The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

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OTD in 2012—Park celebrations “joyous” despite heavy police presence

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Not even the presence of a record number of police officers could mar Park residents’ enjoyment of this year’s Autumn festivals.

In fact, according to its organizers, the 20th annual Harvest Festival saw its largest turnout in history on Thursday. Friday’s annual Snowbird Farewell was also an extremely popular event this year.

“We were a bit worried, what with the recent violence, that fewer Animals would show up,” said Cécile Bardot, who assumed the position of president of the organizing committee in March.

“But, as it turns out, we had nothing to worry about. It was a joyous, joyous occasion, full of food and fun and music and laughter…[it was] a real celebration of the work that we accomplished this year.”

And, although festival-goers did notice the police, many seemed not to mind.

“It’s unusual to see police here,” acknowledged Dewi Beruang, who has attended the last seven Harvest Festivals. “I just assumed they came to celebrate, just like we did, and they seemed to be having a good time,” she said.

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SEE ALSO:

                Hundreds jailed after Noon Nuttiness protest turns violent
                Has Anixi Agrarian Jubilee become too politicized?
                Archons, PFO blasted over Human Direct Investment in Park
                Food production scandal rocks Park 

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Indeed, they did have a good time, according to Gareth Shepherd, President of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW), who oversaw security at both festivals. But, that wasn’t their prime objective.

“We were here to make sure that peace prevailed,” he said.

Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations confirmed that the department felt the need for an obvious police presence at the two celebrations.

“We were sensing a degree of unrest in the populace, and with the two festivals coming so soon after the Noon Nuttiness fiasco, we didn’t think we could take any chances,” she said.

OTD in 2015—Less than three weeks left to confirm your eligibility for Archon selection: DPA

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The Department of Political Administration (DPA) has issued a reminder to all Park citizens: you have until the end of October to confirm your eligibility to stand as a candidate for Archon.

“The department wishes to remind all adult Park citizens that, by law, they must confirm their eligibility to stand as candidates for Archon and they must do so by the end of October,” says the reminder.

According to the rules of zoocracy, illness constitutes the only exception to this rule. Animals who are ill and who believe they would be unable to fulfil their duties as Archon due to their illness are required to advise the department of their circumstances by submitting a Form 12.

“Since sortition is the method by which we select Archons, we depend on the full cooperation of adult citizens,” DPA spokesAnimal Antoinette Fourmi said in a radio interview this morning.

And lest you consider withholding your name for any reason, Fourmi reminded listeners that last year, one citizen did just that and found himself charged and convicted  of “Cease to Care.”

“Because all of this was established at the time of zoocracy as an obligation of citizenship, we take it very seriously when Animals refuse to participate,” she said.

OTD in 2011—Inktvis and Krake perform at annual Snowbird sendoff

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Inktvis and Krake, the current darlings of The Park’s musical scene, performed before a packed crowd at last night’s Snowbird Farewell. The pair played alongside The Canary Cousins and the rap group, The Tweeters, marking the first time in Park history that non-Avian musicians have been invited to perform at the annual festival.

“We were delighted that they accepted [our invitation],” said Arabella Hawk, spokesBird for the yearly event.  “The more species that come out to participate in our celebration, the more the Avian citizens of The Park feel the love. It helps us to know that we’ll be welcome when we return in the Spring.”

The aquatic pair performed a selection of songs and instrumentals from their earlier recordings as well as their current hit, 3 Hearts, 1 Head. As the festival drew to a close, they returned to the stage to sing backup for The Canary Cousins during their encore of Life is Tweet.

 

OTD in 2016—On the docket: these are the trials to follow this October

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Mr Justice Augustus Dindon

The law courts will be busy this month, dealing with a number of high-profile cases scheduled to be heard by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon.

Below is a list of trials to watch in October.

October 17: The Park v Gunnar Rotte: charged with disturbing the peace and inciting violence at a Stereotype Sunday event in August.

October 19: The Park v The Gang of Twenty-One: charged with committing crimes of a specist nature in connection with throwing spitballs at the director and other attendees at the premiere of the movie, WINK.

October 24: The Park v Paulus Koer: The police officer was charged with two counts of biting resulting in injury at a PIFF after-after party on October 5.

October 27: The Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP), the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF), Runaway Rovers, Home to Roost, et al. v The Park and the Department of Holidays, Festivals and Celebrations: In the matter of Rule #7 and the restriction of the right to assemble and the right to exercise free speech at the annual Harvest Festival, the aforementioned groups request the overturning of the rule.

OTD in 2015—Slowly but surely, The Mammalian Daily is adding full bylines to its articles

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cat newspaperOur astute readers probably have noticed something new on The Mammalian Daily’s web site. And many of them might be saying to themselves, “It’s high time.”

Yes, dear readers, we have embarked on a road that will lead to complete transparency in our reporting within the next few years.

In doing so, however, we are not responding to our critics—many though they’ve been— so much as we are moving forward of our own volition toward a goal we’ve had for some time.

As I explained at a press conference almost six months ago to the day, The Mammalian Daily has had a longstanding policy of anonymous reporting. This policy constituted part of the terms of our journalists’ contracts and for that reason we could do nothing but wait, either for those contracts’ expiration or for our journalists to agree to a new policy.

We’ve been fortunate to have several of our veteran reporters agree to have their names (and, thus, their species, in many cases) appear in the paper. So, let me introduce you to this handful of TMD trailblazers whose work is much respected by Park citizens. They will be joined shortly by others of equal merit.

 

Aivis Burunduks, TMD PIFF Reporter

Renée Simone Canard, TMD Gossip Reporter

Elspeth Duper, TMD Social Events Reporter

Bergrún Íkorna, TMD Business Reporter

Jaakkima Kuikka, TMD Mental Health Reporter

Johan Slon, TMD Music Reporter

OTD in 2014—Simply Structures loses bid to build 2015 prognostication pad

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jgroundhogdayThe Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations announced today that it has selected Nesthetics as the provider of the 2015 Groundhog Day prognostication pad.

In a short statement released this morning, the department said it was impressed by the company’s bid and by the foresight it demonstrated with regard to the sturdiness of materials and design.

This is a huge blow to Simply Structures, the company that has supplied the materials, design, and construction of the prognostication pad for over ten years.

In the statement, the department acknowledged its longstanding relationship with Simply Structures, expressing appreciation for their work in the past and saying it hopes they will bid again for the job in the coming years.

Simply Structures has made no response to the decision thus far, but The Park’s business leaders say they are flabbergasted by the decision.

“Not to put too fine a point on it, but I think this has to do with last year’s shadow controversy,” said Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio this afternoon.

“And I think it’s despicable if that’s the case, because they’re letting a few disgruntled Animals who didn’t like the prediction to dictate the fate of a very good business.”

Sierpinski Squirrel, Chief Financial Officer of A. Corn and Partners, agrees.

“This will be a huge blow to their bottom line and, quite frankly, I don’t think the decision is justified,” he said. “I think it’s a knee-jerk reaction. They’re covering themselves in case the same kind of controversy occurs this year and I don’t think that’s the right move.”

The controversy last year began seconds after Solange Marmotte, 2014 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), declared that The Park could expect another six weeks of Winter because she had seen her shadow. A group of disgruntled spectators claimed the shadow that Marmotte had seen was not her own, but one that appeared as a result of a fault in the Prognostication Pad.

The organizers brought in a team of shadow experts to rule on the matter and they decided that, given the paw and claw that appeared on the artists’ tracings, the shadow must indeed have been Marmotte’s. Shortly thereafter, Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon signed the Official POPS’ Proclamation.

A lawsuit filed by the group of disgruntled spectators was thrown out of the courts a short time later.

OTD in 2016—Stan the Spitman speaks out about the use and misuse of his product at PIFF

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Park Interspecial Film FestivalLess than a week after the end of the Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF), Stan the Spitman is speaking out about the unlawful use of his product at PIFF events.

In an op-ed piece published today in The Burro Beacon, Estanislao “Stan” Gonzalo de Llama condemned in no uncertain terms what some Animals did with his product at the film festival. And he let it be known that he intends to put a stop to it.

“I am proud of what I make and I don’t make it to be used to attack others, particularly others whose species or politics differ from my own,” he wrote in the newspaper.

The second generation SpitMeister (master of the art of spitmaking) was referring to the repeated use of spitballs at the screening of WINK, which opened the festival on October 1. Police charged twenty-one Animals with crimes of a specist nature after they threw spitballs at the director and other attendees as they entered the Park Cinema.

Although Stan has never condoned that sort of behaviour, he expressed a different view about it in Searching for the Spitman: A Journey Through Foam, Froth, and Fun, a film about his life that premiered at PIFF 2015.

In that film, he estimated that ninety per cent of his products go toward humiliating other Animals.

“It’s a fact of life in the profession,” he said. “But it doesn’t keep me up at night.”

In today’s o-ed piece, however, he said he’d changed his mind after witnessing events at this year’s festival.

“I can’t stand by and watch Animals use my product that way anymore,” he wrote. “It needs to stop.”

OTD in 2014—Tavros calls Kanariar “foolish, traitor”

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YannisTavros Toro Talk Radio talk show host Yannis Tavros has found himself in hot water once again over remarks he made about Aintza Kanariar of The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations.

Following an interview that he conducted last week with the Public Relations Director, Tavros called her “foolish,” “a traitor,” and “lacking in insight.”

The radio talk show host, who is known for his candid talk and less than flattering view of Park officials and celebrities, has refused to respond to queries regarding the remarks.

A spokesAnimal for the radio station says they are “investigating the matter.”

“Naturally, we take its seriously, but I want to stress that whether or not he made the remarks, he was not at any time speaking on behalf of Toro Talk Radio,” the spokesAnimal said.

While even some of Tavros’s staunchest supporters have called it “tactless” and “counterproductive,” others say that it’s high time Animals stopped acting as if Park employees were beyond criticism.

Hieronymous Hedgehog, who was himself criticized quite harshly by Tavros almost two years ago, came to Tavros’s defence earlier this afternoon.

“I say, I think he has a point. Is she acting in our best interest or her own?” he asked.

Kanariar has not responded to the alleged remarks, nor has the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations.

OTD in 2011—Park Post office unveils historical stamps

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Lion Cave Painting

The Park Post Office has unveiled its new set of historical stamps. The stamps will go on sale on November 1 and will be available at the Post Office building as well as at selected retailers throughout The Park. The new stamps commemorate the following:
The Discovery of the Cave Paintings
The Park Interspecial Film Festival
Higher Education in The Park
The Feline Fiction Fest
The Park Broadcasting Corporation
The Archons of Zoocracy
Jor, The Park’s first leader


 

 

 

 

 

 

OTD in 2014—Park Finance Officer mobbed at last night’s PIFF awards ceremony

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Park Interspecial Film FestivalPark Finance Officer Milton Struts was mobbed last night, according to witnesses, as he attempted to enter the Park Cinema for the Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF) awards presentation.

Several attendees, some of whom were producers whose films were up for awards, said that four of the Guard Dogs stationed at the entrance had to intervene when a group representing the Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC) started to bite Struts as he passed by.

One witness said that some of the Animals pulled at Struts’s feathers, while another confirmed that “more than one” sent spitballs his way.

“They were hopping mad [about the budget] and they weren’t going to let him pass without letting him know,” said one source who wished to remain anonymous.

Other Animals claimed that Stan the Spit Man, whose signature slogan is “Spitballs from Heaven!” instigated the attack on Struts as a publicity stunt to promote his business.

“There was sort of a pop-up spit shop right behind the Park Cinema. I saw it,” said witness Konrad Eule.

Calls to Stan the Spit Man have not been answered directly, but through a spokesAnimal, Stan denied any involvement in the campaign against Struts.

“Stan the Spit Man does not involve himself in politics,” the spokesAnimal said. “Nor does he endorse the use of spitballs for political purposes.”

Struts, who was ushered into the Cinema for the awards presentation, was not seen exiting at the end of the evening. He is believed to have stayed at the Cinema until it was safe for him to be escorted home by Park Police.

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