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Wilkommen, Bienvenue: A guide to welcoming back our hibernating friends

February 19, 2016 By Thaddeus S. Loris, TMD Health and Safety Reporter

WelcomeMy, time flies!

It seems like it was just yesterday that we saw our hibernating friends off for the Winter and tomorrow they’re scheduled to return to us!

We’ll be thrilled to see them again, but how many of us understand this aspect of their lives? Do we know how they will feel—physically, mentally, and emotionally—in the days after rising?

“Probably not,” says Dr. Gudrun L. Gibbon, a Park psychotherapist who is also on staff at The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic.

“I don’t think most of us even think about it. We just say, ‘Welcome back’ and expect them to resume their lives as they were. We don’t stop to think about the toll that hibernation takes on the body and mind or the length of time it takes to get up and running again,” she says.

For that reason, Gibbon decided to write what some are calling “the definitive guide” to welcoming back our hibernators.

The guide, which is available free of charge throughout The Park, was funded in part by The Department of Well-Being and Safety.

“They got on board right away. They thought it was high time we produced some educational tools on the subject. After all, a significant portion of our population hibernates or estivates. It has an impact on all of us, not just our personal relationships, but on our economy and our political life,” says Gibbon.

So, what should we know about our post-hibernating friends? Gibbon gave us a list of five things to remember when welcoming home post-hibernators:

  • Remember that they are not fully awake at first, even if they appear to be
  • Remember that hibernation is not rest, per se, and that they will be quite tired for a long period, post-hibernation. So, save the welcome parties for later in the Spring!
  • Don’t be insulted or alarmed if they don’t remember some important aspects of your life, or even their own. The deeper sleepers can experience significant memory loss, but this will improve with time
  • Give them some time to catch up on what they’ve missed. It’s difficult to take it in all at once
  • Don’t try to feed them too much at first. Their stomachs won’t be able to handle it

“I think it’s important for non-hibernators to understand the process,” says Gibbon. “And if you just understand these five things, you’ll be a fantastic friend to a hibernator.”

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime Tagged With: hibernation, post-hibernation, torpor

Directors’ Guild ousted me as prez due to my politics: Douglas Cheetah

February 5, 2016 By Aednat Eilifint, TMD Arts and Entertainment Reporter

Douglas Cheetah photo

Renowned director says his politics led to ousting by the Park Directors’ Guild

BREAKING NEWS

Renowned director Douglas Cheetah claims he was ousted as president of the Park Directors’ Guild (PDG) because of his vocal criticism of The Park’s political system and especially because of his opposition to the continuation of sortition as a method of selecting The Park’s governing body.

“My politics offended them [the PDG) and for that I am not sorry. But the issue is that political beliefs have nothing to do with my ability to serve effectively on behalf of The Park’s directors,” Cheetah told host Yannis Tavros of Toro Talk Radio yesterday.

The director, who is best known for his award-winning film Black Cats Can’t Jump and for a moving and insightful documentary about an interspecial family, became a spokesAnimal for The Park’s pro-election group, Coalition Against Sortition in The Park (CASP) last April.

“The only way that I can see to stop the ongoing erosion of the principles of zoocracy is to establish a system in which we choose our leaders directly,” he said at the time.

The Park Directors’ Guild has made no comment on the situation other than to announce that Varden I.W. Spaniel will replace Cheetah as president on the fifteenth of this month. Spaniel is best known for his film, Stuffed Dogs Don’t Shed, for which he received the Golden Cap, the Guild’s highest honour, in 2009.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, Politics/Law/Crime, The Arts, Entertainment, and Culture Tagged With: #directors, #entertainment, #filmmakers, #politics, sortition

Groundhog Day recap: great weather, massive turnout, POPS sees shadow

February 4, 2016 By Fiona Lupu, TMD Events Reporter

Six more weeksIt was a great celebration. We made history, and then some. Here are a few tidbits to recap the day:

– First things first: Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) saw her shadow and predicted six more weeks of Winter

– According to the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, who described the turnout as “massive,” this year’s official Groundhog Day event was the best attended in Park history. A record number of Animals, ranging in age from newborn Bears to some of our oldest reptile citizens, graced us with their presence

– Chief organizer Wyatt Whistlepig, Jr. was back at the celebrations, after sitting out last year due to the effects of premature awakening

– The Park’s food providers staffed the stations with innovative fare over the longest number of hours ever

– This was only the second Groundhog Day celebration that included a dance choreographed specifically for the event by Herman Stoat. This year’s dance was titled “Plea for Peas”

– For the first time in the history of any event, one of The Park’s peacekeeping units, the Does of Peace, performed a short dramatic piece

– The Archons’ Address lasted 21 minutes—the longest in history— and included a plea for interspecial harmony and thanks to the new PFO head, Valentina Abeja

– The 2016 Archons listed and promised to tackle “head-on” the issues that are dividing The Park: interspecial tensions, economic unrest, inequality among the species, violence, loss of faith in Animal self-rule

– The Park’s Early Risers hosted their own after-party and Animals partied into the late morning hours of February 3

– Twenty-one injuries were reported as a result of the celebrations. Seven Animals were taken to hospital, including one Bird who flew into the middle of the Herman Stoat Dance Company performance, and fourteen were treated on-site

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, Groundhog Day/POPS Election and Prediction, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime Tagged With: #CanadianSatire, #GroundhogDay, #Parody, #shadow, Park politics

Park shops get green light to stay open Groundhog Eve, Groundhog Day

January 30, 2016 By Bergrún Íkorna, TMD Business Reporter

Groundhog Day specialsBREAKING NEWS

In a stunning reversal of its longstanding policy, The Park Finance Office has given businesses the green light to remain open late on Groundhog Eve and into the early afternoon on Groundhog Day.

The news was announced simultaneously this morning by PFO head Valentina Abeja and by Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS).

In a separate announcement, Whistlepig praised Abeja for her willingness to listen and for her “forward thinking.”

“We are extremely pleased that the PFO has listened to our concerns and shifted its position on this issue. Groundhog Eve and Groundhog Day are not just a time for us to come together and celebrate. They hold enormous economic potential and we are grateful to the PFO’s forward thinking head for the opportunity to demonstrate that fact,” Whistlepig wrote.

In a radio interview this morning, Abeja said her decision to change the policy was based on practicality.

“In the past, we believed that if we allowed our shops to stay open, it would somehow take something away from the celebration of Groundhog Day. But after significant study of the issue, we came to the conclusion that that would not be the case,” she said.

Abeja also stressed the need for the PFO to view economic issues through the eyes of those on “the front lines of business.”

“It is our job to support Park business, not to stand in the way of opportunity.”

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, Groundhog Day/POPS Election and Prediction, Park Life Tagged With: #GroundhogDay, business, Park shops and services

Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations releases 2016 Groundhog Day Schedule

January 22, 2016 By Fiona Lupu, TMD Events Reporter

2016 Groundhog Day scheduleThe Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations has released the Official Schedule of the 2016 Groundhog Day Celebrations.

At a press conference held early this morning, Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for the department, announced plans for the “jam-packed” Groundhog Day celebration.

Those who attend the event annually will be pleased to find their favourites at this year’s festival, Kanariar said. But there will also be a stunning newcomer: between the much-anticipated Archons’ Address and the super-celebratory Groundhog Day Parade, the department has scheduled a dramatic presentation by the Does of Peace.

“We’re making history again with this one,” Kanariar said. “The is the first time that a group such as the Does of Peace has performed during the celebrations.”

She also confirmed that this year’s parade will have a larger contingent of floats.

“Not only will the parade be a fuller one, but some of the floats will be representative of charities and advocacy groups in The Park. They want you to know that although they work with the troubled and dispossessed every day, they also know how to celebrate,” she said.

One of the most important aspects of the Groundhog Day celebrations is the food and for the second year in a row, the department will extend the hours of the food stations. A full five hours have been added, which will take the entire festival into the evening.

“It’s part of our commitment to inclusiveness. It was very successful last year, because some Animals are up and about in the morning and others take a little longer to get going. And some take afternoon naps. We want all Park Animals to be able to enjoy what is one of the most important holidays on The Park’s calendar,” she said.

And, don’t forget: for the third year in a row, the events will be covered live by Mammalian Daily reporters here on Twitter.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, Groundhog Day/POPS Election and Prediction, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime, The Arts, Entertainment, and Culture Tagged With: #GroundhogDay, Archons' address, Groundhog Day celebrations, Park Official Prognostication of Spring, POPS

Scented TV update: Animals remain hospitalized as investigations continue

January 9, 2016 By Keelin Gabhar, TMD Health and Science Reporter

Vertebrate Vision TV

Vertebrate Vision TV’s investigation into viewer illness continues: spokesAnimal

Eighty per cent of Park Animals who were hospitalized after watching a scented television show on December 27 remain in hospital, according to a joint update issued by the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm and the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS),

The Animals were among those who arrived at the hospital roughly a half-hour into the show’s broadcast on Vertebrate Vision Television (VVTV). Their symptoms included dizziness, vomiting, gastrointestinal problems, and hair loss.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything like what happened here that night,” said Hermione Hippo, the Park Hospital’s head nurse, at a short press conference last week.

The holiday show was a joint project of VVTV, Chef Tab Tricolore, and gewper, The Park’s only scented social networking site. RhinoTech, Inc. and Enterprises Moufettes, S.A., the companies that supplied the show’s scent, now find themselves under investigation by the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS), while VVTV launched its own investigation on December 28. The findings of that investigation are expected to be made public sometime in March, a VVTV spokesAnimal told The Mammalian Daily.

Meanwhile, the sickly cohort is expected to remain at the hospital at least until the middle of the month, Hippo says.

“They’re just beginning to be able to walk without toppling over, and they’re taking small amounts of food. They’re moving in a positive direction, but very slowly,” she said.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, Health and Medicine, Media, Park Life Tagged With: Enterprises Moufettes, gewper, RhinoTech, scented television sickness

Zoocracy still unpopular with Animals outside The Park: book

January 7, 2016 By Sigrún Maur, TMD Political Affairs Reporter

In Spite (1)A new book authored by three distinguished professors at the University of West Terrier suggests that zoocracy is still a hard sell outside The Park.[pullquote]The main difficulty is persuading them that the hard work will pay off when even we, ourselves, are not sure of that. It is a slow process that takes several generations to come to fruition [and] a commitment that some Animals are simply not willing to make.—Dr. Luule Aednik[/pullquote]

The book, entitled, “In Spite of Ourselves: Animal Attitudes Toward Zoocracy Outside The Park,” has caused quite a stir here and has garnered both positive and negative reviews, as citizens and media attempt to digest the authors’ conclusions.

“I admit that it’s difficult to understand their [Animals outside The Park] perspective, but I don’t think that difficulty should negate the significance of our findings,” says Magnus P. Marmoset, who holds the UWT’s Simian Chair in Political Philosophy.

Those findings suggest that Animals who live outside The Park, and particularly those who live either in a domestic situation or in close contact with Humans, are reluctant to give up what they believe to be their “perks” for what they perceive to be a much more difficult life.

“In some cases, it is a misperception, while in other cases, we would have to agree that some Animals who live with Humans have a much easier life, at least in terms of food security and housing,” says Fionnula L. Fox, a UWT professor law who specializes in extra-hortulanial law (law that applies outside The Park).

Still, as psychology professor Luule Aednik points out, much of that so-called security is tenuous.

“When we look—just even at our immigration and refugee statistics here in The Park—we see that Animals who had thought they would be safe and well-cared for indefinitely have had to face abandonment and worse. That is how they’ve come to be Park citizens in the first place,” she says.

All three authors admit, however, that it is difficult to persuade Animals who believe they are living “the good life” to trade that in for total responsibility, not just for themselves, but for their fellow citizens.

“The main difficulty is persuading them that the hard work will pay off when even we, ourselves, are not sure of that. What we do know for certain is that it is a slow process that takes several generations to come to fruition. It’s a commitment that some Animals are simply not willing to make. In many cases, they simply are not willing to sacrifice short-term comfort for long-term gain,” Aednik says.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime Tagged With: animal self-rule, commitment, long-term gain, short term pain, zoocracy

Tricolore’s scented holiday television show causes ill effects in viewers

December 28, 2015 By Keelin Gabhar, TMD Health and Science Reporter

Tab and Hermione

Scented TV makes strange bedfellows: Chef Tab Tricolore and nurse Hermione Hippo tended to the sick at Park Hospital

DEVELOPING STORY

The Park’s first scented television show delivered more than it promised, according to the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm.

The hour-long show, which aired last night at 8:00 p.m. on Vertebrate Vision Television (VVTV), was billed by its producers as a “great experiment,” but none anticipated that the experiment would result in a rush to the emergency department.

A spokesAnimal for the Park Hospital said that at about 8:35, emergency room staff began to triage a “horde” of incoming patients, all of whom said they fell ill while watching the show.

“The symptoms were all the same: dizziness, vomiting, gastrointestinal problems…some had even lost tail or toe hairs. We had to assume it was caused by the show, even though we have no idea how that could happen,” the spokesAnimal said.

Hospital officials said they immediately contacted RhinoTech, Inc. and Enterprises Moufettes, S.A., creators of The Park’s only scented social networking site, gewper. It was gewper that supplied the scented aspect of the show, which it developed with Chef Tab Tricolore and VVTV.

The hospital spokesAnimal said they received a “terse reply” from both companies, saying it was impossible that the Animals had been sickened by the show. Vertebrate Vision Televison, however, issued a statement early this morning, expressing its “profound regrets” regarding any ill effects that viewers had suffered.

“We have launched an investigation into all possible causes of the illness and we will report our findings as soon as possible,” the statement said.

For his part, Chef Tricolore said he was “distraught” at the outcome of the broadcast and he rushed to the Park Hospital to offer any assistance he could.

“I have the utmost respect for my customers and my viewers,” he said. “My goal is to please, not to produce disease.”

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, Health and Medicine, Park Life Tagged With: gewper, illness, scented TV show

“All Our Lines Are Busy:” Park Museum to host fundraiser for its music gallery

December 26, 2015 By Aednat Eilifint, TMD Arts and Entertainment Reporter

All our lines are busy

“All Our Lines Are Busy.” Full staff represents the importance of music in Park life.

The Park Museum will host a fundraiser on February 29, 2016 in support of its as-yet-unopened music gallery.

In an announcement today, the museum’s Board of Governors invited all Park Animals to “a spectacular night of song, dance, food, and fun.” All proceeds, according to the announcement, will go toward the completion of the music gallery.

A spokesAnimal for the Board said the evening’s theme of “All Our Lines Are Busy” is meant to reflect the importance of The Park’s vibrant arts community and, in particular, its musical one.

“From the beginning, music has been a very important component of our life here,” said the spokesAnimal. “The Board of Governors, as well as many others, believe that music is fundamental to zoocratic life. Without a full [musical] staff, we would not be The Park that we are.”

The Board has requested that those attending respond at rsvp@parkmuseum.info.

The museum’s invitation may be read here.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, Park Life, The Arts, Entertainment, and Culture Tagged With: fundraiser, park museum

Winter Solstice celebrations extended

December 21, 2015 By Fiona Lupu, TMD Events Reporter

Winter SolsticeBREAKING NEWS

The hours for this year’s Celebration of the Winter Solstice have been extended.

In a short communiqué this morning, the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations announced that the festivities will officially end at 3:00 a.m. December 22. Food stations will remain open until 2:00 a.m. and entertainment will continue until 2:30 a.m.

“Due to the lateness of the solstice itself, which will occur tonight at 11:49 Park Time (4:49 Universal Time), we thought it best to extend the official hours of the celebration,” the communiqué said.

The department confirmed that all restaurants and vendors had agreed to the extension. In addition, Herman Stoat announced an encore performance by his dance company at half past midnight.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, Park Life, The Arts, Entertainment, and Culture Tagged With: Celebration of the Winter Solstice

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