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Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen
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Dear Noreen: Humans taketh away and Humans giveth

March 30, 2015 By Noreen, TMD Advice Columnist

Official NoreenDEAR NOREEN: I am a two year-old Canine living with a family of Humans. One of my dearest companions is a six year-old who lives in a house down the street.

One day, when we were playing, he confided to me that he was a “rescue.” I confessed that I didn’t know what a “rescue” was and he explained that he had been physically and emotionally abused by another group of Humans and had been removed from their home. He said he spent almost a year in some short of shelter until his present family adopted him. He says he is very happy now.

I, on the other hand, am now quite troubled. I never spent much time thinking about Humans, but I guess I thought they were nice. Now, I’m not so sure. Why would they do such a thing to my friend? Is this regular Human behaviour? Would others do the same thing? Am I in danger? I have so many questions and I don’t know who to ask. Please help me.—SCARED AND FEELING ALONE

DEAR SCARED AND FEELING ALONE: Ah, the horrors of losing one’s innocence. I feel your pain and confusion. Perhaps I can help you understand a bit more, by tackling your questions one by one. But be warned: you will never be able to understand fully because the truth is that it’s not fully understandable.

Anyone who reads this newspaper regularly, of course, knows my opinion of Humans: they’re lovely to look at…but I wouldn’t want to live with them.

Yet, many Canines do live with them and enjoy it immensely. And others suffer from it as your friend did.

We can only come to terms with what happened to your friend by understanding this first: although they exhibit a pack mentality, Humans are individuals and, as such, they act on their own much of the time. Some of these rogue Humans do despicable things but, be assured of this: these acts are not acceptable to the majority of the Human pack. Evolution has worked wonders on Humans in that way, at least.

You ask, “Is this regular Human behaviour?” And the answer is no, it’s not. Although it’s not uncommon, it’s not statistically normal for Humans to abuse Animals who live with them.

Why would they do such a thing, though? Human motivation is puzzling even to those who have been studying it for years. But, I would suggest that often the problem is rooted in their own insecurity about their place in the world, compounded by jealousy of the abilities of other species. At the individual level, many Humans simply pick on those they see as less powerful or more vulnerable because it makes them feel more powerful and less vulnerable.

Are you in danger? No one knows that for sure, but from what you say about your own home situation, it doesn’t seem as though you are. It’s always best to keep your eyes open, though, because Human behaviour can change in an instant. If you notice your Humans becoming more irritable or blaming you for things, or if they become more violent in any way, I would suggest you call the Assaulted Animals Helpline (1-899-27728583) immediately.

I regret that, in this space, I can only offer the beginning of an explanation of this very serious situation. I would, however, like to share with you this ironic twist that gives us all hope: in the vast majority of cases, Animals who have been abused by Humans are saved by other Humans.

Humans taketh away and Humans giveth.

Dear Noreen is a regular feature of The Mammalian Daily and The Mammalian Daily online. If you have a question for Noreen, please send it via Twitter at @talkswithnoreen.


lovely-to-look-at-front-coverFor more insight into Humans, buy Noreen’s book, Lovely To Look At: What Animals Should Know About Humans

Filed Under: Breaking News, Dear Noreen Advice Columns Tagged With: animal abuse, Humans, Noreen, saving animals

Noreen to join TMD commentating crew at Groundhog Day celebrations

January 30, 2015 By Juho Morsk, TMD Media Reporter

Official Noreen

Noreen will report from The Park’s Groundhog Day celebrations

Noreen will be joining The Mammalian Daily’s commentating crew as they tweet live from The Park’s annual Groundhog Day celebrations.

The Mammalian Daily advice columnist, who will resume her duties at the newspaper in mid-February, says she is “thrilled” to have the opportunity to connect with celebrants at the event as well as with those at home.

“Groundhog Day is one of the most important days on The Park’s calendar. I feel privileged to have been asked to communicate the wonder of it all through social media,” she said in a statement released today.

The columnist, who is also adjunct professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier, has been on leave since November. She has been promoting her book, Lovely To Look At, outside The Park and said in a radio interview last week that she intends to write about her experiences as soon as she gets back to work.

Follow the Groundhog Day celebrations on Twitter!


 

lovely-to-look-at-front-coverClick on the picture to order Noreen’s book today!

Filed Under: Breaking News, Groundhog Day/POPS Election and Prediction, Media, Park Life Tagged With: Groundhog Day, Lovely To Look At, Noreen

Park Animals may be predisposed to eating Human food: Noreen

October 31, 2014 By Keelin Gabhar, TMD Health and Science Reporter

Official Noreen

Park Animals may be predisposed to eating Human food: Noreen

We shouldn’t judge Park Finance Officer Milton Struts too harshly if, in fact, he did accept an offer of food from Humans.[pullquote]The prolonged exposure to Humans experienced by Park Animals has had a profound effect on our senses, most notably our senses of smell and taste. — Noreen [/pullquote]

So writes Noreen, Mammalian Daily advice columnist and adjunct professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier, who begins a leave of absence tomorrow to promote her new book, Lovely To Look At.

In an open letter to be published this weekend on The Mammalian Daily web site, Noreen encourages Park citizens to be “tolerant of the effects that proximity to Humans has had on our population.”

“There is scientific evidence that has come to us from experiments performed at the University of West Terrier that indicates very strongly that the prolonged exposure to Humans experienced by Park Animals has had a profound effect on our senses, most notably our senses of smell and taste,” she writes.

It is not surprising, then, that we have developed a taste for Human food, despite its inferior quality and our limited ability to digest it.

“Time was, no Park Animal would even consider eating something a Human eats. But times have changed. Not only do we consider it, but many more of us than we realize actually do it. It is the ‘dirty little secret’ that many Animals will not speak about. Whether or not Mr. Struts did eat the food as has been reported, it opens up a dialogue that we should have had a long time ago.” she writes.


lovely-to-look-at-front-coverNoreen’s book, Lovely To Look At, will be published in early November.
Copies will be available for purchase at the Toronto International Book Fair (November 13-16) and on the publisher’s web site thereafter.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Health and Medicine, Noreen, Park Life Tagged With: book, Lovely To Look At, Noreen

One last assignment: Noreen to cover Frankfurt Book Fair before leave starts

October 2, 2014 By Aednat Eilifint, TMD Arts and Entertainment Reporter

Noreen official badge portraitNoreen will be taking a short break from her work here at The Mammalian Daily in order to promote her book, Lovely To Look At.

But before her leave starts on November 1, she has accepted one last Mammalian Daily assignment: covering the Frankfurt Book Fair in early October.

In a press release dated today, Mammalian Daily managing editor Orphea Haas confirmed both Noreen’s six-month leave from the paper and her last assignment:

It is with great pleasure that we announce today that our advice columnist Noreen will be taking a six-month leave of absence commencing November 1. She will be spending that time promoting her book, Lovely To Look At.

Before she leaves us, though, Noreen has accepted one last assignment. She will be covering the Frankfurt Book Fair (http://buchmesse.de/en/) between October 8 and October 12. We take pride in being the only Park newspaper to be sending a correspondent to the largest book fair in the world.

Although we will miss her come November, all of us at The Mammalian Daily wish her great success in this and in her future endeavours.” 

Stay connected to Noreen by following her on Instagram and Twitter:

Noreen reporting from the Frankfurt Book Fair: http://twitter.com/NoreenatTheFair

Instagram: http://instagram.com/officialnoreen/

Talks with Noreen on Twitter: http://twitter.com/talkswithnoreen

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, Noreen, Park Life, The Arts, Entertainment, and Culture Tagged With: books, Frankfurt Book Fair, Noreen, publishing

Data Tree hacking: Police issue update

September 9, 2014 By TMD Crime Reporters

tree hacked

Tree hacking update: Humans responsible, say Police

At a press conference this morning, Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of the Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) issued an update on the April hacking of one of The Park’s largest Data Trees.

Flanked by Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU) and C. Astrid H. Ant, Head of The Park’s Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS), Addax confirmed that data Retrievers working for the private firm AROO had recovered enough data to confirm that Humans were involved in the hacking.

“The data, in combination with the debris that was recovered from the site by my team, confirm beyond any doubt that Humans were the perpetrators of the crime,” the ASIS head told reporters.

Also in attendance at the press event was Sierpinski Squirrel, Chief Financial Officer of A. Corn and Partners. The Squirrel’s firm stored most of their data in the Tree, which is believed to be more than 70 years old.

“They [the data Retrievers] were able to retrieve much of our client data and for that we are extremely grateful, but this has been a very challenging few months for us and for our customers,” the Squirrel said after the press conference.

When asked whether the investigation was now considered closed, Addax admitted that options were limited, but denied that Police had formally closed the investigation.

“No, we consider the investigation to still be open, but the sad fact is that we have no control over Humans. We cannot prosecute them, either inside or outside The Park and we cannot recover damages from them. Our only options are to try and prevent such things from happening again and to that end, we are working to develop new security policies. The investigation will remain open until we have these policies in place,” he said.

Filed Under: Breaking News, Economy and Business, Park Life Tagged With: data, hacking, Noreen, police

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