The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

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OTD in 2016—TMD announces the appointment of an official POPS Election reporter

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gd-borderWe are pleased to announce that The Mammalian Daily has designated one of our most capable  journalists as the official POPS Election reporter for the duration of the POPS election season.

Please welcome Endla Metsümiseja. Endla will keep you up to date on all POPS Election and Groundhog Day information. You can follow her reports here as well as on Twitter, where she will be taking over the Park Groundhog Day Twitter account until the election results are in.

Endla is a graduate of the Cuthbert School of Journalism at the University of West Terrier. After graduation, Endla was hired by The Rodent Commoner as a roving reporter. After two years there, where she became known for her “nose for the news,” Endla spent six months writing for The Cosmopolitan Pest before she left The Park to travel. Upon her return, she was hired by The Mammalian Daily as a general reporter and she has distinguished herself here as an energetic and intelligent addition to our staff.

As a member of The Park’s hibernating community, Endla has a particular interest in Groundhog Day. As well, many generations of her family have been actively involved in the The Park’s Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC) and in the annual elections for Keeper of the Nut.

We know you will find Endla’s reports useful and enlightening.

OTD in 2016—”Unfit to predict:” Rotte launches campaign against Tavros’s POPS bid

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gunnartweetoct18In a full-on offensive this morning, Gunnar Rotte let it be known that he believes radio talk show host Yannis Tavros is an unfit candidate for Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS).

At a gathering outside the law courts, Rotte said that Tavros’s past remarks about hibernators prove that he is not only unaware of the reality of hibernators’ lives, but that he has no respect for them or for the importance of the Groundhog Day prediction.

“How can we support a candidate who believes that hibernators are less intelligent than other Animals?” Rotte asked, as onlookers chanted what has become his signature phrase, “Unfit to predict!”

Tavros has gotten himself into trouble on a number of occasions for making disparaging remarks about hibernators. Recently, Tavros tweeted that he believed there was a difference in intelligence between hibernators and other Animals. But most notably, he was suspended in 2013 by Toro Talk Radio after saying that Hieronymous Hedgehog hailed from “part of a family that isn’t even smart enough to know when to come out of hibernation.” The reference was to  the Hedgehog’s uncle who served as Archon in 1998 and who died of premature awakening from hibernation ten years later. Tavros was accused of spreading ignorance and disrespecting an Archon and other hibernators. He and Hieronymous made peace later, but his support was noticeably absent last year when Hieronymous was made The Park’s Official Hibernation Ambassador and he has criticized him repeatedly for being the spokesAnimal for the hibneration outfitter GoUnderground.

Back at the law courts, Rotte pledged to grow his campaign against Tavros until the Bull suspended his campaign.

“We will not, under any circumstances, tolerate the running of the Bull,” Rotte said.

OTD in 2016—Button maker received order for Millicent Hayberry candidacy: rumour

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It’s been over a month since Park citizens heard the rumour that Millicent Hayberry was considering a bid for 2017 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS).

Though she has kept mum on the subject, a source close to one of The Park’s most prominent button makers has told The Mammalian Daily that  the company received an order to produce buttons for her campaign.

The source, who wishes to remain anonymous, said the order came in two weeks ago from a “campaign leader.” The order is said to be for three different versions of a button, one of the prototypes of which appears on this page.

Hayberry, who is wrapping up her performance at the Burrow Theatre in “Godwit,” the first of three mystery plays by Gianfranco Colocolo, is expected to make some form of announcement before the end of the month. Candidates have until November 5 to enter the race.

Sources tell The Mammalian Daily that were Hayberry to run, she would have the support of Hieronymous Hedgehog, along with a number of other prominent hibernators. Her candidacy may lean heavily on the idea of “breaking the species barrier,” since all successful candidates for POPS have been Groundhogs. Nevertheless, since the 2011 and 2012 candidacies of Zachariah Skunk and Lorenzo Michele Chipmunk, there has been a call for broadening the field in this election and making the list of candidates more representative of The Park’s population.

OTD in 2017—2017 POPS in stable condition as Park awaits hospital press conference

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Hermione HippoAs Ditmar Bosmarmot, 2017 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), remains in stable condition after being diagnosed with Premature Awakening from hibernation (PA), a press conference has been called for this afternoon at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm.

Hospital spokesAnimal Aurélie Brebis confirmed the press conference in a short communiqué this morning:

“The hospital’s head nurse, Hermione Hippo, will deliver a statement on the condition of Ditmar Bosmarmot and afterwards will take questions from the press this afternoon at three o’clock in the main conference room of the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm.”

Bismarmot, who was elected POPS in November, was roused from his burrow at approximately seven o’clock on Groundhog Day morning. He appeared groggy and after losing his footing along the way, he was helped to the prognostication pad by two aides. While there were concerns that he would not be able to fulfill his duties, he was able to stand on the prognostication pad unaided for a sufficient length of time to make the prognostication. According to a spokesAnimal for Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon, who certified the prediction, the judge had “no hesitation whatsoever in doing so” and certified the prediction “with complete certainty as to its validity.”

Immediately thereafter, Bosmarmot was taken off the pad by members of the Emergency Elephant Brigade (EEB), who helped him onto a stretcher and delivered him to the Park Hospital.

A diagnosis of Premature Awakening from hibernation was made at the scene and confirmed later that day. Until this morning, however, doctors had made no comment on Bosmarmot’s condition other than to say it was “stable.”

The Mammalian Daily will keep its readers apprised of the condition of the POPS via Twitter and Facebook.

OTD in 2017—Design of 2017 prognostication pad sparks criticism, spawns new memes

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2017-prognostication-PADThe design of the 2017 prognostication pad hasn’t just sparked intense criticism from attendees and design experts; it’s also spawned several new Park memes.

The confusing design, coupled with the grave illness suffered by 2017 POPS Ditmar Bismarmot, has spawned  a set of memes that appear to blame the pad and its designer, the architectural firm Fleck + Stone, for Bosmarmot’s illness.

The Park Official Prognosticator of Spring was found to be suffering from Premature Awakening (PA) from hibernation and was rushed to hospital just minutes after predicting an early Spring on Groundhog Day.

Despite these indisputable medical facts, the memes have taken off in a variety of forms, including one that shows an image of Bosmarmot sprawled across the top of the pad with the the warning: “Don’t get stoned by Fleck.” Another with a similar image says, “Ditmarred Again.” Yet another portrays the firm’s chef architect, Vadim Kobras, climbing up the pad, leaving a number of dead Groundhogs behind him on the steps.

For their part, the Archons have been swift to react to the memes, preferring to deal with them in a factual way. This morning, Balthasar Alouatta, spokesAnimal for the Archons, read a prepared statement from Chief Archon Klarissa Kuttu in which she wished Bosmarmot a speedy recovery. The statement went on to use the memes to address the issue of Premature Awakening and to direct Park Animals to information on the subject.

Thus far, neither the firm of Fleck + Stone nor its chief architect has publicly reacted to the criticism of the prognostication pad.

OTD in 2016—Focus On: Archons’ Address

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Annual Archons' Address

Why is the Archons’ address so important?

The observation of Groundhog Day has its roots deep in the Animal tradition of weather prognostication. The Park’s elaborate, all-day celebration of this important day attracts record crowds annually.

But modern Park life has endowed the day with a political significance, as well. Park citizens, eager to discover what the new year has in store for them, await the annual Archons’ address, the first speech given by the 35 newly-selected Archons.

Let’s focus on the Archons’ address.

THE ARCHONS: WHO ARE THEY?
Each cohort of thirty-five Archons constitutes The Park’s government for a period of one year. The individual Archons hail from every species of citizen in The Park and they are chosen each year through the process known as sortition (lottery).

While their names are announced on January 15, they make their first appearance before The Park’s citizenry on January 16, the day on which they are sworn in. After the ceremony, the Archons go into seclusion and are neither seen nor heard from until Groundhog Day on February 2.

HOW DO THEY DECIDE WHAT TO SAY IN THEIR ADDRESS?
During those sixteen days, the Archons have a chance to get to know each other and to discover each other’s attitudes and opinions regarding the direction in which The Park should move. Economic, social, and health-related issues are the subject of robust discussion and it is through this process of discussion and debate that the Archons develop their agenda for the year.

Ideally, this agenda (which literally means “things to be done”) should address Park citizens’ most pressing needs and concerns. When the governing collective has made its final decision on the important issues that it will address during its tenure, it is ready to draft the Groundhog Day speech.

WHY THE SPEECH IS IMPORTANT TO PARK CITIZENS
Park citizens know virtually nothing about the members of their new government, even as they watch them being sworn in. While many may be acquainted with them personally, it is not likely they know with any certainty where these Animals stand on the important issues that face The Park.

As the Chief Archon reads the speech, she or he reveals the concerns and beliefs of the governing collective and lays the groundwork for the changes that it will attempt to make over the coming year.

That is why the Archons’ address, given on Groundhog Day, is so important to Park citizens.

WHAT PARK ANIMALS ARE LISTENING FOR
The Archons’ address does more than simply list a number of items that are of concern to the Archons or that they hope to act on during their tenure. The speech sets the tone for the new administration and for the relationship it will have with Park citizens.

What Park Animals are listening for are indications that the Archons are not only in tune with their concerns but that they will be open to input from the citizenry. Most who reside in The Park would agree that this is what makes good government.

OTD in 2016—UWT receives funds for new study of premature awakening from hibernation

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UWT COATThanks to an anonymous donor, the University of West Terrier will be able to fund a third study into the causes of premature awakening from hibernation.

In an announcement on the University’s web site, the President and Governors thanked the “anonymous donor whose generosity and empathy knows no bounds.”

“The University is deeply grateful for the funding and wishes to thank the anonymous donor whose generosity and empathy knows no bounds. We are confident that your generous donation will save countless lives and your effort on behalf of hibernators will become a shining example of the power of interspecial caring,” the announcement said.

The donation, which came via the Foundation for the Study of Premature Awakening will fund a thirty-six-month project. The project leaders and venues have yet to be announced, but it is believed that the bulk of the research will be done at the University’s School of Medicine.

The University’s full announcement can be read here.

OTD in 2016—Park shops get green light to stay open Groundhog Eve, Groundhog Day

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Groundhog Day specialsIn a stunning reversal of its longstanding policy, The Park Finance Office has given businesses the green light to remain open late on Groundhog Eve and into the early afternoon on Groundhog Day.

The news was announced simultaneously this morning by PFO head Valentina Abeja and by Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS).

In a separate announcement, Whistlepig praised Abeja for her willingness to listen and for her “forward thinking.”

“We are extremely pleased that the PFO has listened to our concerns and shifted its position on this issue. Groundhog Eve and Groundhog Day are not just a time for us to come together and celebrate. They hold enormous economic potential and we are grateful to the PFO’s forward thinking head for the opportunity to demonstrate that fact,” Whistlepig wrote.

In a radio interview this morning, Abeja said her decision to change the policy was based on practicality.

“In the past, we believed that if we allowed our shops to stay open, it would somehow take something away from the celebration of Groundhog Day. But after significant study of the issue, we came to the conclusion that that would not be the case,” she said.

Abeja also stressed the need for the PFO to view economic issues through the eyes of those on “the front lines of business.”

“It is our job to support Park business, not to stand in the way of opportunity.”

OTD in 2017—Fleck + Stone to host information session on 2017 Prognostication Pad

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Groundhog Day celebrationsFleck + Stone, the high-end architectural firm hired by The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations to design and build the 2017 prognostication pad, will host an information session for Park residents this weekend.

In a short press release this morning, the firm’s Chief Architect, Vadim Kobras, invited all Park residents to the information session which will be held on Saturday afternoon at the Ancient Open-Air Theatre.

“It is of utmost importance to the Fleck + Stone team that Park residents be in possession of all the facts surrounding the 2017 Groundhog Day prognostication pad,” the press release said. “We will be happy to answer any questions about the design and execution of this important piece of equipment.”

Although it didn’t directly address the controversy over the assumed high cost of the pad, the press release did imply that Park residents would see its value:

“The Fleck + Stone team is incredibly proud of the work it has done to help celebrate Groundhog Day in this very special year. We are confident that Park residents will be receptive to our design and will appreciate its uniqueness.”

The press release cum invitation ended with the words, “We were honoured to have been chosen for this job and we remain committed to supporting The Park and zoocracy in any way we can.” It was signed by the Chief Architect, himself.

According to sources close to the firm, Kobras will speak generally about the pad and building materials and go over some of the designs the team considered before fixing on the one that was built. No illustrations of the actual pad will be revealed, but Kobras is said to have also prepared a talk that deals with the history and significance of the prognostication pad.

The final design will be revealed in the early morning hours of Groundhog Day.

OTD in 2018: Mark your calendars for these important January 2018 events

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Put this on your calendarJanuary is one of The Park’s busiest months. To make sure you don’t miss anything, mark these dates on your calendar:

January 1-15: Eat, Drink, and Be Merry, For Tomorrow You May Have to Govern
Because we use the sortition method to select our Archons every January, we are all aware that this duty may fall to us. So, in the days leading up to the selection and announcement, spend time with your friends and family, and enjoy yourself. You may not have much time to do so in the coming year.

January 6-10: “Sortition Shakes” Pop-Up Clinic
Learn more about this newly-identified condition that affects a large percentage of The Park’s adult population. The clinic will be staffed by therapists from the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine, who will spend at least fifteen minutes with each patient. No appointment is necessary. No time for therapy? Just stop by and take Dr. Chloris Cougar’s 10-point test and leave with an explanatory brochure. Either way, a visit here will ease your nerves.

January 12 : “Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Park Government”
Be prepared! If your name comes up, you’ll want to serve honourably and intelligently. Fortunately, historians Pieter Paard, Beatrice Zilonis, and Clark Cascanueces as well as political philosopher Magnus Marmoset have you covered. Their crash course is designed to teach you everything you’ll need to know about zoocracy, sortition, and the duties of Archonship. Open to all and free of charge, but reservations required. Location: University of West Terrier.

January 13: Extinction Anxiety Clinic Open House
For the first time since its opening in August 2012, The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic will host an Open House. Both locations will welcome Park residents from 10:00-4:00 for some frank talk about Extinction Anxiety, including the newest treatment options. Refreshments will be served.

January 15: New Archons Announced
In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons will be posted at the Law Courts early on the morning of January 15, an hour after the selection is certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.

The list will remain posted at the Courts until the end of the week, so that all citizens and residents may review the names. The list will also be published in the January 15 edition of The Mammalian Daily.

January 16: Archons sworn in (half-day holiday)
For the selected Archons, the swearing-in ceremony will be a first; for Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon, it will be his nineteenth. The ceremony is always meaningful and poignant, and a reminder of our great fortune to live under Animal self-rule.

Until February 14: The Park Museum presents, “The Means and the Message: A Decade of Prognostication Pads”
This multimedia exhibit honours not only those who have been elected Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), but the means they’ve used to make their predictions: the prognostication pad.

The Winterlong exhibit showcases the evolution of the prognostication pad throughout the past decade, putting the pad in historical context, and demonstrating the way in which its use has changed the office and duties of the prognosticator as well as the way in which spectators view the prediction.

January 29: University of West Terrier Annual Open House
The annual open house at The Park’s most renowned research institution attracts hopeful would-be students, alumni, and all those interested in higher education. Come for the tour and the snacks, but stay for the annual speaker. You’ll never be disappointed!

Lead-up to Groundhog Day
One of our most important holidays (if not the most important), The Park’s Groundhog Day celebration will include, of course, the prognostication, the Archons’ address, and the welcoming home of our hibernators. Shadow or no shadow, this year’s GD celebration is sure to be a great one. See you there!

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