The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Yannis Tavros grabs the spotlight by announcing his candidacy for POPS

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tavros-poster-sans-wallOn a day when many thought it would be Millicent Hayberry who would be announcing her candidacy for 2017 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), it was, instead, radio talk show host Yannis Tavros who bulldozed his way into the headlines by announcing that he will stand for the position in November.

At what he called a “press rally” outside the law courts this morning, Tavros handed out postcards, flyers, and brochures before making his official announcement.

“As many of you know, I have taken a leave of absence from my job as talk show host at Toro Talk Radio. The reason for that is simple: I have just added my name to the list of contenders for the position of 2017 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring,” he said.

The crowd that had gathered behind members of the press cheered him on, as he promised to make “the most accurate and the best prediction ever” come Groundhog Day.

“I am the most qualified, most astute Animal of all those who are running for this position. And I’m also the most sensitive to the weather, so there is no doubt in my mind that my prediction will not only be accurate, but it will be the best prediction ever made in the history of Groundhog Day predictions,” he said.

Stan the Spitman speaks out about the use and misuse of his product at PIFF

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Park Interspecial Film FestivalLess than a week after the end of the Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF), Stan the Spitman is speaking out about the unlawful use of his product at PIFF events.

In an op-ed piece published today in The Burro Beacon, Estanislao “Stan” Gonzalo de Llama condemned in no uncertain terms what some Animals did with his product at the film festival. And he let it be known that he intends to put a stop to it.

“I am proud of what I make and I don’t make it to be used to attack others, particularly others whose species or politics differ from my own,” he wrote in the newspaper.

The second generation SpitMeister (master of the art of spitmaking) was referring to the repeated use of spitballs at the screening of WINK, which opened the festival on October 1. Police charged twenty-one Animals with crimes of a specist nature after they threw spitballs at the director and other attendees as they entered the Park Cinema.

Although Stan has never condoned that sort of behaviour, he expressed a different view about it in Searching for the Spitman: A Journey Through Foam, Froth, and Fun, a film about his life that premiered at PIFF 2015.

In that film, he estimated that ninety per cent of his products go toward humiliating other Animals.

“It’s a fact of life in the profession,” he said. “But it doesn’t keep me up at night.”

In today’s o-ed piece, however, he said he’d changed his mind after witnessing events at this year’s festival.

“I can’t stand by and watch Animals use my product that way anymore,” he wrote. “It needs to stop.”

Hibernators see red over Tavros tweets

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YannisTavros The Park’s hibernators are seeing red after Yannis Tavros took to Twitter yesterday to denigrate hibernators and estivators.

Once again, the Toro Talk Radio host expressed his view that hibernators and estivators are not as intelligent as other Animals:

Tavros tweet

The tweet set off a firestorm, with individuals and groups weighing in immediately. Some called for an apology, while others made it clear that apologies would not longer suffice.

“This has gone beyond the stage where apologies are meaningful. Toro Talk Radio has to take control of Yannis Tavros or silence him once and for all,” said Malinda L. Hamster, president of The Park’s Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC), on Mammalian Daily Radio yesterday. She also confirmed that the SAHC, which annually elects the Keeper of the Nut, intends to apply to the courts for a cease and desist order and, as well, will launch a class action suit against Tavros and his radio station for defamation.

“This has happened once too often. Other Animals are going to start to believe what he is saying, and then where do we go from there?” she asked.

As Hamster said, this is not the first time that Tavros has said less than flattering things about hibernating Animals. In a famous 2013 on-air tirade, Tavros called Hieronymous Hedgehog, “part of a family that isn’t even smart enough to know when to come out of hibernation.” The reference was to Hedgehog’s uncle Hamlin, who served as Archon in 2000 and died of premature awakening from hibernation in 2008. The remarks led to Tavros’s suspension and an on-air meeting with Hieronymous during which the two made peace.

Avian Messenger’s Tinamou takes leave of absence for “personal reasons”

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A month after Alvin Tinamou’s empty nest was discovered outside The Park, The Avian Messenger has confirmed that he has decided to take an “extended leave of absence” from his rôle as publisher of The Park’s most trusted Avian newspaper.

Avian Messenger front page

In a statement that was part announcement, part biography, and part tribute, the newspaper’s managing editor Fiorentina D’Aquila wrote that it was “with deep sadness and profound regret” that the paper made the announcement.

Writing eloquently and with obvious sympathy for Tinamou, D’Aquila called her publisher “beloved by staff and readers alike” and quoted colleagues who attested to his commitment to journalistic integrity and to The Park’s Avian community.

“Most of what I’ve learned has come from my working for and with Alvin Tinamou. My interactions with him never failed to teach me something or to broaden my view. I will be forever grateful to him and I wish him only the best at this most challenging time in his life,” D’Aquila quoted Editor-in-Chief Donatella Falcon as saying. Falcon will replace Tinamou for the duration of his leave.

Though Tinamou was not quoted in the piece, it was confirmed that he cited “personal reasons” for his decision. Those personal reasons no doubt arose from the theft of his nest in June and its subsequent discovery—minus the eggs—last month.

Tinamou has remained silent about the tragedy, but those close to him say it has taken a great toll on him and his mate Adela.

“Alvin has suffered terribly from this loss. He needs some time to rest, to be with Adela, and to process what has happened. They have both been in shock for months,” his cousin Augustus told The Mammalian Daily.

Whoa! BRAKING News: What’s in our new section will stop you in your tracks

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Braking News

Searching for news that will stop you in your tracks? Just look for this symbol.

INTRODUCING…BRAKING News

At The Mammalian Daily, we’re always looking for ways to improve our readers’ experience. We want to make it easier and faster for you stay informed, particularly about issues that affect you directly. And we want to bring these items to your attention as soon as we can.

So, we’ve created a new section on our web site, which we’re calling Whoa! BRAKING News. Starting next week, you’ll be able to go straight to it to find the information that is most important to you. Whether it’s about safety, security, health, or economic issues, you’ll be able to find it in Whoa! BRAKING News.

But we’re not stopping at our web site. We know our readers lead busy lives and they may not be on our site all the time. So, on our Facebook page and on our  Twitter feed, all items that fall into the category of BRAKING News will be marked by a miniature version of the symbol above. When you see that symbol, you’ll know that we consider the information in the attached article to be important to you.

We’re confident that you’ll find our new section a great asset but, of course, it’s still a work-in-progress. If you have your own ideas about what might constitute a BRAKING News story, feel free to get in touch and let us know. In the meantime, we look forward to providing you with news that will stop you in your tracks.

It’s June! Here’s what happened in The Park during May’s days

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RecapCornelio Lontra wins big at yesterday’s Toe-Hair Contest

Park Museum’s Flyball exhibition to open at noon on Sunday May 8

Mating Dance selfies posted on web by Humans: DWBS

Fowl Ball fully hatched: organizer touts mature event for 2016

Squeakeasy Tuesdays: Is it poetry or is it polemic?

Stand-alone education advocates use buttons to kick off new campaign

Farmers threaten to boycott Friday’s Agrarian Jubilee over food-finding apps

Eggie and The Pigs, Weather Makers, pull out of Anixi Agrarian Jubilee

Beasts of Burden surprise farmers, tech companies with offer of pub for meeting

Park Museum confirms basketball theft

Month Without Metaphor organizer: “We’re losing ground, minute by minute.”

Just For a Lark: Groomer offers non-Avians feathery makeovers for Fowl Ball

Memes of Production seize the Jubilee—and the day

Tabby Club accused of discrimination

University of West Terrier announces Commencement Day speaker

Month Without Metaphor organizer: “We’re losing ground, minute by minute.”

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MonthWMThe chief organizer of the third annual Month Without Metaphor says we’re losing ground in the fight against the unncessary embellishment of the news.

“Plain speaking is disappearing and not bit by bit, but minute by minute,” says Alvin Tinamou, publisher of The Avian Messenger and one of the initiative’s founders.

In an interview with The Mammalian Daily, Tinamou quoted statistics that he says indicate the market for what he calls “the plain, unembellished truth” has diminished substantially over the past five years.

“Journalism has given way to storytelling and it’s a slippery slope from there,” he opined. “We’re no longer reporting on an event or situation; we’re taking readers on a journey for their entertainment rather adding to their knowledge or understanding,” he said.

Tinamou contends that the problem started innocently enough, when journalists were told to broaden their reports from “just the facts” to historical, sociological, and psychological context.

“It started with context and the idea that those who work in the media could bring readers and listeners a better understanding of what was going on in The Park and in the world outside The Park,” he said. “But, somehow, that devolved into embellishment and fictionalizing,”

Tinamou said metaphors are just one aspect of the problem, but they were something that he felt could be easily targeted.

“I thought we’d start with reducing metaphors and move on from there. But we seem to be stuck in this style of writing. I don’t think new journalists know any other way,” he said.

Month Without Metaphor’s Mid-Term Report: no gold stars this year

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MonthWMThe mid-month statistics are in for Park media’s third annual Month Without Metaphor (MWM) and organizers say they won’t be giving out any gold stars this year unless things change significantly in the coming weeks.

“I’m surprised by these statistics. I thought we’d gotten our message across, but there’s a significant degree of slippage that’s occurred and I find it distressing,” organizer Alvin Tinamou said minutes after the report was released.

While the numbers are still slightly better than they were in MWM’s first year, they are “startlingly high,” Tinamou says.

“At this time last year, we were pleased with the results, but I take no pleasure in informing you that, on the whole, Park media has been embellishing its coverage of news more than we feel is warranted,” he said.

He did, however, praise a few publications for bringing in lower numbers. Those publications were The Avian Messenger (Tinamou’s own newspaper), The Halibut Herald, The Burro Beacon and Reptile Radio.

“And as usual,” Tinamou said, “The Marsupial Messenger has kept their metaphors to a bare minimum.”

Here are Month Without Metaphor’s mid-month results in full:

[table]
Publication,          Number of Infractions,
Toro Talk Radio,                                278
CLucK Radio,                                225
Chitter Radio,                                183
The Dingo Boomerang,                                 107
Marine Mammal Radio,                                 112
The Mollusk Messenger,                                 82
The Salamander Evening Post,                                94
Reptile Radio,                                66
The Silvestris Star,                                87
headsNtales,                                102
The Burro Beacon,                                 56
The Noodlefish News,                                 88
The Canary Courier,                                 78
bRaydio 4,                                89
The Halibut Herald,                                 65
Maple Tree Television,                                76
The Eagle Star,                                 70
The Equine Echo,                                 69
The Rodent Commoner,                                68
The Robin Reporter,                                 72
The Galliforme Gazette,                                 76
The Kaluga Register,                                 65
The Cosmopolitan Pest,                                 65
The Bluebird Free Press,                                 59
Vertebrate Vision,                                58
The Insect Intelligencer,                                66
The Panther Post,                                 86
The Polar Bear Post,                                 66
The Avian Messenger,                                 48
PRANCE Magazine,                                 57
The Blackbird Informer,                                 79
The Ornis Interpreter,                                 47
The Mammalian Daily,                                 55
LAULAA Magazine,                                39
The Raccoon Reporter,                                 40
The Simian Spectator,                                 50
The Marsupial Messenger,                                 29

[/table]

Tinamou disputes rumour he paid media to join Month Without Metaphor

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MonthWMAlvin Tinamou took to the airwaves this morning to dispute a claim that he paid some of The Park’s media outlets in exchange for their participation in Month Without Metaphor.

The publisher of the Avian Messenger and one of the organizers of the annual media event went on CLucK Radio at eight o’clock this morning to, as he said, “flatly deny” the claim made by the gossip side headsNtales.

“At no time did I even entertain the idea of offering compensation for participation,” Tinamou told interviewer Mayumi Manok.

Tinamou admitted he was worried about the participation numbers, but he told Manok that since Mammalian Daily managing editor Orphea Haas acquiesced to the pressure to name her reporters, “a large number” of media outlets had signed on.

“We’re not yet up to last year’s numbers, but we’re confident that we’ll get there,” Tinamou said.

As for the claim of compensation for participation, headsNtales co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo says she stands by her story.

“Tinamou can sing whatever song he chooses, but we have the facts and we can prove them,” she says.

CLucK Radio is owned by AVN Media, a Park-based media corporation whose holdings also include AVN Radio, and The Avian Messenger.

TMD’s Haas on no-name policy: “We have to honour our reporters’ contracts”

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ContractsThe Mammalian Daily’s longstanding policy of not naming its reporters has continued because of the terms of its journalists’ contracts, it has been revealed.

Facing a herd of reporters at a press conference yesterday morning, Orphea Haas admitted that the newspaper has “suffered greatly” from the policy and is now experiencing a decline in readership.

“Not all of our troubles are due to this policy, but some of them are. We admit that the criticism we’ve faced is valid. The policy is outdated and not in keeping with our ethos of transparency, but we haven’t been in a position to change it, at least as far as our current employees are concerned,” she said.

Haas confirmed that new employees will sign “revamped” contracts that will include the publication of their name and, if they agree, their species.

“We do not believe that printing a reporter’s species is essential to transparency. Thus, we will give every journalist the opportunity to decline.”

On the issue of declaring species, Haas emphasized that The Mammalian Daily was in a unique position, since so many different species were qualified to work there.

“This isn’t as big an issue for The Reptile Register or, indeed, for The Equine Echo. But the possibilities [of species identification] are so much broader for us,” she said.

As for May’s Month Without Metaphor, Haas confirmed her newspaper’s support of the project and urged all Park media to participate in the event.

“It is a wonderful opportunity for us to take a critical look at what we say and how we say it. We have supported the event from the get-go and we intend to do so in the future,” she said.

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