The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

“We must all come together now,” says newly-elected POPS Ditmar Bosmarmot

By

Ditmar Bosmarmot

Ditmar Bosmarmot, 2017 POPS

The POPS election is over for this year and we must all come together now, Ditmar Bosmarmot told a massive crowd last night just minutes after he was declared the 2017 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS).

“This has been a very difficult and contentious election. A lot of things have been said that can’t be taken back, so we must remember them and use them to make The Park a better and a more unified place,” he said.

As he and the six previous holders of the position encircled one of the farewell Trees of Hearts, Bosmarmot remarked that when he emerged again in February, zoocracy in The Park would be celebrating its thirty-fifth birthday.

“This will be a historic year for all of us,” he told the cheering crowd. “We should all be proud of ourselves for sustaining Animal self-rule against all odds. I look forward to continuing this journey with you after Groundhog Day.”

Election Office scrambles to meet today’s deadline to declare a winner

By

ballot-boxThe Park Election Office (PEO) is scrambling to count all the votes cast in the November 7 election for Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) by midnight tonight in order to announce a winner before the hibernating community takes its leave for the Winter.

In an early morning interview on TMD Radio,  PEO head Gerritt Wezel said he and his team would “do anything” to avoid the situation that occurred three years ago, when the vote counting took so long that hibernation had to be postponed for weeks.

“That took its toll on the whole Park, emotionally, as well as physically,” he said.

Wezel also confirmed that he’d asked the members of the Maple Tree Project, who organize the Tree of Hearts sendoff for hibernators, to postpone the hanging of the hearts until late in the afternoon. According to Wezel, former Chief Archon Dewi Rhinoceros, who initiated the project, agreed to hold off until about five o’clock.

The election results will be broadcast across all Park media as soon as they are known.

“We don’t count votes by species,” Park Election Office head tells media

By

vote-by-speciesMembers of the media drew ire this morning from Park Election Office head Gerritt Wezel when they pressed him on the subject of Groundhog participation in Monday’s election for Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS).

The media inquiries were made at a short press conference which Wezel had called to issue an update on the counting of votes and the estimated time of announcing the election winner.

But when the conference was opened up to questions, it became obvious that most media representatives were more interested in whether The Park’s Groundhog population had exercised its franchise in this unusual election.

After a few failed attempts to move past the question, a visibly annoyed Wezel issued a terse response: “We don’t count votes by species.”

The answer, though, seemed not to satisfy the media, who then pressed Wezel on the reason for the three polls the PEO conducted before the election, two of which indicated that The Park’s Groundhog population had become disenchanted with the present system.

Wezel did not directly answer that question, but he did confirm that the Archons and the PEO were looking at that polling information “very carefully.”

“All I can tell you right now is that there are going to be changes made to the POPS elections,” he said. “We are rapidly outgrowing this system and we need to take action as soon as possible.”

Doves called back to assist Does of Peace in monitoring polling stations

By

vote-hereThe Doves of Peace were called back from migration last week to assist their sister-agency, the Does of Peace, in monitoring polling stations during today’s election.

According to Cornelius Kakapo, director of public relations for the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS), the unprecedented decision was made “to ensure the integrity of the election.”

The Doves and Does, who are fully autonomous sub-groups of Park Police, attend Park celebrations and days of significance, but this is the first time in Park history that they have been called to monitor an election.

Speaking last night from a pit stop a few kilometres from The Park, Doves of Peace spokesBird Georgina Golub said the decision to call her group back to The Park was appropriate, “if not prescient.”

“Yesterday’s violence at the All Candidates’ mega rally was a good sign that we should come home and keep the peace during this historic election,” she said.

The violence that Golub referred to at yesterday’s rally started with one attendee deliberately tripping Ekeoma L. Girraaf, who had just finished speaking in support of candidate Yannis Tavros. Tavros’s supporters, including his campaign manager Raimundo Zorro, ganged up on the attendee and held him until Park Police forced them to release him. At that point, supporters of the beaten attendee cornered Zorro and tried to block police access to him. Zorro, who was convicted last year of hate-mongering and engaging in specist activities, was eventually removed from the rally, but not before at least fifty Animals were arrested and many more were taken to hospital.

Golub said that after re-grouping, the Doves would be ready for work at noon today.

“We’re looking forward to monitoring a peaceful and enjoyable election process,” she said.

As POPS mega rally begins, Tavros gets support from 2016 Keeper of the Nut

By

tavros-poster-sans-wallWHOA! BRAKING NEWS

In what many are calling a “November unnerving,” 2016 Keeper of the Nut Ekeoma L. Girraaf announced late last night that he will attend today’s POPS All Candidates’ mega rally in support of Yannis Tavros.

Girraaf, who last year became the first large Animal elected by The Park’s Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC) to serve as Keeper of the Nut, says it’s “high time this position became more inclusive.”

In a radio interview this morning on Toro Talk Radio, Tavros’s home station, Girraaf said that Tavros’s candidacy is not only groundbreaking, but “the logistical extension of what Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon put in place in 2003, when he opened up the position to elections with candidates from all species.”

But SAHC president Malinda L. Hamster, who last year expressed great joy at her community’s decision to elect Girraaf, says she herself has reservations about electing Tavros to the position.

“It isn’t his species that bothers me; it’s his temperament. He fluctuates wildly in both opinion and mood and I know that it takes a more steady temperament to be POPS,” she says.

“It isn’t just about the prediction, which arguably any Animal of any size or species could do. It’s about dealing with the pressures, before, during, and after. Predictions are disputed, those elected POPS in the past have been vilified and threatened. I don’t believe Yannis Tavros has the temperament to withstand such criticism. And I know he doesn’t have the discipline to stay quiet while his prediction is disputed.”

Despite her reservations, Hamster says that should Tavros win the election, she will abide by the decision of The Park’s Animals.

“It is an election, after all. And we must have faith in our fellow citizens,” she says.

Significant number of Groundhogs say they won’t vote on November 7

By

ballot-boxA significant number of The Park’s Groundhogs say they won’t be voting for Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) on November 7.

In a new poll conducted by the Park Election Office on Thursday, twenty-seven percent of Animals who identify themselves as Groundhogs, Whistlepigs, or Marmots said they would not be casting a ballot this year for POPS. The vast majority of those, however, said they would be voting for Keeper of the Nut four days later.

This is the second poll on the subject the PEO has conducted in the last week. The top reasons given this time for sitting out the POPS election were disenchantment with the candidates and the feeling that the election had lost its real meaning and had been “co-opted” by celebrities such as Millicent Hayberry and Yannis Tavros.

In a related poll, sixty-eight percent of respondents said they believed the POPS should be a hibernator.

What do Mammalian Daily readers think? Answer our poll below and we’ll tell you the results when the election is over.

POPS populi? SOPS’s Rana makes her case against elections in The Park

By

no-voteOne of The Park’s largest political action groups has launched a campaign against holding elections in The Park.

In an op-ed piece published today in The Mantella Morning Post, Sylvana Rana, president of Save Our Political System (SOPS), writes that the recent POPS election campaign has demonstrated “how devastating general elections in The Park would be.”

Among Rana’s arguments against elections, she lists the candidates’ pandering to the electorate, something she says could lead to the winner being the most popular rather than the most qualified.

“The persistent pandering we see from so many of the POPS candidates would be even more devastating to The Park were this to occur during an election for our Archons. Before long, the Archonship would be a position won by personality, style, species, or other attributes that have nothing to do with ability or qualification. And how far down the road would we have to go before the candidates were caught making offers to the voters? Bribery is only a few steps away when this type of election is held,” she writes.

In the op-ed piece, Rana also contends that elections, rather than the present system of sortition, would change the dynamic of the governing body.

“I believe that elected Archons would make only a minimal commitment to the position,” she writes.

“Based on what I’ve seen of the POPS elections and of those held in the Human world, I believe the winners would be much less inclined to do the difficult work of governing. Our present system of selection requires a commitment—driven by a sense of duty— that has become one of the biggest reasons for the success of zoocracy.”

November 2: Your Election Update in Five

By

pops-election-reporter

Welcome to Your Election Update in Five Points

As of today, this is what is happening in the race for POPS:

  • Debate Day Free-For-All: Park Election Office head Gerritt Wezel, who was forced to cancel this year’s All Candidates’ Debate due to the overhwhelming number of candidates, announced today that Carlota Tuatara, head of the Ancient Open-Air Theatre, has agreed to let “as many candidates as are willing” use the venue to campaign and answer voters’ questions on November 6
  • The office of Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon announced today that all court business, including hearings, trials, judgements and sentencing, will be suspended until November 6, as the Justice will spend all his time until then certifying registration forms of the POPS candidates
  • The Park Election Office wishes to remind all those who intend to run for POPS that they have until November 5 to submit their registration forms
  • Gunnar Rotte has launched a new campaign against Yannis Tavros, called “Clear the Dust,” after accusing the Bull of  attempting to confuse voters by “kicking up dust” about the other candidates, particularly Millicent Hayberry.
  • In the meantime, The Equine Echo has endorsed Tavros. In an editorial published on its front page, the newspaper praises Tavros for his “tenacity” and says it has confidence that he will “get the job [of POPS] done and done properly”

Beyond A Shadow Of A Doubt: Park Museum hosts first pop-up exhibit to honour POPS election process

By

beyond-a-shadow-of-a-doubt-for-park-museumIn celebration of this year’s POPS election season, The Park Museum will host a pop-up exhibit entitled, “Beyond A Shadow Of A Doubt.”

In an announcement yesterday afternoon, the museum’s Board of Governors said the multimedia exhibit is meant to honour the POPS election process as well as this year’s unconventional campaign.

The exhibit will showcase material related to the 2003 decision by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon to open the position of POPS to elections. It will also feature memorabilia from past campaigns, including posters, flyers, buttons, newspaper interviews, television and radio interviews, and recorded speeches.

This is the first pop-up exhibition hosted by the museum since its opening in March of 2015.

“Beyond A Shadow Of A Doubt” will run from 31 October until 17 November 2016.

October 29: Your Election Update in Five

By

pops-election-reporter

Welcome to Your Election Update in Five Points

As of today, this is what is happening in the race for POPS:

  • The Park Election Office reports that a new survey of eligible voters finds that a significant number of Groundhogs say they will not vote this November. Top five reasons cited: 1. too many candidates vying for position; 2. too many non-hibernators in the race; 3. don’t trust the candidates; 4. past prediction errors; 5. loss of faith in the POPS election process
  • ‘Tis the season: This election season may be hard on voters, but it’s doing wonders for The Park’s comedians. Business at The Howler, The Park’s only comedy club, is up thirty-five percent, say its owners. In fact, the whole thing seems so funny to Dalmanik that he’s dumped his Human jokes in favour of telling election jokes. A Groundhog walks into an election…well, you’ll have to go to The Howler to hear the rest
  • Former prognostication pad designers will be holding an information session on Monday at two o’clock. Those interested in fighting this year’s decision by the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations to hire Fleck + Stone to design the pad are invited to meet with them and to sign their petition
  • Gunnar Rotte continues his “Stop the Bull” campaign against Yannis Tavros: Rotte will be hosting an “information booth” just outside the Ancient Open-Air Theatre during tomorrow’s Stereotype Sunday (he is forbidden to attend the event)
  • More rumours: for the first time in history, some of The Park’s newspapers will endorse candidates. They claim it will aid voters in their decision.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

May 2025
M T W T F S S
 1234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
262728293031