The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2016—Winter Solstice celebration unofficial kick-off to zoocracy’s 35th birthday bash

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Next week’s celebration of the Winter Solstice will not only be spectacular, it will be “a taste of things to come,” according to Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations.

In fact, the annual Winter festival will be the “unofficial kick-off” to The Park’s year-long celebration of the thirty-fifth anniversary of zoocracy.

The “totality of Park life” will be celebrated in 2017, not just Animal self-rule, Kanariar told reporters at a press conference yesterday.

“Every aspect of our culture, our politics, and our life here will be represented in our 2017 celebrations,” she said. “It will be a chance for all of us to come together and acknowledge this great thing that we have accomplished in The Park.”

And, should you feel a case of Non-Hibernators’ guilt coming on, Kanariar was quick to assure that “every Animal’s species and way of life will be recognized” and every Animal will have a chance to attend the many events planned for 2017.

As for the Winter Solstice, Kanariar said the full schedule will be released on the weekend.

OTD in 2014—With or without him, Tricolore’s resto to serve food at Winter Celebration

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Tab Tricolore

The celebration will go on, with or without Tab Tricolore

The celebration must go on, they say. So, with or without their boss, Tab Tricolore’s restaurant will be serving food at the Celebration of the Winter Solstice on December 21.

In a statement released this morning, Aintza Kanariar, public relations director of The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals and Celebrations confirmed that Tricolore’s family restaurant, Clowder, will be among the establishments providing the celebration’s festive fare.

“We checked with Clowder’s manager and he says all systems are go,” Kanariar said when asked to elaborate on the subject in a radio interview this afternoon.

“I think we all feel that it’s what Tab would want,” she said.

In an article published yesterday in The Silvestris Star, Tricolore’s former saucier Barry “Béarnaise” Burmilla said all Tricolore’s staff members were “pulling together” to make sure the restaurants ran smoothly in their boss’s absence.

“We miss him and we need him, and we want to make sure that there are no problems for him when he finally returns,” Burmilla said.

In the meantime, Park Police say they have no news on Tricolore’s whereabouts.

OTD in 2014—UWT Human Studies course will use television to teach Human motivation

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University of West Terrier coat of armsThe Department of Human Studies at The University of West Terrier has green-lit a new course that will use footage of Human television shows to teach students about Human motivation.

In a brief announcement posted on the university’s web site yesterday, the President and the Board of Governors of the university confirmed the addition of the new course to the undergraduate curriculum.

“The President and Governors of the University of West Terrier and the head of the Department of Human Studies are pleased to announce the expansion of the Department’s curriculum in 2015,” the announcement reads.

As of September 2015, the announcement says, students who are attending the University and have completed at least one full year of study will be eligible to enrol in the new course, which is listed as HS 207.

Although the course description has not been finalized, the head of the Human Studies Department confirmed that learning materials will include footage of television shows that are made by and watched by Humans.

“Thanks to an agreement signed last January between the University of West Terrier and the Avian Messenger’s ‘Birds on the Wire,’® service, we have been able to obtain footage of some Human television programming. This material has proven to be extremely valuable in the understanding of  Human motivation and the Human value system and we feel fortunate to be able to offer this to our students,” she said.

The announcement did not include any information regarding the course instructor, but many believe the department will appoint Noreen, since she has expertise in the field. The adjunct professor is currently on leave to promote her book, Lovely To Look At: What Animals Should Know About Humans and will return to her teaching duties in the Autumn.

The full announcement from the University can be read here.

OTD in 2013—Rapper Will.o.be. says he’s ready to stand trial Monday

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Rapper Will.o.be.

INTERVIEW

Rapper Will.o.be. sips spring water from a bowl.

“I want to keep my voice healthy and strong…for this interview and for the trial. I want to tell my story and I don’t want to sound the least bit hesitant,” he states.

Even so, he has limited this interview to ten minutes, so that he can continue to get into shape for his trial on Monday.

His legal representative, Sebastian Shepherd, lies a few feet away from him. Shepherd is a partner in the prestigious Park law firm of Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd. He can see all and hear all but he promises he won’t intervene.

“The truth needs no clarification,” he says bluntly.

The rapper flicks his whiskers, anticipating a barrage of questions, only a few of which he’s prepared to answer. Nevertheless, he displays a lovely demeanour; he is not nearly as aggressive offstage as he is when he is performing.

“Without giving away too much,” he offers, “a lot of that is an act. But do I feel rage? Yes, I do. And I believe that we all should.”

These days, his rage is focused mainly on the three charges he plans to fight before a judge on Monday: two charges of assault on an Oak Tree and one charge of mischief.

“This whole thing is outrageous,” he states firmly. “I unequivocally deny that I ever did such a thing [sharpening his claws on an Oak Tree] — not on the night in question or ever in my life.”

There are witnesses, those who were in attendance at the Beats of Burden Music Festival, who say they saw him do just that. But there are no photographs.

“The evidence, as such, amounts to hearsay,” the rapper says. “And not only hearsay, but worse. It’s a scheme to defame me and my music, to say that I have no respect for The Park, to punish me for my success because not all of it came from The Park.”

This is not the first time Will.o.be. has made that charge. And this is what is true: much of his success has come from his time performing outside The Park.

“They say I objectify Animals, that I allow myself to be laughed at by Humans and others…that it’s not my music but my so-called antics that have made me successful. Well, I dispute that. I don’t play for Humans. I don’t expect them to understand. If they buy tickets to my concerts, I can’t help that, but I have used that money to help Park Animals. Before, they could only criticize me for the Human element at my concerts. But, with this new charge, they’ve drilled deeper. They’re saying that I have no respect for other forms of life and that is despicable. And they’ve kept me away from my beloved Park Trees for almost three months.”

As the interview draws to a close, Will.o.be. offers to show me his claws, the ones that he is accused of sharpening on a Tree that is a cousin to The Park’s much-revered Ancient Oak. I question the gesture: no matter how they look, they can provide no evidence of anything, so many months after the charges were laid.

But, as it turns out, I may be wrong. The rapper who is so in-your-face about Animals living a “natural” life appears to have his claws professionally clipped on a regular basis.

“And that’s just a preview of my evidence,” he says, purring.

See also:  Rapper Will.o.be. to stand trial for defacing Tree at music fest

Rapper Will.o.be. will stand trial on Monday. Watch this space for up-to-the-minute reports.

OTD in 2014—Newspaper editorial should not be ignored, say Park’s aid groups

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Rodent CommonerAn editorial published last week that has ignited a firestorm of protest, has endangered the life of its writer, and has resulted in a curfew and a ban on travel outside The Park “should not be ignored,” say members of The Park’s aid groups.

“[Reporter Gunnar Espen] Rotte makes a valid point, in that you don’t have to have stripes or spots to be treated badly, inside or outside The Park,” says Rosbritt Piggsvin, head of the aid association Rodents at Risk.

“Almost all of us have all suffered from some sort of prejudice in our lives,” she says.

Inez Gallina, president of the immigrant aid group Home to Roost, agrees: “It’s not just prejudice. It’s more than that. I sometimes think it’s a holdover from the way we’re treated outside The Park. I think it spills over into our immigrants’ lives here. Native Park citizens make assumptions about us, based on what they’ve heard outside The Park. It can be devastating to a new immigrant, especially a refugee,” she says.

But Hendrik Dalmatiër of the Spotted Animal Alliance says these Animals are missing the point.

“This is not a contest about which Animal has a harder time. There is no winner here; there are only losers. It is our opinion that if a Park treats its Animals differently on the basis of appearance, we are all losers. And there is plenty of evidence that that happens,” he says.

OTD in 2014—Police impose curfew, ban on travel amid protests and disappearances

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FCSW President Gareth Shepherd

Gareth Shepherd: curfew, ban on travel outside The Park

DEVELOPING STORY
After an overnight series of consultations with the Archons and the Department of Well-Being and Safety, Park Police announced today that they have imposed a curfew on Park residents and a ban on travel outside The Park.

Gareth Shepherd, a 17-year veteran of the force and president of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW), made the announcement this morning at a hastily-arranged press conference.

The announcement read as follows:

Due to recent events, including violent protests, threats on the lives of Park Animals, and a number of mysterious disappearances, the Archons and the Park Police have made the decision to impose order on The Park by establishing a 10:00 p.m. curfew on all residents, as well as a ban on travel outside The Park.

More details of these arrangements will be made public shortly. For now, please be advised that officers will be permanently stationed at all Park exits and will begin making rounds at 9:50 this evening.

Park Police and the Archons are appealing to all residents to respect this decision. It was made with the welfare of all in mind.

Shepherd also confirmed that they have enlisted the assistance of the Does of Peace in this effort.

The new restrictions come into effect tonight, December 8, 2014.

This story will be updated as more information is gathered.

OTD in 2015—DWBS, UWT, Extinction Anxiety Clinic team up to fight Non-Hibernators’ Guilt

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Non-Hibernators' Guilt

The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS), the University of West Terrier School of Medicine, and The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic are teaming up to add might to the fight against Non-Hibernators’ Guilt (NHG).

At a small ceremony this afternoon, representatives of all three will be on hand to open the first of five pop-up clinics that will appear around The Park throughout the Winter. The clinics will serve NHG sufferers and will host information sessions to raise awareness of a condition that experts say has become “the scourge of the Winter season.”

“I think our hibernating population has been so successful in its awareness and outreach programmes over the last few years that, in a way, the result has been an increase in the number of NHG cases,” explains Dr. Gudrun L. Gibbon, a Park psychotherapist and staff member at the Extinction Anxiety Clinic.

“We’ve become so aware—hyper-aware, I would say–of the difficulties and perils of hibernation that we’ve come to believe, somehow, that we’re undeserving of the ease of our own lives,” she says.

Dr. Chloris Cougar, a researcher at the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine, agrees.

“Not to take anything away from our hibernators, whose bodies and psyches withstand so much, but I think the story has gotten a bit skewed. Just because your species doesn’t hibernate or estivate doesn’t mean that your life is in any way easy. The goal is not to feel guilty, but to maintain respect for ourselves and our own way of life, while empathizing as much as we can with others. That’s the message we’ve tried to impart at our public information sessions in the past. Now, we’ll be able to do it one-on-one with NHG sufferers and their friends and families,” she says.

The first pop-up clinic will open this afternoon at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm. It will operate seven days a week, from noon until nine o’clock, until January 15, 2016.

OTD in 2014—Your government needs YOU: Archons, PFO to host pre-budget consultations

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New budgetWith little more than six weeks to go before their term ends, the 2014 Archons have decided to consult Park citizens before they release the revised version of the 2015 budget.

At a press conference yesterday, press secretary to the Archons Balthasar Alouatta confirmed that the Archons, in conjunction with the Park Finance Office (PFO), will be hosting a “consultation event” at the Wishing Well between 10:00 a.m. and 9:00 p.m. both days this weekend.

“They felt it was important for them to hear what citizens and residents had to say regarding funding in the new year,” Alouatta said. “There have been so many complaints and our last budget was so controversial, it seemed appropriate to take it directly to Park Animals.”

After former Park Finance Officer Milton Struts was relieved of his duties last month, the Archons were expected to table a new budget by the end of November. But that has proven impossible for a number of reasons and the decision was taken to consult “those who are most affected by the budget.”

“The idea of consulting the populace originated with the Archons even though, as the de facto heads of the Park Finance Office, they are ultimately responsible for the budget,” Alouatta said.

“They want to hear what Park Animals have to say, but make no mistake. The budget stops with them,” he said.

OTD in 2014—Tab Tricolore disappearance: Police to hold press conference this afternoon

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C Astrid H AntBREAKING NEWS
Park Police announced this morning that they will hold a press conference at 1:00 p.m. for the purpose of updating Park citizens on the disappearance of chef Tab Tricolore.

In attendance will be Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of the Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU), Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU) and C. Astrid H. Ant, Head of The Park’s Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS).

OTD in 2013—Celebrity Park chef collaborating with others on cookbook

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Tricolore book

Tab Tricolore, The Park’s most famous (and infamous) chef, has confirmed that he is collaborating with a group of Park chefs on an interspecial cookbook.

The busy chef and author won the 2013 Chitter Radio Literary Award in non-fiction for “The Feral Roots of our Festive Cuisine,” a book that is part memoir and part cookbook. Tricolore also owns and runs four restaurants in The Park and is planning to open a fifth (The PurrrBoy Café at the Park Museum) in the near future.

The other five chefs involved in the project hail from different species, but all have one thing in common: they are generally long-lived Animals. Hence, the working title of the book: “Recipes for a Long Lifespan.”

“That title has a double meaning, though,” Tricolore said in an interview recently. “These recipes all come from a fairly long-lived group, but they are also recipes for foods that are good for you. If you use them [the recipes], you can have a longer lifespan, too. But, of course, there are no guarantees,” he warned.

What is guaranteed is that the meals cooked using these recipes will be delicious.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

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