The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2016—Winter Solstice celebration unofficial kick-off to zoocracy’s 35th birthday bash

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Next week’s celebration of the Winter Solstice will not only be spectacular, it will be “a taste of things to come,” according to Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations.

In fact, the annual Winter festival will be the “unofficial kick-off” to The Park’s year-long celebration of the thirty-fifth anniversary of zoocracy.

The “totality of Park life” will be celebrated in 2017, not just Animal self-rule, Kanariar told reporters at a press conference yesterday.

“Every aspect of our culture, our politics, and our life here will be represented in our 2017 celebrations,” she said. “It will be a chance for all of us to come together and acknowledge this great thing that we have accomplished in The Park.”

And, should you feel a case of Non-Hibernators’ guilt coming on, Kanariar was quick to assure that “every Animal’s species and way of life will be recognized” and every Animal will have a chance to attend the many events planned for 2017.

As for the Winter Solstice, Kanariar said the full schedule will be released on the weekend.

OTD in 2014—Newspaper editorial should not be ignored, say Park’s aid groups

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Rodent CommonerAn editorial published last week that has ignited a firestorm of protest, has endangered the life of its writer, and has resulted in a curfew and a ban on travel outside The Park “should not be ignored,” say members of The Park’s aid groups.

“[Reporter Gunnar Espen] Rotte makes a valid point, in that you don’t have to have stripes or spots to be treated badly, inside or outside The Park,” says Rosbritt Piggsvin, head of the aid association Rodents at Risk.

“Almost all of us have all suffered from some sort of prejudice in our lives,” she says.

Inez Gallina, president of the immigrant aid group Home to Roost, agrees: “It’s not just prejudice. It’s more than that. I sometimes think it’s a holdover from the way we’re treated outside The Park. I think it spills over into our immigrants’ lives here. Native Park citizens make assumptions about us, based on what they’ve heard outside The Park. It can be devastating to a new immigrant, especially a refugee,” she says.

But Hendrik Dalmatiër of the Spotted Animal Alliance says these Animals are missing the point.

“This is not a contest about which Animal has a harder time. There is no winner here; there are only losers. It is our opinion that if a Park treats its Animals differently on the basis of appearance, we are all losers. And there is plenty of evidence that that happens,” he says.

OTD in 2013—Pivotal moment in Jor’s life highlighted in new biography

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Pivotal moment in Jor's lfie

A new biography of The Park’s first leader highlights a pivotal moment in Jor’s life, and it is a moment for which all residents of The Park will feel gratitude, says the book’s author.

“There was a time, during Jor’s early years, when he wasn’t working toward interspecial harmony, when such pursuits hadn’t even entered his mind,” says Daphne D.S. Katze.

“Up until then [this turning point], he was a regular Cat. And only those very close to him, such as his sister Zoë (also known as ZoëCat), knew what happened that fateful day and how it changed him. He went from being a domestic Cat in pursuit of Feline pleasures, to [being] a champion of all species and a hero to many,” Katze says.

According to its publisher, Prionailurus Press, Katze’s book stands out from all the other biographies of the founder of modern zoocracy because she was given “unfettered access” to his papers, as well as all other documents concerning him, including The AutoZOËography of ZoëCat, the now-recovered autobiographical work of his older sister.

“Daphne [Katze] was able to glean so much from that alone. Even without looking at the other material, she would have had a book that tells us more than we have ever known about Jor,” says Momoko Yamaneko, Editor-in-Chief of Prionailurus Press.

Katze’s book, Jor: The Extraordinary Life of an Ordinary Cat, is scheduled to be released early in the new year.

OTD in 2014—Police impose curfew, ban on travel amid protests and disappearances

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FCSW President Gareth Shepherd

Gareth Shepherd: curfew, ban on travel outside The Park

DEVELOPING STORY
After an overnight series of consultations with the Archons and the Department of Well-Being and Safety, Park Police announced today that they have imposed a curfew on Park residents and a ban on travel outside The Park.

Gareth Shepherd, a 17-year veteran of the force and president of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW), made the announcement this morning at a hastily-arranged press conference.

The announcement read as follows:

Due to recent events, including violent protests, threats on the lives of Park Animals, and a number of mysterious disappearances, the Archons and the Park Police have made the decision to impose order on The Park by establishing a 10:00 p.m. curfew on all residents, as well as a ban on travel outside The Park.

More details of these arrangements will be made public shortly. For now, please be advised that officers will be permanently stationed at all Park exits and will begin making rounds at 9:50 this evening.

Park Police and the Archons are appealing to all residents to respect this decision. It was made with the welfare of all in mind.

Shepherd also confirmed that they have enlisted the assistance of the Does of Peace in this effort.

The new restrictions come into effect tonight, December 8, 2014.

This story will be updated as more information is gathered.

OTD in 2015—Sierpinski Squirrel replaces Blandine Okapi on Archon Transition Team

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Sierpinski Squirrel Sierpinski Squirrel has joined the Archon Transition Team.

ATT spokesAnimal N.V. Hoatzin made the announcement at a short press conference yesterday afternoon.

“We are pleased to announce that Sierpinski Squirrel has joined the Archon Transition Team. We are confident that he will make an excellent team member and we look forward to working with him for a long time to come,” Hoatzin said.

The Squirrel, who is Chief Financial Officer of A. Corn and Partners, replaces Blandine Okapi, who resigned her position on the team last year, citing “philosophical differences.” This new appointment brings the team back up to its regular membership of thirteen and comes just in time for the annual transition preparations.

The addition of Sierpinski to the team was hailed by many in The Park’s political community, particularly those who are avid supporters of sortition, the lottery system by which The Park’s thirty-five Archons are chosen annually.

“I think Sierpinski was by far the best choice,” said Sylvana Rana in a radio interview this morning. The president of Save Our Political System (SOPS) said Sierpinski has “proven his loyalty to zoocracy” through his support of the political system that was established by Jor, The Park’s first leader.

The other members of the Archon Transition Team expressed their approval, as well. In a joint press release issued this morning, they welcomed Sierpinski and confirmed that the team’s first meeting would be held on December 15.

OTD in 2013—POPS fans, we have a winner (finally)!

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Solange Marmotte

The Park’s hibernating community will breathe a collective sigh of relief today.

Less than a full day before this year’s new official date of hibernation, the Park Election Office finally has been able to declare a winner in the 2014 POPS election.

PEO head Gerritt Wezel made the announcement this morning at a hastily-arranged but well-attended press conference.

“The Animal who will fulfill the rôle of 2014 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring is Solange Graciela Marmotte,” he said.

Reading from a prepared statement, Wezel thanked Park citizens for their patience and commended his staff and all the volunteers who joined the recount effort.

“Without your help, I would still be counting votes and Park citizens would have lost all confidence in this process,” he said.

As it is, many Park citizens have expressed their disillusionment with the POPS selection process after this year’s fiasco. Nevertheless, many seem willing to let bygones be bygones and to move forward with their plans for hibernation.

“This is definitely something we will have to revisit come Spring,” said Killeen Echidna, president of The Monotreme Alliance. Echidna spoke on Toro Talk Radio as part of a discussion forum on the subject after the election announcement was made.

“In the meantime, we’re grateful to have had a bit more time to prepare for hibernation. Now, we’ll all be glad to go under and Solange [Marmotte] has our full confidence. She will do a great job as POPS in February,” she said.

OTD in 2016—Archons unveil plans for celebration of 35th anniversary of zoocracy

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35-plus-borderThis January, The Park will begin a year-long celebration of our thirty-five years of Animal self-rule, the Archons announced today.

At a press conference this morning, Chief Archon Abayomi Tanishia Cuckoo revealed some of the plans that she said have been underway for a couple of years—and through several sets of Archons.

“This was the first file that our transition team was handed,” she said, “and we were the third set of Archons to work on it.”

And, according to Cuckoo, they will not be the last. The 2016 Archons, whose tenure ends in mid-January, will hand over the celebration’s reins to the next group of Archons.

“It would have been unfair not to allow them to contribute to a celebration of which they will be so much a part,” she said.

The plans announced today include art gallery and museum exhibitions, the publication of commemorative books and photographs, concerts, and a large number of public celebrations, full of, as Cuckoo put it, “great food and fun.”

“We’ve worked with institutions and groups including the Park Historical Society, the University of West Terrier, the Institute for the Study of Mammalian Life, and, of course, The Park Museum, to bring a wide range of experience and views to the celebration of our lives under zoocracy. But, now, we’re inviting our citizens, the great Animals who have made The Park a successful zoocracy, to share their ideas,” she said.

To this end, Cuckoo announced that the Archons, in conjunction with the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, will host a dedicated web site to collect Park citizens’ thoughts, memories, and celebration ideas. More information on the site will be forthcoming.

“This will be a celebration of and for all,” she said.

OTD in 2011—Police call for calm after specist handbook discovered in Park

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The Archons of The Park, in conjunction with the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW) have issued a call for calm throughout The Park after the discovery of what appears to be a specist handbook.

The book, which was discovered under the Ancient Oak Tree early this morning, is written in the Human English language, experts say. Language specialists at the University of West Terrier are currently studying the book and its contents. In a statement issued at midday, they said they plan to make a full report to the Archons as soon as they have completed their study.

The book was discovered by Rodnina Owl, police confirmed. The Owl was reportedly eating a snack in the Tree, when she noticed something shiny at the base.

“The glossy cover caught my eye and I swooped down to see what it was,” she said in an interview on PBC  Radio late this morning. “I was shocked when they told me what it said.” The Owl does not speak any Human languages.

In their appeal for calm, the Archons emphasized the need for patience on the part of Park Animals.

Two hours after the Archons issued their appeal, Balthasar Alouatta, press secretary to the Archons, fielded questions from residents and media. The major concerns were for Animal security, with many calling for barricades and some suggesting pre-emptive strikes. Calls for an all-out war, fuelled by rumours that Humans intend to take over The Park, were quickly dismissed by FCSW President, Gareth Shepherd.

“We cannot afford to react until we know the full extent of the assault,” said Shepherd.

OTD in 2016—”We must all come together now,” says newly-elected POPS Ditmar Bosmarmot

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Ditmar BosmarmotThe POPS election is over for this year and we must all come together now, Ditmar Bosmarmot told a massive crowd last night just minutes after he was declared the 2017 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS).

“This has been a very difficult and contentious election. A lot of things have been said that can’t be taken back, so we must remember them and use them to make The Park a better and a more unified place,” he said.

As he and the six previous holders of the position encircled one of the farewell Trees of Hearts, Bosmarmot remarked that when he emerged again in February, zoocracy in The Park would be celebrating its thirty-fifth birthday.

“This will be a historic year for all of us,” he told the cheering crowd. “We should all be proud of ourselves for sustaining Animal self-rule against all odds. I look forward to continuing this journey with you after Groundhog Day.”

OTD in 2016—Election Office scrambles to meet today’s deadline to declare a winner

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ballot-boxThe Park Election Office (PEO) is scrambling to count all the votes cast in the November 7 election for Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) by midnight tonight in order to announce a winner before the hibernating community takes its leave for the Winter.

In an early morning interview on TMD Radio,  PEO head Gerritt Wezel said he and his team would “do anything” to avoid the situation that occurred three years ago, when the vote counting took so long that hibernation had to be postponed for weeks.

“That took its toll on the whole Park, emotionally, as well as physically,” he said.

Wezel also confirmed that he’d asked the members of the Maple Tree Project, who organize the Tree of Hearts sendoff for hibernators, to postpone the hanging of the hearts until late in the afternoon. According to Wezel, former Chief Archon Dewi Rhinoceros, who initiated the project, agreed to hold off until about five o’clock.

The election results will be broadcast across all Park media as soon as they are known.

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