The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

CAA to ISG: “This is not the Dog paddle we asked for!”

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This is not the Dog paddle the CAA asked for

It appears that the Canine Athletic Association has lost its bid to reinstate the Dog paddle as a competitive swimming stroke. The ISG 2013 Committee has, however, given the green light to Dog paddling in a canoe across the Tartan Crab Memorial Pond.

The Canine Athletic Association has lost its bid to have the Dog paddle reinstated as a competitive swimming stroke in time for the 2013 Interspecial Summer Games.

In a statement released on Friday, well past the time the ISG 2013 Committee originally said it would announce its decision, the Committee wrote that there had not been enough time to examine all aspects of the issue and to evaluate the consequences of such a “bold decision.”

In an interview this morning on Canine Communications Radio, CAA President Alexandre Caniche called that a “ridiculous excuse.”

“I fail to see what the consequences would be,” he said. “And, truth be told, they’ve had over a year to deliberate. I would hardly call that not enough time. I also take issue with calling the reinstatement of the swimming stroke a ‘bold decision,'” he said.

In addition to the announcement nixing the Dog paddle stroke, the ISG Committee confirmed on Friday that the 2013 Interspecial Summer Games would be the first to include a Canine canoeing event across the Tartan Crab Memorial Pond.

While the CAA has refused to comment officially on that issue, President Caniche had strong words for the ISG Committee members:

“I would ask the Committee a simple question: who is to benefit from keeping the Dog paddle out of the competition? I would cautiously assert that the answer to that question might lead to a place the ISG Committee does not wish us to go.”

The Promise of The Park: should we still believe?

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The Promise of The ParkEDITORIAL
Over 31 years ago, the Animals who were resident in The Park took to the water, to the streets, and to the skies to celebrate the unlikeliest of events: the return of a piece of land to those who had inhabited it from its earliest days.

Though that victory was hard-won, we remain proud that it was not hard-fought. It was Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy, who declared that self-government should be achieved without violence.

“It is by the strength of our numbers and not of our teeth and claws that we will win back what is rightfully ours,” he proclaimed.

And so he led thousands of Animals out of the darkness of danger and subjugation into the light of peace and autonomy. Incorporating his long-held beliefs and newly-acquired understanding, he established a code of laws that he hoped would enable all manner of species to prosper, to find happiness, and most importantly, to live together peacefully in The Park.

But, even more than that, Jor established The Park as a sanctuary. The Park, he declared, would be a place where all Animals would be welcome, no matter who they were or whence they came, whether they were threatened or abused or simply seeking a new home. It would be a place where all Animals would be entitled to equal treatment and opportunity. And a host of opportunities there would be, for all who arrived here and for their descendants. This lofty goal was enshrined in law and it came to be known as “The Promise of The Park.”

Time has removed some of the shimmer from that promise, as time is wont to do. There have been breaches; infractions have been brought to light, the economy has become stagnant. And questions have been raised about our ability to live up to Jor’s ideals.

Questions are good. Questions lead not only to answers, but to insights. And they enable us to see ourselves as others see us. We should never be afraid of questions. But do we need to question The Promise of The Park, itself?

We don’t think so.

While law, The Promise of The Park is still an ideal, a goal, an aspiration. It is a work in progress, something that requires both regular tuning to work properly and respond to environmental changes and daily vigilance to ensure its safety in a hostile and uncertain world.

When The Promise is threatened, whether from outside or from within, our belief in ourselves and in our abilities is threatened. But our belief in The Promise never should be. Nor should we succumb to these threats; instead, we should renew our commitment to the ideals that are the foundation of The Park’s laws.

The Promise of The Park is intangible, but real. And we believe.

September on our minds: mark your calendars!

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September 2013The Park is a busy place in September, and this year, there’s even more to do and see and hear. So, The Mammalian Daily is giving you a heads-up on what’s on for September 2013.

Ready, set, mark your calendars!

Official end of estivation

End of EstivationIt’s time to welcome back our friends and fellow Park residents!

Let the celebrations begin on September 14!

 

 

The Beats of Burden Music Festival

Beats of Burden logo

The 1st annual Beats of Burden Music Festival promises three days and three nights of continuous music-making, with all our great bands and singers performing in aid of The Park’s refugees. Expect some surprises (as well as surprise appearances) along with the great sounds. And don’t forget the fabulous food and all sorts of other fun. September 14-16.


 

2013 Interspecial Summer Games

2013 Interspecial Summer Games LOGOThey only happen once every six years and the 2013 Interspecial Summer Games promise to be the sporting event of the decade, with more events scheduled than ever before! Watch our Park athletes compete for medals in a wide array of sports on the field, in the sky or in the water. September 22-October 1.

 

The Park’s Semi-Annual “Shakeoff”

The Park's semi-annual "Shake for Charity" have changedIt’s all about Animals helping Animals at The Park’s semi-annual “Shakeoff.” The event encourages Animals to donate their hair in aid of those whose coats can’t protect them from the harsh elements. In addition to helping others, you can also partake of free refreshments and get a new hairstyle from one the event’s on-site groomers (gratis, of course!).

“If you have a coat, share it with those who don’t.”   September 27

Stolen autochthonous art recovered by Park Police

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BIRD PAINTING

An important painting by one of The Park’s most revered autochthonous artists has been recovered by Park Police. The painting was stolen while it was one display during last Saturday’s Part ART Walk

An important painting by one of The Park’s most revered autochthonous artists has been recovered by Park Police, it was confirmed today.

The painting, entitled, L’oiseau à l’affût, was stolen while on display outside LeTwiggery during last Saturday’s Park ART Walk (PAW).

“One minute it was there; the next, it was gone,” one  regular PAWgoer told The Mammalian Daily.

“I turned around to tell my companions to take a look at it and when I turned back, there was only an empty easel standing there,” she said.

The painting by renowned autochthonous artist and Park citizen Hervé Huard was on loan to LeTwiggery as part of The Park’s annual Park ART Walk. A number of retail establishments as well as art galleries participate in the popular event by offering space free of charge so that artists can display their work. This year’s PAW was dedicated to the work of The Park’s autochthonous artists.

Huard has thus far refused to comment on either the theft or recovery, but Park Police believe the theft may be part of a larger problem in The Park. Sources close to the Society of Autochthonous Artists (SAA) say the group has received threats recently and several autochthonous works have been vandalized over the past few months. A spokesAnimal for Park Police said they are “currently involved in a thorough investigation of the matter” but cannot comment on the specifics of the case at this time.

GooseBook’s fortunes fall on news of PIFF 2013 shutout

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GooseBook Logo

GooseBook’s fortunes fell on Friday after Thursday morning’s announcement that cackle-enabled devices will not be lent to filmgoers this year nor will they even be allowed inside the Park Cinema during PIFF 2013’s Noon Nuttiness screenings.

The social network site, which is the parent company of cackle (as well as peck), stood to add to its financial base through a group of private investors who had planned to support the company in its new endeavours. But after Thursday’s announcement by PIFF Communications President Leola Ocelot, the group withdrew its offer of support, a spokesAnimal for the investors told The Mammalian Daily.

“The group [of investors] does not feel that the time is right for them to invest in GooseBook. Unfortunately, Park Animals continue to associate the company with the violence that broke out during the 2012 Noon Nuttiness screenings, even though the company was not involved in any way and publicly condemned the violence. Although the group is supportive of GooseBook, it has decided to hold off allying itself with the company until such time as GooseBook is able to repair its relationship with the public,” the spokesAnimal said.

Although some financial experts regard the loss of these private investors as “sounding the death knell” for GooseBook, the company’s CEO and President, Lester C. Gander said in a statement today that he is confident the company will find the support it needs “from both the public and investors.”

GooseBook was the brainchild of the late Cesar Emilio Gander, who founded the site while a student at the University of West Terrier. After his untimely death in 2009, as a result of a collision with a passenger aircraft, Lester Gander assumed the position of CEO and President. With Gander at the helm, the company has grown and the membership of all three social media sites has tripled in the past year.

Group claims responsibility for Park’s mountain of garbage

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Mountain of garbage

The anti-tourism group NoPARKing has claimed responsibility for the mountain of garbage that is obstructing access to The Park’s northern entrance

The anti-tourism group NoPARKing has claimed responsibility for the mountain of garbage that is obstructing access to The Park via its northern entrance.

In a statement released this morning, NoPARKing president Emmanuelle Musaraigne said that she and her group are proud of the work they have accomplished so far on behalf of The Park’s citizenry.

“It took our members all night to build this mountain of garbage and we are confident that this concrete representation of the damage that unrestricted [Human] tourism can do to The Park will change the way both residents and government see this issue,” the statement read.

Constructed entirely of garbage left in The Park by Human tourists, the mountain rises 30 metres high and stretches across 50 metres.

Park Police were notified of the “mountain” shortly after dawn this morning, a spokesAnimal said.

“We immediately attended at the site and confirmed the incoming reports. Shortly thereafter, the group in question confirmed their involvement and we took steps to halt any further construction at the site,” the Police spokesAnimal said.

Balthasar Alouatta, press secretary to the Archons, said neither the Archons nor the Park Finance Office had any plans to alter the 2014 Budget, which awarded 3% of the total to the promotion of tourism.

“While we take our citizens’ concerns seriously, we have no plans at this time to alter our vision for the future of The Park,” Alouatta said on behalf of the Archons.

   Related articles:

New rules: PIFF lays down the law before announcing films

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Park Interspecial Film FestivalTwo days before announcing the roster of films that will screen at the 9th annual Park Interspecial Fllm Festival, PIFF Communications President Leola Ocelot convened an early morning press conference to announce what she calls “the new rules.”

Exhibiting a no-nonsense attitude, Ocelot read from a prepared statement and then took questions from the media.

In the statement, she confirmed that PIFF 2013 would include a number of items that were introduced last year. Most notable of these was “Noon Nuttiness,” the name given to the practice of screening comedies only between the hours of 12:00 and 2:00 pm at the Park Cinema.

The difference this year, Ocelot said, is that patrons will not be allowed to bring any technological devices into the cinema. Last year, a riot broke out during a Noon Nuttiness screening, when angry protesters stormed the cinema and demanded that patrons hand over their cackle-enabled devices. The devices had been lent to the patrons by cackle’s parent company, GooseBook, so that filmgoers could share their favourite moments with friends.

“We cannot allow the Festival to be overtaken by theft and violence,” Ocelot said this morning. “And as a result, we decided not to renew the device-lending agreement with GooseBook at this time. We will be reviewing this option every year and making our decisions on a year-to-year basis,” she said.

Also returning in 2013 are PIFF Pockets, or pocket films, which are films that do not exceed three minutes in length and that have been made specifically for the Festival. Both pocket documentary and pocket fiction films will be screened at this year’s event, Ocelot said.

“We were overwhelmed by the number of submissions of pocket films this year. The popularity of this category exceeded our wildest expectations,” she said.

Once again, documentaries will make up a significant portion of the Festival’s offerings and, as an aside, Ocelot mentioned that she thought the Hot Dogs documentary category this year was “spectacular.”

The full lineup of films for the 9th annual film festival will be announced on Friday, August 16.  The Park Interspecial Film Festival runs from October 1-5, 2013.

Secret documents reveal reason for security funding decrease

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Top Secret Documents

Classified documents obtained by The Mammalian Daily reveal the real reason for decreased security funding in the 2014 Budget

Formerly classified documents obtained by The Mammalian Daily reveal the real reason for the decrease in security funding in the 2014 Park budget.

The documents, which were obtained by the newspaper four days ago, tell a chilling tale of plans by the 2013 Archons to establish an unpaid “militia-like” group of Park citizens to “keep the peace at public gatherings.”

The documents also confirm rumours that plans are afoot to establish the position of “Roving Cultural Ambassador.” Among the RCA’s duties, as described in the documents, is “establishing a rapport with Humans outside The Park, in order to foster a more harmonious relationship.” In other words, the RCA’s job, in part, will be to attempt to prevent Humans from committing crimes against Park citizens.

The confidential papers tell a far different story from the one told by Park Finance Officer Milton Struts when reporters asked about the four percent decrease in security funding.

“The Park has become a safer place over the past year,” he said at the August 1 budget presentation.

Yet actual crime and disturbance statistics obtained from the Department of Well-Being and Safety indicate that the number of calls to Park Police and the number of Police officers deployed to keep the peace at public events doubled last year, in part due to the strike by The Park’s Doves of Peace. But even without the Doves’ strike, which began in November 2012 and ended in February of this year, “2012 would still go down as a year of almost unending conflict,” says DWBS Director of Public Relations, Cornelius Kakapo.

After reviewing the documents, The Mammalian Daily reached out to the Archons, The Park Finance Office and the Park Police for comments. Only Gareth Shepherd, President of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW) responded.

“We are taking this very seriously,” he said.

“In addition to the practical, political, philosophical, and moral problems with this plan, our members stand to have untrained  and unpaid Park citizens usurp their jobs. We will not tolerate this kind of treatment of ourselves and of The Park. I am eager to hear what the Archons and the Park Finance Office have to say in defence of this preposterous plan.”

Weather, education, and tourism find a place in 2014 budget

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Park Expense Projections 2014

Click on the pie chart above to see details of the 2014 budget

Park Finance Officer Milton Struts believed he had a sweet secret to share this morning when he strode up to the press conference podium to release his Office’s expense projections for 2014, otherwise known as The Park Budget.

Displaying confidence in the PFO’s “tough decisions,” and assuming the budget would be “widely approved,” the smiling Struts assured reporters and observers that “we listened intently to Park Animals’ concerns” and that the PFO took them all into consideration when formulating the budget.

“We have attempted to be sensitive to issues that are important to Park citizens,” he said, before using his signature line to the media as the press conference concluded:

“We can’t bury our heads in the sand any longer.”

But, at the after-conference, many reporters and financial analysts had questions that seemed to surprise Struts.

Why, for instance, had both healthcare and security budgets been reduced, many asked, while groundskeeping and water had received a boost in funding? And, while no one seemed surprised that arts and sports funding as well as funding for special events had been reduced drastically (virtually halved since the 2012 budget was presented), many were genuinely puzzled by the bare bones budget set out for public education.

“I am shocked and disappointed,” said 2012 Archon Boniface Cuckoo.

“We (the 2012 Archons) wanted to make public education our legacy and we had the plan in place to do it, including building new educational venues and standardizing the curriculum. That can’t be done on 5%,” he said.

Predictably, the “mere 3%” allocated to tourism, as Struts called it, drew fierce criticism as an unnecessary and unwarranted expenditure and few seemed to believe Struts’s claim that weather would be better financed in the coming year.

“I think what they did was take a little from here, a little from there, and then put a different label on it. They thought they could placate us by giving weather its own place in the budget, but I don’t believe they’ve truly allocated any extra funding for it. We will have to see as things unfold,” said Kalliope Sun Bear, president of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP).

“Unless he has some real answers for us, Mr. Struts might find his sweet secret has turned a little sour,” she said.

Related articles:

Museum excavators recover beloved Park tome

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The AutoZOËography of ZoeCat

“The AutoZOËography of ZoeCat,” was recovered during excavations at the Park Museum. The book went missing ten years ago, seven years after the death of its author.

The book that was recovered by workers excavating at the site of the future Park Museum is a beloved Park tome that went missing ten years ago.

In a statement released to the press this afternoon, Catriona Cairn-Terrier, Chief Archaeologist at the Institute for the Study of Mammalian Life (ISML), confirmed the identity of the find.

“It is with great pleasure that I confirm for you today that, after extensive testing in our laboratories, we have concluded definitively that the book that was discovered during excavations at the site of the future Park Museum is, indeed, The AutoZOËography of ZoëCat,” the statement read.

Cairn-Terrier also commended the workers from Burrows and Beyond, the construction company that was hired to prepare the ground at the Park Museum.

“They called the ISML as soon as they found the book. They showed a real sensitivity to the find and I commend them for it,” she noted in the press release.

The book, which is much beloved in The Park, went missing ten years ago, after a storm toppled the display in which it was housed at the front of the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre. The book had resided there for seven years after the death of its author, ZoëCat, in 1996. Every day, a page was turned so that ZoëCat’s followers and other passersby could read a new entry.

“ZoëCat is revered in The Park,” says Park Historical Society President Clark Cascanueces.

“She was a great thinker; she had the highest IQ of any Animal in The Park and she was the older sister of Jor, our first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy. Her influence on him must have been immense,” he said.

In all, the book’s pages number 6,975 and span the years from her early Kittenhood until a month before her death. The autobiographical tome, which is filled with her personal, political, and philosophical musings, was never formally published and the book that was found by the excavators is believed to be the only extant copy.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

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