The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2012—Security breach at LynxedIN leaves hundreds vulnerable

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A security breach at the network run by the LynxLink charity has left hundreds of The Park’s immigrant and refugee Lynx and their families vulnerable to abduction, incarceration, and murder.

A spokesAnimal for the charity, which assists immigrants to The Park through its LynxedIN network, told The Mammalian Daily that the charity discovered the breach late last night.

“We became aware of a problem with our systems and immediately shut down our network.  IT experts from the University of West Terrier arrived within an hour to help us,” she said.

Unfortunately, the IT help came too late for The Park’s Lynx. Experts discovered that the identities of hundreds of Lynx were stolen from the charity’s systems.

“It’s a worry, to be sure,” says LynxLink spokesAnimal Lucia Castilla. “Some very sensitive information has been stolen from our database, including the names and addresses of Lynx who have escaped from zoological parks and so-called ‘nature reserves’. The Humans who run these are very aggressive; they’ve been looking for these Lynx and they will stop at nothing to find them. Unfortunately, this has made it easier for them to do so.”

LynxLink confirmed that it has advised all Park Lynx of the problem and the charity has assured them that it will assist them in all ways possible to maintain their security within The Park.

“The safety of The Park’s Lynx is of paramount importance to everyone,” says a message on LynxLink’s web site this morning.

OTD in 2015—Noreen to appear on Yannis Tavros show to discuss phenomenon of superfans

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YannisTavros

Yannis Tavros will devote his show on Wednesday to the subject of superfans

Yannis Tavros will devote his Wednesday afternoon radio talk show to the subject of superfans and his special guest will be Noreen.

In a press release issued today, Toro Talk Radio confirmed the appearance of the Mammalian Daily advice columnist and Adjunct Professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier:

“Toro Talk Radio is pleased to announce that Noreen will join Yannis Tavros on his show on Wednesday. The subject will be the phenomenon of the superfan. Yannis will be taking calls throughout the show and callers will also have the opportunity to talk directly to Noreen,” the press release said.

In his pre-show podcast yesterday, Tavros said he’d been thinking about the subject of superfans for a while, but it had become a more timely issue after the recent death of Millicent Hayberry’s superfan Xanthippe Porcupine.

“I’ve been doing some research on the subject and I have to say I find it fascinating,” he said in the podcast. “The rôle of the superfan has changed significantly in the last few years and I look forward to discussing it with Noreen, the Animal whom some consider to be the ultimate superfan.”

Noreen’s loyalty to Thisbe and the Barkettes is legendary in The Park, and she has on many occasions attributed her entire career success to them. In fact, she dedicated her first book, Lovely To Look At: What Animals Should Know About Humans to the musical group.

lovely-to-look-at-front-coverBuy Noreen’s book here.

OTD in 2014—Fowl Ball funds Avian retirement home

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Fowl BallA portion of the proceeds from the annual Fowl Ball will be used to build and maintain a retirement residence for wounded and elderly members of The Park’s Avian community.

The event’s chief organizer Rafael Ortega made the announcement at a press conference early this morning.

Flanked by members of the Fowl Ball’s board of directors and by executives from the construction company Simply Structures, Ortega thanked all Park residents for their “overwhelming support” of the Fowl Ball.

“Just in this first year, we have taken in more funds than we expected to have after three years and we have all of you to thank,” he said.

“And because of your generosity, the board of directors has deemed it feasible to dedicate a portion of those funds annually to the welfare of our elderly and wounded Avians.”

In a post-conference interview, Ortega said The Park has a growing population of wounded and elderly Avians, many of whom find migration difficult or impossible. The new residence will be built to shelter these Birds from the cold during the Winter season. He said he hopes the new home will be ready to welcome residents by the Winter of 2018.

OTD in 2014—Park remembers Imogen Aardeekhoorn

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Basket of apricotsBaskets of fruit and nuts began to appear in front of the Park Repertory Theatre yesterday afternoon, as news broke of the death of beloved playwright Imogen Aardeekhoorn.

By evening, the door to the theatre was blocked by the hundreds of offerings and notes of condolence, thanks, and appreciation left by the playwright’s fans.

“You were and always will be a role model for small Animals,” one note read. “Your honesty will serve for generations,” read another.

“We started getting orders, I would say, right away,” says Beatrice T. Orang of Provisions by Petrounel.

“Imogen was one of our best customers and Animals wanted to know what her favourite fruits and vegetables and nuts were. They wanted to leave them for her in remembrance.”

In a statement issued this morning, The Nut Bar advised customers, “We are now running low on supplies due to the outpouring of grief at the death of playwright Imogen Aardeekhoorn. Please be patient with us. We will make every attempt to fill your orders as supplies come in.”

Meanwhile, the theatre itself is trying to cope with the outpouring of grief. An announcement issued this morning said that it will remain dark for the rest of the week. Instead of going about their usual business, actors, stage managers, ticket sellers and the like are comforting visitors and tending to the offerings. A spokesAnimal for the theatre confirmed that a memorial service for Aardeekhoorn that was originally scheduled to take place at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre will be held here, instead.

“This was Imogen’s home and we welcome the opportunity to embrace her family, friends, and fans,” the spokesAnimal said.

Details of the memorial service will be posted at the theatre shortly.

OTD in 2015—”Plumpen Rolletariat” artist to open PMoCA’s new exhibition in August

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Ingolf EwaldArtist Ingolf Ewald, known for his painting, “Plumpen Rolletariat,” has been selected to open the Park Museum of Contemporary Art’s newest exhibition in August.

The PMoCA’s head curator Aamuun Maroodiga made the announcement in a press release this morning:

“On behalf of the Park Museum of Contemporary Art, I am pleased to announce that artist Ingolf Ewald has graciously accepted our invitation to open our upcoming exhibition, ‘Art of the Domestic Feline,’ at a gala to be held at the museum on August 8,” the press release reads.

Ewald, who has courted controversy for over a decade with this particular painting, posted on his own web site that he was honoured by the request.

“When Aamuun Maroodiga asked me to lend my painting to the museum for the purpose of an exhibition, I said yes immediately,” he wrote.

“I have always been a supporter of the domestic art movement, since my origins lie in that territory. But this exhibition is special to me, because the curator is a close acquaintance and because I know that my work will be among other great works of domestic art.”

Although Ewald has sold many of his paintings, he maintains ownership of “Plumpen Rolletariat” and has never lent it to an exhibition before.

According to the museum’s web site, the opening gala will include an auction of a more recent work by Ewald, the proceeds from which will be donated to the CatsCare charity.

OTD in 2015—AnonyMoose claims responsibility for latest Tree hacking in Park

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AnonyMooseAnonyMoose has claimed responsibility for the latest hacking of a Park Tree.

In an email sent to all Park newspapers, the notorious enemy of zoocracy says it was he who hacked the Maple Tree outside The Battering Ram Café last Wednesday.

“I did it to gain your attention, to rouse you from your stupor,” he said in the email, which is addressed to “Fellow Park citizens and members of the media.”

In the email, AnonyMoose outlines the reasons for his disaffection with Park government and chides his fellow citizens for their complacency.

“Year after year, the Archons’ inability to govern this Park appears to go unnoticed. Every January, we celebrate the swearing-in of some of the most incompetent Animals in our midst and happily entrust them with our welfare. Over the past three years, the Finance Office has demonstrated its inability to present an appropriate budget. Sortition and zoocracy do not work, my fellow citizens. If you have any interest in saving this ailing Park, I implore you: show your claws and teeth, overtake the Archons before it is too late and return the running of our lives to those who do it best: the citizens.”

Nowhere in the email, which runs for three pages, does AnonyMoose show any remorse for what he did to the Tree or to Jerzy Szop, whose home was destroyed when the Tree was hacked. The Maple Tree itself is currently receiving treatment from a Tree doctor, but it is too early to tell whether it will survive.

Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of the Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) issued a communiqué following the receipt of the email. In it, he said that his team is “on the trail” of AnonyMoose.

“We hope to be able to deliver him for an appearance before the courts very soon,” the communiqué said.

OTD in 2015—Winners of tickets to Barkettes’ free concert to be announced Tuesday

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Barkettes #4 ticketThe winners of the lottery for tickets to the Barkettes’ free concert at the Tartan Crab Memorial Pond will be announced tomorrow.

In a joint statement released this morning, the promoter, Iglu Entertainment, and the group’s manager, Hilde Blaft, confirmed that the winners will be selected in a live presentation that will be held outside the law courts and broadcast on a number of Park television stations.

The statement also confirmed that Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon will preside over the selection process but will not personally handle any of the ticket requests.

The presentation will begin at 11:00 in the morning. According to the concert’s organizers, there are 20,000 tickets up for grabs, including direct skyview tickets. There are also at least 2,000 underwater spaces available.

The free concert will honour the memory of the Tartan Crab, the victim of The Park’s most famous unsolved murder. The Crab, who was Nestor’s pet, was brutally murdered eight years ago and Police still have no idea of the identity of the crime’s perpetrator.

The July 26 concert, which begins at 8:00 p.m., is the only free event announced thus far in Thisbe and the Barkettes’ Bring Your Own Bone Tour. The Park leg of the tour will wrap up at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre in August.

OTD in 2011—Reality TV series planned for Herman Stoat dance company

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Choreographer Herman Stoat confirmed today that he has signed a deal with Pussyfoot Productions, S.A. for the filming of a reality television series based on the inner workings of his eponymous dance company.

The as-yet unnamed series will begin filming this September and will likely be broadcast early in the new year.  The production company confirmed that, thus far, it has not found a buyer for the series, although “serious negotiations” are reported to be ongoing with Vertebrate Vision (VVTV).

The Herman Stoat Dance Company was founded in 15 AZ (1997).  Under the artistic directorship of Herman Stoat, the company has flourished and garnered accolades from professionals and critics across the entire spectrum of dance.

Pussyfoot Productions, S.A. is a full-service television production company.  The company, which was founded in 25 AZ (2007) has been responsible for the production of many popular television mini-series, including Cackler: Behind the Voice, Sunbittern: My True Story, and Balthasar: The Making of a Modern Rhinoceros.

OTD in 2015—Tall Tail Books moves into Human market with “explainer videos” of books

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Tall Tail BooksRevered Park publisher Tall Tail Books announced yesterday that it will be making its first foray into the Human market this Autumn with a series of “explainer videos” of its most popular books.

The company, whose books include “Albert: A Life on the Street,” “Once Around the Block with Foster,” and “When All Good Things Begin with B,” confirmed in a statement released yesterday that it sees “great potential” in expanding into the Human market.

“We are confident that Humans will be able to understand and enjoy our books as long as they are explained to them carefully and we believe that our products will add value to what is already a large market,” said the statement, which was signed by company president Nathania T. Manx.

The first of the explainer videos will be released in late September, according to a company spokesAnimal. Tall Tail has engaged the services of one of The Park’s major animation companies, AniMAZZA, to produce the videos. AniMAZZA’s work includes the film, Peter Popinjay, which was screened at the 2009 Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF).

Tall Tail Books was founded as the “Small Animal’s Publisher” by writer and editor Thomas Owen Manx, who saw the need for small Animals to share their experience in the world. After Manx’s death, his daughter Nathania assumed the presidency of the company.

OTD in 2008—Editorial: When beggars become choosers, we all become losers

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The line at the top of the CatsCare letterhead tugs at the heartstrings: “When the heart is full, the stomach rarely grumbles.”

How ironic that exhortation to all of us to feel for the less fortunate seems now, in light of the recent undoing of that charity’s board and the unseating of Bentley, its founder and president.

While it is too early in the investigation to render the final judgment, it is much too late for the rest of us to pretend that we had no inkling that something was rotten in the state of one of The Park’s oldest charities.

To be sure, there were signs. First among them was the 22 AZ decision made by the CatsCare board to accept only cash donations.

When a charity that feeds, houses, and provides medical care for needy Cats refuses to take donations in kind, what are we to make of it? And what, we must ask, is the effect of such a policy, not only on the recipients of their charitable aid, but on the donating population, as well?

In the case of CatsCare, the policy’s intentions have become all too clear in recent months. Yet, the effects of this folly have been far more profound than anyone ever intended: for, while Bentley and his board were busy fattening up their bank accounts with Ftoo siphoned off from donated funds, they were, at the same time, violating the trust of those who rely on them, abusing the trust of their donors, and shattering the confidence of all Park Animals in the idea of assisting each other by means of institutions set up for that purpose.

The breach is wide. The healing will take much time. But profound changes must occur.

No matter what the courts find, it is clear that CatsCare violated the code of ethics. Yet, where, in law, can we find this code of ethics? Alas, we cannot, for we have not committed it to law. This we must do, now. We must inscribe in law what we believe to be the proper behaviour for our charities. We must also imbed in any definition of “charity” this simple but essential idea: that we must take from our donors and give to the needy whatever it is that they need in such form as they require it. Only then can we restore the confidence of the donating public.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

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