The Mammalian Daily

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Archives for July 2024

OTD in 2011—New social networking site to offer scent option

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gewpergreenlogoPark Animals who use social networking sites to connect with friends and family will soon be able to avail themselves of a new option. If all goes well with its final tweaking, gewper, set to open its virtual doors on August 1, will offer users the ability to smell those they know and those they might wish to know in the future.

Over a period of more than two years, RhinoTech, Inc., the new site’s developer, has been collaborating with Enterprises Moufettes, S.A., makers of the popular scent-masking product, FeralNoMore™, to create what company executives are calling “the ultimate Animal experience in the virtual world.”

“This new site is nothing short of revolutionary,” said a RhinoTech spokesAnimal at a press conference last week.

“For the first time in history, a [social networking] site will be Animal-centric…able to deliver the kind of information that Animals have been asking for and need,” she said.

gewper (pronounced “Gooper”) will allow members to upload their scent to the site’s servers. Those whom members have designated as having the right to do so will be able to download the scent from the site simply by pressing the “Scent” button.

Membership in the site will be free of charge, the spokesanimal confirmed, as will be the scent download.  The site’s developers believe that gewper will be so successful that it will generate enough advertising revenue in its first year to pay for their next online venture: a site that will allow members to touch each other, literally, across cyberspace.  According to RhinoTech, the desire for that feature tops the list in its most recent consumer survey.

“I know many Animals who would just love to be able to butt heads with their friends across the world,” said the RhinoTech spokesAnimal.

OTD in 2013—Park Animals enraged by “third prong” of tourism strategy

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Park Tourism

Enraged Park Animals are planning to protest formally against the latest move by the 2013 Archons to promote tourism in The Park.

The third prong of the so-called “three-prong tourism strategy” that was laid out by the 2012 Archons calls for a change in Animals’ behaviour “to make tourists feel as if they are a welcome and valuable addition to our lives.”

In order to effect this behavioural change, the newly-established Park Office of Tourism (POT) has published a brochure outlining the new strategy and calling for Animals to act as “a more polite and welcoming guide to The Park.”

The brochure, which was distributed last week to all retail shops, grooming houses, and restaurants will be made available to Park Animals at their homes, as well. In it, the POT explains the new strategy in detail and offers a reference table of phrases that “work well with non-resident Animals, including Humans.” The brochure also includes a section of illustrated Animal facial expressions and assigns them scores according to how close they come to being “the most favourable visage for a tourist to encounter.”

Not surprisingly, the new strategy and the brochure have ignited a firestorm. They’ve also prompted some Park residents to form an anti-tourism group that is calling itself “NoPARKing.”  The group’s president, Emmanuelle Musaraigne, has pledged that her group will not let the Archons get away with what she calls “the most ridiculous scheme ever.”

“This whole idea is outrageous, costly and damaging to our way of life,” she said in an interview this morning. “We have to put a stop to it now, before it takes over our lives.”

The original tourism plan, which was revealed to the public last June, was conceived by 2012 Chief Archon George Newt as a way of opening up a new revenue stream for The Park. The plan was met with skepticism initially and has continued to anger Park residents, even though many hoped it would benefit The Park both financially and culturally.

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OTD in 2012—MMBP to sponsor “Archonic Visions” travelling exhibition

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The Marine Mammal Bank of The Park announced on Friday that it has agreed to sponsor The Park Museum’s first travelling exhibition this year.

MMBP’s Chief Executive Officer, Alphonse Dolphin, made the announcement at a morning press conference. Flanked by members of the Museum’s Board of Governors, Dolphin said his bank “jumped at the chance” to partner with the Museum on such an important occasion.

“We are proud and honoured to be sponsors of this [travelling] exhibition,” he said. “The Marine Mammal Bank has a proud history, as do The Park and its citizens, and we look forward to a long and happy association with the new Museum.”

The exhibition, entitled “Archonic Visions,” will chronicle the changes that have occurred in The Park since the establishment of zoocracy thirty years ago. The exhibition will focus on the ideas and accomplishments of the Archons who served in the government from the first year of zoocracy until the end of 2010.

“Each set of Archons left its footprint and changed life in The Park in some way. We want to highlight that and at the same time, perhaps, awaken in our citizens the desire for a deeper understanding of our history,” said Sukuta Rhinoceros, a member of the Board of Governors and one of the museum’s founders.

Rhinoceros also hopes the travelling exhibition will increase Animals’ interest in the new museum. “We see this exhibition as an invitation to our fellow citizens…to join us on our journey,” he said.

Groundbreaking ceremonies for the new museum are scheduled for September. The museum is expected to open its doors late in 2013.

OTD in 2014—Crimes of “specist nature” up: Police

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Specist crime increasingCrimes of a “specist nature” are on the increase, according to a report compiled by Park Police.

The report, which was presented yesterday at an ad hoc meeting of the Department of Well-Being and Safety, was compiled by Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) and the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU). It includes raw crime statistics as well as an analysis of expressed attitudinal changes. The data cover the period between 2010 and 2013.

In a joint statement today, Cornelius Kakapo, the DWBS Director of Public Relations, Inspector Maurice Addax of the Specist and Hate Crimes Unit, and Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit called the report “alarming” and “a call to action.”

“We cannot afford to ignore what we are seeing,” Kakapo wrote in the statement, confirming that his department has noticed an uptick in the reports of danger and perceived danger to body and dwelling.

In a radio interview this morning, Inspector Addax concurred.

“For the first time since the establishment of zoocracy, the threat to our safety appears to be coming from within The Park and not from outside. The increasing hostility among our different species is most disturbing ,” he said.

OTD in 2016—Park Museum to present Holstein Fashion’s EDAM Collection

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Penguin in Holstein Fashion outfit

The Park Museum announced today that it is collaborating with Holstein Fashion to present the company’s EDAM Collection as part of a new exhibition.

In a post on the museum’s web site, the Board of Governors said Dorika Pumi, head curator of the museum’s art gallery, will work closely with Holstein Fashion and Designs by Holstein to present the fashion house’s creations “in context.”

Entitled, Creations from the EDAM Collection, the exhibition “will shine a light on the plight of those who experience enforced domestication,” the post says.

The designs of the EDAM Collection were commissioned exclusively for The Park’s Enforced Domestication Awareness Month. The creations will be showcased with written commentary and the museum plans to invite experts in the field of enforced domestication, extinction anxiety, and interspecial relations to conduct seminars and Q & A sessions during the exhibition.

According to the web post, Creations from the EDAM Collection will open on August 1, 2016.

To read the full announcement, click here.

OTD in 2011: University of West Terrier to open new academic department

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The University of West Terrier announced today that it has entered into a partnership agreement with Leonardo Language and Culture Institute to offer courses through its new Department of Interspecial Studies.

In a joint statement released today, the presidents of both schools praised the officials who negotiated the agreement and said they look forward to a long and happy alliance.

“This is the first time in Park history that two academic institutions have put aside their differences and agreed to collaborate for the sake of the betterment of our mutual student body. We look forward to a long and happy alliance through which we hope to offer a new perspective while meeting the educational needs of our present and future students,” the statement read.

A spokesanimal for UWT acknowledged that the driving force behind the establishment of the new department was “a new generation of students” whose profound interest in other species and their languages was not well served by UWT’s limited course offerings.

“It has been apparent for some time that the interests of the new generation of students have not been wholly served by the traditional courses offered here [UWT],” the spokesanimal said.  “We have chosen to rise to that challenge and we hope, through this new department, to be able to convince students, both present and future, that UWT is the best place to study and grow academically.”

According to a report released last week by The Park’s Department of Education, enrollment in institutions of higher learning has increased over the past five years.  Enrollment at UWT, however, has decreased by three per cent over the last two years.  Enrollment in specialized colleges, such as the Leonardo Language and Cultural Institute, has increased by seven per cent over the last two years.

OTD in 2007—Animal sterilization rampant outside Park

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Animals who make their homes outside The Park face sterilization rates of up to ninety per cent, an investigation by a Mammalian Daily UnderCover Reporter has revealed.

According to statistics compiled for the years 21-24 AZ, sterilization affects approximately 42% of Animals who consider themselves to be permanent residents of the lands outside The Park.

“We are looking at rates for Dogs of [sometimes] 900 per thousand,” said Carmelita Ardilla, a member of the team that analyzed the data assembled by the UnderCover Reporter.

The numbers aren’t much better for Cats, either. They are being sterilized at a rate of over 800 per thousand.

“Any way you look at it, sterilizations are being performed in shockingly high numbers,” she said.

What accounts for such significantly elevated rates? The Mammalian Daily asked Dr. M. Rosario Morsa, Professor of Statistics and Well-Being at the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine, to analyze the data. In his opinion, these numbers are due, in part, to the high rate of co-habitation with Humans outside The Park.

“We keep coming back to it, over and over again,” he said. We do not want to give a simplistic answer; we do not want to lay blame where it might be inappropriate. But it is impossible to ignore this fact. Animals who cohabit with Humans are simply more likely to be sterilized than other Animals.”

Sterilization is believed to be quite fashionable in the Human world. The surgical procedure, which is known by a number of other terms, including “spaying” and “neutering,” became popular among Humans in the last century. Unsubstantiated reports circulating inside The Park indicate that it is now the preferred method of birth control for older Humans and for those who feel that their families are complete. But evidence suggests that the Human attitude toward Animal reproduction differs considerably.

One source close to the investigation, who wished to remain anonymous, revealed that sterilization among Animals who live outside The Park often occurs prior to any live births and has become “a requirement” for the co-habitation arrangement.

“I have been told by friends,” she said, “that it was made quite clear to them that they could not share quarters with Humans unless they surrendered their reproductive rights.”

Last month, an account of such a situation appeared on The Mammalian Daily’s best seller list. Author William Patrick Wolfhound’s “Life in a Gelded Cage: The Personal Memoir of a Pet,” tells the harrowing tale of one Dog’s encounter with a city’s population control policies.

Even if [Human] co-habitation customs are behind this “domestic” trend, that would not account for the alarmingly high rates of sterilization found among Animals who live independently of them. In fact, suddenly soaring rates of sterilization have become a cause célèbre for the Squirrel population, particularly those of the Grey persuasion, and that community has launched an investigation of its own.

The UWT’s Dr. Morsa cautioned that the figures compiled in the report signify a disturbing — and life-threatening – trend – and one to which Park residents should not assume themselves to be immune.

“We do not know all the causes of this trend,” he said, “but it is important to remember, at the very least, that these procedures are being done without the express consent of the Animals. These statistics, then, are indicative of an ethical issue that warrants serious and timely investigation by the entire research community.”

OTD in 2012—Hibernators blame calendar change for premature deaths

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With their friends neatly tucked in and enjoying a peaceful estivation, The Park’s hibernating communities have joined together to fight calendar harmonization, which they believe is at least partly responsible for the rise in deaths from premature awakening in their community.

“We wanted to wait until after the official estivation date to launch our fight,” said Oliver S.P. Franklin, head of the Confederation of Ground Squirrels (CGS) whose group initiated the action. “We didn’t want to alarm our friends or disturb their tranquility.”

Together, the hibernating groups plan to challenge the law known as “The Calendar Harmonization Act” in the hope of having it repealed.

“We’re confident that if we succeed in demonstrating the harm it [The Act] has done to our communities, the Archons will consider reinstating our original calendar,” Franklin says.

To that end, the hibernators have enlisted the help of a group of researchers and statisticians, including Dr. Jagger Zebu, Professor of Mammalian Medicine at the University of West Terrier and one of the authors of a recent report that documents the rise in the incidence of deaths due to premature awakening among The Park’s hibernating citizens.

Premature awakening from hibernation is defined by The Park’s Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) as a situation in which an Animal awakens from hibernation 3-4 weeks before the official date. The situation results in death 99% of the time, as Animals are often unable to find adequate sustenance so early in the season.

According to the report, deaths from premature awakening have risen 30% in the last two years.

“Coincidentally, that is the same length of time the new calendar has been in operation,” says Cormac Nuttallii, a member of the Idiosyncratic Hibernators of The Park (IHOP) and a vocal critic of calendar harmonization. His group has joined forces with the other hibernating communities to “see that justice is served,” he says.

OTD in 2016—Harmonious Humphrey and Hannah one year on: what have we learned?

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Harmonious pairIt’s been one year since the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) introduced Harmonious Humphrey and Harmonious Hannah to The Park’s Stereotype Sundays.

The pair of stuffed toys, commissioned by the DWBS to foster interspecial harmony in the hearts and minds of The Park’s youth, have spent every weekend (notwithstanding the theft and recovery of Hannah) being hugged, cuddled, bitten, pulled at, and spat on by Animals of all ages. The question is, what has been accomplished?

“I think we made a very good start,” says Cornelius Kakapo, the DWBS Public Relations Director who famously said a year ago, “It is far easier to plant a seed than it is to relocate a tree.”

“We haven’t seen the kind of shift in attitudes that we might have wanted, but I think that was an unreasonable expectation.”

According to Kakapo, the key to the harmonious pair’s success is to get young Animals interested in our differences and similarities.

“We’re using Hannah and Humphrey to create curiosity in young Animals,” he says. “That’s the reason they’re so big.”

That curiosity, the DWBS hopes, will lead to an exchange of information about different species that will, in turn, create greater understanding.

Gunnar Rotte, whose own experiences in The Park have taken him on a whirlwind tour from being a journalist to a public enemy to a counsellor at the Extinction Anxiety Clinic, says we have nothing to lose in employing the stuffed toys. But he cautions against expecting “huge gains.”

“We have to do all we can to prevent the younger generation from developing this fear of the other,” he says. “If it takes a pair of gigantic stuffed Animals, that’s all right. Just so long as we remain vigilant and we don’t expect toys to do all the work for us.”

OTD in 2016—Where’s the comma? Ancient Open-Theatre rebrands itself for a new era

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AOATWhat’s in a comma?

More than you might realize, says the head of The Park’s oldest theatre.

In an interview with The Mammalian Daily this week, Carlota Tuatara, head of the Ancient Open-Air Theatre—or AOAT, as it will be known in some circles—explained the recent rebranding of The Park’s most revered venue.

“You might not think that it makes a difference, but it does, and it’s a huge difference,” Tuatara said. “That comma is redundant and never should have been put in the theatre’s name in the first place.”

Tuatara and her board of directors contend that the comma’s position after the word “ancient” is grammatically “archaic.”

“Many of us in The Park gave up separating adjectives with commas decades ago. We took some time with it because we didn’t want to shock our supporters. But the theatre is ancient and it doesn’t need archaic grammar to tell us that twice,” she said.

As for the theatre’s new logo, Tuatara says they looked for “simplicity above all.”

“This theatre was built to be functional and to last. We wanted a logo that said that loud and clear. ‘Here’s the stage. Here are the seats.’ We pored through thousands of submissions before we decided on the one that really spoke to us,” she said.

So, what else will be changing at the AOAT?

While Tuatara was coy about any further changes, she was effusive about the possibilities the future holds.

“We took this theatre from classic drama to the Toe-Hair Contest and huge, multi-artist concerts. We’ve done wonders over the years, making it relevant to the daily life of Park residents and we’re looking to build on that success in the future,” she said.

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