The Mammalian Daily

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On This Day—August 25, 2013: Banded Brothers to hold benefit concert for Avian population

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In response to The Department of Well-Being and Safety’s latest advisory to The Park’s Avian population, the musical group Banded Brothers announced that it will hold a benefit concert this Spring.

“We are very concerned about our population’s vulnerability outside The Park,” said the band’s manager Kostas Kotsifas. “And this new warning makes it seem even more urgent for us to help.”

The DWBS advisory, which was issued three weeks ago, alerts The Park’s Avians to the dangers they may face when flying outside The Park. It reads, in part:

Be vigilant at rest stops and when visiting the nests of friends. Be aware that traps have been set by Human “researchers” who will attempt to tag or band your feet. If you are captured, head back to The Park as soon as you are set free. It is important that you access the services of the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm as soon as possible.

The benefit concert will take place at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre on May 19, Kotsifas said. Tickets will go on sale May 1. All proceeds from the sale of tickets will go to a special fund that the Banded Brothers have established to help offset the cost of medical care.

“Band removal is very expensive, as the Brothers know from experience,” Kotsifas said.

The Banded Brothers also have partnered with the University of West Terrier School of Medicine to establish a multifaceted health programme called the Avian Health Initiative (AHI).

On This Day—August 15, 2016: “I smell a Rat,” Stinktier cries, as Rotte jailed after Stereotype Sunday stunt

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GunnarGunnar Rotte was hauled off to jail yesterday afternoon, after what he calls a “social experiment gone awry.”

According to a spokesAnimal for Park Police, The Rodent Commoner journalist was arrested for disturbing the peace and jailed for inciting violence at The Park’s weekly Stereotype Sunday.

The charges stem from Rotte’s actions yesterday, when he arrived at the weekly event disguised as a Skunk, claiming he was visiting family. Rotte contends he was trying to prove that Skunks receive more hospitality in The Park than Rats.

What he failed to anticipate, however, was that his “experiment” would offend Park Skunks.

It didn’t take long for him to find out, though. After about half an hour of walking around the Ancient Open-Air Theatre, tasting snacks and questioning other attendees, Faramund Stinktier, of the SCENTient Beings, outed him, declaring for all to hear, “I smell a Rat!”

The singer and composer, who was born a Skunk but now identifies as a Zebra, spoke to The Mammalian Daily by telephone this morning. He says he was incensed by the idea that a Rat would pose as a Skunk for the purpose of claiming that Skunks’ lives are easier than those of Rats.

“I may not feel in my heart as though I’m a Skunk, but I have experienced my entire life as a Skunk and I know it isn’t easy. We are are shunned by many, including Humans, and we suffer the same trauma as any other Animal in that position. I take offence to what Gunnar Rotte did and I believe he should apologize to the entire Skunk population of The Park,” he said.

Rotte will appear before Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon this afternoon. He will be represented by Pernilla Varghund, junior partner in The Park’s oldest law firm, Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd.

On This Day—August 14, 2016: A peek at Holstein Fashion’s “Creations from the EDAM Collection”

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The Park Museum’s exhibition, Creations from the EDAM Collection, enters its third week tomorrow. The wildly popular exhibition of one hundred and seventy-five items of clothing that were created exclusively for June’s Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM) has attracted a record number of visitors to the museum and has thus far surpassed all expectations in terms of support for Holstein Fashion’s charity, EQUALSS.

As a gesture of goodwill toward those unable to attend the exhibition, the museum has allowed The Mammalian Daily to display a small number of the creations on its web site. The slideshow appears below.

We wish to thank the museum for its generosity.

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On This Day—August 10, 2012: New photographs of Jor surface on gossip web site

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Previously unpublished photographs of Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy, have surfaced on the gossip web site, headsNtales.

The pictures, which show Jor in some compromising positions, were posted on the site early this afternoon, according to PotWatcher, The Park’s foremost web-watching organization.

PotWatcher says the pictures appeared “without warning and without any mention of their provenance” on the headsNtales site.

“They were just…suddenly there,” said Rufus Gordon Gaupe, President and CEO of PotWatcher.

Posting the pictures is not technically illegal, though it is, in the words of a spokesAnimal for Park Police, “in poor taste”.

Many of the pictures were taken when George Livingstone Barnaby Cuthbert, known to Park citizens as “Jor”, was living as a domestic Cat.

“There are pictures of him with Humans, pictures of him playing with small toys and sleeping and eating with what appears to be another domestic Feline,” Gaupe says.

Political analysts have been quick to weigh in on who might be responsible for the posting.

“I think we can safely say that anti-zoocratic forces are at work here,” said Ronald Grouse, chief political analyst at The Avian Messenger. “It’s obvious this is meant to be a blow to Jor’s reputation…a way to discredit him and what he stood for, which is the concept of Animal self-rule.”

Despite requests for clarification from a number of Park newspapers, including The Mammalian Daily, headsNtales has refused to comment on the posting.

On This Day—August 7, 2013: Secret documents reveal reason for security funding decrease

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Top Secret Documents

Formerly classified documents obtained by The Mammalian Daily reveal the real reason for the decrease in security funding in the 2014 Park budget.

The documents, which were obtained by the newspaper four days ago, tell a chilling tale of plans by the 2013 Archons to establish an unpaid “militia-like” group of Park citizens to “keep the peace at public gatherings.”

The documents also confirm rumours that plans are afoot to establish the position of “Roving Cultural Ambassador.” Among the RCA’s duties, as described in the documents, is “establishing a rapport with Humans outside The Park, in order to foster a more harmonious relationship.” In other words, the RCA’s job, in part, will be to attempt to prevent Humans from committing crimes against Park citizens.

The confidential papers tell a far different story from the one told by Park Finance Officer Milton Struts when reporters asked about the four percent decrease in security funding.

“The Park has become a safer place over the past year,” he said at the August 1 budget presentation.

Yet actual crime and disturbance statistics obtained from the Department of Well-Being and Safety indicate that the number of calls to Park Police and the number of Police officers deployed to keep the peace at public events doubled last year, in part due to the strike by The Park’s Doves of Peace. But even without the Doves’ strike, which began in November 2012 and ended in February of this year, “2012 would still go down as a year of almost unending conflict,” says DWBS Director of Public Relations, Cornelius Kakapo.

After reviewing the documents, The Mammalian Daily reached out to the Archons, The Park Finance Office and the Park Police for comments. Only Gareth Shepherd, President of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW) responded.

“We are taking this very seriously,” he said.

“In addition to the practical, political, philosophical, and moral problems with this plan, our members stand to have untrained  and unpaid Park citizens usurp their jobs. We will not tolerate this kind of treatment of ourselves and of The Park. I am eager to hear what the Archons and the Park Finance Office have to say in defence of this preposterous plan.”

On This Day—August 5, 2015: UWT to investigate allegations of unethical experimentation on Humans

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UWT COATBREAKING NEWS

The University of West Terrier announced today that it has initiated an investigation into allegations of unethical experimentation on Humans.

The announcement came in a statement signed by the President and Governors of the University and posted on the university’s web site.

According to the statement, the allegations under investigation stem from research conducted by the Department of Human Studies. No researchers or areas of research are named and the statement emphasizes the broad nature of the investigation:

The university wishes to emphasize that this is an investigation into alleged misconduct and that no particular member of our faculty or student body is under investigation at this juncture.

The investigating team consists of several UWT faculty members who serve the university independently of the Department of Human Studies. These include Dr. Chloris Cougar, Dr. Fionnula L. Fox, Dr. Hume T. Goat, Dr. Luule Aednik, and Dr. Simone Gibbon. Other team members are Dr. Berthilidis Strix, Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit, and Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon. Dr. Milada J. page4image31040Goose, head of the Honking Hollow laboratory at the University of West Terrier and a senior member of the Committee to Oversee Scientific Research in The Park (COSRIP) will oversee the team and the investigation.

Although no time frame for a final report by the investigating team was mentioned in the statement, a spokesAnimal for the university told The Mammalian Daily that the administration is committed to conducting the investigation in a fair and timely manner.

On This Day—August 1, 2013: Weather, education, and tourism find a place in 2014 budget

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Park Finance Officer Milton Struts believed he had a sweet secret to share this morning when he strode up to the press conference podium to release his Office’s expense projections for 2014, otherwise known as The Park Budget.

Displaying confidence in the PFO’s “tough decisions,” and assuming the budget would be “widely approved,” the smiling Struts assured reporters and observers that “we listened intently to Park Animals’ concerns” and that the PFO took them all into consideration when formulating the budget.

“We have attempted to be sensitive to issues that are important to Park citizens,” he said, before using his signature line to the media as the press conference concluded:

“We can’t bury our heads in the sand any longer.”

But, at the after-conference, many reporters and financial analysts had questions that seemed to surprise Struts.

Why, for instance, had both healthcare and security budgets been reduced, many asked, while groundskeeping and water had received a boost in funding? And, while no one seemed surprised that arts and sports funding as well as funding for special events had been reduced drastically (virtually halved since the 2012 budget was presented), many were genuinely puzzled by the bare bones budget set out for public education.

“I am shocked and disappointed,” said 2012 Archon Boniface Cuckoo.

“We (the 2012 Archons) wanted to make public education our legacy and we had the plan in place to do it, including building new educational venues and standardizing the curriculum. That can’t be done on 5%,” he said.

Predictably, the “mere 3%” allocated to tourism, as Struts called it, drew fierce criticism as an unnecessary and unwarranted expenditure and few seemed to believe Struts’s claim that weather would be better financed in the coming year.

“I think what they did was take a little from here, a little from there, and then put a different label on it. They thought they could placate us by giving weather its own place in the budget, but I don’t believe they’ve truly allocated any extra funding for it. We will have to see as things unfold,” said Kalliope Sun Bear, president of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP).

“Unless he has some real answers for us, Mr. Struts might find his sweet secret has turned a little sour,” she said.

Related articles:

On This Day in 2016: Draft Summit update: farmers demand end to Human Direct Investment in Park

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Draft with borderAfter two weeks of what appeared to be promising Tuesday and Thursday meetings, the Draft Summit talks have stalled, according to A.P. Civet, president of The Park’s Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF).

“We’ve come to an impasse,” Civet wrote in a press release on Friday morning.

But the issue that has stalled the talks—Human Direct Investment in The Park—has “absolutely nothing” to do with the problem the Summit was called to resolve, a frustrated Kalliope Sun Bear told Mammalian Daily Radio this morning.

Sun Bear, who represents the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP), one of the three groups participating in the Summit, said that while she understood the SCPCPGF’s concerns about HDI, she thought the talks should focus on the issue at hand.

“The Summit was called to discuss the effects of technology on The Park’s food supply, but it’s now veered off in another direction entirely,” she said.

But Civet insists that unless HDI is dealt with swiftly, there will be no food to find, with or without apps.

“Unless we convince the Archons, the Park Finance Office, and the Department of Well-Being and Safety that allowing Humans to farm in The Park is a danger to our food supply, we have nothing to discuss with regard to technology. All the BulbBeacons, FoodFinders, SpinachSpotters, and TulipTrackers will come to nothing if we don’t take back control of our farmlands,” Civet wrote in the press release.

Human Direct Investment dates back to January of 2011, when the sitting Archons, in conjunction with the Park Finance Officers, agreed to “rent” out portions of The Park’s farmland to Humans for their personal use. The agreement explicitly allowed for use of the land for the purpose of growing food for the exclusive consumption of Humans.  An investigation conducted five years ago by The Park Police Force’s Undercover Operations Unit (UOU) concluded that the HDI deal was responsible for some of the food shortages experienced in The Park. The Archons have never revealed what the PFO does with the monies collected from the rent.

In the press release, Civet wrote that he will not resume his place at the Summit table until he has met with the Archons, the PFO and the DWBS to discuss the issue. No meeting has yet been scheduled.

Mark your calendars for these important January 2023 events

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January is one of The Park’s busiest months. To make sure you don’t miss anything, mark these dates on your calendar:

January 1-15: Eat, Drink, and Be Merry, For Tomorrow You May Have to Govern
Because we use the sortition method to select our Archons every January, we are all aware that this duty may fall to us. So, in the days leading up to the selection and announcement, spend time with your friends and family, and enjoy yourself. You may not have much time to do so in the coming year.

January-December 2023 
It’s hard to believe, but it’s been more than a full decade since The Park harmonized its calendar with the outside world. The Park Museum is planning to celebrate this occasion all year long, with a lineup of special events that will be announced monthly. Check their web site for details: Park Museum.

January 6: Otter Ice Slide Opens
We’re lucky to host all four seasons in The Park and we do enjoy our Winters. As it happens, our Otters know a thing or two about Winter fun, too, and they’re generous enough to share it with the rest of us. So, get yourself over to the Otter Ice Slide while it’s still cold out. There’s no feeling quite like it!

January 6-10: “Sortition Shakes” Pop-Up Clinic Learn more about this newly-identified condition that affects a large percentage of The Park’s adult population. The clinic will be staffed by therapists from the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine, The Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, and the Extinction Anxiety Clinic, who will spend at least fifteen minutes with each patient. No appointment is necessary. No time for therapy? Just stop by and take Dr. Chloris Cougar’s 10-point test and leave with an explanatory brochure. Either way, a visit here will ease your nerves.

January 7-14: Special Pre-Archon Selection Series of Discussions with Park Authors
In the week leading up to the announcement of the 2022 Archons, proprietor Wyuna Winkle of The Literary Apothecary will host a series of politically-oriented discussions and debates with prominent Park authors. Don’t miss your chance to hear Pieter Paard, Yoshita Tigru, Dr. Berthilidis Strix, Inari Marakatti, Magnus P. Marmoset, and Beatrice Zilonis, among others.

January 12 : “Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Park Government”
Be prepared! If your name comes up, you’ll want to serve honourably and intelligently. Fortunately, historians Pieter Paard, Beatrice Zilonis, and Clark Cascanueces as well as political philosopher Magnus Marmoset have you covered. Their crash course is designed to teach you everything you’ll need to know about zoocracy, sortition, and the duties of Archonship. Open to all and free of charge, but reservations required. Location: University of West Terrier.

January 13: Extinction Anxiety Clinic Open House
For the fifth time since its opening, The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic—which in August will celebrate a decade of serving The Park’s citizens and residents—will host an Open House. Both locations will welcome guests from 10:00-4:00 for some frank talk about Extinction Anxiety, Non-Hibernators’ Guilt, and the effects of the Human Crisis on Park Animals. Information on the the newest treatment options will also be available. Refreshments will be served courtesy of Chef Tab Triocolore’s grassRoutes restaurant and The Battering Ram Café.

Park ArchonsJanuary 15: New Archons Announced
In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons will be posted at the Law Courts early on the morning of January 15, an hour after the selection is certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.

The list will remain posted at the Courts until the end of the week, so that all citizens and residents may review the names. The list will also be published in the January 15 edition of The Mammalian Daily.

January 16: Archons sworn in (half-day holiday)
For the selected Archons, the swearing-in ceremony will be a first; for Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon, it will be his twenty-third. The ceremony is always meaningful and poignant, and a reminder of our great fortune to live under Animal self-rule.

January 1- March 31: The Park Museum presents, “The Means and the Message: An Appreciation of the Prognostication Pad”
This multimedia exhibit honours not only those who have been elected Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), but the means they’ve used to make their predictions: the prognostication pad.

The Winterlong exhibit showcases the evolution of the prognostication pad throughout the past decade, putting the pad in historical context, and demonstrating the way in which its use has changed the office and duties of the prognosticator as well as the way in which spectators view the prediction.

January 29: University of West Terrier Annual Open House
The annual open house at The Park’s most renowned research institution attracts hopeful would-be students, alumni, and all those interested in higher education. Come for the tour and the snacks, but stay for the annual speaker. You’ll never be disappointed!

Lead-up to Groundhog Day
One of our most important holidays (if not the most important), The Park’s Groundhog Day celebration will include, of course, the prognostication, the Archons’ address, and the welcoming home of our hibernators. Shadow or no shadow, this year’s GD celebration is sure to be a great one. See you there!

Mark your calendars for these important January 2022 events

By

January is one of The Park’s busiest months. To make sure you don’t miss anything, mark these dates on your calendar:

January 1-15: Eat, Drink, and Be Merry, For Tomorrow You May Have to Govern
Because we use the sortition method to select our Archons every January, we are all aware that this duty may fall to us. So, in the days leading up to the selection and announcement, spend time with your friends and family, and enjoy yourself. You may not have much time to do so in the coming year.

January-December 2022 
It’s hard to believe, but it’s been a full decade since The Park harmonized its calendar with the outside world. The Park Museum is planning to celebrate this occasion all year long, with a lineup of special events that will be announced monthly. Check their web site for details: Park Museum.

January 6: Otter Ice Slide Opens
We’re lucky to host all four seasons in The Park and we do enjoy our Winters. As it happens, our Otters know a thing or two about Winter fun, too, and they’re generous enough to share it with the rest of us. So, get yourself over to the Otter Ice Slide while it’s still cold out. There’s no feeling quite like it!

January 6-10: “Sortition Shakes” Pop-Up Clinic Learn more about this newly-identified condition that affects a large percentage of The Park’s adult population. The clinic will be staffed by therapists from the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine, The Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, and the Extinction Anxiety Clinic, who will spend at least fifteen minutes with each patient. No appointment is necessary. No time for therapy? Just stop by and take Dr. Chloris Cougar’s 10-point test and leave with an explanatory brochure. Either way, a visit here will ease your nerves.

January 7-14: Special Pre-Archon Selection Series of Discussions with Park Authors
In the week leading up to the announcement of the 2022 Archons, proprietor Wyuna Winkle of The Literary Apothecary will host a series of politically-oriented discussions and debates with prominent Park authors. Don’t miss your chance to hear Pieter Paard, Yoshita Tigru, Dr. Berthilidis Strix, Inari Marakatti, Magnus P. Marmoset, and Beatrice Zilonis, among others.

January 12 : “Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Park Government”
Be prepared! If your name comes up, you’ll want to serve honourably and intelligently. Fortunately, historians Pieter Paard, Beatrice Zilonis, and Clark Cascanueces as well as political philosopher Magnus Marmoset have you covered. Their crash course is designed to teach you everything you’ll need to know about zoocracy, sortition, and the duties of Archonship. Open to all and free of charge, but reservations required. Location: University of West Terrier.

January 13: Extinction Anxiety Clinic Open House
For the fifth time since its opening, The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic—which in August will celebrate a decade of serving The Park’s citizens and residents—will host an Open House. Both locations will welcome guests from 10:00-4:00 for some frank talk about Extinction Anxiety, Non-Hibernators’ Guilt, and the effects of the Human Crisis on Park Animals. Information on the the newest treatment options will also be available. Refreshments will be served courtesy of Chef Tab Triocolore’s grassRoutes restaurant and The Battering Ram Café.

Park ArchonsJanuary 15: New Archons Announced
In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons will be posted at the Law Courts early on the morning of January 15, an hour after the selection is certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.

The list will remain posted at the Courts until the end of the week, so that all citizens and residents may review the names. The list will also be published in the January 15 edition of The Mammalian Daily.

January 16: Archons sworn in (half-day holiday)
For the selected Archons, the swearing-in ceremony will be a first; for Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon, it will be his twenty-third. The ceremony is always meaningful and poignant, and a reminder of our great fortune to live under Animal self-rule.

January 1- March 31: The Park Museum presents, “The Means and the Message: An Appreciation of the Prognostication Pad”
This multimedia exhibit honours not only those who have been elected Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), but the means they’ve used to make their predictions: the prognostication pad.

The Winterlong exhibit showcases the evolution of the prognostication pad throughout the past decade, putting the pad in historical context, and demonstrating the way in which its use has changed the office and duties of the prognosticator as well as the way in which spectators view the prediction.

January 29: University of West Terrier Annual Open House
The annual open house at The Park’s most renowned research institution attracts hopeful would-be students, alumni, and all those interested in higher education. Come for the tour and the snacks, but stay for the annual speaker. You’ll never be disappointed!

Lead-up to Groundhog Day
One of our most important holidays (if not the most important), The Park’s Groundhog Day celebration will include, of course, the prognostication, the Archons’ address, and the welcoming home of our hibernators. Shadow or no shadow, this year’s GD celebration is sure to be a great one. See you there!

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