The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

On This Day—October 7, 2016: Officer charged with injuring Doe of Peace at PIFF after-after party

By

Police Officer charged

FCSW officer Paulus Koer

A Park Police officer has been charged with two counts of biting after a member of The Park’s peacekeeping force was injured during an outbreak of violence at last night’s PIFF after-after party.

Witnesses say that Doe of Peace Rozmonda Ricke, was “just doing her job,” separating the crowd at The PurrBoy Café, when a member of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW) approached her from behind and pulled her tail.

According to Ricke, who has been a member of the Does since the group was founded in 2014, there was “no time” to look around to see what was happening.

“I was focused on my job, which was to de-escalate the violence that suddenly had erupted at the café,” she said in a sworn statement early this morning.

When she did not respond to the tail-pulling, Paulus Koer, the FCSW officer, allegedly bit her on the back in an attempt to stop her from walking through the crowd. According to his statement, the second bite was necessary because the alleged victim “paid no attention to my first warning.”

The FCSW officer will appear in court today, where a date for trial will be set.

FCSW president Gareth Shepherd is expected to hold a press conference later this afternoon.

On This Day—September 26, 2016: Would Millicent Hayberry’s acting career give her an edge in POPS debate?

By

Millicent campaignMillicent Hayberry has more than four weeks to confirm her candidacy for 2017 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), but that hasn’t stopped political commentators and others from speculating on the effects her candidacy—and her career— would have on one of The Park’s few elected positions.

In an op-ed piece published today in The Simian Spectator, Magnus P. Marmoset, who holds the University of West Terrier’s Simian Chair in Political Philosophy, writes that he believes her candidacy would change the POPS landscape forever.

While Marmoset has always supported the decision to, as he puts it, “transition [the position] from an inherited one to a merited one,” he says he has mixed feelings about elections.

“So much of the election process is about performance, about favouritism, about alternate abilities, about things that do not relate at all to qualifications or to the position itself,” he writes.

And even though members of species other than Groundhogs have thrown their hats in the ring for POPS, Marmoset thinks that Hayberry’s candidacy would be a “game changer.”

“Her vocal skills, her acting skills, her reputation, her fame. These are the things she would bring to the table in addition to belonging to the hibernating class. I don’t doubt her prognostication skills or that she would be a good candidate. But I wonder if the other candidates will have an equal chance to appeal to the electorate if Millicent is among them. And I wonder whether future candidates will be reluctant to run if they can’t match her skills. I think it could have a lasting effect,” he writes.

On This Day—September 23, 2016: Heads up! Something’s Fishy at Park’s upcoming Stereotype Sunday

By

SomethingFishyBlueplusBorderSomething fishy is up this weekend in The Park: our usual Stereotype Sunday is about to go underwater to bring us more in touch with the lives of our piscine population.

At a joint press conference this morning, Balthasar Alouatta, spokesAnimal for the Archons and Cornelius Kakapo, Director of Public Relations for the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) made the announcement.

“The Park’s Stereotype Sundays just celebrated their third birthday this past Summer. While we are proud of what we’ve been able to accomplish with this initiative, we realize there is so much more work that needs to be done. For this reason, we’ve decided to add a theme to one week out of our four Stereotype Sunday gatherings. We feel that a theme will better enable us to understand each other by allowing us to focus on one particular group and we are happy to announce that this Sunday we will be focusing on our piscine population,” Alouatta said.

Though he declined to answer reporters’ questions, Kakapo did say that they chose to focus on The Park’s Fish this week because “our Fish have not received as much attention as have other groups.”

From now on, the themed Stereotype Sundays will occur on the last Sunday of every month.

On This Day—September 20, 2016: Justice orders Rotte, Stinktier to meet after Sunday’s Spoken Word incident

By

Mr Justice Augustus DindonMr. Justice Augustus Dindon has ordered the legal representatives of Gunnar Rotte and Faramund Stinktier to arrange a meeting between the two parties within the next ten days.

The Superior Court justice took the unprecedented action after an incident that occurred between the two on Sunday afternoon at the Beats of Burden Music Festival’s Spoken Word stage.

Rotte took the stage mid-afternoon in front of a significant crowd, many of whom he’d invited via Twitter to witness his first ever SWE performance (Spoken Word Extemporaneous). He was just about to leave the stage after finishing his number, “Chock Tock,” when he noticed Stinktier in the crowd. Claiming the audience was calling for an encore, Rotte took back the microphone and embarked on a takedown of everything Stinktier, including his music, his band, and his decision to transition to a Zebra.

While some in the audience egged him on, many were deeply offended and called for him to be pulled from the stage. Stinktier refused to get involved and left the area, which seemed to incite Rotte further. Finally, three Does of Peace moved him from the stage and into the custody of Park Police.

Rotte, who was charged in August with disturbing the peace and inciting violence at The Park’s weekly Stereotype Sunday, is already scheduled to appear before Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon in October. Those charges are also related to his behaviour vis à vis Stinktier.

When news of the SWE matter reached the justice, he put out the call for a meeting.

“Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon is of the belief that much of this matter could be resolved through personal discussion. He does not believe the courts should get involved unnecessarily,” said a spokesAnimal for the Court.

Rotte is represented by Pernilla Varghund, junior partner in Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd, while Stinktier has engaged the services of Zvonimir Kojot of the law firm founded by Ingmar Prärievarg. Neither has spoken publicly about the justice’s order.

On This Day—September 19, 2014: Police called in as Zebras block stage to SCENTient Beings at music festival

By

Zebras block stageThe dream of a peaceful Beats of Burden music festival was shattered last night when a herd of Zebras blocked the SCENTient Beings’ entry to the stage.

After several tense minutes, the festival’s official hosts, The Beasts of Burden, butted their way through the herd and made a heartfelt appeal to the Zebras.

“This festival is not about personal politics or identity politics,” Alfredo Ox said. “This festival is a peaceful and joyous attempt to support The Park’s refugees. These are Animals who have suffered terribly in their lives and we are here this weekend to lend our support to them, both emotionally and financially. I appeal to you as sentient beings, yourselves, to take your cause elsewhere. We will listen to you at another time, at another venue. But, for now, please step back and allow the next set of musicians to take the stage.”

Ox’s appeal fell on deaf ears, however, but as he was speaking, the Does of Peace moved in to begin active peacekeeping. While the Doves flew above the herd, the Does mixed among the Zebras, moving them to the sides and securing a path for the SCENTient Beings to ascend the stage.

The group of Zebras, led by Jafari Pundamilia and Elton Zebra, demanded an apology from SCENTient Beings composer Faramund Stinktier. In a communiqué last week, the Zebras accused Stinktier of committing a crime against them when he revealed that he’d always believed he was a Zebra.

“By perpetuating a stereotype and using that stereotype for the betterment of his own life, he has committed a crime against The Park’s Zebra community,” the communiqué said.

When the Beings finally made it to the stage, they briefly acknowledged the protesters by saying they had the “utmost respect for The Park’s Zebra community,” and dedicated the night’s set to “all Animals of all species everywhere.”

Park Police, who were called to the scene by Beasts of Burden manager Ignatius Herder, said no charges were laid last night.

“We attended at the scene, but no charges were laid. We’re not expecting to be called out again,” said spokesAnimal for the police.

The Beats of Burden music festival wraps up this evening. SCENTient Beings are scheduled to perform again this afternoon.

On This Day—September 17, 2016: The Endeka Elephant Band plays on without its beloved bassist

By

Tembo bassThe ten remaining members of The Endeka Elephant Band took to the stage last night for the first time since the death this past July of their beloved bassist, Zuberi Tembo.

In an emotional mid-set tribute during the first night of the Beats of Burden Music Festival, each member of the band placed a rose at the foot of Tembo’s bass, which stood at the front of the stage for the entirety of their set.

It was a fitting acknowledgement of the Elephant they described as “a gentle soul who loved music and valued freedom.”

“Even though we miss him terribly, we know that Zuberi’s spirit is with us now and will live on forever in the music he made, in the work he did, and in his tireless fight for freedom,” band member Árvakur Fíl said.

The band followed that with a sweet and tearful rendition of “Recollections” and ended their set with “Seismic Connections.” They returned for only one encore: Tembo’s rousing, “Food For All.”

The Endeka Elephant Band returns tonight to play one last set at the festival.

The Beats of Burden Music Festival continues until midnight 18 September 2016.

On This Day—September 14, 2015: Alert: Harmonious Hannah missing after tumultuous Sunday in The Park

By

Harmonious Hannah: last seen at yesterday's Stereotype SundayHarmonious Hannah has gone missing.

The five and a half foot tall stuffed Animal—one half of the “harmonious pair” introduced in July by the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS)—was last seen yesterday during The Park’s weekly Stereotype Sunday, according to a DWBS alert.

The alert, which was issued at six o’clock this morning, said Hannah was last seen at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre at approximately five o’clock in the afternoon.

“It has been reported by one witness that the last time Hannah was seen was at approximately five o’clock. She was sitting with three young Elephants and a newborn Giraffe,” Cornelius Kakapo, DWBS Director of Public Relations said on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning.

Hannah and her working partner, Harmonious Humphrey, were introduced to Stereotype Sundays in July as part of a DWBS initiative to promote interspecial harmony among The Park’s youth.

Yesterday’s Stereotype Sunday was a particularly tumultuous one, with a raucous crowd and a dazzle of Zebras protesting against SCENTient Beings singer Faramund Stinktier.

“It was so busy, we hardly knew where to look to keep the peace,” said Doves of Peace spokesBird Georgina Golub.

Police say they have no leads as yet but they are appealing to all Park residents to keep their eyes open for Hannah.

“Any Animal who has knowledge of her whereabouts should contact Park Police or the Department of Well-Being and Safety immediately,” said Park Police officer Gareth Shepherd.

The DWBS describes Hannah as “six and a half feet tall, with a black back and a white stomach and chest, deep set eyes, black ears, a black nose, pink footpads and toepads, and a perpetual smile on her face.”

On This Day—September 11, 2015: Zorro sentence: One month in jail, five years of repayment to community

By

Raimundo ZorroBREAKING NEWS

Seated beside his lawyer Pernilla Varghund, Raimundo Zorro showed no emotion this afternoon as he awaited the arrival of Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon. And although he respectfully stood when the Superior Court justice finally entered the courtroom, he said only one word during the entire thirty-minute process.

Before announcing his sentencing decision, the justice asked Zorro, whom he found guilty in late August of inciting hate by hosting the SplotchWatch web site, whether he had had any change of heart since he was charged last April.

Zorro stood again and whispered, “Yes,” but did not elaborate any further.

In his preamble to the sentencing, Justice Dindon reiterated his horror at what Zorro had done and the potential it had to undo the many years of work that had led to zoocracy.

“You are not sufficiently young to be ignorant of the consequences of what you were doing,” the justice said.

“Nor are you sufficiently old to have done it with a view to undermining our system of government or the peace and prosperity that we cherish in The Park. I am forced, therefore, to conclude that you, sir, acted with malicious intent only toward a group of Animals that, as far as I can tell, has never done you any harm.”

For this reason, the justice said, he deliberated for a long time, seeking to find a sentence that would encourage Zorro to reconsider his views as well as allow him to “redeem himself” in the eyes of the community that he harmed.

The full sentence handed down by Mr. Justice Dindon is as follows:

  • one month of incarceration beginning today (September 11, 2015)
  • a full five years of volunteership on a rotating basis: one month at a time at each of The Park’s charities, with double the amount of time spent at charities that promote the equality of striped and spotted Animals
  • five years of supervision by court-appointed staff

In addition, Zorro is prohibited from hosting any web sites of any nature and pertaining to any subject for the next three years.

When the justice had concluded, Zorro said nothing and was removed from the courtroom by staff and led to the Park jail, where he will spend the first month of his sentence.

On This Day—September 8, 2014: The Does of Peace: typo in job ad nets Park Police new peacekeeping group

By

Does of Peace

First it was the missing letter in “Beasts” that turned the annual charity music festival into the “Beats of Burden.”

Now a typo in the recruitment announcement sent out by the Doves of Peace has gifted the Doves and Park Police with a “welcome addition”: a brand new group of peacekeepers called the Does of Peace.

At a press event this morning, representatives of the Police and the Doves announced the formation of this new group.

“This is another case of serendipity,” said Doves spokesBird Georgina Golub.

“The Does of Peace, whom we hired during our recruitment weekend, are a most welcome addition to our peacekeeping force.”

No one doubts they are welcome now, but that wasn’t quite the case during the last weekend of August.

When Park Police’s wholly autonomous peacekeeping group put out a call for prospective hirees to join the Doves of Peace, the announcement read, instead, “Does of Peace.”

But it seemed that no one noticed, save for the female Deer who swarmed the Ancient Open-Air Theatre in search of employment.

“They arrived with some of the most impressive résumés we’ve ever seen, and a great deal of experience in peacekeeping, both in the outside world and in The Park,” Golub said.

At a loss for what to do, Golub arranged for interviewers to talk to the Does and explain the mix-up.

“But what I noticed, as we turned them away…they weren’t angry. They seemed understanding. Disappointed, but understanding. And, I thought, ‘why am I turning away some of the best peacekeepers I’ve ever met?'”

So, after extensive consultation with Park Police and the Department of Well-Being and Safety, the decision was made to form an adjunct group to help keep peace in The Park.

In addition to their regular duties, Golub says, the Does will take over from the Doves during migration season.

“It works perfectly with our schedule and now that we’ve done it, I don’t know why we didn’t think of it before.”

And, fittingly, the Does of Peace will make their first professional appearance this coming weekend, at the Beats of Burden Music Festival.

On This Day—August 30, 2016: Park citizens not as politically savvy as in previous decades: UWT study

By

CLueless

A new study out of the University of West Terrier’s Barnaby School of Government concludes that Park citizens are not as politically savvy as they were in previous decades.

Entitled, “Clueless,” the study, which will be published in the October issue of the Park Journal of Politics and Government (PJPG), found that a large number of Park citizens have virtually no knowledge of our system of government or its origins.

“Without being unnecessarily harsh, I think this shows what many of us have felt: that too many of our citizens—of all generations—have been lulled into a false sense of security and do not feel the need to engage politically,” says Delia Quagga, the author of the study and the School’s head.

According to Quagga’s research, that sense of security is particularly strong among those who were born into zoocracy at a time of relative peace among the species.

“They’ve always lived under peaceful Animal self-rule. They seem to believe that the battle has been fought and won forever. And that makes them extremely vulnerable,” Quagga contends.

The study also found that many Park citizens feel free to engage in stereotyping, primarily because they don’t remember a time when such behaviour posed a danger to peace.

“All of this underscores the need for us to communicate more effectively about history and politics,” Quagga says. “We mustn’t allow a situation in which Park citizens take anything for granted.”

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

February 2026
M T W T F S S
 1
2345678
9101112131415
16171819202122
232425262728