The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Food production scandal rocks Park

By

Police investigation found some food grown in The Park is not destined for Animals’ use

Portions of The Park’s farmland are being used to produce food for consumption by Humans who live outside The Park, Police have concluded.

At a press conference held early this morning, B.N.L.Valerian Beetle, Head of The Park Police Force’s Undercover Operations Unit (UOU), confirmed the findings of the Unit’s year-long investigation.

“This has been a long and intensive investigation, conducted over the past twelve months and it includes data from each of the last four seasons,” Beetle said.

The investigation, which involved data-gathering both inside and outside The Park, was initiated after a series of meetings between Park Police and members of The Park’s Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF).

“We knew that something was terribly wrong,” said SCPCPGF President, A.P. Civet, when she spoke briefly at the end of the press conference.

“We’d been keeping our eyes on these pieces of land for some time…we had permission to seed them and, then, we noticed plants growing in the places we’d planned to seed.”

The SCPCPGF was formed in 2008, after that year’s Archons announced that they were looking at ways to maximize The Park’s food-producing lands. At the time, the Society said it intended to act as a “policy watchdog” to ensure the fair administration of any legislation regarding farming.

At the press conference, Beetle confirmed that the investigation is ongoing, but said there are no known suspects “at this time.”

“We are working on several leads and encourage any Animals who may have seen suspicious activity in the areas of these lands to come forward with information,” he said.

Advice columnist to join UWT Human Studies department

By

Official NoreenPopular Mammalian Daily advice columnist, Noreen, will assume a new set of duties this Autumn, when she becomes Adjunct Professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier’s newly-formed department of the same name.

Noreen, who is known for her signature quotation, “Humans — they’re lovely to look at, but I wouldn’t want to live with one,” is considered to be The Park’s foremost expert on Human behaviour.

“She is definitely the go-to Animal when it comes to understanding Humans,” said the President of the University in a statement released today.

“For that reason, among others, we believed she would be a great asset to the department and to our student body. We are extremely happy that she accepted our invitation and we are honoured to have her on staff.”

The new department, which is scheduled to begin offering classes in the Autumn of 2012, has appointed three other faculty members, one of whom will serve as departmental head.

In a telephone interview, Noreen confirmed that she intends to continue writing her Mammalian Daily advice column and “looks forward to combining these two careers.”

Retired Archon wades into sea of controversy with speech

By

Retired Archon, Wyndham Seahorse, waded into a sea of controversy on Friday afternoon when he addressed the 2012 graduating class at the University of West Terrier.

Often described as a “soft-spoken” Animal, Seahorse, who held the position of Archon in 2008, has not been heard from very much since he left office in January, 2009. In April of this year, however, he was selected by the Governors of the University to deliver the 101st commencement address on June 1.

Seahorse’s speech, delivered from the podium at the Hippo Campus of the University, began traditionally enough, with the former Archon emphasizing the importance of education in Animals’ lives and praising the perseverance of the graduates and their families. Then, suddenly, the speech took a political turn and Seahorse began to speak negatively in reference to “The Promise of The Park.”

“The Promise of The Park is a sham. I’m afraid you’ve been had,” he declared, as many in the audience gasped. A few — likely proponents of a different political system — could be seen wagging their tails in agreement.

As he continued in the same vein, the audience became agitated until, at last, Seahorse returned to the more neutral topic of the value of education.

With the speech brought to conclusion, Seahorse exited to mild applause. After the ceremony, graduates and their families admitted to a certain degree of puzzlement.

“I think he had some good points [to make]; I’m just not sure this was the appropriate occasion for bringing them up,” said one graduate of the Cuthbert School of Journalism.

Indeed, although many appeared to believe that another venue would have been more suitable for the former Archon to express his opinions, an informal survey showed that many of the graduates “mildly agreed” with many of Seahorse’s statements.

Still, many more took issue with the expressed criticisms and there have been calls for public censure of the former Archon. As of this morning, however, the President and the Governors of the University of West Terrier have refused to comment on the incident.

Ask a Poodle: The choice of collar colour is important

By

DEAR POODLE: I have a thick black coat that is very shiny and I would like to wear a collar that emphasizes it. I have tried many different colours of collars and they tend to get “lost” in my coat.

What would you recommend? – EBONY

 DEAR EBONY: The choice of a collar is a very important one: it emphasizes not only your coat, but the contours of your face and the colour of your eyes. The wrong collar can actually accentuate the negative and even make you look as if your neck has disappeared!

In your case, the choice of colour is even more important. Since you have a monochromatic coat, you must take care to wear something that emphasizes it but that does not stand completely apart from it.

You haven’t told me the colour of your eyes, but I am assuming that, like most Dogs with black coats, your eyes are brown. If they are blue, even more care will have to be taken in the selection of a colour for your collar.

My suggestion is to stay away from bright colours. Many Dogs believe that since bright colours provide a contrast to their coats, they are the most suitable. This is most emphatically wrong.

Some Dogs can get away with wearing a white collar (believe it or not) but, since we are heading toward the Winter season, this is not recommended. Try to avoid browny tones unless you find that they pick up on your eyes. Greens can be a mistake, as can blues. But you’d be surprised how well silver or a nice, soft black can emphasize your coat and outline your neck.

Ask a Poodle is a regular feature of The Mammlian Daily and The Mammalian Daily online. If you have a question for the Poodle, please e-mail it to her at askapoodle@mammaliandaily.com. We regret that the Poodle cannot send responses directly to you.

Radio host in hospital after locking horns with photographer

By

Controversial Toro Talk Radio host, Yannis Tavros, was admitted to hospital this afternoon after suffering injuries resulting from a scuffle with a photographer.

Witnesses say Tavros was leaving the station after his daily broadcast, when a photographer from The Ruminant Free Press snapped a picture of him.

The enraged Tavros started to grunt, the witnesses report, and “mutter expletives, mostly about the flash in his eyes. Then he warned [the photographer] not to do it again.”

The photographer, reportedly, refused to heed Tavros’s warning and, after snapping a few more pictures, a scuffle with the radio star ensued.

“They locked horns and it took a herd of passersby to get them free,” said one witness, who asked to remain anonymous.

Tavros, bleeding at the scene, was taken by Elephant Emergency Brigade (EEB) to the Park Hospital, where he remains in satisfactory condition.

The photographer, who has been identified as Hannus Hanka, suffered less serious injuries and was escorted back to his workplace.

Barkettes documentary to open Park film festival

By

The much-anticipated documentary about Thisbe and the Barkettes will open the Park Interspecial Film Festival this Autumn.

A spokesAnimal for the Barkettes confirmed early this morning that “I Love a Man in a Collar” will open the festival at the main venue and, also, go on to screen at the Hot Dogs section.

PIFF Communications President, Leola Ocelot, released a statement this morning, as well. Confirming the documentary debut, she called it “a coup for PIFF” and explained the surprising pre-season announcement.

“We couldn’t contain ourselves, we were so excited. We wanted everyone to know as soon as possible,” the statement read.

The documentary, which is now in its post-production stages, was directed by Rauf Wiedersehen Shepherd. In it, Shepherd traces the history and origin of Canine music as a parallel to the ascendancy of The Barkettes. The film takes its title from one of the group’s biggest hits.

R.F. Aarrf, President of the Canine Music Association, said in an interview this morning that he is “thrilled that the documentary is finally finished” and confident that it will be “celebrated appropriately.”

The 8th annual Park Interspecial Film Festival will take place October 1-5, 2012.

Jubilee cleanup most expensive in Park history

By

The cleanup bill for last week’s Anixi Agrarian Jubilee has arrived and it is substantial.

The cost of straightening up The Park after this year’s event, which was the largest in its history, will “just about empty The Park’s coffers,” says Finance Officer, Milton Struts.

“Even the [celebration of the] establishment of zoocracy and calendar harmonization didn’t cost this much,” he says.

Organizers of the event say that its size and the numbers it attracts account for the hefty bill.

“The Park is growing in population and this year’s weather was extraordinary. Those two factors, alone, could account for the numbers we saw at the event,” says Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations.

Adding to the financial woes is the fact that some Finance Officers say the massive bill should come out of the groundskeeping account rather than the money that is allocated yearly for special events and celebrations.

“We are divided on this,” said Milton Struts in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning.

“The Special Event account is over-budget already, and we’re not even halfway through the year. Groundskeeping, on the other hand, has a small surplus, due to this year’s extremely mild Winter. It makes sense, I think, to pull the funds from there. I’m thinking ahead to next year and we don’t want to have to say that we’re cutting back on special events. That won’t go down well with Park Animals,” he warned.

Dear Noreen: Humans can make lovely dinner guests

By

Official NoreenDEAR NOREEN: I have recently befriended a family of Humans and have found them to be quite good company.

We go for walks together and play ball together and I am just getting to the point of asking them over for dinner.

My question is: I have heard a number of stories about the eating habits of Humans and I wonder, if these things are true, is it such a good idea to expose my young to them?

What is your advice? — UNDECIDED

DEAR UNDECIDED: Anyone who reads this newspaper regularly knows my opinion of Humans: they’re lovely to look at…but I wouldn’t want to live with them.

All joking aside, since I don’t actually know what you have heard about Human eating habits, I can’t tell you whether or not they will traumatize your young.

What I can tell you is that Humans are different and if you are going to socialize with them in your home, you will have to be equipped for it. Whether or not this is worth your while is your own decision to make.

Beware, though, that Humans prefer most of their food cooked and they can be very finicky eaters. Many of them have large appetites, as well, and they eat several times a day.

All things considered, though, I have found that making the effort to socialize with other species usually pays off in the end, and I think the experience would probably do your young more good than harm.

Dear Noreen is a regular feature of The Mammalian Daily and The Mammalian Daily online. If you have a question for Noreen, please send it via Twitter at @talkswithnoreen.

UWT to dispense with admission requirements

By

Bowing to pressure from a number of citizen action groups, The University of West Terrier announced today that it will dispense with admission requirements as of the academic year 2012-2013.

In a statement released late this afternoon, the President and the Governors of the University outlined the institution’s “Plan of Action” for the future and explained the changes that will occur.

While, strictly speaking, admission requirements will be eliminated, the statement said, the University’s grading system and the requirements for post-graduate admission will remain intact.

“Essentially, the University will be moving from a system of undergraduate admission requirements to that of a system of academic maintenance requirements,” the statement read.

According to a spokesAnimal for the University, academic maintenance requirements systems have worked well in other educational institutions.

“The idea is to allow all students to enter the academic programmes of their choice. They will, then, be closely monitored and those who do not meet the standards required to maintain their place in the programme will be asked to leave,” the spokesAnimal explained.

The statement released by the University said that the new directive is “consistent with the University’s policy of equal opportunity and inclusion” and that the move is in keeping with the institution’s policy of recognizing and valuing the differences among the species.

“This move will align our student admission policy with our staff hiring policy, which is regarded as one of the most forward-thinking policies in academia. We look forward to welcoming able students of all species and languages and to benefitting from their experience and way of life,” the statement read.

Park Literary Awards to bear sponsor’s name

By

The Park Annual Literary Awards (PALA) will undergo a name change at the end of May. They will bear the name of their sponsor, Chitter Radio, and be known officially as the Chitter Radio Literary Awards.

The announcement was made at a press conference late yesterday afternoon. Present at the conference were Albana Ketri, President and C.E.O. of Chitter Radio, members of the organizing committee, and the Director of Public Relations for The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, Aintza Kanariar.

“We think it is fitting that the Awards should bear the name of their proud sponsor,” Ketri said, as she unveiled the new logo for the event.

Until this year, the Awards had been supported by The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations. It was announced in January that Radio 244883.7 (known as Chitter Radio) would assume full financial sponsorship of the Awards, after budgetary constraints forced the Department to pull its funding.

The Awards will take place 15 June.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

May 2026
M T W T F S S
 123
45678910
11121314151617
18192021222324
25262728293031