The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

As hibernation date draws near, pressure mounts on Park Election Office to declare POPS winner

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Official hibernation date, November 17

Pressure is mounting on the Park Election Office to declare a winner in the 2014 POPS election before the official date of hibernation.

“No one envies me right now,” says Gerritt Wezel, as he scoots off to work well before dawn today. The head of the Park Election Office is feeling the heat, so to speak, even in the face of temperatures that are below the freezing mark.

This is the fourth day that Wezel has had to face the press outside his den and the fifth day since the election was held. Still, he has no results to relay and he says he has given up on making promises.

“It is what it is and it will be what it will be,” he says, almost shyly, as he makes his way to the scene of counting, sorting, and re-counting the hundreds of thousands of votes that were cast last Thursday.

As the official hibernation date of November 17 draws ever closer, pressure is mounting on the Park Election Office and its head to declare the winner of the 2014 POPS election. But Wezel says that cannot be done in a hurry.

“Animals want to be secure in the knowledge that the winner we declare is the actual winner…the Animal who won the most votes,” he said in a radio interview over the weekend.

“And with the Animalpower we have, that is going to take time. But I can assure you that when we do announce the winner, it will be after a meticulous count and re-count and there will be no question as to the accuracy [of the count] and who the winner really is,” he said.

Heavy police presence at polling stations disturbing to voters

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Polling station

Many voters who turned out to choose the 2014 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) on November 7 were disturbed by the heavy police presence at the polling stations around The Park

The heavy police presence at polling stations around The Park during last week’s POPS election was disturbing to a large number of voters, according to a survey conducted by The Park’s Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS).

The results of the survey, which were intended for internal use only, were leaked to The Mammalian Daily last night by a source who wishes to remain anonymous. The source attended a special meeting called to discuss the election results. That meeting included representatives from the DWBS, Park Election Office head Gerritt Wezel, and members of an ad hoc committee whose duty it was to oversee the election. Chief Archon Dewi Merpatee Rhinoceros was also present at the meeting.

According to The Mammalian Daily’s source, the purpose of the meeting was to ascertain the reason for the delay in determining the winner of the election and to discuss any irregularities in the voting or vote-counting process that may have occurred.

The source told The Mammalian Daily that the DWBS commissioned the survey in order to gauge Animals’ reaction to the presence of police during elections. Historically, police have not been present at POPS elections. They are usually peaceful events, as was the case this year. But the decision made by the DWBS to send police to the polling stations may have less to do with keeping the peace and more to do with plans to hold more elections in the future, the source said.

The election results, which were expected to be announced on November 8, are still pending.

The Fowl Ball: New Avian charity gala “will benefit all”

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Something to crow about: Park Animals look forward to receiving their invitations to next Spring's charity gala, the Fowl Ball. The Ball will raise funds to aid The Park's Avian Community

Something to crow about: Park Animals look forward to receiving their invitation to next Spring’s inaugural charity gala, the Fowl Ball. The Ball will raise funds to aid The Park’s Avian Community

Park Animals will have something to crow about when they receive their invitation to next Spring’s new charity event, The Fowl Ball.

“This is going to be the event of the year, every year from now on,” proclaimed Rafael Ortega, one of the event’s organizers, at a press concert held yesterday to announce the event.

While some details have yet to be finalized, Ortega said the important ones were “carved in stone.”

“This isn’t just going to be a concert or an auction or a festival or a dance,” he said. “It’s going to be all of those and more. Animals will be primping and preening for days to get themselves ready for this. Every Animal in The Park is going to want to attend and they’re all going to want to look and feel their best,” he said.

And that’s only one of the ways in which the gala will “benefit all,” the organizer declared.

“Our main objective, of course, is Avian aid,” he admitted. “Our community continues to suffer unspeakable harm outside The Park. So, yes, we’ve organized this gala to raise funds to help our community, but we also believe it can benefit all of us by stimulating the economy. From those who make the signs and post the announcements to those who provide the food and beverages to those who make and sell our apparel and accessories to those who help us primp and preen…they’re all going to benefit from the business they’ll get from this event,” he said proudly.

And it appears he’s correct. This morning, The Park’s grooming houses jumped on board, praising the effort and voicing their support for the cause.

“This can only come to good for all of us,” said Dominic Bristlehead, co-owner of The Pluming Room.

That sentiment was echoed by Amoltrud Poedel, owner of Amoltrud’s Aesthetics and Tallulah of Tallulah’s Toilettage.

The Park’s restaurants and pubs were quick to weigh in on the announcement, too. Even Tab Tricolore, who has his paws full running three restaurants and trying to open a fourth at the Park Museum, seemed excited enough to want to participate.

“My own community has had its issues with Ortega’s in the past, but I support his cause one hundred percent and, if called upon, my chefs and I will serve,” he said.

POPS 2014: Let the campaign begin!

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POPS 2014 List of Candidates

The list of candidates for POPS 2014 was released at 2:00 a.m. this morning by the Park Election Office.

The Park’s Election Office has released the names of the 145 Animals who have chosen to stand as candidates for the position of 2014 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS).

At 2:00 a.m. this morning, the list of candidates was posted at the law courts and in front of the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre, the venue that will host tonight’s all-candidates debate. The list will remain posted until all votes are tallied on November 7.

The total number of candidates this year is 145 and they represent a wide variety of species, many of whom have not previously been associated with weather prognostication.

“It’s an increase of more than 500 per cent over last year,” PEO head Gerritt Wezel told The Mammalian Daily this morning.

“We’re going to see quite the fight tonight,” he said. “You can tell from the campaigning so far.”

Some candidates began their campaign at 2:01 this morning, just one minute after the list of candidates was posted. Others, however, opted to wait for more Animals to be awake before they knocked on den doors or slipped their brochures into burrows or tunnels.

“I was up, of course, but I didn’t want to rouse any other Animal from sleep. I don’t think that’s how you get votes,” said Corazón Jirafa, who is the first of her species to stand for election.

Both Jirafa and Blandine Okapi said they believed it was important for them to run, even if they don’t stand a chance of winning.

“There’s been so much talk about striped and spotted Animals not getting a fair shake in The Park, not being treated equally,” said Okapi. “I kind of wanted to test that out and see for myself what kind of reaction I got.”

Candidates will be campaigning throughout the day until the all-candidates debate begins at 8:00 this evening.

“And after that, it’s up to the electorate to ponder its decision in blissful silence,” says Wezel.

Election Office “overwhelmed” by candidates for POPS 2014

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POPS 2014 Candidate

Since eligibility rules changed to allow members of all species to stand as candidates for the position of Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), the number of those interested in doing so has grown “by leaps and bounds” says Park Election Office head Gerritt Wezel.

Gerritt Wezel’s office is a shambles.

“I thought last year was bad, but I didn’t see this coming,” says the head of the Park Election Office (PEO), as he points to the piles upon piles of paper that cover his desk. The papers, which are registration forms that verify the names and life histories of this year’s candidates for Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), have even spilled onto the floor, making any walk in this office a treacherous thing.

“Be careful where you step, or you could find yourself in court, charged with obstructing some Animal’s candidacy,” Wezel warns.

With only a few days to go before the annual all-candidates debate, the list of contenders vying for the position of POPS has grown so large that speaking time for each candidate has been cut in half. Wezel says that, otherwise, “we’d be going non-stop for a whole day.”

The PEO head believes that recent changes to the eligibility rules are the reason for the huge increase in the number of candidates.

“Ever since we opened up [candidacy] to all species, it’s grown by leaps and bounds,” he says.

This year, Wezel expects the final number to be well over 100, an increase over last year of more than 400 per cent.

“This is the highest level of interest we’ve seen and I don’t expect it to level off any time soon. And that’s why I think there may come a time when we’ll have to look at this thing differently and, perhaps, require some qualifications for the position,” he says.

That time is not likely to come soon, though. It has only been since 2003 (23 AZ), subsequent to the decision of Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon in the landmark case of “Spring’s Unsprung Heroes” vs the descendants of E. Bromley Groundhog, that the position of POPS has been an elected one. Park Animals, understandably, are liable to defend vigorously their right to stand as candidates, no matter how large the number gets.

In the meantime, Wezel says he is glad that November 5 is on the horizon. That is the last day that Animals are allowed to enter the race.

JUST THE FACTS

If you’re still thinking about running for POPS 2014, here are some things you should know:

1. You have until noon on November 5 to have your name officially entered as a candidate.
2. The names of all candidates will be released at 2:00 a.m. on November 6.
3. POPS hopefuls are allowed to campaign for votes until 8:00 p.m. on November 6.
4. The all-candidates debate begins at 8:00 p.m. on November 6.
5. Animals are not allowed to campaign on election day, November 7.

Museum takes heat for letter blaming construction workers

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Park Museum

The Park Museum’s Board has been criticized for blaming the Builders’ Guild for the current dispute that has halted  construction on the museum since September 14.

The Board of Governors of the Park Museum has come under fire for appearing to blame members of the Association of Professional Park Construction Workers (APPCW) for the ongoing strike at the museum.

In an open letter addressed to the museum’s future patrons, the Board contends that it has bargained “in good faith” and been conscientious about attending negotiations with the APPCW’s representatives. The letter appears on the museum’s web site.

“At no time did we threaten to void our contract with the Builders’ Guild (APPCW), as was reported, nor have we ever failed to attend negotiations. We believe that we have bargained in good faith with the members of the APPCW and, to the best of our ability, we have met members’ demands,” the letter begins.

Some critics, however, have accused the museum’s Board of Governors of “whitewashing” and some have even suggested the letter is a form of sabotage.

“I think they might be using that letter to bait the APPCW,” said Gareth Shepherd, Park Police Officer and President of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW).

“We’ve seen this kind of thing happen and it can turn very ugly,” he said.

Construction of the main building of the Park Museum ceased on September 14, when talks between the APPCW and the museum’s Board of Governors broke down. In the letter, the museum’s Board of Governors appears to blame APPCW members’ “demands” for the current impasse, something which Shepherd says is common tactical error.

“More often than not, it backfires,” he says. “[Their] use of the word ‘demand’ is the first indication that they are trying to sway public opinion with the letter, rather than just using it to inform future patrons of the delay. Their hope appears to be that donors and future patrons will place the blame for the delay and for escalating costs on these ‘demands’ rather than on both parties’ inability to come to an agreement.”

The full letter appears here.

Rapper Will.o.be. to stand trial for defacing Tree at music fest

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Rapper Will.o.be.Rapper Will.o.be. will stand trial in December on one charge of mischief and two charges of assault on a living being, it was announced today. The charges relate to the singer’s alleged defacing of an Oak Tree during the last evening of the Beats of Burden music festival in September.

With his legal representative by his side, the rapper appeared before Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon yesterday afternoon. The Justice formally laid the charges, set the date for trial, and placed restrictions on the rapper’s pre-trial travel. The Justice also advised the accused not to spend any long period of time close to Park Trees.

In a short statement that appeared on his web site, the beloved Park musician expressed his disappointment that the matter had to be resolved in court.

“I had hoped to avoid a court trial, but this was deemed impossible unless I confessed to the crimes with which I have been charged and of which I am not guilty,” he wrote. He also thanked his fans and supporters, saying that he hoped he hadn’t let anyone down.

“I believe that my actions on September 16 were misinterpreted and misunderstood and I welcome the opportunity to explain myself to the court and to Park citizens,” he wrote.

On the evening of September 16, the last night of the Beats of Burden music festival, Will. o.be. was arrested after several event attendees said they saw him sharpening his claws on the trunk of an Oak tree behind the Tartan Crab Memorial Pond. The Tree, which is a cousin to The Park’s Ancient Oak Tree, was found to be missing a significant amount of bark. Park Police immediately restricted access to the tree and the trunk was subsequently treated by a specialist in the field. The Tree is expected to make a full recovery.

Excitement, controversy attend opening of Summer Games

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ISG 2013 opening ceremonies

The Park is in a state of heightened anticipation as the 2013 Interspecial Summer Games enter their first day. The opening ceremonies were held yesterday afternoon.

The excitement in The Park was palpable, as the opening ceremonies of the 2013 Interspecial Summer Games began yesterday afternoon.

The ISG Committee was treated to hoots, woofs, brays, and just about as many jeers as cheers as it made its way onto the field. But the response to the procession of athletes was one hundred per cent positive and seemed to leave every Animal in The Park in a festive mood.

“I can’t wait for the events to start,” said Mairéad Gabhar. These are her first Interspecial Summer Games and she had high praise for all the athletes, but “especially the Canines.”

“I have so much respect for them, the way they set aside their differences for the Games,” she said.

Indeed, the Canine athletes were greeted on the field as if they were royalty. And that’s no surprise; until early Saturday morning, no one thought they would see a Canine in these Games. But thanks to the mediation skills of Delwyn Terrier, founding partner of Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd, the CAA and the ISG Committee agreed to revisit their dispute after the closing ceremonies.

“We were committed and we worked non-stop until we came to an accommodation,” said Terrier, a former athlete himself and an avid sports fan.

Details of the agreement between the two parties have not been released, but rumours posted on the gossip web site headsNtales imply that the next Park swimming competition will include the Dog paddle among the competitive strokes.

Appearing tired but happy at the opening ceremonies, CAA President Alexandre Caniche would not comment on the rumours, but did acknowledge that some progress had been made over the weekend.

“I wouldn’t say it was a win, but I’d say we’ve come closer than we ever have to getting the job done,” he said.

Music fest under fire for selling products to Humans

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Beats of BurdenwareThe organizers of the first annual Beats of Burden music festival have come under fire for creating and selling products that are specifically geared to Human consumers.

At a rally held this afternoon outside the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre, members of groups that aid The Park’s refugees, as well as Park artists and shopkeepers, marched around the theatre, chanting their disapproval of what they call the festival organizers’ “outrageously offensive” decision.

“This is an incredible betrayal,” said Dorika Pumi, who curated The Park’s first art installation at The Park Museum of Contemporary Art. Entitled, “How Much Was That Doggie in the Window?” the installation has been described as “a living, breathing, depiction” of the horror of enforced domestication of Canines by Humans.

“I can tell you honestly that this is the last thing that we, as an organization, believed would ever happen,” said Vizsla Hoover of Runaway Rovers. Hoover’s group, which was involved in the art installation, assists Canines who have escaped enforced domestication.

“After years of working with refugees who have suffered tremendously at the hands of Humans, I am shocked that they [the festival organizers] saw fit to pander to them just for the sake of money,” she said.

Hoover is one of many in The Park’s immigrant and refugee aid community who is calling for the organizers to cease creating products for and selling those products to Humans.

“I looked at the catalogue and the number of products geared to Humans was almost equal to those for Animals,” Hoover said. “It is appalling.”

For their part, the music festival’s organizers say only that they believe many of the products offered for sale can be used by “any species.”

“We have offered a variety of products for sale in support of The Park’s refugee community. We have tried to be inclusive of all species and we believe we have been successful, in that many of these products have universal appeal. We do not, however, believe it is our job to determine which products should be geared to which species. That would undermine our intent, which is to service the Park community across its entire spectrum,” a festival statement said.

Nut Bar becomes PIFF 2013 official sponsor of “Mixed Nuts”

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The Nut Bar has assumed official sponsorship of the film version of “Mixed Nuts,” which will have its premiere screening this October during PIFF 2013.

In a joint statement released this morning, The Nut Bar and Lodgepole Productions confirmed that an agreement of sponsorship had been reached.

“We are delighted to announce the collaboration between The Nut Bar and Lodgepole Productions in bringing this wonderful film home to The Park this October. We look forward to having the opportunity to present the film and to interact with audience members during The Park Interspecial Film Festival,” the statement read in part.

This is the first time that the venerable Park shop has sponsored a film.

“We thought it was a perfect fit, so we approached them last year,” said the film’s producer, Victoria Sciurini.

“They didn’t need much convincing, though. It turns out they’re big fans of Millicent [Hayberry, the film’s star] and they’ve been terrific about the whole process. They are a very generous company,” she said.

“Mixed Nuts” will screen at The Park Cinema on Oct 2 and 3, 2013.

The Park Interspecial Film Festival Runs from October 1-5, 2013.

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