The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

No-biting rule suspended for police at Saturday’s Return of the Nut: gossip site

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DEVELOPING STORY

The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has agreed to suspend the longstanding no-biting rule for Park Police who are on duty at Sunday’s Return of the Nut ceremonies, according to the gossip site headsNtales.

In a post dated this afternoon, the site’s co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo says a source told her the decision was made in consultation with the Archons and the Park Police Force.

The source cited “the recent outbreak of violence at the celebration of the birth of The Park’s first leader, in combination with a generally volatile environment” as the reasons for the change in the longstanding policy that forbids police officers from biting alleged offenders.

According to the site, it was the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW) that requested the change in policy which, it says, will be in effect from ten in the morning on Sunday, February 21 until two in the morning on Monday, February 22.

No comment has been made thus far by the DWBS or by the FCSW regarding the matter. A Mammalian Daily request for more  information from the Office of the Archons remained unanswered at the time of this article’s publication.

Photos of Park Animals in hibernation “very disturbing,” say police, DWBS

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Animal in hibernation

The Mammalian Daily has published this photo with the permission of Park Police

DEVELOPING STORY

The emergence of a cache of photos that show Park Animals in various stages of hibernation is “very disturbing,” say Park Police and the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS).

The photos, which likely were taken by cameras installed secretly—and illegally— in hibernators’ burrows, were posted last night on the gossip web site headsNtales.

PotWatcher, The Park’s foremost web-watching organization says the pictures appeared “without fanfare and without any mention of their provenance or their authenticity.”

“They appeared serially, about one every half-hour,” says Rufus Gordon Gaupe, President and CEO of PotWatcher.

Not surprisingly, the photos have gone viral despite a police order that headsNtales remove them from the site.

Cornelius Kakapo, DWBS Director of Public Relations, confirmed the department was notified after Gaupe reported the postings to police.

“To me, it’s not just a breach of privacy; it’s a breach of trust and a threat to interspecial harmony,” Gaupe told The Mammalian Daily.

Park police agree with Gaupe and are initiated a “full investigation” that includes staff from the Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) and the Interspecial Investigations Unit. They have also set up a special hotline and are appealing to all Animals who think they might have seen anything related to the crimes or who know any Animal who might be involved.

“We want to talk to any Animal who has any ideas about this,” says SHCU Chief Inspector Maurice Addax.

The Park Police Hotline number is: 226-887-4277.

TMD Exclusive: Stinktier throws his hat in the ring for 2016 Keeper of the Nut

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Faramund Stinktier

Faramund Stinktier’s name appears on the short list for 2016 Keeper of the Nut

TMD EXCLUSIVE
Two sources have confirmed to The Mammalian Daily that Faramund Stinktier, one half of the SCENTient Beings duo, is among those being considered for the position of 2016 Keeper of the Nut.

One source who wishes not to be named in this article told The Mammalian Daily that Stinktier’s name appears on the short list for the position.

“His name was put forward by another Animal of the same species,” the source told The Mammalian Daily. The same information was posted on the gossip web site headsNtales and confirmed this morning in an email sent to The Mammalian Daily by the site’s co-founder, Hortencia Guacamayo.

Stinktier, a brilliant composer and performer who is considered to be the inventor of the wildly popular “Reekabilly” style of music, received a lot of press in September after he admitted to radio talk show host Yannis Tavros that he believed that he was meant to be a Zebra instead of a Skunk. Since then, he has been both praised and criticized, but he has refused to retire from public view. Those who know him say they’re not surprised that he’s allowed his name to stand for Keeper of the Nut rather than requesting it be removed.

“Faramund isn’t in hiding, even if some would prefer him to be. He wants to live his life just as he did before, except he wants to live it now as a Zebra,” said a longtime friend.

The position, which is now largely symbolic, represents trust among the species. The Keeper of the Nut is chosen annually on November 11, by ballots cast by members of the Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC). The Surrender of the Nut to the Keeper of the Nut takes place each year on November 14.

Click here for more information on the Keeper of the Nut.

TMD managing editor may bow to pressure on bylines: rumour

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Extra! Extra!

Something extra may be on its way: the names of Mammalian Daily journalists

Mammalian Daily managing editor Orphea Haas may be about to bow to pressure from rival Park media outlets to publish journalists’ names above their news reports.[pullquote]Zoocracy and its attendant openness require it.—Ludwiga Saimiri, UWT Professor Journalism and former director of the Centre for the Incorporation and Integration of Interspecial Values in Journalism (CIIIVJ) [/pullquote]

According to a post on the gossip web site headsNtales, Haas has received counsel on the matter from a number of sources, including Nathan DiPressa, Executive Director of the Association of Non-Mammalian Park Newspapers (ANMPN).

In a Friday post, one of the web site’s “reporters” claims to have seen DiPressa leaving TMD headquarters late last Tuesday. DiPressa’s office refused to confirm the meeting, but an anonymous source at The Canary Courier said it was the third time in the last two weeks that DiPressa had been seen exiting the building.

For decades now, the newspaper has successfully defended its longstanding policy of keeping journalists’ names—and more importantly, their species—out of the paper. But that policy has gotten increasing attention in the last few years, with other media organizations demanding the same amount of transparency from The Mammalian Daily that they themselves are obliged to offer their audience.

At a print media conference held in August at the University of West Terrier’s Cuthbert School of Journalism, the number one issue for attendees was transparency.

“The era of anonymous reporting is over. If you are hiding your journalists’ identities, you are hiding their biases, and you are not being forthright with your readers,” DiPressa said at the time.

Even some who supported the policy in the past appear to have changed course with the passage of time.

UWT Professor Ludwiga Saimiri, who had praised The Mammalian Daily’s policy as recently as last year, appears to have had a change of heart.

As a guest on the Yannis Tavros show last week, the distinguished scholar and former director of the Centre for the Incorporation and Integration of Interspecial Values in Journalism (CIIIVJ) said the time had come for TMD to embrace transparency.

“Zoocracy and its attendant openness require it and I no longer see any harm in knowing the species of those who bring us the news,” she said. “The Mammalian Daily may be coming late to the party, but it’s one I believe they should make an effort to attend.”

Noreen in talks with TMD to curate new section of newspaper: gossip site

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headsNtalesAccording to the gossip site headsNtales, Noreen is presently in negotiations with The Mammalian Daily to expand her rôle with the paper beyond that of dispensing advice.

In a post dated yesterday, the site claims that the advice columnist, best-selling author, and adjunct professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier has pitched the idea of creating and curating a new section of the newspaper called, “The Righteous Among the Humans.” The new section would shine a light on Humans who have done good works for Animals.

“Let’s face it; it would be a natural fit for Noreen,” says headsNtales co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo.

“Given that she’s spent her whole life studying Humans, both informally and formally… and add to that her newspaper and academic credentials…who better to do this sort of work than Noreen? I think it’s a brilliant idea and only Noreen could have thought it up!” she says.

Although no formal announcement has been made by the newspaper, Mammalian Daily managing editor Orphea Haas has been known as a champion of Noreen ever since she brought her to the paper over fifteen years ago.

“Haas encouraged Noreen from the get-go and she’s blossomed into a very powerful force in The Park. I can’t imagine her denying Noreen’s request. This new rôle will be good for her [Noreen] and for all of us,” Guacamayo says.

Barkettes announce collaboration with Noreen on new song called “Yield!”

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YIELD

The Barkettes’ will base their new song “Yield!” on Noreen’s 2015 UWT commencement address

BREAKING NEWS
Less than a week before the final Park performance of their “Bring Your Own Bone” tour, Thisbe and the Barkettes have thrown us a bone of our own: the announcement that they plan to collaborate with Noreen on a song based on her 2015 University of West Terrier commencement address.

In a press release issued this morning, The Park’s most beloved singing group confirmed that they have entered into an agreement with the Mammalian Daily advice columnist and UWT adjunct professor of Human Studies for the creation and production of a new song called, “Yield!”

“Every bit of Noreen’s speech was so moving and showed so much wisdom,” the group writes in the release, “but the part called ‘Yield’ touched us like no other. It echoes what we–individually and as a group–have believed in and stood for all these years. It cried out for recognition and we felt we could not refuse it.”

The press release did not offer any time frame for the creation or production of the song but, according to the gossip site headsNtales, the group has booked a recording studio in The Park for the last two weeks of November.

Archons’ office hires full-time consultant to build legacy: rumour

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headsNtales

Gossip site headsNtales says the Archons have hired an image consultant

Only halfway through their term but with their eyes on the future, the 2015 Archons appear to have engaged the services of a full-time legacy consultant.

The Park’s “most-watched gossip web site,” headsNtales, is reporting that an agent representing the Office of the Archons had a series of meetings in June with the Maidali Margay Consulting Group. These meetings, according to the web site, resulted in the signing of a comprehensive contract for services to represent the 2015 Archons and “all Archons in perpetuity.”

In a preamble to the post, the site’s co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo writes, “We are going on the record with this and the reason is that, in our opinion, this is a despicable move on the part of the Archons and we believe that all Park Animals should know about it and protest the use of funds for such a purpose. The way to be commended for your work is to do a good job, not to hire a company to say that you have done a good job.”

The Maidali Margay Group assists individuals and companies in rehabilitating their image and making themselves more palatable to a disenchanted public. The company is perhaps best known for working with beleaguered radio talk show host Yannis Tavros after he insulted Hieronymous Hedgehog and his uncle, the late Archon Hamlin Jarvis Lambert Hedgehog. Following Tavros’s suspension from Toro Talk Radio, a consultant from the group engineered his comeback by rallying his supporters and arranging his “snout to snout” on-air summit with Hieronymous. The group’s other clients have included deposed Park Finance Officer Milton Struts, the Monotreme Savings Bank (MSB), and Fannia di Volo, editor-in-chief of the Insect Intelligencer (subsequently renamed the Serangga Star Adviser).

Gossip site: SplotchWatch site shut down, owner arrested this morning

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headsNtalesThe controversial web site SplotchWatch has been shut down and its owner arrested, according to the gossip site headsNtales.

In a 10.00 a.m. posting, the gossip site said it had confirmation from The Park Police Force’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) that Raimundo Zorro, the site’s owner, was being held in custody until a court date was set.

The Mammalian Daily reported in December that Zorro’s site had been under police surveillance for almost six months. At the time, Park Police were not releasing the name of the site’s owner.

“Its only purpose, as far as we can tell, is to name Animals who have had their spots or stripes removed,” the SHCU’s Chief Inspector Maurice Addax said at the time.

Zorro, a disgruntled former journalist, writes on his web site that he believes it is in the interest of  “openness and honesty” to let Park Animals know who among them has altered their appearance.

The Park’s grooming house community publicly took issue with that belief, but police said they had no intention of acting against Zorro unless the site explicitly encouraged hatred or violence toward any Animal or group of Animals.

Numerous reports and studies have indicated that striped and spotted Animals do not receive equal treatment in The Park. In the Autumn newsletter of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), the major grooming houses reported that stripe removal was their most sought-after service. Calling it a “disturbing trend,” they said the number of completed procedures had increased 190% in the past two years.

Gossip site: “We have official special invitee list from Park Museum opening.”

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headsNtalesThe gossip site headsNtales claims to have in its possession the names of all the Animals who were specially invited to Saturday’s opening of The Park Museum.

In a post dated today, the site’s co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo says that headsNtales will be publishing the full list on the site later this week.

“It’s our right to know which Animals the Board of Governors felt were special enough to invite to their exclusive opening,” Guacamayo says. “Their slogan says that it’s our museum, but on Saturday it was a little bit more their museum than ours.”

Barkettes’ songs to be translated into different Animal languages

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halcyondaysThisbe and the Barkettes have embarked on a new project: the translation of some of their biggest hits into a number of different Animal languages.

In a statement released yesterday by their manager Hilde Blaft, the group explained their reasons for making the historic decision:

“After much reflection and in the service of interspecial harmony, Thisbe and the Barkettes have decided to release some of our most beloved songs in a number of different Animal languages.

Recent events in The Park have highlighted tensions that have grown among the different species that live in The Park. We feel that, as much as possible, we all need to bridge those gaps that have developed. To this end, we have engaged the services of several renowned translators to enable members of other species to enjoy our music. We sincerely hope that other musicians and artists will follow suit and allow us all to enjoy the wonderful creativity of Park Animals.”

The group did not give any specific date for the release of the music, nor the names of the songs that will be translated. But the gossip site headsNtales reported last week that the group has talked to a number of Feline and Avian translators and had signed a contract with RODOlphin Translation, the firm that works closely with the University of West Terrier.

headsNtales also reported that the Barkettes intended to donate a percentage of the proceeds from the sales of the translated works to a charity. The gossip site did not name the charity.

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