a look at all that. 

END OF PART I
Stay tuned for PART II: “I was made for the shows.”

Noreen: TMD’s Animal of the Year

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lovely-to-look-at-back-coverBREAKING NEWS
The Mammalian Daily has chosen Noreen as its 2014 Animal of the Year.

In a press announcement this morning, TMD managing editor Orphea Haas said the newspaper’s staff chose to honour the advice columnist and adjunct professor of Human Studies because of her “tireless efforts” on behalf of zoocracy and her commitment to achieving harmony among the species.

“Noreen has been at the forefront in the struggle to achieve harmony among the species. She has been committed to interspecial understanding from the beginning of her career. She has worked tirelessly in an effort to help other Animals achieve awareness, understanding, and acceptance of our differences, thereby upholding one of the most important tenets of zoocracy. Her recent book, Lovely To Look At: What Animals Should Know About Humans, is just another example of her endeavours in this regard. Noreen is a true champion of zoocracy and an upstanding Park citizen and we are pleased to honour her as our 2014 Animal of the Year,” said Haas.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

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