The Mammalian Daily

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OTD in 2015—Without even a budget, what will be the legacy of our 2014 government?

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2014 ArchonsA failed budget, citizen unrest, poverty, threats to safety, interspecial tension …

The list of The Park’s problems is long but the shorter one, it appears, is that of the accomplishments of the 2014 Archons.

“Things looked so promising … with [Chief Archon] Buckminster Moose and his take-charge attitude. We thought he could really set The Park straight,” said Ronald Grouse, chief political analyst at The Avian Messenger during an interview on CLucK Radio yesterday.

“But then he disappeared. He faded into the background and all The Park’s problems came to the fore. I think it’s safe to say that we’ve had no actual leaders this year.”

Grouse isn’t the only one who feels this way. The results of a survey conducted last month by the Livingstone School of Economics and Social Science at the University of West Terrier indicate that Park Animals are even more disillusioned by the 2014 government than they were by the government of 2013.

“Last year, respondents were disappointed. This year, it appears, they are also angry,” says Dr. Anneliese Cissa, the Livingstone School’s head.

“They feel The Park is stagnating and even more, that perhaps zoocracy isn’t working. And there is a surprising amount of support for a change in the way we choose governments,” she says.

While Dr. Cissa stopped short of criticizing sortition (the current method of selecting a government), she did say she thought Park Animals might be ready for a “free and full” discussion of other options.

Meanwhile, all 35 of the 2014 Archons are in seclusion for the next few days, awaiting the announcement of the names of their successors and, possibly, re-fashioning their legacy while there is still time.

OTD in 2015—Lawsuit brought by Simply Structures may “have legs,” says legal expert

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jgroundhogdayThe lawsuit filed by Simply Structures against the Park Archons and the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations may “have legs,” according to Delwyn Terrier, founding partner of Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd.

The suit was launched in November after the construction firm lost its bid to build the prognostication pad for the 2015 Groundhog Day celebrations. Simply Structures has supplied the materials, design, and construction of the pad for over ten years, but it lost the 2015 bid to Nesthetics, a relative newcomer.

At the time of the announcement in mid-October, the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations issued a brief statement in which it said it had been impressed by the Nesthetics bid and by the foresight the company had demonstrated with regard to the sturdiness of materials and design.

Among other things, Simply Structures alleges in its lawsuit that the words “sturdiness” and “foresight” are implied criticisms of their company in general and of the 2014 prognostication pad, in particular.

According to its representatives at the law firm founded by Ingmar Prärievarg, Simply Structures believes that it lost the 2015 bid due to the so-called “shadow controversy” of 2014. The controversy occurred when a group of spectators, frustrated by the prospect of having to endure another six weeks of Winter, claimed that the shadow the POPS saw was not her own, but one that appeared as a result of a fault in the prognostication pad.

Despite the fact that a team of shadow experts ruled that it was the POPS’s own shadow and no fault was ever found in the prognostication pad, the impression of liability has lingered. Now, the company is taking action against it.

“Negative impressions stick in our minds. They linger long after they’ve been disproven. That gives great power to innuendo and gossip. In this case, it’s a question of whether or not they can prove those words defame their company. If they can, that will go a long way toward effecting change with regard to how Park law deals with the issue of defamation,” says Terrier.

The case is scheduled to go to trial before Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon in late Spring.

OTD in 2013—Surplus funds to be used for Archons’ swearing-in ceremony

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Park ArchonsThe 35 Animals who will form The Park’s 2013 government will be sworn in in style this year, thanks to the fortuitous discovery of “surplus funds” by The Park’s Finance Office (PFO).

At a press conference held this afternoon, Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations announced that “unanticipated” extra funds were made available to her department for the purpose of “sprucing up” the swearing-in ceremony.

“In the opinion of the PFO and others, the swearing-in of the annual Park government warrants a true celebration and these funds are meant to facilitate that,” she said.

No definition was offered for “true celebration” nor were the “others” named, but Kanariar hinted that the ceremony, which in the past been a solemn occasion, would be treated more like a Park festival this year.

“There will be refreshments available for those who attend the event and we are looking into constructing a stage upon which the Archons will take their oath,” she said. In the past, Archons took the oath, one by one, on level ground. Kanariar did not divulge the planned location of the stage, nor of the other changes to the programme.

“We are keeping those details to ourselves so that Park citizens can enjoy the anticipation of and, eventually, the realization of, an early Winter surprise,” she said.

While this afternoon’s announcement was met favourably by many, some were highly critical of the plan, including many members of The Park’s political reform groups.

Sylvana Rana, president of the pro-sortition group, Save Our Political System (SOPS), said she was “outraged” at what she considered a misuse of funds.

“This whole business stinks, quite frankly,” she said when questioned by reporters at a separate event.

“When the PFO finally presented their 2013 budget, they were not shy or apologetic about their cutbacks. If there was a surplus, why have cutbacks? And, if the surplus was discovered recently, why did the PFO not restore the previously-cut funding or ask Park citizens what they would like done with it? I find this whole thing very un-zoocratic,” she said.

The 2013 Archons will be sworn in on January 16, 2013.

OTD in 2015—He’s baaaack! Leaner and “mellower” Tab Tricolore returns to The Park

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Tab TricoloreRenowned chef, restaurateur, and award-winning author Tab Tricolore has returned to The Park and is back at work, says the manager of Tricolore’s fine dining restaurant, Klo.

“He’s been scooting around the kitchen here for a few days now and we’re already starting to get sick of him,” joked manager Léopard Mirepoix in a radio interview this morning.

Tricolore, himself, has not spoken to the media and, according to Mirepoix, has not mentioned his absence at all.

“It’s as if he was never gone, though he has acknowledged the tremendous support of Park residents. He said he found it overwhelming and intends to thank everyone formally in the coming weeks.”

Mirepoix said he’s found Tricolore “mellower” since his return.

“He has definitely mellowed out. You can see it in his face. Before, the stripes on his face were zig-zagged; he was always in a hurry, always suffering from stress. Now, [the stripes] they’re straight … he has a smile on his face. And he’s lost a bit of weight. I don’t know whether that’s because he wasn’t fed or what. Only he can tell us. But he isn’t in distress; if anything, he’s happier than before.”

Tricolore’s former saucier, Barry “Béarnaise” Burmilla says he’s not surprised that Tricolore is back at work.

“Food is his first love. I think, in many ways, it is his only love. And it would be his comfort, no matter what. Whether he’s sadder or happier, food is where he would go first. I’m glad he’s come back,” says Burmilla.

OTD in 2014—Park Museum bows to pressure, delays official opening until after hibernation

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Park MuseumThe Park Museum will celebrate its official opening in March rather than as previously stated in January, it was announced on Sunday.

In a short communiqué posted on its web site, the museum’s Board of Governors confirmed the official opening date of 1 March 2015.

No mention was made of any previous opening day announcements, nor was any reason given for the change. There is, however,  a record of a series of meetings that were held in late October between the museum’s Board of Governors and a number of organizations representing The Park’s hibernating communities. Many believe those meetings resulted in the later opening date.

“Yes, we did meet with them and they were very sympathetic to our situation, though they weren’t able to give us an answer immediately,” says Tarquinius P. Shrew, president of the Small Animal Scientific Community (SASC), many of whose members are hibernators.

“Our members have contributed greatly to scientific knowledge in The Park and they [the board of Governors] did seem to understand that opening the museum without our representation seemed unfair.”

Shrew says the meetings were also attended by representatives of the Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC) and the Confederation of Ground Squirrels (CGS).

In an interview this morning, Eduarda Teresinha Coelho, 2015 Keeper of the Nut, said she is “so pleased” that the museum re-thought its opening date.

“I think they were so focussed on not having another delay that they didn’t realize what they’d done initially,” she said.

“But they’ve demonstrated their commitment to inclusiveness and that will be much appreciated by the hibernators. It will make the museum truly ‘Our Museum,’ as the slogan says.”

Read the Park Museum’s announcement.

OTD in 2015—Tricolore’s scented holiday television show causes ill effects in viewers

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Tab and Hermione

Scented TV makes strange bedfellows: Chef Tab Tricolore and nurse Hermione Hippo tended to the sick at Park Hospital

DEVELOPING STORY

The Park’s first scented television show delivered more than it promised, according to the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm.

The hour-long show, which aired last night at 8:00 p.m. on Vertebrate Vision Television (VVTV), was billed by its producers as a “great experiment,” but none anticipated that the experiment would result in a rush to the emergency department.

A spokesAnimal for the Park Hospital said that at about 8:35, emergency room staff began to triage a “horde” of incoming patients, all of whom said they fell ill while watching the show.

“The symptoms were all the same: dizziness, vomiting, gastrointestinal problems…some had even lost tail or toe hairs. We had to assume it was caused by the show, even though we have no idea how that could happen,” the spokesAnimal said.

Hospital officials said they immediately contacted RhinoTech, Inc. and Enterprises Moufettes, S.A., creators of The Park’s only scented social networking site, gewper. It was gewper that supplied the scented aspect of the show, which it developed with Chef Tab Tricolore and VVTV.

The hospital spokesAnimal said they received a “terse reply” from both companies, saying it was impossible that the Animals had been sickened by the show. Vertebrate Vision Televison, however, issued a statement early this morning, expressing its “profound regrets” regarding any ill effects that viewers had suffered.

“We have launched an investigation into all possible causes of the illness and we will report our findings as soon as possible,” the statement said.

For his part, Chef Tricolore said he was “distraught” at the outcome of the broadcast and he rushed to the Park Hospital to offer any assistance he could.

“I have the utmost respect for my customers and my viewers,” he said. “My goal is to please, not to produce disease.”

OTD in 2015—”All Our Lines Are Busy:” Park Museum to host fundraiser for its music gallery

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All our lines are busy

“All Our Lines Are Busy.” Full staff represents the importance of music in Park life.

The Park Museum will host a fundraiser on February 29, 2016 in support of its as-yet-unopened music gallery.

In an announcement today, the museum’s Board of Governors invited all Park Animals to “a spectacular night of song, dance, food, and fun.” All proceeds, according to the announcement, will go toward the completion of the music gallery.

A spokesAnimal for the Board said the evening’s theme of “All Our Lines Are Busy” is meant to reflect the importance of The Park’s vibrant arts community and, in particular, its musical one.

“From the beginning, music has been a very important component of our life here,” said the spokesAnimal. “The Board of Governors, as well as many others, believe that music is fundamental to zoocratic life. Without a full [musical] staff, we would not be The Park that we are.”

The Board has requested that those attending respond at rsvp@parkmuseum.info.

The museum’s invitation may be read here.

OTD in 2014—With or without him, Tricolore’s resto to serve food at Winter Celebration

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Tab Tricolore

The celebration will go on, with or without Tab Tricolore

The celebration must go on, they say. So, with or without their boss, Tab Tricolore’s restaurant will be serving food at the Celebration of the Winter Solstice on December 21.

In a statement released this morning, Aintza Kanariar, public relations director of The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals and Celebrations confirmed that Tricolore’s family restaurant, Clowder, will be among the establishments providing the celebration’s festive fare.

“We checked with Clowder’s manager and he says all systems are go,” Kanariar said when asked to elaborate on the subject in a radio interview this afternoon.

“I think we all feel that it’s what Tab would want,” she said.

In an article published yesterday in The Silvestris Star, Tricolore’s former saucier Barry “Béarnaise” Burmilla said all Tricolore’s staff members were “pulling together” to make sure the restaurants ran smoothly in their boss’s absence.

“We miss him and we need him, and we want to make sure that there are no problems for him when he finally returns,” Burmilla said.

In the meantime, Park Police say they have no news on Tricolore’s whereabouts.

OTD in 2014—Newspaper editorial should not be ignored, say Park’s aid groups

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Rodent CommonerAn editorial published last week that has ignited a firestorm of protest, has endangered the life of its writer, and has resulted in a curfew and a ban on travel outside The Park “should not be ignored,” say members of The Park’s aid groups.

“[Reporter Gunnar Espen] Rotte makes a valid point, in that you don’t have to have stripes or spots to be treated badly, inside or outside The Park,” says Rosbritt Piggsvin, head of the aid association Rodents at Risk.

“Almost all of us have all suffered from some sort of prejudice in our lives,” she says.

Inez Gallina, president of the immigrant aid group Home to Roost, agrees: “It’s not just prejudice. It’s more than that. I sometimes think it’s a holdover from the way we’re treated outside The Park. I think it spills over into our immigrants’ lives here. Native Park citizens make assumptions about us, based on what they’ve heard outside The Park. It can be devastating to a new immigrant, especially a refugee,” she says.

But Hendrik Dalmatiër of the Spotted Animal Alliance says these Animals are missing the point.

“This is not a contest about which Animal has a harder time. There is no winner here; there are only losers. It is our opinion that if a Park treats its Animals differently on the basis of appearance, we are all losers. And there is plenty of evidence that that happens,” he says.

OTD in 2015—DWBS, UWT, Extinction Anxiety Clinic team up to fight Non-Hibernators’ Guilt

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Non-Hibernators' Guilt

The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS), the University of West Terrier School of Medicine, and The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic are teaming up to add might to the fight against Non-Hibernators’ Guilt (NHG).

At a small ceremony this afternoon, representatives of all three will be on hand to open the first of five pop-up clinics that will appear around The Park throughout the Winter. The clinics will serve NHG sufferers and will host information sessions to raise awareness of a condition that experts say has become “the scourge of the Winter season.”

“I think our hibernating population has been so successful in its awareness and outreach programmes over the last few years that, in a way, the result has been an increase in the number of NHG cases,” explains Dr. Gudrun L. Gibbon, a Park psychotherapist and staff member at the Extinction Anxiety Clinic.

“We’ve become so aware—hyper-aware, I would say–of the difficulties and perils of hibernation that we’ve come to believe, somehow, that we’re undeserving of the ease of our own lives,” she says.

Dr. Chloris Cougar, a researcher at the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine, agrees.

“Not to take anything away from our hibernators, whose bodies and psyches withstand so much, but I think the story has gotten a bit skewed. Just because your species doesn’t hibernate or estivate doesn’t mean that your life is in any way easy. The goal is not to feel guilty, but to maintain respect for ourselves and our own way of life, while empathizing as much as we can with others. That’s the message we’ve tried to impart at our public information sessions in the past. Now, we’ll be able to do it one-on-one with NHG sufferers and their friends and families,” she says.

The first pop-up clinic will open this afternoon at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm. It will operate seven days a week, from noon until nine o’clock, until January 15, 2016.

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