Satirical fiction in newspaper form
BREAKING NEWS
Park Police announced this morning that they will hold a press conference at 1:00 p.m. for the purpose of updating Park citizens on the disappearance of chef Tab Tricolore.
In attendance will be Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of the Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU), Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU) and C. Astrid H. Ant, Head of The Park’s Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS).
Tab Tricolore, The Park’s most famous (and infamous) chef, has confirmed that he is collaborating with a group of Park chefs on an interspecial cookbook.
The busy chef and author won the 2013 Chitter Radio Literary Award in non-fiction for “The Feral Roots of our Festive Cuisine,” a book that is part memoir and part cookbook. Tricolore also owns and runs four restaurants in The Park and is planning to open a fifth (The PurrrBoy Café at the Park Museum) in the near future.
The other five chefs involved in the project hail from different species, but all have one thing in common: they are generally long-lived Animals. Hence, the working title of the book: “Recipes for a Long Lifespan.”
“That title has a double meaning, though,” Tricolore said in an interview recently. “These recipes all come from a fairly long-lived group, but they are also recipes for foods that are good for you. If you use them [the recipes], you can have a longer lifespan, too. But, of course, there are no guarantees,” he warned.
What is guaranteed is that the meals cooked using these recipes will be delicious.
Sierpinski Squirrel has joined the Archon Transition Team.
ATT spokesAnimal N.V. Hoatzin made the announcement at a short press conference yesterday afternoon.
“We are pleased to announce that Sierpinski Squirrel has joined the Archon Transition Team. We are confident that he will make an excellent team member and we look forward to working with him for a long time to come,” Hoatzin said.
The Squirrel, who is Chief Financial Officer of A. Corn and Partners, replaces Blandine Okapi, who resigned her position on the team last year, citing “philosophical differences.” This new appointment brings the team back up to its regular membership of thirteen and comes just in time for the annual transition preparations.
The addition of Sierpinski to the team was hailed by many in The Park’s political community, particularly those who are avid supporters of sortition, the lottery system by which The Park’s thirty-five Archons are chosen annually.
“I think Sierpinski was by far the best choice,” said Sylvana Rana in a radio interview this morning. The president of Save Our Political System (SOPS) said Sierpinski has “proven his loyalty to zoocracy” through his support of the political system that was established by Jor, The Park’s first leader.
The other members of the Archon Transition Team expressed their approval, as well. In a joint press release issued this morning, they welcomed Sierpinski and confirmed that the team’s first meeting would be held on December 15.
The Park’s hibernating community will breathe a collective sigh of relief today.
Less than a full day before this year’s new official date of hibernation, the Park Election Office finally has been able to declare a winner in the 2014 POPS election.
PEO head Gerritt Wezel made the announcement this morning at a hastily-arranged but well-attended press conference.
“The Animal who will fulfill the rôle of 2014 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring is Solange Graciela Marmotte,” he said.
Reading from a prepared statement, Wezel thanked Park citizens for their patience and commended his staff and all the volunteers who joined the recount effort.
“Without your help, I would still be counting votes and Park citizens would have lost all confidence in this process,” he said.
As it is, many Park citizens have expressed their disillusionment with the POPS selection process after this year’s fiasco. Nevertheless, many seem willing to let bygones be bygones and to move forward with their plans for hibernation.
“This is definitely something we will have to revisit come Spring,” said Killeen Echidna, president of The Monotreme Alliance. Echidna spoke on Toro Talk Radio as part of a discussion forum on the subject after the election announcement was made.
“In the meantime, we’re grateful to have had a bit more time to prepare for hibernation. Now, we’ll all be glad to go under and Solange [Marmotte] has our full confidence. She will do a great job as POPS in February,” she said.
It wasn’t just his specist lyrics. Or the direction his tentacles pointed. Or even the tattoo (unprintable in this newspaper) on his shell.
It was, as the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) put it, “a combustible combination of the three” that led them to call Park Police to remove rapper SnailMale from the stage at this past weekend’s Stereotype Sunday.
Speaking at a press conference this morning, Cornelius Kakapo, Director of Public Relations for the Department of Well-Being and Safety, said although the department would not press charges against the rapper, he most definitely would be banned from performing at major events in The Park “for some time.”
“We believe he intended to be incendiary and that is his prerogative when he performs on his own at events that he has organized and that Animals have paid to attend. But it was absolutely inappropriate to bring that type of attitude and set list to an open event and, particularly, to an event that is organized to promote interspecial harmony,” Kakapo said.
According to Kakapo, most attendees were in agreement with the department’s decision to remove the rapper from the stage mid-performance.
“We had an enormous amount of feedback on this and I would say ninety percent of it is positive in terms of our actions,” he said.
SnailMale, whose songs are known to be angry and aggressive, has displayed specist tendencies in the past, but he has also been a supporter of interspecial harmony in The Park. In an open letter on his web site posted yesterday, the rapper said he was “unfairly treated and unjustly removed” from the event.
“They knew my work when they invited me to perform. So, why did they remove me for being who I have always been?” he asked.
Dr. Jagger Zebu, Professor of Mammalian Medicine at the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine has been awarded the prestigious Eureka Prize, it was announced today.
The announcement came in a statement issued this morning by the editorial board of the scientific journal Eureka. The board, which awards the prize annually for “pioneering research and innovative experimentation,” called Dr. Zebu a “a meticulous scientist and a pioneer in harrumphocyte research.”
Dr. Zebu, whose name appeared earlier this month on Eureka’s “Seventeen to Watch in 2017” list, led a team of researchers who were the first to pinpoint the location of harrumphocytes in Mammals. Harrumphocytes are the cells that are believed to be responsible for producing feelings of primary apathy and secondary negativity in Mammals.
When the research was published in March of this year, Dr. Zebu said he believed the breakthrough would offer a “much-improved” life to Mammals who suffer from harrumphocyte imbalance.
Although Dr. Zebu has not commented on the award, the Board of Governors of the University of West Terrier posted a congratulatory message on the university’s web site this morning.
The 2012 Archons have revealed the second prong of their “three-pronged” plan to promote tourism in The Park.
At a press conference held this morning, Chief Archon George Irving Nathan Gallagher Newt proudly announced that a “major construction project” will take place in The Park this Winter, with the building and erection of a number of signposts. The signposts, Newt said, will direct tourists to Park “hot spots” and make their time spent here significantly more pleasant.
“I know if I didn’t live here, I wouldn’t know where to start,” Newt said, adding that, for those who live outside it, The Park is a vast untapped resource for sports, entertainment and fine dining.
“And once The Park Museum opens, there will be even more reason to visit,” he said.
The signpost project will be overseen by Simply Structures, one of The Park’s leading construction companies. A spokesAnimal for the company said she thought the project would be completed by the end of Winter.
The Archons’ plan to promote The Park as a tourist destination, initiated this past Spring, has continued to meet with resistance from individual Park citizens, environmental groups and some businesses, who say the financial gain from tourists does not offset the physical damage to The Park and the disruption of Park life.
See also:
Attendees at this year’s Celebration of the Winter Solstice will not have the opportunity to enjoy ZEAL’s music live.
In a communiqué issued this morning, The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations announced that the popular Park singer has backed out of his commitment to perform at December’s festivities.
“We regret to announce that ZEAL will not be performing at this year’s Celebration of the Winter Solstice,” the communiqué said.
While the department’s announcement gave no reason for the cancellation, a post on ZEAL’s web site said “unforeseen conflicts” had “made it impossible” for him to perform at the celebrations this year.
In a follow-up statement, Aintza Kanariar, the department’s Director of Public Relations, said that while she regrets ZEAL’s withdrawal from the celebration, “We do have a stellar lineup to offer that includes musical performers, dancers, and many other artists of the highest calibre. We wish ZEAL well in his endeavours and we hope he will be able to join us at future celebrations.”
The Celebration of the Winter Solstice begins at sunrise on Monday, December 21. Food will be served until 11:00 pm. The Solstice will occur at 11:49 pm Local Park Time (LPT).
The Department of Well-Being and Safety is warning Park Animals against the practice of stripe removal.
In a communiqué released today, the department advised Animals to be “cautious and thoughtful” before they make the decision to remove stripes and spots from their coats.
“While the practice of stripe removal may have its origins in a perceived necessity or to a lesser extent, fashion, the Department of Well-Being and Safety is concerned that it may lead to serious health and safety issues down the road,” the department says in the communiqué.
“Animals should never forget the origins of their [physical] makeup. Stripes and spots are an essential part of who you are. If you remove them, you put yourself at risk, particularly if you venture outside The Park. There, you will have neither the advantage of natural camouflage nor the protection of zoocracy. The possibility exists that you will fall prey to enemies,” the communiqué concludes.
The department’s strong statement comes in response to recently published statistics that show stripe removal to be the most sought-after service offered by The Park’s grooming houses.
Marmot wrestling team logo.
Park Police say they are closing in on the abductors of the Marmot wrestling team, which went missing during the 2013 Interspecial Summer Games.
No member of the team has been seen since September 26. Police were called to investigate when the team failed to show up on September 27 for the wrestling competition, which they were favoured to win. At that time, Police reported they had found evidence of a struggle and possible abduction. They later confirmed they had elevated the investigation to that of an abduction after a review of the evidence. That evidence included a trail of hair that led outside The Park and a small pile of shavings that they believe came from a wooden box.
In a short statement released this morning, Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU) said her officers believe they have located the hiding place outside The Park that was chosen by the team’s abductors.
The IIU, which is an independent division of the Police force’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU), joined the investigation in mid-October, when the SHCU determined definitively that the abduction was an interspecial crime. The IIU’s mandate is to investigate “all occurrences in which the suggestion of specist intent is present.”
No motive for the crime has been determined as yet, a spokesAnimal for SHCU Chief Inspector Maurice Addax told The Mammalian Daily.
“Our concern at the moment is for the team,” the spokesAnimal said. “We will be able to determine more about the motive after we have the abductors in custody and the team members are safe and back in their homes.”
Concern for the well-being of the team grows every day, the spokesAnimal said, since they should already have gone into hibernation.
“Every day that they are away and, presumably, conscious, the risk to them grows greater. That is why we are hoping for a positive outcome very soon,” he said.
