The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

AVN TV to turn its lens on Humans

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This Autumn, the AVN Television Network (AVN TV) will begin broadcasting a new live television series that will focus on Humans as they spend time in The Park.

AVN’s Chief Executive Officer Orville Condor and Program Director Izrine Corneille made the announcement at a press conference this morning.

“We [at AVN TV] have a unique perspective on The Park, and we want to use that perspective to serve our customers,” Corneille said. “This show is truly for the Birds. It will be amazing … watching them watch us watching them.”

Corneille said the show will be broadcast for two hours (one hour in the morning and one hour in the afternoon) every day of the week. The network’s initial contract with the show’s producers calls for the series to run for 12 consecutive months.

“We wanted to show Humans in every season, starting with the Autumn,” Condor said. 

The show is scheduled to begin on September 22.

AVN Television is a wholly-owned subsidiary of AVN Media, a Park-based media corporation whose holdings also include AVN Radio, CLucK Radio and The Avian Messenger.

Finance Office puts 2015 Budget info under embargo until Friday

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embargo

PFO puts budget info under embargo

Park Animals will have to wait until Friday to find out how the Park Finance Office (PFO) intends to spend its funds in the coming year.

In a directive to all media (now in possession of the 2015 budget), Park Finance Officer Milton Struts cautioned against disclosing any information until a scheduled press conference at noon on Friday.

The budget, which is already two weeks late, has been the subject of much speculation since The Mammalian Daily broke the story in July that the Archons planned to tackle the growing inequality among Park Animals by streamlining the 2015 budget.

According to a trusted source close to the PFO, changes in the budget could include eliminating the 3% of funds that were allocated to tourism and tourism promotion, returning arts and sports funding to the levels set in the 2012 budget (more than twice the 2014 levels), and shaving a bit off special events to pay for better weather, healthcare and refugee services.

Millicent Hayberry to host “Chipmunk Chinwag” after Mixed Nuts screening

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MillicentHayberry Actress Millicent Hayberry, who played the late Park writer Imogen Aardeekhoorn on both stage and screen, will host a “Chipmunk Chinwag” following the free encore screening of Mixed Nuts, her publicist has confirmed.

“Millicent will take questions about the film production, but she will also answer audience queries about Aardeekhoorn herself. Since the writer’s death last month, the public has exhibited an interest in her personal life as well as her professional life. Imogen and Millicent were friends and Millicent feels reasonably qualified to answer some of these questions,” the publicist said.

The free encore screening of Mixed Nuts is scheduled to take place at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre at 6:00 p.m. on October 2.

Park Interspecial Film FestivalThe Park Interspecial Film Festival will run 1-5 October, 2014.

PIFF 2014 to honour Aardeekhorn

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Park Interspecial Film FestivalThe 2014 Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF) will honour the memory of writer Imogen Aardeekhoorn.

At a press conference held this morning, PIFF Communications President Leola Ocelot confirmed that the festival will host a free encore screening of last year’s hit Mixed Nuts at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre on October 2 at 6:00 p.m.

“Playwright Imogen Aardeekhoorn was as beloved in The Park as she was important to our film industry,” Ocelot said. “We could think of no more fitting a tribute than to offer this screening of her brilliant work.”

“Imogen would have been very pleased and humbled by this gesture,” says the film’s producer Victoria Sciurini. Sciurini worked closely with Aardeekhoorn as the latter adapted her memoir for the big screen.

“She worried about translating the work to film after its huge success on stage. But, as I knew it would, that worry turned out to be unfounded.”

The Park Interspecial Film Festival will run from 1-5 October, 2014.

DWBS to move forward on plan to track Human foot traffic in Park

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Human foot traffic

BREAKING NEWS
The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) announced today that it is moving ahead with its plan to track Human foot traffic in The Park.

At a press conference held this morning, DWBS Director of Public Relations Cornelius Kakapo confirmed that the 2014 Archons had signed off on the controversial plan after several weeks of intense debate.

“This is a major milestone,” said Kakapo. “We are moving in the direction of ensuring the safety and security of Park Animals.”

The monitoring plan, which is scheduled to commence in mid-September, was originally proposed by an ad hoc group after the publication of what they called “disturbing” statistics surrounding the number of accidental deaths of Park Animals that occurred due to “trampling” and other types of collisions with Humans. The leader of the now-dissolved group was Fatima Formiga, great-great granddaughter of the renowned Park poet Aubrey Ant. Ant, a seventh generation Park citizen, was best known for his poem, “If the Shoe Fits.“ 

In a statement issued this morning, Formiga said she was “extremely pleased” to hear the news. She also wrote that it was “an honour for me and my family to have played a part in the solution to this devastating problem. It shows the power that poetry can have.”

To read Aubrey Ant’s famous poem, click here: If the Shoe Fits.

Park ART Walk: Saturday, August 16

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PAW logoThe organizers request the honour of your presence at the following event:

Park ART Walk
Saturday, August 16, 2014
10:00 am – 7:00 pm

The Park ART Walk is a one-day, juried art exhibition that showcases the artistic expression of Park residents. Showings will take place at participating art galleries, shops, theatres and cinemas. This year’s jury will include curators from the Park Museum of Contemporary Art and the Kipos Gallery.

The 2014 Park ART Walk will focus on the art of The Park’s refugees.

————————————————————————————-

The Park ART Walk wishes to thank its sponsors:

         
  The Nutbar       LeTwiggery     Amoltrud’s Aesthetics

       Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations

                                         The Tabby Club
Marine Mammal Bank    Sapsucker Savings and Loan             You’ve Earned Your Stripes™                             

 

Data from Long Gone Registry reveal cracks in Park’s refugee aid system

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Refugee leaving

Data suggest that Park refugees are not receiving effective aid

Statistics compiled for The Park’s Long Gone Registry reveal that close to a fifth of the refugees who seek a better life in The Park leave within five years of their arrival.[pullquote]These numbers show a lack of integration in the refugee aid system. – Angus Deerhound, Runaway Rovers[/pullquote]

The Registry, which was established to provide accurate population and participation records, began to collect data in the Spring of 2013 from The Park’s educational institutions, the Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, private physicians, and refugee aid organizations.

Much of the data collected relate to the movement (both in and out of The Park) of refugee Animals and, according to those who work in The Park’s immigrant aid groups, the data indicate a number of troubling trends.

“To begin with, these numbers show a lack of integration in the refugee aid system,” says Angus Deerhound, media relations representative for Runaway Rovers.

“We only know about their arrival if they seek help from one of our aid groups and it’s obvious that we aren’t keeping track of those we do manage to help. If they don’t show up again [at our offices]…unless we’ve found them housing…we don’t know if they’re still with us or have left. That’s not help. It’s temporary relief,” he said.

Talia Katsikas, founder and director of the Working Wounded Performing Arts Company agrees.

“To be honest, this is not news. We’ve known about this forever. And part of the problem lies in the full freedom that we grant all Animals who enter The Park. Most of us would find it offensive if we required Animals to report their comings and goings. So, we have to find a better way to encourage that voluntarily. And, so far, we haven’t put much thought into it,” she says.

The Long Gone Registry falls under the jurisdiction of the Department of Statistics and Records. At the time of this article’s publication, no response to The Mammalian Daily’s request for comment has been received from the department.

The more things change, the more Humans stay the same: Noreen

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Noreen

“Humans are unable to incorporate lessons from previous generations.” – Noreen

The more things change, the more Humans stay the same.

So concludes Noreen in her second academic article due to be published in the November issue of the prestigious Journal of Human Behaviour (JHB).

In the article, which is entitled, How Dubious Wisdom Leads to Human Folly, the Adjunct Professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier and Mammalian Daily advice columnist shares new insights into “what makes the Human world go around.”

“Around is the key word here, my research showed me,” says Noreen.

“After spending the better part of two years studying Human history, I had to conclude that their [Humans’] tendency to end up where they started is the fault of their inability to learn from their predecessors. They cannot seem to incorporate lessons from previous generations,” she says.

“They are a tenacious species and there is much to be admired in that. But they appear to be true catalysts. They change the world, but they remain unchanged. And, as we have seen, that can lead to long-term problems for all species.”

Noreen said she found the research very difficult to do, “because there were so many places along the way that cried out for a change of course, but that change of course was never taken.”

 

lovely-to-look-at-front-coverBuy Noreen’s book, Lovely to Look At: What Animals Should Know About Humans here.

Founding Families establishes fund in memory of Imogen Aardeekhoorn

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Founding Families Financial Corporation

FFFC has established a fund in memory of playwright Imogen Aardeekhoorn

The Founding Families Financial Corporation (FFFC) announced last night that it has established a fund in memory of beloved Park playwright, Imogen Aardeekhoorn. Aardeekhoorn died last month at her burrow.

In a press release dated August 1, the date of Aardeekhoorn’s memorial, Chief Financial Officer Karita Isbjørn said that in keeping with the corporation’s longtime support of the arts, the fund was established to assist emerging Park playwrights “whose truths may well sustain us through the ages.”

According to the press release, the fund will receive an initial one-time lump sum payment from the FFFC. Every year thereafter, the FFFC will match donations from Park residents and businesses. There is no established limit on the matching donations.

Founding Families also confirmed that it intends to hire a full-time, independent fund administrator who will, in turn, institute a “rotating council of artists and citizens” whose job it will be to choose the yearly beneficiaries.

The fund’s official date of establishment will be January 1, 2015. The first beneficiaries will be chosen in 2016.

The Park’s largest financial institution, Founding Families Financial Corporation was established by a number of The Park’s original families, including Groundhogs, Ground Squirrels, Arachnids, Hedgehogs, Beavers, Wasps, Polar Bears, Cattle and Bees, among others. It has a long history of supporting the arts and has been a regular contributor to the annual Part Art Walk (PAW).

Doves of Peace to host recruitment event last weekend in August

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Doves of Peace

Get your résumés ready! The Doves of Peace are hiring.

Get your résumés ready!

The Doves of Peace will be hosting a two-day recruitment event during the last weekend in August.

In a “beaks-up” communication released today, spokesBird Georgina Golub confirmed the rumour that for the first time in six years the Doves are hiring.

“Recent events in The Park, including the grooming house stampede of May 31, have driven home the need for us to widen our scope in terms of the number and types of events we attend. And, in order to do that, we must increase our numbers,” she said.

The Doves, who are a fully autonomous sub-group of Park Police, traditionally have been sent to attend all Park celebrations and days of significance. After consultations with regular Park Police, the Archons, and the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), the Doves decided it was time to expand their list of duties.

“We do not produce peace nor do we restore it,” Golub said in an interview on Chitter Radio.

“But we do encourage it and our presence at events does help to promote a sense of calm. We can’t underestimate the need for that these days and whatever we can do, we wish to do,” she said.

Golub said details of the recruiting event, which will be held at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre, will be released next week.

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