The Mammalian Daily

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Enterprises Moufettes recalls FeralNoMore™ over safety concerns

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In an unprecedented move, The Park’s Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has ordered retailers to halt sales of a popular scent-masking agent.

Enterprises Moufettes, S.A., the manufacturer of FeralNoMore™ says it is recalling ten thousand cans of the spray after several Animals reported suffering ill effects from the product. The DWBS reported that two Animals were so overcome that they required short-term hospitalization.

The product, which the DWBS recommended last Spring in its Travel Advisory, is used by Animals to mask their origin and species, so that they may travel more freely outside The Park. In the recent past, FeralNoMore™ and other scent-masking agents have been credited with preventing a number of crimes against Park Animals, including kidnapping and enforced domestication.

According to a spokesAnimal for the DWBS, the most common conditions associated with FeralNoMore™ include pruritus (itching) and alopecia (hair loss). Both these effects are temporary, the spokesAnimal said, and Animals can be treated either in the physician’s office or at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm. Reports of memory and identity loss are unsubstantiated, the spokesAnimal said.

The spray product was a popular purchase at many shops in The Park, including the Reek-O-Rama and Footpad Heaven.

In a statement issued after the recall, Enterprises Moufettes said that it hopes to isolate the problem and return the product to market “as soon as possible.”

Evidence presented at Mongoose trial sparks criticism of Park weather practices

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From the Vault

Mounting criticism of current Park weather practices is threatening to overshadow important legal issues in what some describe as the “trial of the decade.”

Since the prosecution began presenting its evidence in the Mongoose “weather trial,” Park Archons report they have received an “overwhelming” number of complaints from citizens about the method by which The Park purchases its weather.

“[I would say] this will definitely put reform on the weather map,” said a spokesAnimal for The Park Weather Office.

It has not been the tradition for citizens to be involved actively in weather decisions, the spokesAnimal said. Those decisions have been made in the same manner since zoocracy was instituted and the public outcry “has caught the Archons off-guard,” he said.

Meanwhile, legal observers say they fear the groundswell of criticism could shift the focus of the trial and result in the Mongoose’s acquittal. “The issue at trial is whether or not the Mongoose acted in good faith with regard to the contract into which he entered,” Harry D.W.R. Lemur, the prosecuting attorney, said in an interview. “We are not here to debate the appropriateness of that contract.”

The Mongoose is charged with fraud, theft, misappropriation of funds, and intent to confound, in connection with weather purchases he made in 13 AZ. His trial continues.

This article originally appeared in Issue #112 of The Mammalian Daily.

New evidence emerges in Crab murder investigation

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Park police have confirmed the emergence of new evidence in the investigation into the brutal 2006 murder of the Tartan Crab.

At a news conference held at police headquarters, Chief Inspector Martin of the Murder Investigations Unit announced that recent findings had prompted Park Police to consult with external investigators. Results of that consultation are not yet known.

Although the Inspector did not say, specifically, what findings were responsible for the newest action on the part of the Police, he did confirm that foreign bodies or “hairs” had been found during the analysis of the Crab’s stuffing.

“Forensic tests have resulted in the identification of certain foreign bodies, known as ‘hairs’, that were attached to the Crab’s stuffing. We believe these hairs hold the key to the identity of the perpetrator and we are conducting further laboratory tests in order to determine that identity.”

The Inspector also confirmed that the two domestic Dogs who had been held for questioning in the matter had been released. No charges will be brought against them, he said. The Dogs could not be reached for comment.

When asked whether Park Police believed the perpetrator of the crime could be Human, the Inspector was careful to assure Park citizens that no such link had been found.

“The Park Police Dogs (PPD) have sniffed out a number of leads and they intend to follow up on them,” he said.

Two hours after the news conference, however, the Murder Investigations Unit issued this official statement:

“We do not believe that the murder of the Tartan Crab reflects any feelings of resentment by any species toward any other. Citizens of The Park live together in peace and harmony and are not currently engaged in any conflict, either among ourselves or with those who reside outside The Park.”

Sources close to the investigation, though, quietly acknowledge the possibility of a link between the Crab murder and certain anti-zoocratic forces that are known to operate outside The Park.

Earlier this week, a spokesAnimal for Park Police confirmed that the department had been working to infiltrate a number of groups whose members advocate overthrowing The Park’s government.

“These [members] do not represent the majority of their species or of any other. They are acting on their own beliefs and without [any evidence of ] the validity of those beliefs,” the spokesAnimal said.

She added that these groups are not believed to pose any real threat to The Park.

“We are taking every precaution to ensure the stability and longevity of zoocracy,” she said.

This article first appeared in Issue #113 of The Mammalian Daily.

The Wolves at our door

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Wolves editorialEDITORIAL

Two pieces of news came to our attention this week: the Archons intend to debate The Park’s open immigration policy and Humans have declared open season on the Wolves roaming lands outside the Park.

It is as easy to see the connection between the two as it is to see the likelihood of tragedy as a consequence of both.

Here, in The Park, our policy of open immigration has suffered some damage to its reputation, of late. The withering economy, population growth, food shortages – all these things, and more, have caused some Park Animals to call for a re-thinking of our policy. Why extend to strangers what we worked so hard for, their reasoning goes. Why not keep the good thing that we have to ourselves, and let others fend for themselves?

Why, indeed.

In these difficult times, it is insufficient to respond with the usual arguments: that more Animals from different places make for a richer Park, both culturally and economically, or that The Park has always been a refuge for the unwanted, the hunted, the wounded, the poverty-stricken, the starving, and the scared.

These arguments will not work on Animals who have turned away from The Park’s fundamental principles. We must invoke stronger arguments, lest the pressure on the Archons to enact changes become too much for them to bear.

Fellow citizens, we need only look outside The Park to see the consequences of exclusionary policies. The Human world is built of countries, cities, towns, and villages that would refuse us succour. Is this the model that we wish to emulate?

Hope, decency, concern for our fellow Animal – these are the qualities that separate us from Humans, the qualities that make us distinct. Why should we demean ourselves by hoarding instead of sharing, by shutting our doors, instead of welcoming newcomers, by limiting the numbers of those who might prosper here, unfettered and unafraid?

When the Wolves come knocking on our door this Winter, this is the question we must ask ourselves: Are we Mice or are we Men?

This editorial originally appeared in Issue #119 of The Mammalian Daily.

Prehistoric paintings discovered in northeastern cave

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Two Goat kids, Lila and Nardo, discovered the paintings in The Park’s northeastern cave

Four paintings that could be 20,000 years old have been discovered on the walls of the cave at the northeastern end of The Park, officials confirmed this month.

Archaeologists and zoologists at The Park’s Institute for the Study of Mammalian Life (ISML) characterized the paintings as a major discovery.

“We believe this find could confirm the autochthonous nature of Animal life in The Park,” said Catriona Cairn-Terrier, chief archaeologist at the Institute.

The four paintings, which depict a Goat, a Donkey, a Lioness, and a bucolic setting, are believed to predate The Park’s oldest cave paintings — the 12,000 year- old paintings in the Grewsome-Grumsack Grotto at the southwestern corner of The Park.

Staff members at the Institute were unable to confirm the existence of a fifth painting, reported to be that of a Dog sprawled out on a rug or mat.

Park officials have sealed off the entrance to the cave for the Winter season. In early Spring, members of the ISML team will conduct radiosputum dating tests, as well as other studies of the paintings.

The paintings were discovered in late September by two Goat kids, Lila and Nardo, aged 7 months, who were playing in the area.

“I butted them out of the house and told them to go and play,” said their mother, Nanette.

“After they came home, they kept bleating about these drawings they saw in the cave. I thought they meant the G-G [Grewsome-Grumsack] cave, so I didn’t think anything of it. But when they told me it was the other cave, I thought I should inform the authorities right away.”

According to ISML staff, the newly-found paintings are of particular interest because they appear to depict an earlier period of life in The Park.

As for the question of who might be responsible for the artwork itself, the Institute says that it cannot offer any definitive answers until it has undertaken further study.

“Some of the strokes appear to be the work of an Elephant, but we really have no idea what Animal might be responsible for these paintings,” said Cairn-Terrier.

This article first appeared in Issue #112 of The Mammalian Daily.

Single currency debate heats up in Park; public forum to be held in Autumn

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The Flamingo and the Ftoo

Will one currency fit all Animals?

BREAKING NEWS

When Theodora Manx goes shopping, she brings six different currencies along as her companions.

Since most Park establishments no longer accept Manx currency, she is forced to convert it, sometimes at very high rates, to the currencies of several other Animals.

“They don’t take Manx currency in The Park anymore,” she complains. “They say the coins have to have both heads and tails or they won’t accept them.”

Since she can’t use her own currency and she feels no particular loyalty to any other, the idea of a single, common currency in The Park appeals to the Manx.

“I think it would add a degree of fairness to prices in The Park,” she reasons.

The Manx may be correct. An informal survey conducted by this newspaper revealed that several shops in The Park appear to have “creative” ways of adjusting prices, depending on which currency is used.

“You definitely get a better price if you use the Ftoo,” says Aidan Zebra. “But that only works in your favour if you get paid in the Ftoo. Those of us who don’t [receive their pay in the Ftoo] pay a heavy price to convert it, just for the sake of making it easier on the shopkeepers.”

Still, there are others who oppose any currency amalgamation.

“It’s a matter of pride in your own species, I think,” says Rowena Goose. “It would be like giving up my identity.”

The Goose is the president of an anti-amalgamation group that says it will do everything in its power to prevent the institution of a common currency in The Park.

For their part, Park Finance Officers have assured resident Animals that all opinions will be taken into consideration after a Public Forum is held this Autumn.

“We want to make sure there is consensus before we move forward on this idea,” said a spokesanimal for the Finance Department.

Mongoose captured in Florida

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“His bags were filled with sunny days,” said the last Animal to see the Mongoose before he fled The Park.

The search for the whereabouts of Geraldo Mongoose and the weather he allegedly stole has ended in the Swamps of Florida.

Mongoose surrendered to authorities late last night, bringing to conclusion a hunt that has lasted for almost twelve years.

In accordance with the extradition treaties that have existed for 25 years between Swamps and Parks, authorities in the Everglades finalized transportation arrangements early this morning in order to facilitate the speedy return of Mongoose to The Park. Indictment is expected to take place this afternoon on charges of fraud, theft, misappropriation of funds, and intent to confound.

All charges date back to the Autumn of 1991, when Mongoose entered into a contract with Park Finance Officers to purchase weather for the summer of 1992. That Spring, however, it was reported that he had abandoned his residence and fled The Park. When the sun failed to shine for 32 days in a row, Park Officials became supicious that Mongoose had absconded with the weather. Those suspicions were fuelled by reports from a Donkey, the last Animal to see Mongoose.

“His bags were filled with sunny days. He probably thought he could get a better price for them down south,” he said.

Flying Mammal Captures Top Prize in Toe-Hair Contest

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Rufus di RafineschiRufus di Rafineschi flew away with first prize at The Park’s eleventh annual Toe-Hair contest, held this Spring at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre.

All five judges awarded the Bat first place and offered high praise for his toe-hairs, which they said, “extended noticeably beyond the tips of his toes.”

Di Rafineschi, who with this victory becomes a member of an exclusive group of Animals in The Park, is the first big-eared Bat in the contest’s history to win the prestigious award.

“I’m thrilled and humbled,” di Rafineschi said at a press conference following the judges’ decision. “It makes me feel that I really belong inThe Park.”

The Bat, a native of Kentucky, first roosted in The Park three years ago.

Finding the atmosphere “quite welcoming,” he decided to become a permanent resident a year ago.

Second and third prizes at the contest were awarded to Samuel P. Gecko and to Buckley, a Bearded Collie.

This article first appeared in Issue #111 of The Mammalian Daily

Guard Dogs, Park fail to reach agreement; union set to stage bark-to-rule

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In what may prove to be the biggest test of loyalty The Park has ever faced, hundreds of Guard Dogs have been given the go-ahead by their union to stage a Bark-to-Rule action. That action could take effect as early as midnight tonight.

The Canines, who are members of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW), were told of the decision early this morning, after union negotiators walked away from the table, having failed to reach an agreement with Park administration. The force of over 200 forms the backbone of The Park’s security system and has been working without a contract for six months.

A spokesanimal for The Park said she was “deeply disappointed” that the union had not seen the negotiations through to a conclusion.

“This could affect our reputation in the wider world,” she said.

The Federation, for its part, roundly criticized the Park’s chief negotiator, Pia Hyena, for her decision to bring the issue of loyalty to the bargaining table. The FCSW, in turn, has filed a grievance with the Park’s Animal Rights Commission, alleging that the introduction of a personality trait to employment negotiations constitutes a violation of the rights of all Animals.

“This is the first time that the issue of loyalty has been put on the bargaining table. We all agree that it’s inappropriate,” said FCSW spokesanimal, Gareth Shepherd.

One particularly contentious issue in the contract dispute is the Guard Dogs’ claim that they need to hold second jobs in order to make ends meet.

“Too many of us have been living foot to mouth for far too long,” said Shepherd.

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