The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2004—Flying Mammal Captures Top Prize in Toe-Hair Contest

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Rufus di RafineschiRufus di Rafineschi flew away with first prize at The Park’s eleventh annual Toe-Hair contest, held this Spring at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre.

All five judges awarded the Bat first place and offered high praise for his toe-hairs, which they said, “extended noticeably beyond the tips of his toes.”

Di Rafineschi, who with this victory becomes a member of an exclusive group of Animals in The Park, is the first big-eared Bat in the contest’s history to win the prestigious award.

“I’m thrilled and humbled,” di Rafineschi said at a press conference following the judges’ decision. “It makes me feel that I really belong in The Park.”

The Bat, a native of Kentucky, first roosted in The Park three years ago.

Finding the atmosphere “quite welcoming,” he decided to become a permanent resident a year ago.

Second and third prizes at the contest were awarded to Samuel P. Gecko and to Buckley, a Bearded Collie.

OTD in 2012—Central Bank warns against short-term interest rate hikes

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In a statement issued this morning, the Central Bank of The Park warned financial institutions against offering high, short-term interest rates to their estivating clients.

“It is not in the interest of The Park nor of the client [for banks] to adjust interest rates for terms that occur during the dormancy period,” the Bank said.

The practice of offering high, short-term interest rates to hibernating and estivating clients has been in place for at least a decade, according to the Association of Financial Institutions of The Park (AFIP).

In fact, according to a report written by the Consumer Protection Agency of The Park (CPAP) and presented to the Central Bank, local banking institutions count on the fat deposits these rates attract to boost their bottom line.

“There’s no doubt that, at this time of year, the estivating client is the preferred customer,” says CPAP head, Ursula M. Bjørn. “These clients are going nowhere for a substantial length of time and, consequently, neither is their money,” she explained.

These so-called “dormant” accounts that are offered by some of The Park’s banks come with an interest rate of up to fifteen percent above the base rate that is established every quarter-year by the Central Bank.

“This [interest] rate is substantially higher than the rate that non-hibernating and non-estivating Animals are offered on any of their accounts,” says Uzoma Serval, author of the book, BankWoe.

“But, there is a catch,” he says. “When the dormancy period ends for these Animals, they find they are not at liberty to withdraw their funds as they wish. They signed away that right, sometimes without even knowing it. And, their interest rate quickly plummets ten percent or more,” Serval says.

This has led to a rise in consumer complaints. And, non-hibernating and non-estivating Animals also have begun to complain about the practice. They say it is evidence of prejudice against them and that they are being treated unequally and unfairly by The Park’s financial institutions. It is a view the BankWoe author says may be difficult to dispute.

“The instruments of darkness tell us truths,” he says.

OTD in 2015—Barkettes’ set list disappears from theatre moments after concert ends

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Set ListThe set list for the May 8 concert of Thisbe and the Barkettes, held at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre, has gone missing.

According to theatre security, the list was affixed to the stage throughout the concert and it was security’s job to remove it after the band packed up.

“We were given specific instructions about its removal,” said a spokesAnimal for the theatre.

“We were told to keep it safe and secure, because Thisbe wanted to donate it to The Park Museum.”

Hilde Blaft, the group’s manager, told TMD Radio she is “incensed” by the occurrence.

“It must have been ripped from the stage moments after the concert ended,” she said in a brief radio interview this morning.

She said she had no idea who would do such a thing, and she made an emotional appeal to have the set list returned.

“Please, if you are the one who took it, please, please return it to the theatre. We will ask no questions and press no charges. It is of emotional value to all of us involved with Thisbe and the Barkettes and we only want to see it safely returned so that we can have it preserved at The Park Museum,” she said.

OTD in 2012—Dear Noreen: Is it wise for Animals to adopt Humans?

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DEAR NOREEN: A friend of mine has recently befriended a Human and they are now thinking about a permanent arrangement. Do you think it is wise for an Animal to adopt a Human? – PONDERING

DEAR PONDERING: Such adoptions are much in vogue, so I think it’s time we had an open discussion of these arrangements.

First, though, let me say this: anyone who reads this newspaper regularly knows my opinion of Humans: they’re lovely to look at, but I wouldn’t want to live with one.

Aside from that, I am very much in favour of so-called blended families, by which I mean a mix of species and breeds living and breathing (but not breeding) under one roof or in one burrow. It’s definitely the wave of the future, regardless, since so many these days are born but not wanted, not to mention the many more who are wanted, but not born. So, all things being equal (or as lopsided as a Rabbit’s ears), these two needs should match up rather nicely to form a few harmonious families.

You do have to be careful, though, when adopting Humans, since living with them is unnatural, as are many of their habits. They are also painfully slow to develop (indeed, many of them never truly mature). Yet – and, don’t forget this – their lifespan far exceeds that of many of us, a fact that creates its own set of problems.

Remember, too, that Humans can be difficult to train, prone as they are to that eponymous condition known affectionately by them as “Human error.” Still, I would advise your friend to give it a try. No happiness was ever won by avoiding risk.

Dear Noreen is a regular feature of The Mammalian Daily and The Mammalian Daily online. If you have a question for Noreen, please send it via Twitter at @talkswithnoreen.

OTD in 2015—Barkettes triumph at sold-out concert

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Dancing in the aislesREVIEW
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
Thisbe and the Barkettes
Bring Your Own Bone Tour
At the Ancient Open-Air Theatre
Friday, May 8

They were dancing in the aisles. And that is no metaphor.

By the time Friday’s concert by Thisbe and the Barkettes wrapped up—two hours later than scheduled—there was no Animal left who was lying, sitting, or standing still.

“I’ve never seen anything like it. Not even at the Beasts of Burden concert ten years ago,” said music aficionada and longtime Barkettes fan Miriam Wapiti. “It was overwhelming.”

That feeling was unanimous. And mutual, as well.

The first Park concert of the group’s Bring Your Own Bone tour delivered on its promise both musically and emotionally and as Thisbe said just before the encores began, “We will never forget this feeling. You don’t know what you’ve given us.”

The evening opened with a very short video of highlights of the group’s career, including a few snippets from I Love a Man in a Collar, Rauf Wiedersehen Shepherd’s documentary about the group that opened the 2012 Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF).

Then, The Barkettes ascended the stage, not together as expected, but one by one: first, Estelle, then, Lorraine, Carmen and, finally, Mercedes. By this time, the crowd was clamouring for Thisbe. Screaming, howling and banging their own home-made instruments, they kept up a steady call for the singer until suddenly all fell silent. From stage left, they could see just the tip of Thisbe’s nose. Then, after a quick shake, she bounded onto the stage to join her Barkettes.

Wearing a bespoke collar in raspberry, she acknowledged the crowd with a quick shake of the paw before launching into a solo version of Goin’ to the Groomer. Then, the Barkettes joined her for Four Strong Paws, Halcyon Days, Puppy Love, I Will Follow Her, Perrito, Perrito, Sto Spiti Mou/At My House, It’s My Bone and I’ll Chew It If I Want To, and a jazzed-up version of Papa’s Got a Brand New Ball.

But the evening wasn’t just a nostalgic trip through the group’s greatest hits. Rumours that their recent studio work has included new music were confirmed in the second half of the show when they introduced three new songs: You Should Know By Now, Working Dog/Sporting Life, and Again.

Of course, one of the great highlights of the night occurred just before the concert’s end when Noreen joined the group onstage for a rousing rendition of Stuffed Dogs Don’t Shed. Though she’d planned to sing only one song with her idols, the crowd called for encores and Noreen ended up singing her heart out all the way through Mud Season and Paws Across The Water.

One last surprise awaited the audience at the end of the night: after the group’s bows and thanks and encores and final exit, Thisbe returned for one last solo and sang I’ll Never Walk Alone to her adoring fans. When she was done, she had only two words left for the screaming crowd: “With gratitude,” she said.

Ditto.

Thisbe and the Barkettes return tonight to sing at The Wishing Well at 8:00 p.m.

OTD in 2012—Slow Art Movement picking up steam in Park

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The Slow Art Movement (SAM) is catching on with art-savvy Animals in The Park, according to the child of one of the Movement’s founders.

Fionn-Fionnoula T. Snail, the offspring of Marcel-Marcelle T. Snail, Jr., says the Movement is gaining ground in The Park, and this is making it easier for Slow artists to have their work shown in local galleries.

“Just a year ago, it was next to impossible for artists in the Movement to get into The Park galleries. Now, we are seeing a huge change and Movement artists are far more hopeful about their work being seen,” the Snail said in an interview yesterday on Reptile Radio.

The Snail, who serves as art critic at the recently-reorganized Mollusk Messenger, said that even galleries such as the Ewe and Moo have expressed interest in showing Slow Art.

Tegwin Cooter, Director of The Tortoiseshell Gallery, concurs with the Snail’s assessment.

“We used to be the only gallery in The Park that had any interest in the Movement; now, we have to compete with other galleries. The Movement is really gaining momentum. I wouldn’t be surprised if we began to see showings outside The Park,” she says.

OTD in 2012—”Mating Dance Blues” are real, says expert

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If “woe is me” describes the way you’re feeling after Sunday’s Mating Dance, take heart. A new study shows that at least a third of those who attend mating events such as Sunday’s dance suffer some kind of psychological letdown in the days and weeks that follow.

The results of the study, which was conducted by Dr. Chloris Cougar at the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine, also suggest that finding the right mate may be more complicated for Animals today than it was for our forebears.

“I truly believe it was simpler then,” Dr. Cougar said in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning.

The researcher, who is renowned for her groundbreaking study of Feline depression, “Even Miaowgirls Get the Blues,” and for her work on Feline Unipolar Depressive Disorder (FUDD), says that her new study shows that planned mating events can, sometimes, have a backfire effect on the participants.

“I think part of the reason is that these [planned] events raise expectations so high that they just can’t be met,” she said.

“The result is, predictably, a letdown…a deflation of sorts. But, rather than deflating our ridiculously-high expectations, these events tend to deflate our hopes of finding a suitable mate, while leaving those unrealistic expectations of others intact.”

Dr. Cougar says it is best to take it slowly and to pace yourself, in order to avoid the frenzy of a planned mating event.

“If you do choose to attend one, try to see it as a social gathering and try to enjoy the company. Try not to pressure yourself and others and do your best not to respond to the pressure of others on you,” she advises.

OTD in 2015—Noreen to be Barkettes’ special guest at opening concert in The Park on May 8

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NoreenNoreen will be the special guest of The Barkettes tonight at their opening concert in The Park, it was announced this morning.

The longtime fan and supporter of the singers will appear onstage in the second half of the performance, according to a press release issued this morning by the group’s manager Hilde Blaft. The release did not say whether or not Noreen will join in the singing.

The Mammalian Daily advice columnist and adjunct professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier was the first journalist to land a sit-down interview with the group more than ten years ago. Since then, Noreen has given up her own dreams of becoming a Barkette in favour of her journalistic and academic career.

Last year, Noreen published her first book, Lovely To Look At: What Animals Should Know About Humans. She dedicated the book “To Thisbe and the Barkettes. For everything.”

Tonight’s concert begins at 8:00 p.m. at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre.

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

Click on the image to buy Noreen’s book.

OTD in 2017—Mating Dance selfies posted on web by Humans: DWBS

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Cow selfieThe Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has launched an investigation into the posting on the internet of selfies and other photos that were taken during Thursday’s Mating Dance.

At a late night press conference yesterday, DWBS Director of Public Relations Cornelius Kakapo announced the investigation.

“The Department of Well-Being and Safety has launched a full-scale investigation into the posting of photos taken by Park Animals at the annual Mating Dance on Thursday May 5. At the same time, the Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) of the Park Police and the Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS) have begun their own, independent inquiry. The DWBS intends to cooperate fully with Park Police and to share our findings with them,” Kakapo said.

The DWBS became aware of the photos early yesterday morning, according to Kakapo.

“We were alerted to their existence by one of the Animals whose photos appear on a web site. We subsequently determined that this web site is owned by Humans,” he said.

Kakapo described the photos as “private and intimate” and said the Animal who reported them does not wish to be named.

“It is beyond disturbing that this has happened and we consider this type of behaviour to be a clear and present danger to all Park Animals,” he said.

OTD in 2017—Bedfellows’ singer pleads at Mating Dance: “Help me save my family!”

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bedbug-1 Hugo Percevejo, backing singer with the group PolyTICKS and The Bedfellows, has asked for our help to save the members of his family who reside outside The Park.

In an impassioned plea at yesterday’s Mating Dance, the singer explained that a large contingent of his family has lived outside The Park for decades, but that a recent “war” on his species had made that choice untenable.

“They are under constant siege, having to move from house to house, often in the middle of the night,” he said, moments after the group concluded their set.

Percevejo, who was, himself, attacked last December while on a short trip to visit friends outside The Park, said his species has become subject to violence and chemical attacks on a regular basis.

“My species is fighting a battle against Humans and I fear it’s one we cannot win,” he said. “We have no choice but to leave our homes. But we need your help to do that.”

The singer’s plea was met with cheers of support and promises of aid, but as of this morning, there had been no official word from either from the Archons or from the Department of Well-Being and Safety. Many of The Park’s aid groups have stepped up to offer their assistance, however, and some prominent members of The Park’s musical community have done so as well. Most  notably, the Endeka Elephant Band has offered to travel outside The Park to bring back Percevejo’s family members.

“We know the situation they’re in and we will do our best to save them,” said Árvakur Fíl, a member of the Endeka band, whose  bassist, Zuberi Tembo, was killed by Humans last year while visiting his family in Africa.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

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