Will one currency fit all Animals?
BREAKING NEWS
When Theodora Manx goes shopping, she brings six different currencies along as her companions.
Since most Park establishments no longer accept Manx currency, she is forced to convert it, sometimes at very high rates, to the currencies of several other Animals.
“They don’t take Manx currency in The Park anymore,” she complains. “They say the coins have to have both heads and tails or they won’t accept them.”
Since she can’t use her own currency and she feels no particular loyalty to any other, the idea of a single, common currency in The Park appeals to the Manx.
“I think it would add a degree of fairness to prices in The Park,” she reasons.
The Manx may be correct. An informal survey conducted by this newspaper revealed that several shops in The Park appear to have “creative” ways of adjusting prices, depending on which currency is used.
“You definitely get a better price if you use the Ftoo,” says Aidan Zebra. “But that only works in your favour if you get paid in the Ftoo. Those of us who don’t [receive their pay in the Ftoo] pay a heavy price to convert it, just for the sake of making it easier on the shopkeepers.”
Still, there are others who oppose any currency amalgamation.
“It’s a matter of pride in your own species, I think,” says Rowena Goose. “It would be like giving up my identity.”
The Goose is the president of an anti-amalgamation group that says it will do everything in its power to prevent the institution of a common currency in The Park.
For their part, Park Finance Officers have assured resident Animals that all opinions will be taken into consideration after a Public Forum is held this Autumn.
“We want to make sure there is consensus before we move forward on this idea,” said a spokesanimal for the Finance Department.
Mongoose captured in Florida
“His bags were filled with sunny days,” said the last Animal to see the Mongoose before he fled The Park.
The search for the whereabouts of Geraldo Mongoose and the weather he allegedly stole has ended in the Swamps of Florida.
Mongoose surrendered to authorities late last night, bringing to conclusion a hunt that has lasted for almost twelve years.
In accordance with the extradition treaties that have existed for 25 years between Swamps and Parks, authorities in the Everglades finalized transportation arrangements early this morning in order to facilitate the speedy return of Mongoose to The Park. Indictment is expected to take place this afternoon on charges of fraud, theft, misappropriation of funds, and intent to confound.
All charges date back to the Autumn of 1991, when Mongoose entered into a contract with Park Finance Officers to purchase weather for the summer of 1992. That Spring, however, it was reported that he had abandoned his residence and fled The Park. When the sun failed to shine for 32 days in a row, Park Officials became supicious that Mongoose had absconded with the weather. Those suspicions were fuelled by reports from a Donkey, the last Animal to see Mongoose.
“His bags were filled with sunny days. He probably thought he could get a better price for them down south,” he said.
Flying Mammal Captures Top Prize in Toe-Hair Contest
Rufus di Rafineschi flew away with first prize at The Park’s eleventh annual Toe-Hair contest, held this Spring at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre.
All five judges awarded the Bat first place and offered high praise for his toe-hairs, which they said, “extended noticeably beyond the tips of his toes.”
Di Rafineschi, who with this victory becomes a member of an exclusive group of Animals in The Park, is the first big-eared Bat in the contest’s history to win the prestigious award.
“I’m thrilled and humbled,” di Rafineschi said at a press conference following the judges’ decision. “It makes me feel that I really belong inThe Park.”
The Bat, a native of Kentucky, first roosted in The Park three years ago.
Finding the atmosphere “quite welcoming,” he decided to become a permanent resident a year ago.
Second and third prizes at the contest were awarded to Samuel P. Gecko and to Buckley, a Bearded Collie.
This article first appeared in Issue #111 of The Mammalian Daily
Guard Dogs, Park fail to reach agreement; union set to stage bark-to-rule
In what may prove to be the biggest test of loyalty The Park has ever faced, hundreds of Guard Dogs have been given the go-ahead by their union to stage a Bark-to-Rule action. That action could take effect as early as midnight tonight.
The Canines, who are members of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW), were told of the decision early this morning, after union negotiators walked away from the table, having failed to reach an agreement with Park administration. The force of over 200 forms the backbone of The Park’s security system and has been working without a contract for six months.
A spokesanimal for The Park said she was “deeply disappointed” that the union had not seen the negotiations through to a conclusion.
“This could affect our reputation in the wider world,” she said.
The Federation, for its part, roundly criticized the Park’s chief negotiator, Pia Hyena, for her decision to bring the issue of loyalty to the bargaining table. The FCSW, in turn, has filed a grievance with the Park’s Animal Rights Commission, alleging that the introduction of a personality trait to employment negotiations constitutes a violation of the rights of all Animals.
“This is the first time that the issue of loyalty has been put on the bargaining table. We all agree that it’s inappropriate,” said FCSW spokesanimal, Gareth Shepherd.
One particularly contentious issue in the contract dispute is the Guard Dogs’ claim that they need to hold second jobs in order to make ends meet.
“Too many of us have been living foot to mouth for far too long,” said Shepherd.
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