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Police, DWBS confirm Humans took photos of Park Animals in hibernation

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Hibernating Animal

The Mammalian Daily publishes this photo with the permission of Park Police

BREAKING NEWS

Park Police and the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) confirmed today that a group of Humans was responsible for taking and distributing photos showing Park Animals in various stages of hibernation.

At a joint press briefing this morning, Cornelius Kakapo, DWBS Director of Public Relations and Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crime Unit (SHCU) revealed the findings of their investigation.

“We are here to confirm that through extensive investigation we have determined that a group of Humans was responsible for the cache of photos in question that was distributed via the internet in January,” Addax said.

The photos, which Police confirmed were taken by cameras installed secretly in hibernators’ burrows, were posted serially, at the rate of approximately one every half-hour, on January 23. They appeared simultaneously on an internet site run by Humans and on The Park’s gossip web site, headsNtales.

Police also confirmed that they had questioned the gossip site’s co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo. They did not say what they learned from Guacamayo, nor whether she and her co-founder would be charged for posting the photos. The name of the Humans’ web site has not been revealed.

Although police took no questions at the briefing, Kakapo was able to confirm rumours that the Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS) had been deployed during the investigation.

Balls columnist lends private collection to Park Museum’s new Flyball exhibition

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Bailey Balls Columnist

Bailey: balls columnist and co-curator of Park Museum exhibition

The Mammalian Daily’s balls columnist has lent his private collection of balls to The Park Museum’s latest exhibition.

In a statement released today, the Board of Governors of The Park Museum and curator Dorika Pumi thanked Bailey for his “trust and generosity” in making the temporary donation and said the museum had benefitted immensely from his “vast knowledge of balls.”

Entitled, “Flyball and the Importance of Balls in the Everyday Life of Park Animals,” the exhibition is the museum’s first sports-related event. According to the pre-opening information, it will not only highlight the sport of flyball, but will also serve as “a tribute to the enduring relationship between Animals and balls.”

Last July, Bailey announced that he was taking a leave of absence from his column at the newspaper to co-curate the exhibition along with the museum’s head curator Dorika Pumi. His private collection of balls includes over twenty different types, most of which he or his ancestors have used in play. Some, which were bought at auction, date from pre-zoocratic times.

The opening date for the exhibition has not yet been announced, but a spokesAnimal for the museum says public viewing will follow a gala opening, “in the early Spring.”

Hair and skin colouring, stripe removal hurt Park, says Artifice Destiny author

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Look! No stripes on this Zebra.

The author of a controversial new book published by Prionailurus Press says that the growing popularity of aesthetic changes such as stripe removal and artificial hair and skin colouring will have devastating long-term effects on The Park and its citizens.

In an interview this week, Artifice Destiny author Marika Kaméleon told The Mammalian Daily that such alterations to our natural selves will not only change the way we see ourselves and each other, but they will also have a detrimental effect on Park politics, government, and our collective commitment to zoocracy.

“The basis of our life here is a commitment to viewing each other equally, regardless of species, size, or colour and this kind of artifice makes a mockery of that,” she said.

Kaméleon, who is also a therapist at The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic, said she has already seen a number of younger patients who see procedures such as stripe removal as “adaptive” ways to avoid the extinction of their species.

“They come here talking about the hatred they’ve experienced and the threat to their lives and the future of their species, but they don’t see that caving in to hatred and prejudice is not an adaptation so much as a surrender. Some say it’s their version of ‘fight or flight’ but I say no to that. Moving in the direction of homogeneity is not the answer,” she said.

Kaméleon’s book became a bestseller almost as soon as it was released last week, but it has garnered its share of controversy, particularly from The Park’s business community and its grooming houses, some of which still offer stripe removal services.

“I have always been against the procedure, personally, but I don’t feel as if I have the right to deny it to Animals who seek it,” said Tallulah of Talulah’s Toilettage. “I don’t think it’s fair of Kaméleon, as a therapist, to advise her patients against doing something that might help them feel better.”

Rehearsals to resume in March on Millicent Hayberry mystery series

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Millicent Hayberry

Millicent Hayberry: Back onstage at the Burrow Theatre April 8

Rehearsals will resume next week at The Park’s Burrow Theatre for the Gianfranco Colocolo mystery series starring renowned actress Millicent Hayberry.

A spokesAnimal for the theatre confirmed director Jean-Luc Briard’s tweet of February 23, in which he said he was “Getting into shape for Tuesday rehearsal.” According to the theatre, rehearsals begin on Tuesday, March 1, a little over a month before the April 8 opening.

Hayberry, who is best known for her portrayal of author Imogen Aardeekhoorn in both the stage and screen productions of Mixed Nuts, emerged from hibernation on Groundhog Day and has been resting since, but is said to be anxious to return to work.

“Millicent lives for her work and if she could, she’d skip hibernation altogether in favour of working,” said a close friend of the actress.

Despite that, rehearsals that were scheduled for the month of February were cancelled, in part due to Hayberry’s physical state.

“She was weak coming out of hibernation, which isn’t surprising,” said the same friend. “But her spirits are high and they will carry her through the first gruelling days of rehearsal all the way to the opening.”

For his part, Gianfranco Colocolo, the award-winning author of Murder at the Fishbowl, has yet to name the mystery series, preferring to keep that as a mystery, as well. Tickets for the series (single plays or for the whole series) will go on sale in mid-March at The Burrow Theatre.

Mating Dance organizers announce partnership with gewper for 2016 event

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Dachsunds in love

Scented social networking site gewper will participate in the 2016 Mating Dance

Organizers of The Park’s annual Mating Dance announced today that gewper will play a major rôle in this year’s event.[pullquote]As we all know, scent is a major part of our lives—perhaps the most important sense for many of us—and the rôle that scent plays in mating is significant.—Viviette Lapine, Chief Organizer, Mating Dance[/pullquote]

At a press conference held this morning, Mating Dance chief organizer Viviette Lapine confirmed the Dance’s partnership with The Park’s only scented social networking site.

“We are thrilled that gewper has agreed to partner with us for this year’s event. As we all know, scent is a major part of our lives—perhaps the most important sense for many of us—and the rôle that scent plays in mating is significant. In this context, ‘scents make perfect sense,’ ” she said, as she invoked the web site’s signature phrase.

Executives from RhinoTech, Inc. and Enterprises Moufettes, S.A., gewper’s developers and de facto owners, appeared happy as Lapine spoke about the partnership, which will likely rehabilitate their brand after the fiasco of their collaboration with Tab Tricolore on his scented holiday television program in December.

Lapine also confirmed that they will again be offering members of The Park’s endangered species a pre-registration package that includes free genetic and psychological counselling services. Pre-registration for the Mating Dance will begin at 10:00 a.m. on Monday, April 18 at the offices of the Department of Well-Being and Safety. All Animals must bring proof of their eligibility in the form of their membership in The Park’s Endangered Species Benefits Programme (ESBP). The Mating Dance will occur on Thursday, May 5.

Rapper Will.o.be. under fire for criticism of zoocracy after Return of the Nut

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Rapper Will.o.be.

Rapper Will.o.be: “Animals are not fit for self-rule.”

First, it was Douglas Cheetah. Now, Rapper Will.o.be. is coming under fire for remarks he made at The Park’s emotional Return of the Nut ceremony on Saturday.

Just minutes after 2016 Keeper of the Nut Ekeoma L. Girraaf returned the Nut to The Park’s hibernating community, swearing the ancient oath that it was “kept from harm and preserved intact,” the singer and composer made some incendiary remarks to a Mammalian Daily Television (TMDTV) reporter.

In a “live at the scene” interview, the beloved musician criticized the Archons’ Groundhog Day address, as well as the Archons themselves, saying that they “embodied everything that is wrong with zoocracy.”

A shocked television audience then found themselves subjected to a barrage of specist comments, as Will.o.be. declared that “Fish do not speak for me,” that “[Chief Archon] Mink does not speak for me,” and that “very few other Animals have any idea what it’s like to be Feline.”

The composer and singer then went on a rampage against Animal self-rule, declaring that most Animals are not able to run their own lives, let alone the lives of millions of other Animals of all species.

“I’ve spent a lot of time in the Human world and I know that it doesn’t work there, either,” he said.

Minutes after the broadcast, Mammalian Daily Associated News Services (MDANS), TMDTV’s parent company, issued an apology for the rapper’s remarks, saying they did not reflect in any way the views of MDANS or its employees.

Wilkommen, Bienvenue: A guide to welcoming back our hibernating friends

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WelcomeMy, time flies!

It seems like it was just yesterday that we saw our hibernating friends off for the Winter and tomorrow they’re scheduled to return to us!

We’ll be thrilled to see them again, but how many of us understand this aspect of their lives? Do we know how they will feel—physically, mentally, and emotionally—in the days after rising?

“Probably not,” says Dr. Gudrun L. Gibbon, a Park psychotherapist who is also on staff at The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic.

“I don’t think most of us even think about it. We just say, ‘Welcome back’ and expect them to resume their lives as they were. We don’t stop to think about the toll that hibernation takes on the body and mind or the length of time it takes to get up and running again,” she says.

For that reason, Gibbon decided to write what some are calling “the definitive guide” to welcoming back our hibernators.

The guide, which is available free of charge throughout The Park, was funded in part by The Department of Well-Being and Safety.

“They got on board right away. They thought it was high time we produced some educational tools on the subject. After all, a significant portion of our population hibernates or estivates. It has an impact on all of us, not just our personal relationships, but on our economy and our political life,” says Gibbon.

So, what should we know about our post-hibernating friends? Gibbon gave us a list of five things to remember when welcoming home post-hibernators:

  • Remember that they are not fully awake at first, even if they appear to be
  • Remember that hibernation is not rest, per se, and that they will be quite tired for a long period, post-hibernation. So, save the welcome parties for later in the Spring!
  • Don’t be insulted or alarmed if they don’t remember some important aspects of your life, or even their own. The deeper sleepers can experience significant memory loss, but this will improve with time
  • Give them some time to catch up on what they’ve missed. It’s difficult to take it in all at once
  • Don’t try to feed them too much at first. Their stomachs won’t be able to handle it

“I think it’s important for non-hibernators to understand the process,” says Gibbon. “And if you just understand these five things, you’ll be a fantastic friend to a hibernator.”

No-biting rule suspended for police at Saturday’s Return of the Nut: gossip site

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DEVELOPING STORY

The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has agreed to suspend the longstanding no-biting rule for Park Police who are on duty at Sunday’s Return of the Nut ceremonies, according to the gossip site headsNtales.

In a post dated this afternoon, the site’s co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo says a source told her the decision was made in consultation with the Archons and the Park Police Force.

The source cited “the recent outbreak of violence at the celebration of the birth of The Park’s first leader, in combination with a generally volatile environment” as the reasons for the change in the longstanding policy that forbids police officers from biting alleged offenders.

According to the site, it was the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW) that requested the change in policy which, it says, will be in effect from ten in the morning on Sunday, February 21 until two in the morning on Monday, February 22.

No comment has been made thus far by the DWBS or by the FCSW regarding the matter. A Mammalian Daily request for more  information from the Office of the Archons remained unanswered at the time of this article’s publication.

Gunnar Rotte, Douglas Cheetah to debate tomorrow on Yannis Tavros show

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YannisTavros Two days before The Park celebrates the Return of the Nut, Gunnar Rotte and Douglas Cheetah will face off against each other on the Yannis Tavros show in a debate on the merits of sortition.

In a press release issued this morning, Toro Talk Radio, Tavros’s home station, confirmed the debate, which will be broadcast live an hour after his usual call-in show.

In an advertisement that ran in both social and traditional media, the radio station invited listeners to have their say “ahead of time and ahead of the pack,” by calling into the Tavros show tomorrow.

The debate is sure to be a heated one. Rotte will argue for maintaining sortition, the lottery that selects The Park’s government every year. Cheetah, the renowned director and vocal critic of sortition who joined the Coalition Against Sortition in The Park (CASP) last year, will argue not only for the abolition of sortition, but for the establishment of free elections in The Park.

Politics, violence mar celebration of the birth of The Park’s first leader

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Jailed Elephant Jailed CatThe celebration of the birth of The Park’s first leader turned ugly yesterday when political arguments among residents resulted in violence that sent a number of Animals to jail or to hospital.

The full-day holiday recognizes the birth of Jor, whose vision of Animal self-rule brought us modern zoocracy. The occasion is usually a solemn one, but this year it was made less so by arguments about sortition, the so-called lottery method by which the Archons who form our government are selected. A growing number of citizens have become disenchanted with sortition over the past few years and proponents of its abolition have become increasingly vocal and aggressive.

“Park residents are known to be passionate about their politics, and we’ve usually seen this as a good thing, a healthy thing,” said Gareth Shepherd, President of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW), who was in attendance at the event when violence broke out.

“But this sortition argument just got plain ugly. It started with words, and then it turned physical.”

According to police accounts, the violence escalated to the point where arrests became necessary.

“The verbal attacks were bad enough, but the physical blows…we had to stop it,” said one officer who wished not to be named.

At the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, the triaging lasted until well into the evening, with many patients resisting treatment in order to rejoin the fight.

“Even as they lay bleeding, they refused to restrain themselves from invective,” said Hermione Hippo, the hospital’s head nurse.

“We had to separate quite a number of Animals,” she said.

Balthasar Alouatta, spokesAnimal for the Archons, confirmed this morning that Chief Archon Raymond Mink will formally address the violence later this week.

“He—and all the Archons— are both horrified and mystified by this violence and they mean to stop it in its tracks,” Alouatta said.

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