The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Fowl Ball fully hatched: organizer touts mature event for 2016

By

Fowl Ball

The Park’s third annual Fowl Ball will take place on Tuesday, May 31, 2016

The Fowl Ball is all grown up and ready to be the “main event”of The Park’s Spring social season.

“We had some growing pains, there’s no doubt about that. But we’re happy to say we’re over them and we’re ready to move forward as a mature event,” Rafael Ortega said this morning.

As the sole guest on Toro Talk Radio’s Yannis Tavros show, the Ball’s chief organizer had the opportunity to expound on his goals for the charity affair and some of them seemed quite lofty. But Ortega had an answer for any doubters:

“Birds like to think big and fly high,” he said.

Ortega has achieved many of his goals thus far. In two short years, he has made the Fowl Ball one of the most anticipated events on The Park’s social calendar. And it has brought in more money than Ortega anticipated it would do in the course of five years.

Indeed, on its own, the Ball has funded the establishment of The Park’s first retirement residence for wounded and elderly members of the Avian community. The residence is set to open this Autumn, but Ortega says he won’t be spending the time between now and then “sitting pretty” or resting on his laurels.

“My goal is to make the Fowl Ball not just a signature event, but a Park institution,” he told Tavros.

Doubters: consider yourselves warned.

The Park’s third annual Fowl Ball will take place on Tuesday, May 31, 2016. Tickets are on sale now and are available at all Park retailers, as well as at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre. 

Prepare for all-out food fight as farmers and app makers engage in war of words

By

Bulb Beacon with borderHistorians may look back on it and jokingly call it the “Tulip War,” but at present it’s a tense situation that could cause irreparable damage to The Park’s food and technology sectors.

It started last month, when the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF) complained in a print advertisement that The Park’s technology companies were encouraging Animals to abandon their natural practices of finding food in favour of letting apps do the searching for them. The SCPCPGF maintains that this negatively affects what it calls the “natural pacing” of food finding and will inevitably lead to uneven distribution, more food imports, and food shortages.

The Park’s technology sector laid low for a short time, hoping to wait out the controversy. But when the SCPCPGF refused to give up, SINCAP Technologies president Peppi Orava took to the airwaves to vigorously defend her company’s app, Bulb Beacon, and assert that SINCAP and other technology companies make it their business to support access to food in The Park.

“We all take access to food very seriously. I know from personal experience that it can be very frustrating and terrifying not to be able to find enough food, or to forget where you stored your food over the Winter. I’ve had relatives who almost starved and that was the impetus for me to develop our app,” she told Toro Talk Radio’s Yannis Tavros in an interview.

But that did not placate SCPCPGF president A.P. Civet, and a few days later, he called for a moratorium on the development of food-related technology.

Now, the anger that has been brewing for weeks threatens to spill over. As both sides begin to issue threats and accusations, experts say the issue could come to blows in May, as planting begins and the Park Finance Office turns its attention to the 2017 budget.

“What’s at stake here is not just peace in The Park, but the food supply itself,” says Kalliope Sun Bear, president of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP).

“We all should be very scared.”

Tinamou disputes rumour he paid media to join Month Without Metaphor

By

MonthWMAlvin Tinamou took to the airwaves this morning to dispute a claim that he paid some of The Park’s media outlets in exchange for their participation in Month Without Metaphor.

The publisher of the Avian Messenger and one of the organizers of the annual media event went on CLucK Radio at eight o’clock this morning to, as he said, “flatly deny” the claim made by the gossip side headsNtales.

“At no time did I even entertain the idea of offering compensation for participation,” Tinamou told interviewer Mayumi Manok.

Tinamou admitted he was worried about the participation numbers, but he told Manok that since Mammalian Daily managing editor Orphea Haas acquiesced to the pressure to name her reporters, “a large number” of media outlets had signed on.

“We’re not yet up to last year’s numbers, but we’re confident that we’ll get there,” Tinamou said.

As for the claim of compensation for participation, headsNtales co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo says she stands by her story.

“Tinamou can sing whatever song he chooses, but we have the facts and we can prove them,” she says.

CLucK Radio is owned by AVN Media, a Park-based media corporation whose holdings also include AVN Radio, and The Avian Messenger.

TMD’s Haas on no-name policy: “We have to honour our reporters’ contracts”

By

ContractsThe Mammalian Daily’s longstanding policy of not naming its reporters has continued because of the terms of its journalists’ contracts, it has been revealed.

Facing a herd of reporters at a press conference yesterday morning, Orphea Haas admitted that the newspaper has “suffered greatly” from the policy and is now experiencing a decline in readership.

“Not all of our troubles are due to this policy, but some of them are. We admit that the criticism we’ve faced is valid. The policy is outdated and not in keeping with our ethos of transparency, but we haven’t been in a position to change it, at least as far as our current employees are concerned,” she said.

Haas confirmed that new employees will sign “revamped” contracts that will include the publication of their name and, if they agree, their species.

“We do not believe that printing a reporter’s species is essential to transparency. Thus, we will give every journalist the opportunity to decline.”

On the issue of declaring species, Haas emphasized that The Mammalian Daily was in a unique position, since so many different species were qualified to work there.

“This isn’t as big an issue for The Reptile Register or, indeed, for The Equine Echo. But the possibilities [of species identification] are so much broader for us,” she said.

As for May’s Month Without Metaphor, Haas confirmed her newspaper’s support of the project and urged all Park media to participate in the event.

“It is a wonderful opportunity for us to take a critical look at what we say and how we say it. We have supported the event from the get-go and we intend to do so in the future,” she said.

TMD’s Haas on no-name policy: “We have to honour our reporters’ contracts”

By

The Mammalian Daily’s longstanding policy of not naming its reporters has continued because of the terms of its journalists’ contracts, it has been revealed.

Facing a herd of reporters at a press conference yesterday morning, Orphea Haas admitted that the newspaper has “suffered greatly” from the policy and is now experiencing a decline in readership.

“Not all of our troubles are due to this policy, but some of them are. We admit that the criticism we’ve faced is valid. The policy is outdated and not in keeping with our ethos of transparency, but we haven’t been in a position to change it, at least as far as our current employees are concerned,” she said.

Haas confirmed that new employees will sign “revamped” contracts that will include the publication of their name and, if they agree, their species.

“We do not believe that printing a reporter’s species is essential to transparency. Thus, we will give every journalist the opportunity to decline.”

On the issue of declaring species, Haas emphasized that The Mammalian Daily was in a unique position, since so many different species were qualified to work there.

“This isn’t as big an issue for The Reptile Register or, indeed, for The Equine Echo. But the possibilities [of species identification] are so much broader for us,” she said.

As for May’s Month Without Metaphor, Haas confirmed her newspaper’s support of the project and urged all Park media to participate in the event.

“It is a wonderful opportunity for us to take a critical look at what we say and how we say it. We have supported the event from the get-go and we intend to do so in the future,” she said.

TMD managing editor schedules press conference Monday morning

By

Extra! Extra!BREAKING NEWS

The Mammalian Daily’s managing editor Orphea Haas has scheduled a press conference Monday morning to respond to the ongoing criticism of the paper’s policy of hiding the names of its reporters.

In a statement released at eleven o’clock this morning, Haas announced that on Monday morning at nine o’clock she would make a “full response” to the ongoing pressure regarding the matter.

In a separate incident, Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros took to Twitter this morning to begin his campaign of publishing the names of all known Mammalian Daily reporters. A spokesAnimal for Haas’s office said the Tavros tweet was not related in any way to her decision.

Tinamou blames TMD’s Haas for drop in Month Without Metaphor participants

By

MonthWMThree’s usually a charm, but it looks as if Park media’s third annual Month Without Metaphor could end up being anything but, unless more media outlets sign on to participate.

The drop in the number of committed participants is “alarming” says Alvin Tinamou, who is one of the organizers of the May event.

“At this time last year, we were going great guns, to use an apt metaphor,” the publisher of The Avian Messenger wrote today in an open letter in his own newspaper.

“Our objective in establishing the annual Month Without Metaphor was to encourage Park media to be introspective. Accepting the challenge of reporting for a month without using metaphors means having to take a very close look at the way we communicate with our readers and how honestly we tell our stories. What Haas has done is to change our focus. Instead of looking at ourselves, many in Park media are looking at The Mammalian Daily and asking why Haas feels justified in holding her paper to a different standard. I challenge Haas to name her journalists and to stop distracting her readers by using tactics such as a ban on Human jokes,” he wrote.

Noburu Akita, Executive Director of the Centre for the Study of Newspaper Activity in The Park (C-SNAP), says he agrees with Tinamou.

“Enough is enough,” he said in a radio interview this morning. “We’ve been calling for this for years and I think the time is right for Haas to make the change. We all [Park media] need to be open and transparent. To use a well-worn metaphor, we all need to be on the same page.”

Month Without Metaphor runs from May 1-May 31. Park media have until the end of April to sign on to participate.

Follow participants on Twitter at sansmetaphore.

First quarter results prove opening on Groundhog Day a profitable move

By

Groundhog Day specialsFirst quarter results indicate that the Park Finance Office (PFO) did the right thing when it listened to the business community this past Winter and allowed shops to stay open on Groundhog Eve and Groundhog Day.

“We are very grateful to the Park Finance Office and, in particular, to PFO head Valentina Abeja, for supporting our community so strongly,” said Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), in a statement released by the Association today.

According to Whistlepig, Park businesses reported average profits of more than double those of the same period last year.

“This should convince the Archons, the PFO, and Park citizens that a permanent change should be made to the law,” the statement says.

That assertion could signal the start of another major battle in The Park, as the issue of allowing shops to open on Groundhog Day and other holidays has been a contentious one. Those on both sides have argued passionately, but the Archons and the PFO have been reluctant to make any permanent move.

Such a move would require a change in the law, which could only be made after the receipt of submissions from business and the citizenry, followed by a full and open debate, says Delia Quagga, head of the Barnaby School of Government at the University of West Terrier. And that, she says, could take years.

“I think this informal arrangement might be more beneficial than an overhaul of the law,” she said at the time the announcement was made about this year’s opening.

Others in The Park agree.

“We need to look at all the factors responsible for the rise in profit before we make any changes to the law,” says Xavier Dingo, chief financial analyst at A. Corn and Partners. “Much more study needs to be done.”

Civet calls for freeze on development of all food-related technology

By

A.P. Civet

SCPCPGF president A.P. Civet called for a moratorium on food-related technology

In a bold move that is sure to spark controversy, the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF) has called for a moratorium on the development of all food-related technology.[pullquote]Peppi Orava spoke out of ignorance, and I’m here to say that ignorance will feed neither the stomach nor the spirit.—A.P. Civet, president, Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers[/pullquote]

Society president A.P. Civet took to the airwaves this morning to announce that his members had voted unanimously last night to make the call for a temporary halt to the development of food-related technology and food-finding apps in particular.

The hastily-arranged vote came in response to remarks made yesterday by Peppi Orava, president of SINCAP Technologies, the company that released the food-finding app Bulb Beacon last year.

As a guest on the Yannis Tavros radio show, Orava disputed the Society’s claims that her app encouraged Animals to abandon their natural ways of finding food.

“The SCPCPGF claims that our technologies are meant to displace the old ways. Quite the contrary. What we were aiming for—and what we’ve succeeded in doing—is allowing Animals to do what they do naturally, but without expending as much time and energy doing it,” she told Tavros.

Orava went on to say that she believed technology would enable Animals to become more efficient at finding food.

“But if we do discover a shortage of food, that is not the fault of the technology; it is the fault of the farming community. It is their job to provide for the needs of Park Animals.”

It was that last comment that so incensed Civet that he immediately arranged the SCPCPGF membership meeting that resulted in the call for a moratorium on food technology development.

Today, on the radio, Civet was unapologetic about his hasty response.

“We believe these technologies have a use, but they’ve been made available too soon. They set up expectations that can’t possibly be met by any food provider,” he said.

“There are so many factors that go into the cultivation, planting, and growing of foodstuffs. It’s as impossible to blame one group for shortages as it is to praise one group for bounty. Peppi Orava spoke out of ignorance, and I’m here to say that ignorance will feed neither the stomach nor the spirit.”

Mammalian Daily becomes first Park newspaper to ban Human jokes

By

BanDEVELOPING STORY

“A guy walks into a bar on two feet…”

So begins the most popular twenty-minute set at The Howler, The Park’s only comedy club.

The joke was written and is performed weekly by Dalmanik, who is widely considered to be the king of The Park’s “new comedy.” But as of today, Dalmanik will not be able to make that joke on the pages of The Mammalian Daily.

That’s because so-called “Human jokes” have now been officially banned by the newspaper.

In an “urgent memo” sent to all employees of The Mammalian Daily on Friday, managing editor Orphea Haas declared that poking fun at Humans, “our fellow Mammals,” is not appropriate in a modern Park.

“While it would be foolish of me to suggest that we in The Park have no issues with Humans, it would be equally foolish to suggest that making fun of them, denigrating and disparaging them, either in comedy, poetry, prose, or news coverage, is appropriate,” the memo says.

As a result, Haas has banned all of the above from The Mammalian Daily’s news pages, web site, radio, podcasts, and all other enterprises connected to Mammalian Daily Associated News Services.

This is the first time any kind of ban on joking or comedy has occurred in any Park media, according to Noburu Akita, Executive Director of the Centre for the Study of Newspaper Activity in The Park (C-SNAP).

“I don’t believe we’ve seen anything like it since the establishment of zoocracy,” he said in a radio interview this morning. “I thought zoocracy valued a free and open press. I think Haas is moving in a very dangerous direction by closing the paper rather than opening it up. What with refusing to name her journalists and this, she is taking a few steps backward and that is very disturbing.”

Not all media experts agree with Akita, though. Ludwiga Saimiri, UWT Professor of Journalism and former director of the Centre for the Incorporation and Integration of Interspecial Values in Journalism (CIIIVJ), issued a statement this morning in which she said she thought this was a positive move on Haas’s part.

“I support Orphea Haas in her determination to keep the news free of frivolous commentary and damaging and reprehensible jokes. Interspecial values demand that we attempt to understand and accommodate those who are different from ourselves. We have a duty to treat every Animal with respect,” the statement said.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

November 2025
M T W T F S S
 12
3456789
10111213141516
17181920212223
24252627282930