The Mammalian Daily

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“Think Safety” the theme of this year’s travel advisory, say police, DWBS

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The theme of this year’s travel advisory is “Think Safety.”[pullquote]Be aware that certain events that occurred this year in the Human world may have an effect on Humans’ encounters with other Animals.—Park Police, Department of Well-Being and Safety [/pullquote]

As they issued their annual advisory for travel both inside and outside The Park, the police and the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) warned Animals to be “extra-vigilant” when interacting with Humans this holiday season.

“As usual, be aware of your surroundings and be vigilant when interacting with Humans. But be aware that certain events that occurred this year in the Human world may have an effect on Humans’ encounters with other Animals,” the advisory warns.

In particular, Animals are warned against interacting with Humans who exhibit sentimental behaviour or who appear to be seeking comfort through association with other Animals.

“Park Animals should be on the lookout for a number of types of suspicious behaviour displayed by Humans. If, for instance, Humans attempt to entice you with food, make cooing noises at you or call you by names with which you are not familiar (such as ‘sweetie’ or ‘cutie’), if they speak of their desire for ‘animal companionship,’ ‘snuggles,’ or if say that they want to ‘rescue’ or ‘save’ you, this should prompt you to leave their company immediately. Do not hesitate to do so,” the advisory says.

“The sentimentality of the season has always affected Human behaviour and made them more likely to succumb to urges to take Animals home with them or to give them as gifts to other Humans,” says DWBS Director of Public Relations, Cornelius Kakapo.

“But this year, that urge may be stronger, with many more Humans having been combatants in war or having been displaced from their homelands. Under normal circumstances, Humans easily lose the ability to see Animals as captains of their own destiny and believe they’re doing good when they remove us forcibly from our homes and families. Under even more strained circumstances, they can begin to believe that Animals exist for their own benefit and comfort,” he says.

Any Animal who does experience a problem with Humans is encouraged to report the incident immediately to one of the following DWBS hotlines:

Feral Cat Helpline: 1-899-33725228
Assaulted Animals Helpline: 1-899-27728583
Missing Animals Registry: 1-899-64774642
Missing Family Members Report: 1-899-32645966
Youthline (Kittens, Puppies, Cubs, etc.): 1-899-96884546

Police called in as Zebras block stage to SCENTient Beings at music festival

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Zebras block stage

Zebras attempt to block stage entry to SCENTient Beings

The dream of a peaceful Beats of Burden music festival was shattered last night when a herd of Zebras blocked the SCENTient Beings’ entry to the stage.[pullquote]This festival is not about personal politics or identity politics. This festival is a peaceful and joyous attempt to support The Park’s refugees.—Beasts of Burden lead singer Alfredo Ox[/pullquote]

After several tense minutes, the festival’s official hosts, The Beasts of Burden, butted their way through the herd and made a heartfelt appeal to the Zebras.

“This festival is not about personal politics or identity politics,” Alfredo Ox said. “This festival is a peaceful and joyous attempt to support The Park’s refugees. These are Animals who have suffered terribly in their lives and we are here this weekend to lend our support to them, both emotionally and financially. I appeal to you as sentient beings, yourselves, to take your cause elsewhere. We will listen to you at another time, at another venue. But, for now, please step back and allow the next set of musicians to take the stage.”

Ox’s appeal fell on deaf ears, however, but as he was speaking, the Does of Peace moved in to begin active peacekeeping. While the Doves flew above the herd, the Does mixed among the Zebras, moving them to the sides and securing a path for the SCENTient Beings to ascend the stage.

The group of Zebras, led by Jafari Pundamilia and Elton Zebra, demanded an apology from SCENTient Beings composer Faramund Stinktier. In a communiqué last week, the Zebras accused Stinktier of committing a crime against them when he revealed that he’d always believed he was a Zebra.

“By perpetuating a stereotype and using that stereotype for the betterment of his own life, he has committed a crime against The Park’s Zebra community,” the communiqué said.

When the Beings finally made it to the stage, they briefly acknowledged the protesters by saying they had the “utmost respect for The Park’s Zebra community,” and dedicated the night’s set to “all Animals of all species everywhere.”

Park Police, who were called to the scene by Beasts of Burden manager Ignatius Herder, said no charges were laid last night.

“We attended at the scene, but no charges were laid. We’re not expecting to be called out again,” said spokesAnimal for the police.

The Beats of Burden music festival wraps up this evening. SCENTient Beings are scheduled to perform again this afternoon.

Peacekeepers to attend first Stereotype Sunday since Stinktier revelation

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Does of Peace

Unrest assured: Does and Doves of Peace to attend today’s Stereotype Sunday

Recent unrest in The Park’s Zebra community has prompted The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) to call on the Doves and Does of Peace to attend today’s Stereotype Sunday.

In a media communiqué released this morning, DWBS Director of Public Relations Cornelius Kakapo confirmed the deployment “in anticipation of any disturbance of the peace which the weekly event is intended to foster.”

The unrest began on Wednesday night, soon after the broadcast of the Yannis Tavros show during which SCENTient Beings singer and composer Faramund Stinktier revealed that he believed he was meant to be a Zebra.

A hastily-organized protest that started outside Toro Talk Radio, which broadcasts the Tavros show live, spilled out onto the streets in the early morning hours of Thursday and has continued to grow over the past few days. The protest now includes a makeshift headquarters for organizers Jafari Pundamilia and Elton Zebra outside the Ancient Open-Air Theatre, the site of the weekly Stereotype Sundays.

The protest centres around one issue, according to a statement released by the organizers on Friday morning—that Stinktier “knows nothing of the struggles of the Zebra community and that he has co-opted the experience of thousands of years of Zebra life for his own purposes and to fulfil his own desires.”

Signed by Pundamilia and Zebra on behalf of the worldwide Zebra community, the statement concludes, “We respectfully submit that Faramund Stinktier has committed a crime against The Park’s Zebra community by perpetuating a stereotype and using that stereotype for the betterment of his own life.”

Although Park Police are believed to be on standby this afternoon, Officer Gareth Shepherd told The Mammalian Daily that none of his officers has been formally assigned to the event.

DWBS issues warning to Animals regarding Humans vacationing in Park

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DWBS capture warning

Don’t get caught this Summer! Stay clear of Humans vacationing in The Park

The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has issued its first-ever Summer security alert.

In a communiqué released this morning, the DWBS informs Animals of the increased risk of capture by Humans vacationing in The Park this Summer.

“We have estimated the level of risk to be high to very high for the Summer of 2015,” DWBS Director of Public Relations Cornelius Kakapo says in the communiqué.

“Due to recent economic challenges in the Human world, many have chosen to spend their vacations close to home. This means that we can expect to see an increase in the number of Humans vacationing in The Park during the month of August. Although this is beneficial to The Park’s economy, it can also present problems. For this reason, we advise Park Animals to be alert at all times when dealing with Humans,” the communiqué warns.

Kakapo says the alert applies to all Park Animals, including those in the tourist industry, business owners, restaurateurs, groomers, artists, and musicians.

“Humans tend to get sentimental and to make emotional attachments during vacations and that makes them more likely to try to take Park Animals home with them,” Kakapo says.

There are, however, a number of precautionary measures that Animals can take in order to keep themselves safe and free from capture. These include dealing with Humans in a “professional” manner, refraining from befriending Human children, refusing all invitations to enter vehicles, especially large ones such as vans and SUVs, and refusing any and all “suspicious” invitations and gifts.

“Remember,” Kakapo says, “Humans may not mean to do harm but neither do they have your best interests at heart.”

Animals who do experience problems with Humans are encouraged to report any incidents immediately to one of the following DWBS hotlines:

Feral Cat Helpline: 1-899-33725228
Assaulted Animals Helpline: 1-899-27728583
Missing Animals Registry: 1-899-64774642
Missing Family Members Report: 1-899-32645966
Youth line (Kittens, Puppies, Cubs, etc.): 1-899-96884546
Exotic Animals Helpline: 1-899-3968427

“Harmonious” pair newest tool to promote rapport among Park’s young

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Harmonious pair

Harmonious Humphrey (left) and Harmonious Hannah will make their debut on Sunday

Meet Harmonious Humphrey and Harmonious Hannah.

The pair of stuffed toys, whose creation was commissioned by the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS), are set to make their professional debut this week, at July’s first Stereotype Sunday.[pullquote]It is far easier to plant a seed than it is to relocate a tree.—Cornelius Kakapo, DWBS Public Relations Director [/pullquote]

“We are very pleased to introduce them…our new mascots of interspecial harmony,” said DWBS Public Relations Director Cornelius Kakapo at a press gathering this afternoon. The gathering was held outside the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre, where the weekly event occurs.

The stuffed Animals, who stand five and a half feet tall, were available for photographs for only a short time today before they were whisked away to an undisclosed location. According to Kakapo, they won’t appear again until Sunday.

“We just wanted to give you a heads-up,” he told reporters, smiling wryly as he handed out information packets to the media.

This is the first initiative to promote interspecial harmony that has been aimed at youth, Kakapo said.

“Our youth are the future of The Park. We need to focus more on them, on training their minds and hearts, steering them in the direction of harmony, equality, and justice. Because it is far easier to plant a seed than it is to relocate a tree,” he said.

The stuffed pair will make the rounds at this week’s Stereotype Sunday, encouraging young Animals to ask questions about other species and to make new friends.

“We’ll be watching their [the harmonious pair’s] progress and tweaking their rôle along the way,” Kakapo said.

This week’s Stereotype Sunday will take place at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre from 1:00 pm until 6:00 pm.

Tab Tricolore shocker: “I was neutered.”

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Tab Tricolore

The renowned chef and restaurateur says he was forcibly neutered by Humans

Speaking out for the first time since his return to The Park in early January, Chef Tab Tricolore recounted the details surrounding his December disappearance in a radio interview  yesterday. He also spoke candidly about the obvious changes in his behaviour.

“I was forcibly taken from The Park and neutered,” he told host Yannis Tavros on his Toro Talk Radio show yesterday afternoon.

“I was trapped by Humans while sourcing food for Klo [Tricolore’s fine dining establishment]. Of course, I didn’t know it was a trap. I sniffed something incredible and thought I have to get some of that for tonight’s service. It was something I’d never tasted before. It had a different aroma from anything I’d ever smelled. I think it was smoked. As soon as I’d ingested a piece of it, I heard a door slam behind me and I realized what had happened,” he said.

Tavros, who sounded visibly shaken by the revelation, asked Tricolore if he had tried to escape.

“There was no escaping,” Tricolore replied. “But I did manage to draw blood from a number of them.”

He said he was put in the back of a van and realized he was only one of many who’d been caught that morning.

“We all had the same story. It was terrifying. At that moment, I realized it didn’t matter who you were or what you’d accomplished. Humans see us as all the same.”

Tricolore said that, along with the others, he was taken to a clinic where he was anaesthetized and then neutered.

“I woke up in this prison cell. It was horrible. Some of the hair was missing from my arm and my whole body ached. I was parched, but there was no water bowl. A few hours later, they brought me some food and water…something awful that came out of a can. I don’t know what it was. But I was so hungry, I ate it. I spent a couple of days there, never going out, never seeing the light of day. There were at least a dozen of us. We were in the middle of planning an escape when three Humans came in with the biggest cage I’ve ever seen. They herded us into it and then back into the van and dropped us off just outside The Park.”

The renowned  chef, restaurateur, and award-winning author said he “struggled every day with the reality of what happened to him” until he finally came to a “place of acceptance.”

“It’s done,” he said, matter-of-factly. “There’s nothing I can do to undo it. I could, as some have suggested, plot my revenge. But these Humans are dangerous and there’s no guarantee I could survive an attempt at revenge,” he said.

Instead, Tricolore said he’d rather use his new and hard-won knowledge to educate Park Animals. And that’s the reason he chose to speak out during Enforced Domestication Awareness Month.

“I’m a different Cat now. There’s no getting away from that. Some say I’m ‘mellow,’ but that’s just a euphemism. I’m just not the same. But I think I can do some good and that’s what I’m trying to do. If I can prevent this from happening to one other Cat, it will have been worth it,” he said.

Mating Dance to offer pre-registration, free counselling to endangered species

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Golden Mantella Frog

Meet me at the Mating Dance!

Organizers of the 2015 Mating Dance will be offering members of The Park’s endangered species a pre-registration package that includes free genetic and psychological counselling services, it was announced today.[pullquote]These Animals experience tremendous psychological barriers that they must overcome in order to procreate. I think this is the least we can do to help them in this endeavour. — Dr. Berthilidis Strix, Extinction Anxiety Clinic[/pullquote]

In a communiqué issued to all media this morning, the organizers of the event said that the unusual move comes as a response to the results of a number of population and attendance studies conducted at the University of West Terrier over the past five years:

“Based on the results of these studies and after a series of consultations with the Department of Well-Being and Safety, we have taken the decision to offer these special services to members of The Park’s endangered species.”

A spokesAnimal for the Dance said that all eligible Animals will have the opportunity to pre-register for the dance as of April 20.

“Let us be clear: this is not a pre-selection service that we are offering,” the spokesAnimal said.

“The pre-registration is meant to enable these Animals to make early contact with those who may be interested in meeting them at the Dance. We hope that this will raise the attendance level of our endangered species.”

Studies indicate that members of The Park’s endangered species have the lowest level of attendance at the Mating Dance.

According to Dr. Berthilidis Strix, head of The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic, many Animals in the endangered community have “psychological and other problems” that lead to difficulties in relating to other Animals.

“This may seem ironic, since they are the ones who most need to reproduce, but there is a good reason for these low attendance levels. These Animals experience tremendous psychological barriers that they must overcome in order to procreate. I think this [pre-registration package] is the least we can do to help them in this endeavour,” she says.

Pre-registration for the Mating Dance will begin at 10:00 a.m. on Monday, April 20 at the offices of the Department of Well-Being and Safety. All Animals must bring proof of their eligibility in the form of their membership in The Park’s Endangered Species Benefits Programme (ESBP).

Food insecurity to become Park Animals’ biggest challenge: DWBS

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Park Raccoon

Food outside The Park will soon become harder to find: DWBS

BREAKING NEWS
Food insecurity is the next big challenge Park Animals will face, according to a report released today by The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS).

At a press conference held at his office this morning, DWBS Director of Public Relations Cornelius Kakapo discussed the findings of the new report, “Sources of Sustenance.”

According to the report, which was commissioned two years ago by the Archons and the DWBS, sources of food for Park Animals will become scarcer in the next few years. The report cites a number of reasons for this finding, chief among them the “increasing ingenuity displayed by the Human species.”

“It is our sad duty to report that the Human species is more intelligent than previously believed. It has developed ingenious tools to hide and, therefore, hoard its food. There will come a time in the not too distant future when our success in sourcing food outside The Park will depend mainly on Human error,” the report concludes.

Humans are not the only reason for the prediction of food shortages, though. Other reasons cited in the report include weather changes, imprudent planning, budget shortages, and lack of innovation in food sourcing.

“We have relied too heavily on old methods of gathering food,” Kakapo said the report warned. “We are at a crossroads and we need to encourage innovation in this area.”

While the report may appear to paint a bleak picture of The Park’s future ability to fulfil its own food requirements, Kakapo cautioned against seeing it as entirely negative.

“New technology, such as TulipTracker, BulbBeacon and other applications demonstrate that the ingenuity of Park Animals is equal to the task. We have faith in our own intelligence and our ability to deal with these upcoming challenges,” he said.

DWBS to Polar Bears’ Poetry Picnickers: Watch out for Frozen Nose Syndrome

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Frozen Nose Syndrome (FNS) affects one on four Animals, says the DWBS

The Department of Well-Being and Safety has issued a warning to those attending this year’s Polar Bears’ Poetry Picnic: watch out for Frozen Nose Syndrome (FNS).[pullquote]Last year, it was soggy bottoms. This year, it’s frozen noses. There are always challenges.—Seymour K. Worthington Polar Bear, chief organizer, Polar Bears’ Poetry Picnic[/pullquote]

“This year’s extended Winter season, coupled with the extreme cold, has led to a marked increase in the number of FNS cases,” said a DWBS communiqué issued this morning.

The communiqué advised attendees to be on the lookout for these symptoms:

  1. Pain or loss of feeling in the nose area
  2. Inability to breathe through the nose
  3. Hyperventilation
  4. Frozen gums and toothache (due to extended mouth-breathing)
  5. Loss of consciousness

The communiqué advised Animals experiencing any of these symptoms to leave the picnic and to find a warm place to stay or, in extreme cases, to head to the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm.

But Picnic organizers don’t believe that hospitalization will prove necessary. They say they’re confident they have enough medical and emergency staff on hand to handle any FNS crisis.

“Every year presents its challenges,” said the event’s chief organizer Seymour K. Worthington Polar Bear at a press conference yesterday.

“Last year, it was soggy bottoms. This year, it’s frozen noses. But, rest assured, we are looking out for all picnickers, attendees and poets alike. We have trained medical and emergency staff on hand as well as warming stations and hot food and drink. No Animal suffering from FNS, or even from cold for that matter, will go untreated,” he said.

Polar Bear, who  is currently serving the final year of his three-year term, said he was confident that attendance levels would not be affected by this year’s extreme weather.

“We have talented poets in our lineup and such a wonderful, loyal audience. My guess is they’ll all come prepared for a cold but great picnic,” he said.

Noreen to collaborate with DWBS on guide to “Safety in the Soppy Seasons”

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lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

For even more insight into Humans, buy Noreen’s book! Just click on the image above.

“We’ve all come to understand just how soppy Humans can be, sometimes,” says Noreen, Mammalian Daily advice columnist and adjunct professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier.

“But what many of us don’t understand is how to cope with that and how to keep ourselves safe in the face of such an onslaught of emotion.”

There is help on the way though, she said, at a press conference held early this morning.

Standing beside Cornelius Kakapo, director of public relations for The Park’s Department of Well-Being and Safety, Noreen announced her collaboration with the department on what she called “the definitive guide to staying safe in the soppy seasons.”

“Animals need to acquire the skill sets to cope with the ‘two-legged Lions,'” she said. “Especially when they try to give us Bear hugs.”

Kakapo concurred.

“Several times a year, we [the DWBS] issue a safety alert, telling Animals to beware of Humans looking for temporary—or even permanent—Animal companionship. And The Park has devoted the entire month of June to spreading awareness of enforced domestication,” he said.

“But, clearly, that hasn’t been enough. The number of Animal kidnappings has increased dramatically over the past few years. We’re now even seeing cases of Animals being returned to The Park after these events. They are often in very bad shape, both physically and mentally. Some of them are altered for life. We have to put a stop to this. And we feel the first step is to arm Park Animals with the information they need to keep themselves and their loved ones safe.”

The printed guide will be published this Autumn, Kakapo said, and will be available free of charge through the DWBS offices, the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, and the Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic. A pdf copy will also be posted on this web site.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

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