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Dewi Rhinoceros: The Mammalian Daily’s choice for Animal of the Year

January 1, 2019 By Juho Morsk, TMD Media Reporter

BREAKING NEWS

The Mammalian Daily has chosen former Chief Archon Dewi Merpatee Rhinoceros as its 2018 Animal of the Year.

At a press conference at noon today, TMD managing editor Orphea Haas said the newspaper’s staff chose to honour Rhinoceros because of her “tireless commitment to interspecial harmony, and her ongoing work to foster awareness of the effects of enforced domestication.”

During her term as Chief Archon, Dewi Rhinoceros and her fellow Archons established our weekly Stereotype Sundays, in an effort to “promote the kind of peaceful coexistence among species” that Jor [The Park’s first leader] had hoped to achieve when he established modern zoocracy. Now in their seventh year, these highly successful weekly gatherings play an important part in the peace and stability of life in The Park.

As Chief Archon, Dewi Rhinoceros also established June’s Enforced Domestication Awareness Month. In announcing the first of the annual events, Rhinoceros said, “we are finally acknowledging the dangers of enforced domestication and committing to a strategy to overcome those dangers.” Many Park residents have credited the month-long event with saving their lives. Now in its seventh year, Enforced Domestication Awareness Month has expanded to encompass not only awareness and prevention, but ongoing treatment of the effects of enforced domestication,

After she left office, Rhinoceros fulfilled a lifelong ambition and opened the Centre for Interspecial Harmony. The Centre runs educational programmes, hosts events, and funds research projects in association with the University of West Terrier.

The Mammalian Daily salutes the ongoing work of Dewi Rhinoceros and the Centre for Interspecial Harmony and wishes all citizens and residents of The Park the best in 2019.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime Tagged With: #AnimalOfTheYear, #InterspecialHarmony, #StereotypeSundays

Mark your calendars for these important February 2018 Park events

February 1, 2018 By Fiona Lupu, TMD Events Reporter

February is a busy and emotional time in The Park and this year will be no exception. To make sure you don’t miss anything, keep these dates circled on your calendar:

 


February 1: Get up! Get ready! It’s almost Groundhog Day!
Catch up on your sleep tonight because you won’t get much until the weekend, with all the partying you’re going to do! And make sure you look your best, at least at the start of the celebration, by booking some time at any of The Park’s finest grooming houses.

 

February 2: Groundhog Day
This is it, folks! The day we’ve all been waiting for. First, we’ll hear 2018 POPS (Park Official Prognosticator of Spring) Sauville Otave Marmotte tell us what the weather has in store for us and then we’ll hear from the new Archons about what our government has in store for us! Festivities start at 7:00 a.m. and go on forever and ever, with the food stations open a full twenty-four hours (8:00 a.m. on February 2 until 8:00 a.m. on February 3). Click on the schedule to the right for a full view.

And don’t forget the Early Risers’ after-party and the after-after parties after that!

February 2-9: Park shops to hold Groundhog Day sales
Whether or not our 2018 POPS, Sauville Otave Marmotte, predicts an early Spring, there’ll be plenty to celebrate with lower prices at most Park shops. They’ll be open all night on February 1, as well as all day on Groundhog Day, too!

February 4: Spend an afternoon at The Park Museum with Karlheinz Beaver
The designer of the 2018 prognostication pad will formally add his blueprints to the museum’s current exhibition, “The Means and the Message: A Decade of Prognostication Pads.” Afterwards, he’ll host a Q&A session with attendees regarding the pad’s design and functionality. Refreshments will be served courtesy of The PurrBoy Café.

Don’t miss this event at The Park Museum on Sunday, 4 February 2018, from 1:00 p.m. until 5:00 p.m.

3d-tabby-king-croppedFebruary 14: Anniversary of the birth of Jor
He was our first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy. This year’s full-day holiday will be devoted to his memory and to celebrating our future as a zoocratic Park.


Hieronymous Hedgehog February 19: Official End of Hibernation
Let’s celebrate survival! It’s time to welcome back our hibernating friends. As Hieronymous Hedgehog, The Park’s Official Hibernation Ambassador, would say, bring on the food! And in case you have any questions, here’s a handy guide to welcoming home those who’ve been in a state of torpor.

Keeper of the NutFebruary 20: Return of the Nut
This half-day holiday is an occasion both solemn and celebratory, as we renew our trust in each other and our faith in survival, itself. This year, it will be 2018 Keeper of the Nut Armas Jänis who will return the nut to The Park’s Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC). After, that, we’ll all be looking to Spring and its renewal!

Have a great February, everybody!

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, Groundhog Day/POPS Election and Prediction, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime, The Arts, Entertainment, and Culture Tagged With: #GroundhogDay, February events, Park holidays

Full schedule of events released for 2018 Groundhog Day celebrations

January 30, 2018 By Endla Metsümiseja, TMD Groundhog Day Reporter

The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations (DHFC) has released the Official Schedule of the 2018 Groundhog Day Celebrations.

At a short press conference this afternoon, DHFC Director of Public Relations Aintza Kanariar used the word, “stupendous,” as she rhymed off the names of the performers, games, acts, and more that will make up what some in The Park consider the most important event of the year.

“There is not only something for everyone to enjoy at this year’s celebration,” she said, “but almost too much.”

Kanariar went even further, saying it was not just the quantity of the “non-stop fun,” but the quality that will make this year’s Groundhog Day memorable.

“After more than thirty-five years of zoocracy, The Park can truthfully say it has an unrivalled depth of talent,” she said. She also joked that the official celebration would “give the Early Risers a run for their money.”

For the past few years, The Park’s Early Risers, who end their hibernation on Groundhog Day instead of on the traditional date of February 19, have hosted legendary after-parties.

Kanariar also announced an addendum to the official schedule, which was released a few days ago.

“We will officially acknowledge the life and work of Egerton Vole, who died on January 25, after serving only nine days as Archon. The Archons’ Address, which will be read by Chief Archon Iolana Camira Whooping Crane, will also include some words about Vole, she said. And a tribute to Vole during the Groundhog Day parade will include a performance by the All Rodent Marching Band, but Kanariar would not say whether a new float would be part of that tribute.

For the first time since their bassist Zuberi Tembo died, the Endeka Elephant Band will play during the parade, as well. There will only be nine band members playing, however, because Árvakur Fíl, the band’s drummer, is serving as Archon this year.

Kanariar said we can expect the parade to include a “host of new floats,” several of which will acknowledge The Park’s endangered species.

New this year will be a poetry reading by members of the Centre for Interspecial Harmony.

In addition to the special appearance by Thisbe and the Barkettes, the following musicians will participate in the event:

The Feral Four
The Canary Cousins
Spontaneous Generation
Les Chiens Débraillés
SCENTient Beings
Jargonhead
Persistent Sisters
The Cynics
Will.o.be
Memes of Production
Last Stand
Eggie and The Pigs
ZEAL
Inktvis and Krake
The All-Rodent Marching Band
The DomEstyx
The Beasts of Burden
BHR (Big Hearts Rule) formerly NIML (Not In My Lifetime)
Fish Rap

As is always the case, one of the most important aspects of the Groundhog Day celebrations will be the food. Renowned Chef Tab Triolore will reprise his “feral buffet” and supply delicious non-perishables from his newly-opened restaurant grassRoutes.  Other food purveyors include The Battering Ram Café, The Compost Heap, The Broop ‘n Miaow, The Draft, The Pound Gastropub, and The Cackling Goose Tavern. Mikko Tikkeri’s The Feeding Station will serve a full breakfast just after the Archons’ Address. Ants in Your Pantry and Provisions by Petrounel will send all attendees home with tasty party favours.

And, again, this year, food will be served for twenty-four hours straight.

“We’re going through from eight in the morning on the second [of February] until eight in the morning on the third,” Kanariar said.

And, don’t forget: the events will be covered live by Mammalian Daily reporters here on Twitter.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, Groundhog Day/POPS Election and Prediction, Politics/Law/Crime, The Arts, Entertainment, and Culture Tagged With: #GroundhogDay, hibernation, Spring

Names of 2018 Archons announced

January 15, 2018 By Sigrún Maur, TMD Political Affairs Reporter

zoocracy-35The names of the 35 Animals who will form The Park’s 2018 government have been released.

In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons was posted at the Law Courts early this morning, an hour after the selection was certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.

The list will remain posted at the Law Courts until the end of the week so that Park citizens and residents may review the names, Archon Transition Team spokesAnimal N.V. Hoatzin told The Mammalian Daily.

Readers of this newspaper need look no further than the bottom of this article, however. The Mammalian Daily is the only Park newspaper given permission to publish the list of names.

The 35 Animals, who were selected to be Archons through the process of sortition, will be sworn in at a ceremony that will take place tomorrow morning at 10:00. Tens of thousands of Park citizens are expected to attend the swearing-in ceremony, which will be held at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre. As well, many thousands more will be able to watch the event on television. The Park Broadcasting Corporation (PBC), which holds exclusive rights to the swearing-in ceremony, will once again dedicate its entire morning programming schedule to the event.


ARCHONS – 2018
Whooping Crane, Iolana Camira (Chief Archon)

Appaloosa, Durward Courtland; Axolotl; José Francisco; Bunting, Welby; Caecilian, Tristan Lucas; Caiman, Gergo; Chameleon, Hawthorne; Cricket, Burgess Jerome; Datnoid, Abiola; Fíl, Árvakur; Frosch, Hedda; Gecko, Samuel P.; Hagfish, Marjorie; Jokirapu, Inkeri; Kangaroo, Matilda Zara; Katydid, Angus; Krill, Pascale; Lizard, Elmer; Lungfish, Enoch; Mantella, Garabina; Merganser, Hazel; Mudpuppy, Deandre; Newt, Camlin; Oarfish, Luella Marie; Oscar, Oscar Filbert; Osprey, Henrietta; Pióca, Stanczia; Porcupine, Rudella; Saltamontes, Ernesto; Sea Otter, Mason Daniel Fabion; Skink, Priscilla; Schwan, Gudruna; Tortoise, Zigor; Vole, Egerton Leland; Wren, Maximilian.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime, Whoa! Braking News Tagged With: 2018 Archons, Park government, sortition

Outgoing Chief Archon Klarissa Kuttu: “My realism was ahead of its time.”

January 13, 2018 By Sigrún Maur, TMD Political Affairs Reporter

CHIEF ARCHON KLARISSA KUTTU: THE EXIT INTERVIEW

In her only exit interview, The Park’s 2017 Chief Archon, Klarissa Escalade Kuttu—whose term ends on Tuesday—told The Mammalian Daily that she was misrepresented as anti-Human by the press and others and that she feels her realism is “ahead of its time.” 


We sat down with Chief Archon Klarissa E. Kuttu earlier this month to discuss zoocracy, the expectations of government, and her hopes for the future of The Park and Animal self-rule.

TMD: Thank you, Chief Archon Kuttu, for sitting down with us today.

KEK: Thank you for inviting me. I’m happy to talk to you today.

TMD: Chief Archon Kuttu, I think it’s safe to say that the expectations placed on a new Chief Archon are enormous and so must be the pressure of that, as well. Would you agree?

KEK: Yes, I do agree, though I wouldn’t agree if you’d said, “unreasonable” expectations. I think it’s fair for The Park’s citizens to expect a lot from their government and when we come up short, it’s also fair for them to criticize us.

TMD: Which leads me to this question, if you don’t mind: according to some polls, you have been one of the most unpopular Chief Archons in the history of zoocracy. What do you make of that and how much responsibility do you take? Was it a failure of communication? A misunderstanding?

KEK: I noticed you said some polls and, if you hadn’t, I would object. But, yes, there were some polls—and obviously, many Park citizens—who disagreed with me vehemently, though I doubt they would have said I didn’t have The Park’s best interests in mind.

I believe strongly that many of the controversies during my term were due to the misrepresentation of me by the press and others. I don’t think you can deny that I was depicted as anti-Human, which was at best unhelpful and at worst, damaging to progress in The Park. And, yes, I do take some responsibility for the misunderstanding of my views and policies. Clearly, I did not explain myself well enough. But, even more than that, I misread the state of mind of the citizenry.

TMD: In what way?

KEK: We have had some trying times in the past few years and I admit I didn’t realize to what extent that had affected the emotional and mental outlook of Park Animals. I didn’t understand their very real desire for calm and stability. My term as Chief Archon should have reflected that and responded to it. Instead, I wanted to charge ahead with ideas that Park Animals simply weren’t ready for. And, here, you really do have to keep in mind the pace of any Park government. We are selected by lottery, we have twelve months to deal with all aspects of running The Park. Ninety percent of those aspects, I would say, we have no idea of until we get here. In some ways, it’s a crazy way to govern.

TMD: Are you saying that zoocracy doesn’t work?

KEK: Of course not. What I am saying, though, is that it was designed in a much simpler time, and for a much simpler purpose. It was designed so that we could take control of our lives and our property. Thirty-five years ago, no Animal could have imagined the challenges we face today. We are in desperate need of modernization, and not just of our government, but of our state of mind. And I tried to bring that to my Archonship, but it was too early. I see that now. We need to ease into these things, but I butted ahead with them and we see the results. Or lack of results.

TMD: For the record, though, are you anti-Human?

KEK:  I am not “anti” any species. But I am a realist. And, in many ways, my realism was ahead of its time. Humans hold an enormous amount of power in the world. And, if we’re to be honest, they do still hold power over us in The Park. It’s an imbalance that I felt and still feel is untenable and I tried to change that with what I considered would be simple tweaks. But, as it turns out, they weren’t simple at all. And they became my grand mistakes.

TMD: Such as restricting trade with Humans and ending Human tourism?

KEK: Among the many, yes.

TMD: Which others?

KEK: I’ll leave that for you and for The Park’s many political commentators to mull over and, perhaps, write books about.

TMD: What would you consider your greatest failure?

KEK: I have said this before and I’ll say it again: my government’s failure to find a suitable head of Park Finance—a suitable budget chief—and to prepare a 2018 budget. I think that might be the greatest failure.

TMD: And your greatest success?

KEK: I would like to think that I did bring some awareness of the threat that we face from Humans, as well as from other species. And from ourselves. I would like to think that we are now more aware than ever of the fragility of Animal self-rule and that we might stop either taking it for granted or revering it unrealistically.

TMD: Are we in danger of losing it?

KEK: I think we are always in danger of losing it. Nothing is forever and as we have seen from Human society, things can go backwards. It doesn’t take much. We must guard what we value and continue to value what we guard. To hold it dear. Otherwise, who knows what can happen.

TMD: Now that you’re no longer in government, what does your future hold?

KEK: I hope it will hold peace. And friendship. But I also want to stay involved. I would never retreat from the political sphere entirely, now that I’ve learned so much.

TMD: Would you serve another term?

KEK: Yes, I would. And I, too, believe in longer terms and when I’ve rested up a bit, I will be prepared to fight for that. One year is not long enough.

TMD: Two years?

KEK: Maybe even three. Whatever the citizenry can bear. It will be a long haul to change the rules, but I do believe in long haul government. [laughing]

TMD: Chief Archon, it really has been a pleasure to talk to you today. We all in The Park wish you well in the future. And we want to express our deep gratitude for your work in the service of zoocracy and The Park.

KEK: The pleasure has been mine, in moving zoocracy to its next phase and in sitting here with you to talk about it. I’ll see you at the swearing-in on January 16 and again on Groundhog Day.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Interviews, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime Tagged With: Archons, Chief Archon, exit interview

Park Museum to host exhibit honouring Prognostication Pad

October 17, 2017 By Endla Metsümiseja, TMD Groundhog Day Reporter

2017-Prognostication-Pad-1In celebration of almost fifteen years of elected prognosticators in The Park, The Board of Governors of The Park Museum today announced a new exhibit, “The Means and the Message: A Decade of Prognostication Pads.”

This multimedia exhibit will honour not only those who have been elected Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), but the means that they have used to make their predictions: the prognostication pad.

The Winterlong exhibit will showcase the evolution of the prognostication pad throughout the past decade, putting the pad in historical context, and demonstrating the way in which its use has changed the office and duties of the prognosticator as well as the way in which spectators view the prediction.

Included in the exhibit will be pad architects’ blueprints, messages, notes, and correspondence, press interviews with Chief organizer Wyatt Whistlepig, Jr., and videotaped interviews with former prognosticators. Throughout the Winter, the museum will also host Q&A sessions with architects and with journalists who have covered The Park’s Groundhog Day celebrations over the years.

The exhibit will also feature memorabilia from POPS campaigns, including posters, flyers, buttons, newspaper interviews, television and radio interviews and recorded speeches, as well as original documents from court challenges to the predictions.

“The Means and the Message: A Decade of Prognostication Pads” will run from 31 October until 14 February 2018.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Groundhog Day/POPS Election and Prediction, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime Tagged With: Groundhog Day, park museum, prognostication pad

Gossip site: We have photos of Archon in bed with Humans

June 19, 2017 By Renée Simone Canard, TMD Gossip Reporter

headsNtalesWHOA! BRAKING NEWS The gossip site headsNtales says it plans to publish a set of photos of 2017 Archon Nakato Bonobo that show her in a compromising position with Humans.

In a post dated today, the site claimed to have in its possession fourteen photos of Bonobo sleeping in a bed between two adult Humans. Co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo said she believes the incident in the photos took place in late April in a home outside The Park.

While the site has not yet identified the Humans in the photos, Guacamayo says there is no doubt about who is sleeping between them.

“It was completely by accident that we were able to get these photos and the reason we waited so long to disclose them is that we didn’t believe it, ourselves, at first. But there is no doubt in our minds that the Animal sleeping between these two Humans is, in fact, 2017 Archon Nakato Bonobo,” Guacamayo told The Mammalian Daily.

Guacamayo said that she’d contacted Bonobo about the photos, but had received no reply. headsNtales intends to publish the photos this month.

If the photos are of Bonobo, it would be particularly embarrassing for her if they were published in June. Bonobo has been an outspoken supporter of Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM) and a vocal champion of the many refugee organizations in The Park. She has even been called “anti-Human,” which she has said she regards as a compliment.

As of the publication of this article, there has been no reaction from Chief Archon Klarissa Kuttu or any of Bonobo’s colleagues in the 2017 government.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Gossip and Rumour, Park Life, Politics/Law/Crime, Whoa! Braking News Tagged With: Archon Nakato Bonobo, Humans, hypocrisy, sleeping with Humans

Noreen, UWT law professor launch Domestic Empowerment Initiative

June 15, 2017 By Viona Adelaar, TMD Justice and Legal Affairs Reporter

Official NoreenNoreen has embarked on a new venture.

The Mammalian Daily advice columnist and University of West Terrier adjunct professor of Human Studies has partnered with Chittenden School of Law professor Fionnula Fox to help Animals currently living in a domestic situation with Humans gain more control over their possessions and estates.

After conducting a study last year that concluded that domestic Animals had virtually no control over their possessions, Fox—a specialist in extra-hortulanial law (law that applies outside The Park)—invited Noreen to work with her on rectifying what she calls a “dismal situation” for domestic Animals.

“I thought we’d make a great pair in this regard,” she told The Mammalian Daily. “I was sure that if we combined Noreen’s deep knowledge and understanding of Humans and my knowledge of the law outside The Park, we’d be able to come up with the perfect solution.”

Whether that solution is perfect remains to be seen, but the confident pair will unveil the first part of its Domestic Empowerment Initiative (DEI) on June 22, fittingly during Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM).

The University of West Terrier’s Chittenden School of Law will host the Q&A event and forms for wills and booklets on estate planning will be given out free of charge to all Animals.

Both Fox and Noreen know the risks involved in trying to change Humans’ views and behaviour, but they’re both confident it can be done over time.

“For the sake of domestic Animals, we have to adopt a slow and gentle approach with Humans,” says Fox. “Because the truth is we have no legal basis to force them to do anything.”

Filed Under: Breaking News, Education, Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM), Politics/Law/Crime Tagged With: control over possessions, domestic animals, domestic empowerment initiative, empowerment, wills and estates

Breaking NewsBits: Vadim Kobras to deliver UWT commencement address

May 23, 2017 By Nienke Varken, TMD Education Reporter

Fleck + Stone’s Chief Architect has been chosen to deliver the University of West Terrier’s commencement day address. Read the full announcement here.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, Education, Month Without Metaphor, NewsBits, Politics/Law/Crime Tagged With: UWT commencement day speaker

Breaking NewsBits—Kuttu’s anti-Human views unpopular with some Archons, business owners: rumour

May 23, 2017 By Renée Simone Canard, TMD Gossip Reporter

headsNtales

Chief Archon Klarissa Kuttu’s views on trade with Humans are as unpopular with some of her fellow Archons as they are with The Park’s business owners, says gossip web site headsNtales. The site’s co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo says that Aristodama Tortoise and Nathan Edward Puffin went on record saying Kuttu’s isolationist policies will damage the economy. Guacamayo quotes Tortoise: “It seems she has no sense of history.”

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, NewsBits, Politics/Law/Crime Tagged With: Anti-Human policies, trade with Humans

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