The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Security breach at LynxedIN leaves hundreds vulnerable

By

A security breach at LynxedIN has left The Park’s refugee Lynx population vulnerable.

A security breach at the network run by the LynxLink charity has left hundreds of The Park’s immigrant and refugee Lynx and their families vulnerable to abduction, incarceration, and murder.

A spokesAnimal for the charity, which assists immigrants to The Park through its LynxedIN network, told The Mammalian Daily that the charity discovered the breach late last night.

“We became aware of a problem with our systems and immediately shut down our network.  IT experts from the University of West Terrier arrived within an hour to help us,” she said.

Unfortunately, the IT help came too late for The Park’s Lynx. Experts discovered that the identities of hundreds of Lynx were stolen from the charity’s systems.

“It’s a worry, to be sure,” says LynxLink spokesAnimal Lucia Castilla. “Some very sensitive information has been stolen from our database, including the names and addresses of Lynx who have escaped from zoological parks and so-called ‘nature reserves’. The Humans who run these are very aggressive; they’ve been looking for these Lynx and they will stop at nothing to find them. Unfortunately, this has made it easier for them to do so.”

LynxLink confirmed that it has advised all Park Lynx of the problem and the charity has assured them that it will assist them in all ways possible to maintain their security within The Park.

“The safety of The Park’s Lynx is of paramount importance to everyone,” says a message on LynxLink’s web site this morning.

Park’s music makers at work on first interspecial song

By

For the first time in history, a group of The Park’s music makers have banded together to produce the first interspecial song.

The song was commissioned by The Board of Governors of The Park Museum and will be performed at the museum’s opening ceremonies in 2013.

A spokesAnimal for the museum’s Governors said the idea for the song came to the Governors while they were studying the architectural plans for the new museum.

“It all came together in their minds…the different stages in the development of The Park…the prehistory…the establishment of zoocracy,” he said. “It seemed fitting [to them] that we should celebrate how far we’ve come in a song.”

At last count, there were ten groups involved: The Canary Cousins, The Feral Four, Eggie and The Pigs, The Beasts of Burden, Les Chiens Débraillés, Scentient Beings, The DomEstyx, The Endeka Elephant Band, NIML, and rapper Will.o.be. The new grouping does not have a leader, Eggie of Eggie and The Pigs told The Mammalian Daily.

“We’re going to see if we can do this in a completely zoocratic way,” he said. He also confirmed that proceeds from the sale of the song will go to support the museum.

“We’re hoping the song will be successful enough to give the museum a financial boost,” he said.

With the working title of “The Promise of The Park,” the song appears to be on track to do just that.

Bad Boy Chef to open new restaurant at Park Museum

By

Bad Boy chef Tab Tricolore will open the PurrBoy Café at The Park Museum

Bad boy chef, Tab Tricolore, will open his next restaurant at The Park Museum, according to a statement released on July 15 by The Museum’s Board of Governors.

The new restaurant will be called the PurrrBoy Café and will serve formal lunches and dinners, as well as take-away meals for those on the go. The restaurant will commence service approximately two weeks before the museum’s opening ceremonies take place.

Insiders speculate that Tricolore will engage the services of Tagma Design for the new café’s décor. Tagma Design is the firm Tricolore has used for each of his four restaurants.

“Tab trusts them completely. I think he has definite ideas about what he wants for this restaurant. I think he wants it to be not only different, but special,” said a source who wished not to be named.

Tricolore has made headlines over the years for his penchant for wild scenes and sudden staff firings, as well as for occasionally pouncing on customers who complain about his food.

“Tab has little patience for customer complaints,” says his former saucier, Barry “Béarnaise” Burmilla. “He’s a perfectionist and he figures if you’re complaining, you just don’t get it,” he says. “He’s the same way with staff.”

To his credit, Tricolore says he will be hiring staff for the new restaurant “from within The Park”, as he has done for each of his restaurants. According to his web site, training will begin three months after all staff members are hired.

The Park Museum is scheduled to open in 2013.

CatsCare Foundation puts out urgent call on behalf of formerly domestic Cats and Kittens

By

The CatsCare Foundation has put out an urgent call to Park citizens to assist in the re-homing of hundreds of formerly domestic Cats and Kittens.

CatsCare Community Fundraiser, Elwanda Lynx, issued the call early this morning, as the charity began to run low on supplies for the Cats.

“Some of these Cats have never lived on their own,” she said. “They need everything — food, water, building materials for homes. There are mothers who have new litters, who need a place to stay for the next few weeks. We’re saying to any Animal in The Park who has room for these Cats, or can donate some time or money, please do so,” she said.

Lynx said the Cats are some of thousands who have begun to flee their homes outside The Park.

“I think we’re seeing the beginning of a movement…or even a revolution,” Lynx said. “Many of these Cats were abducted when they were Kittens. They know almost nothing about Park life, but they’ve chosen to take the risk and leave their comfortable domestic situations for the chance to pursue real lives as Cats. It’s our duty to help them as much as we can.”

Not all the Cats are leaving voluntarily, however, and not all are escaping “comfortable” situations.

According to CatsCare Re-Homing Specialist, Lisandara Puma, many of the Cats making their way to The Park have come from abusive situations and some of them have even been abandoned.

“Some have been left just outside The Park’s fence, just left there to find a new life on their own. And many of them lack not only the means, but the skills to move forward without help. And what we’re seeing more and more of is Cats who are coming to us with the signs of [having suffered] physical abuse. Many of them have no claws on their front paws or they’ve had their tails removed. These Cats will require special care,” Puma said.

For more information or to volunteer or make a donation, please contact CatsCare at 228-72273.

MMBP to sponsor “Archonic Visions” travelling exhibition

By

The Marine Mammal Bank of The Park announced on Friday that it has agreed to sponsor The Park Museum’s first travelling exhibition this year.

MMBP’s Chief Executive Officer, Alphonse Dolphin, made the announcement at a morning press conference. Flanked by members of the Museum’s Board of Governors, Dolphin said his bank “jumped at the chance” to partner with the Museum on such an important occasion.

“We are proud and honoured to be sponsors of this [travelling] exhibition,” he said. “The Marine Mammal Bank has a proud history, as do The Park and its citizens, and we look forward to a long and happy association with the new Museum.”

The exhibition, entitled “Archonic Visions,” will chronicle the changes that have occurred in The Park since the establishment of zoocracy thirty years ago. The exhibition will focus on the ideas and accomplishments of the Archons who served in the government from the first year of zoocracy until the end of 2010.

“Each set of Archons left its footprint and changed life in The Park in some way. We want to highlight that and at the same time, perhaps, awaken in our citizens the desire for a deeper understanding of our history,” said Sukuta Rhinoceros, a member of the Board of Governors and one of the museum’s founders.

Rhinoceros also hopes the travelling exhibition will increase Animals’ interest in the new museum. “We see this exhibition as an invitation to our fellow citizens…to join us on our journey,” he said.

Groundbreaking ceremonies for the new museum are scheduled for September. The museum is expected to open its doors late in 2013.

Hibernators blame calendar change for premature deaths

By

The Park’s hibernators blame calendar harmonization for the rise in deaths from premature awakening in their community over the last two years

With their friends neatly tucked in and enjoying a peaceful estivation, The Park’s hibernating communities have joined together to fight calendar harmonization, which they believe is at least partly responsible for the rise in deaths from premature awakening in their community.

“We wanted to wait until after the official estivation date to launch our fight,” said Oliver S.P. Franklin, head of the Confederation of Ground Squirrels (CGS) whose group initiated the action. “We didn’t want to alarm our friends or disturb their tranquility.”

Together, the hibernating groups plan to challenge the law known as “The Calendar Harmonization Act” in the hope of having it repealed.

“We’re confident that if we succeed in demonstrating the harm it [The Act] has done to our communities, the Archons will consider reinstating our original calendar,” Franklin says.

See also:
Archons to move forward on calendar harmonization
Thousands rally against calendar harmonization

To that end, the hibernators have enlisted the help of a group of researchers and statisticians, including Dr. Jagger Zebu, Professor of Mammalian Medicine at the University of West Terrier and one of the authors of a recent report that documents the rise in the incidence of deaths due to premature awakening among The Park’s hibernating citizens.

Premature awakening from hibernation is defined by The Park’s Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) as a situation in which an Animal awakens from hibernation 3-4 weeks before the official date. The situation results in death 99% of the time, as Animals are often unable to find adequate sustenance so early in the season.

According to the report, deaths from premature awakening have risen 30% in the last two years.

“Coincidentally, that is the same length of time the new calendar has been in operation,” says Cormac Nuttallii, a member of the Idiosyncratic Hibernators of The Park (IHOP) and a vocal critic of calendar harmonization. His group has joined forces with the other hibernating communities to “see that justice is served,” he says.

Beasts of Burden to open pub in Autumn 2012

By

The Draft will open in Autumn

The Beasts of Burden will be singing a different tune come Autumn when the doors to their new pub open in The Park’s trendy east end.

The six-Animal band, whose hits include “Donkey Hot,” “Pack of Lies,” and “The Day the Oxen Rose,” has been little heard of since their sold-out performance here late in the Summer of 2006. But now, according to their manager, they’re ready to make a comeback.

“They took some time off…to rest, to care for their families,” says Ignatius Herder, who has managed the group since their first big hit in 1994. “But they’re ready, able and more than willing to get going again. They’re positively champing at the bit,” he says.

And the Beasts have ambitious plans: first, the opening of their pub, The Draft, in late September. Then, the release in January of a new collection of songs.

Will a tour follow?

“We’re going to wait and see,” says Herder. “They’ll be pretty busy with the pub for at least a few months.”

Central Bank of The Park closed tomorrow for mid-year tally

By

The Central Bank of The Park will be closed tomorrow, June 30, for its mid-year tally. It will re-open on Monday, July 2.

The tally dates back to pre-zoocratic days, when the Central Bank served both as a governing body and as a functioning bank, offering a full range of financial services to Park Animals. Since the establishment of zoocracy, the Central Bank’s main role has been to oversee The Park’s commercial banks and to advise on monetary policy, thus ensuring the viability of The Park’s financial system.

Both the Bank’s mid-year and end-of year-tallies have come under criticism lately from several commercial groups in The Park, including the Park Association of Shops and Servcies (PASS), whose members say that closing the Bank for two or more days a year for the purpose of an audit is an anachronism that impedes productivity and gives a negative impression of The Park.

The Bank has, thus far, not responded to the criticism.

Archons’ plan to promote Park tourism draws criticism

By

A plan initiated this Spring to promote tourism in parts of The Park has met with criticism from a number of Animal groups.

The plan, which was revealed to the public just days ago, was conceived by Chief Archon George Irving Nathan Gallagher Newt, according to a source close to the Archons.

Newt, who became Chief Archon in January of this year, was the owner of a profitable recreational facility when he was chosen by lottery to serve as Archon. His plan to make The Park an attractive venue for non-residents has infuriated a number of Animal groups, who question the wisdom of inviting outsiders to spend more time in The Park.

“Personally, I don’t understand the whole thing,” says Ferit Kokarca, President of Skunks Against Gunk. “They come here and make use of our beautiful facilities, but they don’t add anything substantial to the economy,” he says.

Wellington Whistlepig, founder and current president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) concurs: “It’s not as if they buy anything from our shops,” he says.

In the meantime, The Park’s environmental groups, incensed by the plan, have decided that action speaks louder than words. Some particularly infuriated members of the group, Keep Your Paws out of Our Ponds, have set up barriers in the new tourist areas in the hope of discouraging return visitors.

Still, there are those who see positive aspects to welcoming tourists to The Park.

Park Finance Officer, Milton Struts, says studies have shown that other Parks have benefitted “not just financially, but culturally” from interacting with outsiders. And André-Philippe Campagnol, the new owner of the popular Park restaurant, The Compost Heap, says his eatery has been the beneficiary of “a significant windfall” since tourists have begun frequenting The Park.

“We’re finding that we’re able to offer a wider variety of fare this summer,” he says.

Radical group claims responsibility for leaked report

By

The radical political group, ArchonWatch, has claimed responsibility for intercepting a secret report that includes details of planned changes to some of The Park’s core laws.

The radical political group, ArchonWatch, has claimed responsibility for intercepting a secret report on Wednesday.

The report, which was leaked to The Mammalian Daily, includes details of planned changes to some of The Park’s core laws.

“We are proud to take responsibility for informing The Park’s citizens of plans that will affect them adversely. We hope that, by doing so, we may be able to prevent the further erosion of zoocracy,” the group said in a statement released this morning.

The group, whose stated goals are “to support zoocracy and freedom in The Park,” traces its origins to the foundation of zoocracy 30 years ago. Its most recent public campaigns have been in support of establishing annual elections for the selection of Archons, rather than continuing the present system of sortition or lottery. The group is also rumoured to have financial ties to other political groups in The Park, including Lizards for Liberty and Produce for Progress.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

December 2025
M T W T F S S
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
293031