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Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2013—Gossip site hints at new Mammalian Daily rôle for Noreen

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Popular columnist Noreen may not be dispensing advice at The Mammalian Daily for much longer, if a popular Park gossipmonger’s sources are correct.

According to headsNtales, The Park’s “most-watched” gossip site, Noreen is currently in talks with several Park newspapers to expand her rôle beyond that of counselling Animals on how to live happily with Humans.

In keeping with her present position as adjunct professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier, Noreen is said to be keen on bringing her academic credentials to her newspaper writing.

“Noreen would like to share the knowledge of Humans that she has acquired over her lifetime with more of the general public,” says a source close to the columnist.

“Rather than answering Animals’ questions, she would like to offer something more substantial in a regular column or essay. She believes that many Animals are lacking knowledge of Human history, for example, and she would like to fill that gap so that Animals can better understand the world around them and make better-informed choices.”

If these are indeed Noreen’s wishes, they may well fall in line with the intentions of the University of West Terrier. While there has been no final word on the subject from the UWT Board of Governors, rumours have suggested the school is considering a major expansion of its Department of Human Studies.

Meanwhile, Noreen remains silent on her plans for the future and has declined to comment on any rumours.

OTD in 2012—”Non-Hibernators’ Guilt” can mar enjoyment of Winter celebrations, experts say

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Non-hibernators’ guilt, which has been linked to Sad Cow Disease, (SCD) can mar enjoyment of Winter celebrations, according to experts.

With the Winter Solstice celebrations just a few days away, experts in the field of mental health have turned their attention to one of the season’s biggest scourges: Non-Hibernators’ Guilt.

“After Extinction Anxiety, Non-Hibernators’ Guilt is the most common psychological condition we see in the Winter season,” says Dr. Gudrun L. Gibbon, a Park psychotherapist who will also serve as a staff member at The Park’s first Extinction Anxiety Clinic when it opens in January.

The condition, also known as NHG, can affect Animals who remain awake and active during the Winter season, but who have close friends and associates who are hibernators. NHG-affected Animals experience a deep sense of guilt and anxiety, concurrently with happiness, when they attend Park celebrations and important events in the Winter.

The Winter Solstice celebrations, in particular, are difficult for Park Animals. It is around that time that symptoms of NHG begin to occur, says Gibbon.

“These are the first celebrations of the Winter season, the first celebrations that are attended only by non-hibernators. In a way, they set the tone for the rest of the season. The amount of stress this puts on our non-hibernators has, I believe, been underestimated in the past,” she says.

While statistics show the number of Animals treated for NHG rising, experts in the field say the condition is not always easy to diagnose.

“Many of the symptoms of NHG are similar to those of other psychological conditions,” says Dr. Chloris Cougar, a researcher at the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine.

In fact, some of NHG’s symptoms look remarkably similar to those associated with Feline Unipolar Depressive Disorder (FUDD), one of Dr. Cougar’s areas of expertise. It’s important, however, that we not confuse NHG with other conditions, Dr. Cougar stresses.

“There is some preliminary evidence that suggests a connection between NHG and Sad Cow Disease (SCD), but this is very, very early research and we have to be very careful about making assumptions based on it. SCD is a more complex condition and is much more difficult to treat,” she says.

She likens NHG, on the other hand, to “a stronger variation of normal.”

“It’s natural for Animals to miss those close to them who are in hibernation, especially during times of celebration. But some Animals experience this temporary loss more profoundly than others. Those are the Animals we are concerned about,” she says.

While acknowledging that much further research is needed, the two experts offered this advice, in the meantime, for non-hibernating Park Animals:

“Try to enjoy the Winter holiday season by understanding the dictates of nature. Your hibernating compatriots are not missing out on the fun; instead, they are doing what is necessary for their survival. Soon enough, they’ll be among us again, celebrating other joyful occasions.”

OTD in 2014—DWBS advises Police to ease curfew, lift ban on travel for Winter celebrations

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DWBS: ease curfew, lift travel ban

The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has advised Park Police to ease the curfew for Park Animals and to lift the current ban on travel outside The Park in advance of the Celebration of the Winter Solstice.

After a meeting this morning with the Archons, DWBS Director of Public Relations Cornelius Kakapo announced the recommendation.

“After private consultations with the Archons, the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), and members of The Park’s health and welfare communities, the Department of Well-Being and Safety has reached the conclusion that it would be detrimental to the emotional, physical, and financial well-being of Park Animals to restrict their movements and cut short their celebration of the Winter Solstice,” he said.

Kakapo also confirmed that a series of meetings with the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) had convinced the department that continuation of the travel ban would have dire economic consequences for Park businesses, especially those that are food-related.

“We realized that we are risking impoverishment in our quest for security. We must be wary of overreaching in that regard,” he said.

Neither the Archons nor Park Police have commented thus far on the DWBS recommendations. The curfew and travel ban were enacted on December 8. The Celebration of the Winter Solstice takes place December 21.

OTD in 2012—Tulip Map recall “will create havoc in the Spring”: DWBS

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The Park’s Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has declared the recent recall of the 2013 Tulip Map “a disaster for The Park’s citizens.”

At a press conference held this afternoon, Cornelius Kakapo, DWBS Director of Public Relations, said the map recall will create confusion in general and “wreak havoc among our citizens in the Spring…particularly, among our hibernators.” That havoc, he said, could result in food shortages, violence, “and, possibly, death.”

The map, which is officially known as the “Map of Tulip and other Bulb Beds in The Park and Environs,” is produced annually by the Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC), in association with the Confederation of Ground Squirrels (CGS), the Idiosyncratic Hibernators of The Park (IHOP), the Association of Distinct Hibernating Animals of The Park (ADHAP) and the Park Alliance of Chipmunks (PAC). The map is used in both Fall and Spring by a large number of The Park’s residents, including members of its many hibernating communities.

The 2013 map, which was released November 1, was recalled on November 28, due to “changes beyond our control,” said a SpokesAnimal for the Confederation of Ground Squirels.

“Toxic substances were discovered in the bulbs’ planting areas and the decision was made to recall the map for the sake of Animals’ health and well-being. Unfortunately, the detection of these substances occurred after the map was distributed to our hibernators,” the SpokesAnimal said.

The DWBS’s Kakapo stressed the urgency of the situation, imploring the groups involved in researching and producing the map to rectify the situation as soon as possible.

“Our citizens, particularly our hibernators, rely on the [Tulip] map in the Spring. The map is the #1 Park resource for [finding] quick food sources. It is unthinkable that we should leave our fellow citizens without a reliable guide for food gathering. More importantly, the danger of [their] succumbing to chemical poisoning due to errors in the map make correcting the situation that much more urgent,” Kakapo said.

He also said his Department intends to “fully mobilize” in early Winter to prevent an outbreak of chemical poisoning in the late Winter and early Spring.

OTD in 2016—Winter Solstice celebration unofficial kick-off to zoocracy’s 35th birthday bash

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Next week’s celebration of the Winter Solstice will not only be spectacular, it will be “a taste of things to come,” according to Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations.

In fact, the annual Winter festival will be the “unofficial kick-off” to The Park’s year-long celebration of the thirty-fifth anniversary of zoocracy.

The “totality of Park life” will be celebrated in 2017, not just Animal self-rule, Kanariar told reporters at a press conference yesterday.

“Every aspect of our culture, our politics, and our life here will be represented in our 2017 celebrations,” she said. “It will be a chance for all of us to come together and acknowledge this great thing that we have accomplished in The Park.”

And, should you feel a case of Non-Hibernators’ guilt coming on, Kanariar was quick to assure that “every Animal’s species and way of life will be recognized” and every Animal will have a chance to attend the many events planned for 2017.

As for the Winter Solstice, Kanariar said the full schedule will be released on the weekend.

OTD in 2014—With or without him, Tricolore’s resto to serve food at Winter Celebration

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Tab Tricolore

The celebration will go on, with or without Tab Tricolore

The celebration must go on, they say. So, with or without their boss, Tab Tricolore’s restaurant will be serving food at the Celebration of the Winter Solstice on December 21.

In a statement released this morning, Aintza Kanariar, public relations director of The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals and Celebrations confirmed that Tricolore’s family restaurant, Clowder, will be among the establishments providing the celebration’s festive fare.

“We checked with Clowder’s manager and he says all systems are go,” Kanariar said when asked to elaborate on the subject in a radio interview this afternoon.

“I think we all feel that it’s what Tab would want,” she said.

In an article published yesterday in The Silvestris Star, Tricolore’s former saucier Barry “Béarnaise” Burmilla said all Tricolore’s staff members were “pulling together” to make sure the restaurants ran smoothly in their boss’s absence.

“We miss him and we need him, and we want to make sure that there are no problems for him when he finally returns,” Burmilla said.

In the meantime, Park Police say they have no news on Tricolore’s whereabouts.

OTD in 2014—UWT Human Studies course will use television to teach Human motivation

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University of West Terrier coat of armsThe Department of Human Studies at The University of West Terrier has green-lit a new course that will use footage of Human television shows to teach students about Human motivation.

In a brief announcement posted on the university’s web site yesterday, the President and the Board of Governors of the university confirmed the addition of the new course to the undergraduate curriculum.

“The President and Governors of the University of West Terrier and the head of the Department of Human Studies are pleased to announce the expansion of the Department’s curriculum in 2015,” the announcement reads.

As of September 2015, the announcement says, students who are attending the University and have completed at least one full year of study will be eligible to enrol in the new course, which is listed as HS 207.

Although the course description has not been finalized, the head of the Human Studies Department confirmed that learning materials will include footage of television shows that are made by and watched by Humans.

“Thanks to an agreement signed last January between the University of West Terrier and the Avian Messenger’s ‘Birds on the Wire,’® service, we have been able to obtain footage of some Human television programming. This material has proven to be extremely valuable in the understanding of  Human motivation and the Human value system and we feel fortunate to be able to offer this to our students,” she said.

The announcement did not include any information regarding the course instructor, but many believe the department will appoint Noreen, since she has expertise in the field. The adjunct professor is currently on leave to promote her book, Lovely To Look At: What Animals Should Know About Humans and will return to her teaching duties in the Autumn.

The full announcement from the University can be read here.

OTD in 2013—Rapper Will.o.be. says he’s ready to stand trial Monday

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Rapper Will.o.be.

INTERVIEW

Rapper Will.o.be. sips spring water from a bowl.

“I want to keep my voice healthy and strong…for this interview and for the trial. I want to tell my story and I don’t want to sound the least bit hesitant,” he states.

Even so, he has limited this interview to ten minutes, so that he can continue to get into shape for his trial on Monday.

His legal representative, Sebastian Shepherd, lies a few feet away from him. Shepherd is a partner in the prestigious Park law firm of Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd. He can see all and hear all but he promises he won’t intervene.

“The truth needs no clarification,” he says bluntly.

The rapper flicks his whiskers, anticipating a barrage of questions, only a few of which he’s prepared to answer. Nevertheless, he displays a lovely demeanour; he is not nearly as aggressive offstage as he is when he is performing.

“Without giving away too much,” he offers, “a lot of that is an act. But do I feel rage? Yes, I do. And I believe that we all should.”

These days, his rage is focused mainly on the three charges he plans to fight before a judge on Monday: two charges of assault on an Oak Tree and one charge of mischief.

“This whole thing is outrageous,” he states firmly. “I unequivocally deny that I ever did such a thing [sharpening his claws on an Oak Tree] — not on the night in question or ever in my life.”

There are witnesses, those who were in attendance at the Beats of Burden Music Festival, who say they saw him do just that. But there are no photographs.

“The evidence, as such, amounts to hearsay,” the rapper says. “And not only hearsay, but worse. It’s a scheme to defame me and my music, to say that I have no respect for The Park, to punish me for my success because not all of it came from The Park.”

This is not the first time Will.o.be. has made that charge. And this is what is true: much of his success has come from his time performing outside The Park.

“They say I objectify Animals, that I allow myself to be laughed at by Humans and others…that it’s not my music but my so-called antics that have made me successful. Well, I dispute that. I don’t play for Humans. I don’t expect them to understand. If they buy tickets to my concerts, I can’t help that, but I have used that money to help Park Animals. Before, they could only criticize me for the Human element at my concerts. But, with this new charge, they’ve drilled deeper. They’re saying that I have no respect for other forms of life and that is despicable. And they’ve kept me away from my beloved Park Trees for almost three months.”

As the interview draws to a close, Will.o.be. offers to show me his claws, the ones that he is accused of sharpening on a Tree that is a cousin to The Park’s much-revered Ancient Oak. I question the gesture: no matter how they look, they can provide no evidence of anything, so many months after the charges were laid.

But, as it turns out, I may be wrong. The rapper who is so in-your-face about Animals living a “natural” life appears to have his claws professionally clipped on a regular basis.

“And that’s just a preview of my evidence,” he says, purring.

See also:  Rapper Will.o.be. to stand trial for defacing Tree at music fest

Rapper Will.o.be. will stand trial on Monday. Watch this space for up-to-the-minute reports.

OTD in 2014—Newspaper editorial should not be ignored, say Park’s aid groups

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Rodent CommonerAn editorial published last week that has ignited a firestorm of protest, has endangered the life of its writer, and has resulted in a curfew and a ban on travel outside The Park “should not be ignored,” say members of The Park’s aid groups.

“[Reporter Gunnar Espen] Rotte makes a valid point, in that you don’t have to have stripes or spots to be treated badly, inside or outside The Park,” says Rosbritt Piggsvin, head of the aid association Rodents at Risk.

“Almost all of us have all suffered from some sort of prejudice in our lives,” she says.

Inez Gallina, president of the immigrant aid group Home to Roost, agrees: “It’s not just prejudice. It’s more than that. I sometimes think it’s a holdover from the way we’re treated outside The Park. I think it spills over into our immigrants’ lives here. Native Park citizens make assumptions about us, based on what they’ve heard outside The Park. It can be devastating to a new immigrant, especially a refugee,” she says.

But Hendrik Dalmatiër of the Spotted Animal Alliance says these Animals are missing the point.

“This is not a contest about which Animal has a harder time. There is no winner here; there are only losers. It is our opinion that if a Park treats its Animals differently on the basis of appearance, we are all losers. And there is plenty of evidence that that happens,” he says.

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