The Mammalian Daily

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OTD in 2016—Mating Dance organizers announce partnership with gewper for 2016 event

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Dachsunds in loveOrganizers of The Park’s annual Mating Dance announced today that gewper will play a major rôle in this year’s event.

At a press conference held this morning, Mating Dance chief organizer Viviette Lapine confirmed the Dance’s partnership with The Park’s only scented social networking site.

“We are thrilled that gewper has agreed to partner with us for this year’s event. As we all know, scent is a major part of our lives—perhaps the most important sense for many of us—and the rôle that scent plays in mating is significant. In this context, ‘scents make perfect sense,’ ” she said, as she invoked the web site’s signature phrase.

Executives from RhinoTech, Inc. and Enterprises Moufettes, S.A., gewper’s developers and de facto owners, appeared happy as Lapine spoke about the partnership, which will likely rehabilitate their brand after the fiasco of their collaboration with Tab Tricolore on his scented holiday television program in December.

Lapine also confirmed that they will again be offering members of The Park’s endangered species a pre-registration package that includes free genetic and psychological counselling services. Pre-registration for the Mating Dance will begin at 10:00 a.m. on Monday, April 18 at the offices of the Department of Well-Being and Safety. All Animals must bring proof of their eligibility in the form of their membership in The Park’s Endangered Species Benefits Programme (ESBP). The Mating Dance will occur on Thursday, May 5.

OTD in 2016—Rapper Will.o.be. under fire for criticism of zoocracy after Return of the Nut

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Rapper Will.o.be.First, it was Douglas Cheetah. Now, Rapper Will.o.be. is coming under fire for remarks he made at The Park’s emotional Return of the Nut ceremony on Saturday.

Just minutes after 2016 Keeper of the Nut Ekeoma L. Girraaf returned the Nut to The Park’s hibernating community, swearing the ancient oath that it was “kept from harm and preserved intact,” the singer and composer made some incendiary remarks to a Mammalian Daily Television (TMDTV) reporter.

In a “live at the scene” interview, the beloved musician criticized the Archons’ Groundhog Day address, as well as the Archons themselves, saying that they “embodied everything that is wrong with zoocracy.”

A shocked television audience then found themselves subjected to a barrage of specist comments, as Will.o.be. declared that “Fish do not speak for me,” that “[Chief Archon] Mink does not speak for me,” and that “very few other Animals have any idea what it’s like to be Feline.”

The composer and singer then went on a rampage against Animal self-rule, declaring that most Animals are not able to run their own lives, let alone the lives of millions of other Animals of all species.

“I’ve spent a lot of time in the Human world and I know that it doesn’t work there, either,” he said.

Minutes after the broadcast, Mammalian Daily Associated News Services (MDANS), TMDTV’s parent company, issued an apology for the rapper’s remarks, saying they did not reflect in any way the views of MDANS or its employees.

OTD in 2015—Despite the bitter cold, jubilation reigns at Return of the Nut ceremony

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Return of the Nut 2015The temperature was well below normal, the wind was howling and the snow blew upwards and stuck to our whiskers. But there were no complaints from the jubilant throng that braved the elements to attend yesterday’s Return of the Nut ceremony.

As  2015 Keeper of the Nut Eduarda Teresinha Coelho swore the ancient oath that the Nut was “kept from harm and preserved intact,” a great cheer went up from the crowd. The attendees, most of them recently-awakened hibernators, hugged one another, welcomed each other back, and expressed heartfelt thanks to their non-hibernating compatriots.

“Another year, another Nut,” said Malinda L. Hamster, president of the Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC).

“This is always a very emotional event for us.”

Indeed, and it is a day of great significance to The Park as a whole, as it marks the end of hibernation and the reuniting of most of The Park’s residents.

“It’s a day of faith renewed, as well as hope for the future,” says Park psychoanalyst Dr. Elinore E. Owl. “Its meaning cannot be overstated.”

Clark Cascanueces, President of the Park Historical Society, agrees.

“It’s impossible not to feel the significance [of the Return of the Nut]. It speaks to all our hopes and fears. It renews our faith in our community of non-hibernating friends as well as our faith in ourselves and our survival. In many ways, it marks a new year, even though technically the year has already begun for many.”

Read more about the Keeper of the Nut.

OTD in 2017— Today’s Return of the Nut celebration to include tribute to Nestor

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Today’s Return of the Nut celebration will include a tribute to the late Nestor P. Cat, who served as Keeper of the Nut in 2008.

In a statement released this morning, Malinda L. Hamster, president of the Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC), said the short tribute would recognize “Nestor’s importance to our community in particular, his important scientific and poetic contributions in general, and his great love of The Park.”

The tribute will occur a few minutes after 2017 Keeper of the Nut Sunniva Muldvarp returns the symbolic Nut to the hibernating community and swears the ancient oath that it was  “kept from harm and preserved intact.”

As part of the tribute, The Park’s Official Hibernation Ambassador, Hieronymous Hedgehog, will read one of Nestor’s most famous poems, “A Poem of Love Inspired by Water.”

The Return of the Nut ceremony marks the end of the hibernation period and the beginning of a new phase of life in The Park.

“It’s a day of faith renewed, as well as hope for the future,” Park psychoanalyst Dr. Elinore E. Owl, has said.

Clark Cascanueces, President of the Park Historical Society, told The Mammalian Daily that its significance “cannot be underrated.”

“It renews our faith in our community of non-hibernating friends as well as our faith in ourselves and our survival,” he said.

“I think Nestor would be honoured to be remembered at such an event.”

OTD in 2016—Wilkommen, Bienvenue: A guide to welcoming back our hibernating friends

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WelcomeMy, time flies!

It seems like it was just yesterday that we saw our hibernating friends off for the Winter and tomorrow they’re scheduled to return to us!

We’ll be thrilled to see them again, but how many of us understand this aspect of their lives? Do we know how they will feel—physically, mentally, and emotionally—in the days after rising?

“Probably not,” says Dr. Gudrun L. Gibbon, a Park psychotherapist who is also on staff at The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic.

“I don’t think most of us even think about it. We just say, ‘Welcome back’ and expect them to resume their lives as they were. We don’t stop to think about the toll that hibernation takes on the body and mind or the length of time it takes to get up and running again,” she says.

For that reason, Gibbon decided to write what some are calling “the definitive guide” to welcoming back our hibernators.

The guide, which is available free of charge throughout The Park, was funded in part by The Department of Well-Being and Safety.

“They got on board right away. They thought it was high time we produced some educational tools on the subject. After all, a significant portion of our population hibernates or estivates. It has an impact on all of us, not just our personal relationships, but on our economy and our political life,” says Gibbon.

So, what should we know about our post-hibernating friends? Gibbon gave us a list of five things to remember when welcoming home post-hibernators:

  • Remember that they are not fully awake at first, even if they appear to be
  • Remember that hibernation is not rest, per se, and that they will be quite tired for a long period, post-hibernation. So, save the welcome parties for later in the Spring!
  • Don’t be insulted or alarmed if they don’t remember some important aspects of your life, or even their own. The deeper sleepers can experience significant memory loss, but this will improve with time
  • Give them some time to catch up on what they’ve missed. It’s difficult to take it in all at once
  • Don’t try to feed them too much at first. Their stomachs won’t be able to handle it

“I think it’s important for non-hibernators to understand the process,” says Gibbon. “And if you just understand these five things, you’ll be a fantastic friend to a hibernator.”

OTD in 2014—As hibernation ends, Park prepares for major health crisis

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feb19Not since Small Ball Fever hit panzootic proportions seven years ago has The Park been in such a state of high alert, says the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS).

At a press briefing early this morning, DWBS Director of Public Relations Cornelius Kakapo confirmed the “All Paws on Deck” state at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, as well as at all specialty clinics, as The Park faces the official end of hibernation tomorrow.

“Even last year, [after the] Tulip Map debacle, when we saw the largest number of Animals suffering from Tulip-Related Illness…that is going to look small in comparison to what we believe we’re about to face,” he said.

Last year’s jump in the number of cases of Tulip-Related Illness (TRI) was due to a fault in the official Tulip Map, which is used in the Spring by a large number of The Park’s residents as a tool for sourcing food.

After the map’s producers discovered the presence of toxic substances in the bulbs’ planting areas, they deemed the map unsafe and recalled it. Unfortunately, the recall came too late for the majority of hibernators and that resulted in a huge spike in the number of cases of TRI.

“Not to diminish the importance of TRI, but this year, due to our delayed hibernation, The Park’s hibernating population faces the possibility of decimation as a result of deaths from premature awakening,” says Dr. Jagger Zebu, Professor of Mammalian Medicine at the University of West Terrier.

Dr. Zebu, who is one of the authors of a report that documents the rise in the incidence of deaths due to premature awakening, was among the experts consulted by the 2013 Archons and the DWBS after the problem with the POPS election caused a delay in the official hibernation date.

On the hot seat recently as a guest of Yannis Tavros on Toro Talk Radio, Dr. Zebu admitted that the date of December 1, a full two weeks later than usual, was “the best and safest date we could come up with under the circumstances.”

“But we still knew we’d taken a risk with Animals’ lives by delaying hibernation at all. We are hoping for the best outcome possible, but we know we will have to do better in the future,” he said.

See also:

Archons bow to pressure: hibernation to begin December 1
Hospital braces for flood of Tulip-Related Illness Victims
Deaths from premature awakening on the rise: study
Park braces for panzootic as Small Ball Fever claims new victim

OTD in 2015—Many Animals blame calendar harmonization for economic woes

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Original Park CalendarMany Animals blame calendar harmonization for both their personal economic woes and the persistent sluggishness of The Park’s economy, say the results of a recent survey.

The late Autumn questionnaire, which was conducted jointly by The Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) and the Park Finance Office asked five key questions regarding personal finance and the state of the economy. The results show a significant number of Animals, though not a majority, believe it was a mistake to harmonize the calendar with that of those living outside The Park.

“It’s an idea that took hold in Animals’ minds well before harmonization and it stuck,” says current PASS president Wellington Whistlepig, whose group began lobbying for calendar harmonization six years before it took effect.

“I don’t think it’s been fully understood by some but I also believe that the hardship experienced over the past few years has made Animals more likely to blame one thing rather than to look deeper at the number of different factors that might have led to our problems,” he says.

A cornerstone of the 2010 Archons’ “Agenda for Modernization,” The Park’s original Varrian calendar was fully retired in December, 2012. The calendar now in use is known outside The Park as the Human Gregorian calendar. The last printed copy of the Varrian calendar will reside permanently in the Park Museum, which is set to open on March 1.

In a statement released yesterday, the new head of the Park Finance Office said she is taking some time to review the results of the late 2014 public consultations on the budget. After that, she will begin making recommendations for a 2015 budget, which she intends to present before the end of the first quarter. No mention was made of whether reverting to the original calendar was among the suggestions tabled.

OTD in 2017—Off the docket: Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon postpones February court

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Mr Justice Augustus DindonThe office of Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon issued a statement today advising all concerned parties that the trials and hearings over which he was to preside in the remaining days of February will be postponed until March or later.

No reason for the postponement was cited in the statement, but sources close to Justice Dindon tell The Mammalian Daily that he has been feeling ill since Groundhog Day and that he is taking a few days off “on the advice of Dr. Bourru.”

Justice Dindon has kept a rigorous schedule over the past few years. As the only justice serving on The Park’s Superior Court for the past ten years, he has presided over thousands of trials. Despite that, he has resisted calls to hire an assistant justice. In an interview in late 2016, the justice said that he wasn’t against slowing down “at some point,” and might do so when he found “the right fit” for his court, but that he preferred to keep the lower court justices in place and continue presiding over the Superior Court.

The seven February trials and hearings that have been postponed include the request by Thisbe and the Barkettes for a cease and desist order against Halcyon Days Canine Coiffure. No dates have yet been set for the postponed court business.

OTD in 2008: Scientific community decries increase in “weesearch”

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Members of The Park’s scientific community have voiced their concern over the growing number of research grants that are being awarded to investigators whose projects examine subjects that pertain directly to their own populations.

In a statement issued on 12 January, the Committee to Oversee Scientific Research in The Park (COSRIP) said that it is particularly concerned about the number of grants that have been approved for studies that address issues that are related, specifically, to small Animals. These projects, which involve laboratory research and clinical trials, are led by principal investigators who are members of the small Animal population.

“The number of grants awarded to small Animals is disproportionate to the Park’s scientific population but that, in itself, is not a cause for concern,” said Dr. Milada J. page4image31040Goose, head of the Honking Hollow laboratory at the University of West Terrier, and a senior member of COSRIP.

“What we do find disturbing is that these small-Animal-led studies are focused on the concerns of the small Animal population. This undermines the studies’ credibility and characterizes them, whether rightly or wrongly, as ‘weesearch’ projects rather than as scientific investigations. We do not want to be seen funding studies that give the appearance of one community attempting to research its own concerns,” she said.

For its part, the Small Animal Scientific Community (SASC) has been quick to respond to the Committee’s accusation of conducting “weesearch.” On the occasion of the release of its annual page4image27528report, SASC-WATCH, the organization’s president took issue with COSRIP’s criticism. Citing The Memory Project, the largest scientific investigation ever funded in The Park, SASC President, Tarquinius P. Shrew, accused COSRIP of bias against small Animals.

“The Memory Project is both led and staffed by Elephants, but they [COSRIP] have no qualms about funding it,” he said.

Nevertheless, Dr. Goose reasserted COSRIP’s commitment to root out any semblance of partiality in the studies that are funded in The Park.

“We do not support any community’s professional occupation with itself,” she said.

OTD in 2015—On the anniversary of Jor’s birth, The Park contemplates its zoocratic future

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Jor, The Park's First LeaderThe speeches were long, the weather was frigid, and the musicians packed up too soon, but as Animals gathered yesterday to honour Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy, what was most on their minds was the sustainability of our way of life and the future of Animal self-rule.

“I have high hopes for zoocracy, but not for the system we’ve put in place to run it,” said Antoine Lézard, president of the Coalition Against Sortition in The Park (CASP).

“I think it’s high time we realized that we are mature enough to elect our own leaders, rather than have some lottery pick them.”

Lézard’s view was echoed by many who attended the celebration. Indeed, a recent poll conducted by the Department of Statistics and Records in conjunction with the Department of Political Administration, showed that almost fifty per cent of Park citizens think some form of change in the political system would be helpful.

Despite that result, Sylvana Rana, president of Save Our Political System (SOPS), insists that the present system of sortition works best and, in her words, “is the only thing that protects us from becoming a Human-like society.”

“We’ve seen what goes on in societies that have elections. It’s not only the elections that are the problem; it’s what goes on beforehand … the manipulation, the lying, the cheating. What is superior about that? At least, with sortition, we know that we all have an equal chance to participate and we come to the job in an honest fashion. I see no need to change anything,” she said.

But despite the discussion among Park citizens, there is no evidence that the 2015 Archons plan to make any changes, at least not in the first half of their term.

“They [the Archons] are focused on the economy and dealing with inequality. The present system was established by Jor and there are no plans on the table to discuss its reform,” says the Archons’ press secretary, Balthasar Alouatta.

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