The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Hacked Maple Tree dies as police continue search for AnonyMoose

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Maple Tree stump being guarded

A member of the BlueBird Guard sits atop the Maple Tree stump, where mourners have placed flowers.

The Maple Tree found hacked eight days ago has died, according to Park Police.

In a brief statement issued this morning, Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of the Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) said the Tree died at 11:07 last night. The death certificate has been signed by the Tree doctor who had attended the Tree since it was discovered on the morning of July 16.

“Our thoughts are with all Trees in The Park and with Jerzy Szop, who has been rendered homeless by this heinous act,” the statement said.

Inspector Addax also confirmed that the search for AnonyMoose, who has claimed responsibility for the hacking, is “active.”

“We are committing as many of our resources as possible to finding and apprehending AnonyMoose,” the inspector said in a short radio interview.

Meanwhile, mourners have begun to place flowers on the Tree stump and Park Police have sent a member of their elite BlueBird Guard to watch over the stump until it is removed on the weekend.

“Plumpen Rolletariat” artist to open PMoCA’s new exhibition in August

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Ingolf Ewald

Ingolf Ewald’s “Plumpen Rolletariat” will take centre stage at the PMoCA’s new exhibit in August

Artist Ingolf Ewald, known for his painting, “Plumpen Rolletariat,” has been selected to open the Park Museum of Contemporary Art’s newest exhibition in August.

The PMoCA’s head curator Aamuun Maroodiga made the announcement in a press release this morning:

“On behalf of the Park Museum of Contemporary Art, I am pleased to announce that artist Ingolf Ewald has graciously accepted our invitation to open our upcoming exhibition, ‘Art of the Domestic Feline,’ at a gala to be held at the museum on August 8,” the press release reads.

Ewald, who has courted controversy for over a decade with this particular painting, posted on his own web site that he was honoured by the request.

“When Aamuun Maroodiga asked me to lend my painting to the museum for the purpose of an exhibition, I said yes immediately,” he wrote.

“I have always been a supporter of the domestic art movement, since my origins lie in that territory. But this exhibition is special to me, because the curator is a close acquaintance and because I know that my work will be among other great works of domestic art.”

Although Ewald has sold many of his paintings, he maintains ownership of “Plumpen Rolletariat” and has never lent it to an exhibition before.

According to the museum’s web site, the opening gala will include an auction of a more recent work by Ewald, the proceeds from which will be donated to the CatsCare charity.

AnonyMoose claims responsibility for latest Tree hacking in Park

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AnonyMoose

AnonyMoose

BREAKING NEWS

AnonyMoose has claimed responsibility for the latest hacking of a Park Tree.

In an email sent to all Park newspapers, the notorious enemy of zoocracy says it was he who hacked the Maple Tree outside The Battering Ram Café last Wednesday.

“I did it to gain your attention, to rouse you from your stupor,” he said in the email, which is addressed to “Fellow Park citizens and members of the media.”

In the email, AnonyMoose outlines the reasons for his disaffection with Park government and chides his fellow citizens for their complacency.

“Year after year, the Archons’ inability to govern this Park appears to go unnoticed. Every January, we celebrate the swearing-in of some of the most incompetent Animals in our midst and happily entrust them with our welfare. Over the past three years, the Finance Office has demonstrated its inability to present an appropriate budget. Sortition and zoocracy do not work, my fellow citizens. If you have any interest in saving this ailing Park, I implore you: show your claws and teeth, overtake the Archons before it is too late and return the running of our lives to those who do it best: the citizens.”

Nowhere in the email, which runs for three pages, does AnonyMoose show any remorse for what he did to the Tree or to Jerzy Szop, whose home was destroyed when the Tree was hacked. The Maple Tree itself is currently receiving treatment from a Tree doctor, but it is too early to tell whether it will survive.

Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of the Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) issued a communiqué following the receipt of the email. In it, he said that his team is “on the trail” of AnonyMoose.

“We hope to be able to deliver him for an appearance before the courts very soon,” the communiqué said.

Winners of tickets to Barkettes’ free concert to be announced Tuesday

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Barkettes #4 ticket

Will you be one of the lucky ones?

The winners of the lottery for tickets to the Barkettes’ free concert at the Tartan Crab Memorial Pond will be announced tomorrow.

In a joint statement released this morning, the promoter, Iglu Entertainment, and the group’s manager, Hilde Blaft, confirmed that the winners will be selected in a live presentation that will be held outside the law courts and broadcast on a number of Park television stations.

The statement also confirmed that Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon will preside over the selection process but will not personally handle any of the ticket requests.

The presentation will begin at 11:00 in the morning. According to the concert’s organizers, there are 20,000 tickets up for grabs, including direct skyview tickets. There are also at least 2,000 underwater spaces available.

The free concert will honour the memory of the Tartan Crab, the victim of The Park’s most famous unsolved murder. The Crab, who was Nestor’s pet, was brutally murdered eight years ago and Police still have no idea of the identity of the crime’s perpetrator.

The July 26 concert, which begins at 8:00 p.m., is the only free event announced thus far in Thisbe and the Barkettes’ Bring Your Own Bone Tour. The Park leg of the tour will wrap up at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre in August.

Millicent Hayberry eulogizes superfan at Saturday’s memorial service

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Millicent Hayberry

Hayberry eulogized superfan Xanthippe Porcupine at Saturday’s memorial service

Outside the Burrow Theatre yesterday, Millicent Hayberry acknowledged the contributions of Xanthippe Porcupine, her “greatest fan,” and held court afterwards, signing autographs and mixing with the crowd at what some in attendance called a “bizarre combination of memorial service, self-promotion, and lovefest.”

At times unusually restrained and at others downright effusive, Hayberry spoke almost lovingly of an Animal whom she had at first feared.

“I was young, inexperienced, and unused to such focused attention,” she told the crowd of mourners standing under the bright sun. “Xanthippe changed all that for me.”

Hayberry said she’d found that one of the consequences of having a superfan was that she had to fight to maintain a more objective view of herself and her work. But, at the same time, Porcupine’s recommendations provided a balance.

“Xanthippe was never critical, even when she made suggestions, which other actors would have found outrageous and presumptuous. But she had a good ear and was particular about cadence and, in the end, I believe that made my performances better,” she said.

Among the others who spoke at the memorial was Porcupine’s daughter Carys, who thanked Hayberry for agreeing to give the eulogy, while gently teasing her about never feeling as important to her mother as Hayberry was.

“I was, in fact, my mother’s only daughter, but I always felt as if I were her second and Millicent Hayberry was her first,” she joked. “My only regret is that my mother wasn’t able to hear the wonderful things you said about her today.”

Porcupine was laid to rest in a private burial Saturday evening.

Second Tree found hacked in Park

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second tree hacked

Jerzy Szop stands inside what remains of his longtime residence

BREAKING NEWS

A second Park Tree has been hacked in the night.

In a statement issued at nine o’clock this morning, Park Police confirmed that a Maple Tree outside The Battering Ram Café was found to have suffered “significant damage.”

“At five-thirty this morning, Park Police were called to the scene after several patrons exiting the [Battering Ram] Café noticed the destruction,” the statement said.

Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of the Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) said that his team is investigating what he called the “utter devastation” of a Park landmark.

“We have called in a Tree doctor, but we fear it may not survive until tomorrow,” Addax said in a telephone interview.

The Maple Tree, which is believed to be one of The Park’s oldest Trees, has been home to Jerzy Szop for the past three years. Szop says he is “shaken to the core” at the loss of his home.

“I feel violated,” he said, as he stood inside what remains of his residence. Holding a parasol for protection against the midday sun, Szop said he felt “completely disoriented” after arriving home from a late-night food gathering expedition to discover that he no longer had a home.

Szop says he doesn’t know if he’ll continue to live in The Park, even though he’s had multiple offers of shelter.

“I’ve completely lost trust in Park life,” he moaned, as his friends and family gathered around to support him.

Hayberry superfan succumbs to illness

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Tribute to Xanthippe Porcupine

This tribute to Xanthippe Porcupine appeared outside the Burrow Theatre

BREAKING NEWS

Xanthippe Porcupine, who proclaimed herself to be actress Millicent Hayberry’s “greatest fan,” died last night at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm. She was six years old.

The death was confirmed in a statement released by Porcupine’s daughter Carys, this morning.

“It is with great sadness that the family of Xanthippe Porcupine announces her death last night, after a long illness. Xanthippe was a great daughter, sister, friend, mate, mother, and grandmother. But, above all, she liked to think of herself as Millicent Hayberry’s greatest fan. Her family will always be grateful to the actress, who always expressed kindness and appreciation when she met Xanthippe,” the statement read.

Porcupine attended a record number of Hayberry performances before she became ill, but she was probably best known for keeping a two-month vigil outside the Park Hospital while Hayberry recovered from an attack by another fan on the set of the film production of “Mixed Nuts” in 2011.

A memorial service is planned for Porcupine on Saturday. Millicent Hayberry could not be reached for comment.

This year’s first case of Small Ball Fever diagnosed at Park Hospital

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Small Ball FeverBREAKING NEWS

The Park has seen its first case of Small Ball Fever this year.

In a statement issued this morning, a spokesAnimal for The Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm said the hospital “is confirming the first case of Small Ball Fever (SBF) in 2015.”

According to Hermione Hippo, the hospital’s head nurse and Assistant Professor at the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine, the hospital expects to see a resurgence of the disease this year.

Hippo, who will be delivering a lecture on Small Ball Fever at the university next week, said in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio (TMD Radio) that The Park was “spared” for a while due to June’s heavy rainfall.

“For a while, it looked as though we might escape any incidence of SBF this year. Last year, we experienced the lowest incidence of any year since 2005, when we started gathering statistics. But the surge in temperatures has brought out an almost record number of small balls,” she said.

Hippo also confirmed that the hospital has hired a ball watcher as well as a ball catcher for the Summer months.

“With the sudden rise in temperatures, we were seeing small balls entering The Park from every direction and we needed a lot of help keeping up with them. We are storing them in a safe, temperature-controlled room at the hospital and we intend to return them at some point later in the Autumn,” she said.

Small Ball Fever occurs because small balls, which are better known outside The Park as “golf” balls, harbour the deadly Small Ball Fever virus inside their dimpled surface. The SBF virus is spread when it leaks through cracks in the ball’s surface and makes contact with mucosa in the mouth or nose. Symptoms include extremely high fever, chills, aching muscles, and, eventually, pulmonary dysfunction. All Animals are at risk of developing Small Ball Fever but some groups of Animals, including Squirrels, Donkeys, the elderly, and the infirm, are at particular risk.

The Department of Well-Being and Safety has issued a Small Ball Fever warning, as well, advising Animals who think they may be experiencing any of the above symptoms to report immediately to the hospital. It has also directed all Animals to its online pamphlet, “What you should know about Small Ball Fever.”

PFO head’s remark hints at new attitude to tourism promotion

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2015 Budget

 

In an interview yesterday with reporter Alfonsina Cavalletta of the Serangga Star Adviser, the head of the Park Finance Office (PFO) said she believed that tourism is “organic” and may not require much help from officials.

In response to a question about the promotion of tourism in The Park, Valentina Abeja said she believed that “tourism is an organic force and it builds on itself and from itself.”

Later in the interview, Abeja, who took office in February of this year, expanded on her views regarding tourism and its importance to The Park.

“I’ve listened to many of our shopkeepers over the past few months and they say they believe strongly that tourism is irrelevant to their bottom line. In some cases, I must say that I agree with them. In other cases, I think we could improve on our past ventures. I think we need to promote ourselves to a different kind of Human, as well as to domestic Animals. I think we missed the mark there. Perhaps if we bypass the Humans altogether and go directly to their Animal companions, we will attract a more profitable tourist. As it stands, however, our attempts have not yielded significant gains. I believe we need to revisit this area entirely,” she said.

Abeja will present the 2016 Park Budget in August.

“Harmonious” pair newest tool to promote rapport among Park’s young

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Harmonious pair

Harmonious Humphrey (left) and Harmonious Hannah will make their debut on Sunday

Meet Harmonious Humphrey and Harmonious Hannah.

The pair of stuffed toys, whose creation was commissioned by the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS), are set to make their professional debut this week, at July’s first Stereotype Sunday.

“We are very pleased to introduce them…our new mascots of interspecial harmony,” said DWBS Public Relations Director Cornelius Kakapo at a press gathering this afternoon. The gathering was held outside the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre, where the weekly event occurs.

The stuffed Animals, who stand five and a half feet tall, were available for photographs for only a short time today before they were whisked away to an undisclosed location. According to Kakapo, they won’t appear again until Sunday.

“We just wanted to give you a heads-up,” he told reporters, smiling wryly as he handed out information packets to the media.

This is the first initiative to promote interspecial harmony that has been aimed at youth, Kakapo said.

“Our youth are the future of The Park. We need to focus more on them, on training their minds and hearts, steering them in the direction of harmony, equality, and justice. Because it is far easier to plant a seed than it is to relocate a tree,” he said.

The stuffed pair will make the rounds at this week’s Stereotype Sunday, encouraging young Animals to ask questions about other species and to make new friends.

“We’ll be watching their [the harmonious pair’s] progress and tweaking their rôle along the way,” Kakapo said.

This week’s Stereotype Sunday will take place at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre from 1:00 pm until 6:00 pm.

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