The Mammalian Daily

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OTD in 2016—Park Animals sighted at celebrity can opening

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Hill of cats and dogsA number of Park citizens were caught on camera yesterday afternoon, eating, partying, and rubbing up against celebrities at a can opening outside The Park.

According to the gossip web site headsNtales, which published a series of pictures taken at the outdoor event, a “large group of Park Animals” attended the can opening hosted by Humans.

“The exceptionally well-attended event included a vast sampling of different canned foods, sparkling and still water served in bowls and on-site entertainment, as well as free grooming,” the gossip site said.

headsNtales co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo said her reporters could not verify that the Park Animals had been invited to the event.

“We aren’t able to say whether the Park Animals were responding to an invite or just came upon the event in their travels. It [the event] was well-publicized outside The Park, but no Park media we know of published any information about it,” she said.

OTD in 2015—Cynics to re-release Take the A Frame

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A Frame (1)The Cynics (Philosopher Dogs) will release a new version of their wildly successful collection Take the A Frame next month, according to an announcement issued yesterday.

A late afternoon press release signed by the group’s founder and lead singer, Luther “Droop” Dachshund, said the group will release a digital version of the collection at the end of May. The announcement said the collection will include a brand new version of the title song as well as the digitally re-mastered original.

The release date is meant to coincide with The Park’s observation of Enforced Domestication Awareness month in June, Dachshund said in the announcement.

“Our group has been supportive of that initiative from its inception and we want to reinforce our relationship with it again this year,” he wrote.

Last year, The Cynics donated the proceeds of their song Diamond in the Ruff to the cause.

“We’ve been fighting enforced domestication for years, but there hasn’t been much movement on the issue until recently…We want to do as much as we can to further awareness of domestication’s harsh reality,” he said at the time.

Since then, The Cynics have performed very little, save for a few concerts at The Pound, the gastropub of which they are part-owners. And, although the press release did not mention any upcoming concert dates, a spokesAnimal for Rotunda Records, the group’s label since its founding, said he thought there might be something in the works.

“They’ve been working very hard in the studio and not just on the re-release,” the spokesAnimal said. “We all think it’s about time they went on tour again.”

OTD in 2017—Mating Dance pre-registration for endangered species begins today

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Giraffes at Mating DanceIf you’re a Park citizen or resident and a member of an endangered species, today is the day to start thinking about registering for the Mating Dance.

The Department of Well-Being and Safety’s reminder, issued this past weekend in a Park-wide media blitz, cautioned participants not to procrastinate. It also warned those intending to use the pre-registration option to expect longer wait times this year, as the popularity of the programme has grown over the past two years.

“When it [the programme] was instituted, we sensed a certain reluctance to participate on the part of those in the endangered community. There was a certain stigma attached to being part of an endangered spacies, but I think this programme, along with the [Endangered Species] Benefits Programme, and the wonderful work being done at the Extinction Anxiety Clinic, has changed that significantly,” DWBS Director of Public Relations Cornelius Kakapo told The Mammalian Daily.

Pre-registration for the May 5 event begins today at ten o’clock at the DWBS offices. To take advantage of the full programme, which includes genetic and psychological counselling, all Animals must bring proof of their eligibility in the form of their membership in The Park’s Endangered Species Benefits Programme (ESBP).

OTD in 2017—”Grand collaboration” will turn beloved Tommy Tickbird story into stage musical

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tommy-tickbird-musicalTwo of The Park’s most popular musical groups—Banded Brothers and Spontaneous Generation—will collaborate with Zeal and the Endeka Elephant Band to turn the beloved story of Tommy Tickbird into a stage musical.

But the collaboration won’t end there. According to Banded Brothers’ manager Kostas Kotsifas, the musicians, as well as those working in set and costume design, will take some direction and a lot of advice from members of The Park’s refugee community.

“This is a beloved Park story and we want to get it right. Our refugee community is a rich resource when it comes to the sights and sounds of Africa, as are, of course, Zeal and the [Endeka] Elephant Band,” Kotsifas said in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio yesterday.

The story of Tommy Tickbird, who roams the African continent atop one Giraffe, two Zebras, and three Warthogs, was first told in the bestselling book, Tommy Tickbird and his Symbiotic Sojourns, by Otis J. Oxpecker. First published in 2011, the now legendary tale owes much of its popularity to the vivid descriptions of the sounds and smells of Africa.

“Those descriptions were the first point of entry into Africa for many Park citizens, especially our autochthonous population,” Kotsifas said. “We want to be true to the tale, but also to the location and we felt this required what we are now calling our ‘grand collaboration.’ ”

Although Kotsifas would not speculate on an opening date, he said there is a definite timeline for the production and the collaborators would be releasing more information soon.

“We intend to keep you informed and excited about this project, through opening night and beyond,” he said.

OTD in 2014—Organizers hatch new plan for Fowl Ball

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Fowl ballOrganizers have finally set the date for The Park’s newest charity event, The Fowl Ball.

At a press event held this afternoon, organizer Rafael Ortega confirmed that the Department of Holidays Festivals, and Celebrations, in conjunction with the Archons of The Park, have agreed to set aside Saturday May 31 for what Ortega calls “the event of the year.”

Some small details have yet to be finalized, Ortega said, but the important ones “have been carved in stone since November.”

While the Ball’s raison d’être is to raise funds for Avian aid (and to raise awareness of the plight of many in The Park’s Avian community), Ortega stressed that guests’ enjoyment and stimulation of The Park’s economy were also objectives.

“We are committed to the notion that every Animal in The Park will benefit from this benefit,” he joked.

As for the delay in selecting a date, Ortega acknowledged that this was a difficult year to debut the Ball.

“Due to our severe Winter, so many in our community have delayed their re-entry and we wanted every Bird to be…not only present, but rested enough to enjoy the event,” he said.

As well, since the Ball’s date falls a little less than two weeks after the Anixi Agrarian Jubilee, Animals will be in a party mood.

“The Agrarian Jubilee not only marks the beginning of The Park’s growing season, but its Summer social season, as well. Having the Ball a couple of weeks after the Jubilee positions us perfectly in terms of attendance and readiness to party,” Ortega said.

OTD in 2014—Critics decry Hayberry’s appointment as Toe-Hair Contest’s head judge

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MillicentHayberry Complaints of an encroaching “culture of celebrity” accompanied this morning’s announcement that Millicent Hayberry will serve as head judge of the 2014 Toe-Hair Contest.

Many who attended the press event at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre began to boo when they heard Hayberry’s name. They were soon joined by a group carrying hastily-made signs that bore unflattering messages scrawled in mud. Some of the signs said, simply, “No!” while others took aim at Hayberry, herself. One protester was heard shouting as he waved a sign that said “It’s a gig!” referring to Hayberry’s profession of acting.

“I was disappointed and, frankly, quite shocked,” said Aintza Kanariar as she left the event. Kanariar, who made the announcement, is Director of Public Relations for the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, the body that chooses the contest judges.

“Millicent Hayberry is much beloved in The Park and we thought that adding her to the judging roster would be hailed as a good decision. We never anticipated any objection.”

Hayberry, who is best known for her critically acclaimed performance in Imogen Aardeekhoorn’s one-Chipmunk drama, Mixed Nuts, is one of the most recognizable of The Park’s stage and screen artists. She is also known as a loyal Park citizen and she has participated in every major event here since she was young.

Despite the violent nature of the objections, little of the criticism of the department’s choice was actually aimed at Hayberry; rather it was related to what many perceive as her inexperience in the matter. One protester summed it up:

“The Toe-Hair Contest is a very important competition. It has a history and a focus and it should be treated with respect. I don’t mean to demean the acting profession or her species, but in all honesty, what does she, as a Chipmunk, know about toe hairs?”

The Toe-Hair Contest, which is in its 19th year, is set to commence at 10:00 a.m. Park time on May 1.

OTD in 2015—Prionailurus Press to promote the literature of the striped and spotted

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Prionailurus Press Editor-in-Chief Momoko Yamaneko

Momoko Yamaneko stifled a nervous laugh as she responded to a reporter’s question at a press conference held at her office this morning.

The question was a simple one: “Why now?”

“You’d have thought by our name that this would have been our mandate all along…our raison d’être, so to speak,” said the Editor-in-Chief of Prionailurus Press, which today became the first publishing house in The Park to respond to the plight of striped and spotted Animals.

But Yamaneko stopped short of apologizing for the company’s seeming neglect of its own community.

“A constellation of factors influence publishing decisions,” she explained, “and often we are forced, by the markets and by our readers, to put our survival ahead of even our most heartfelt desires. But we called you here today to announce that the time has come for us to live up to our responsibility in this regard. We will be putting striped and spotted writers at the forefront. That part of our agenda is set for the next three years, at least.”

The  publishing house, she said, has committed a sizeable amount of currency and all its other resources to finding and publishing emerging writers from the striped and spotted community.

“We want to welcome them to the Prionailurus family,” she said. “We want hear and read their stories of the challenges they’ve faced in the past and those they face now. We want to strengthen our own community at the same time as we work to foster understanding among all species.”

The publishing house’s new mandate begins “now,” the Editor-in-Chief said emphatically, as the press conference drew to a close.

“We have a host of new and exciting initiatives in development. You will be hearing from us very soon in this regard,” she said.

OTD in 2016—TMD’s Haas on no-name policy: “We have to honour our reporters’ contracts”

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The Mammalian Daily’s longstanding policy of not naming its reporters has continued because of the terms of its journalists’ contracts, it has been revealed.

Facing a herd of reporters at a press conference yesterday morning, Orphea Haas admitted that the newspaper has “suffered greatly” from the policy and is now experiencing a decline in readership.

“Not all of our troubles are due to this policy, but some of them are. We admit that the criticism we’ve faced is valid. The policy is outdated and not in keeping with our ethos of transparency, but we haven’t been in a position to change it, at least as far as our current employees are concerned,” she said.

Haas confirmed that new employees will sign “revamped” contracts that will include the publication of their name and, if they agree, their species.

“We do not believe that printing a reporter’s species is essential to transparency. Thus, we will give every journalist the opportunity to decline.”

On the issue of declaring species, Haas emphasized that The Mammalian Daily was in a unique position, since so many different species were qualified to work there.

“This isn’t as big an issue for The Reptile Register or, indeed, for The Equine Echo. But the possibilities [of species identification] are so much broader for us,” she said.

As for May’s Month Without Metaphor, Haas confirmed her newspaper’s support of the project and urged all Park media to participate in the event.

“It is a wonderful opportunity for us to take a critical look at what we say and how we say it. We have supported the event from the get-go and we intend to do so in the future,” she said.

OTD in 2016—Court reaffirms right to remain stupid

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Mr Justice Augustus DindonIn a landmark decision handed down this morning, Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court kept alive the vision of The Park’s founder and reaffirmed the right of every Animal to remain stupid.

The decision, which will be posted in full outside the Court House tomorrow, came after a deliberation of more than five months. The decision was in response to an action brought by a collective that included the Park Education Working Collective (PEWC), the heads of admission of all The Park’s educational institutions, professionals from the Extinction Anxiety Clinic, and one hundred Animals known as the “concerned conglomerate.”

In their action, the collective argued that increasing apathy among the citizenry and the lack of formal education undermine the survival and prosperity of The Park. They asked the court to supersede the Archons and enact a law requiring all Park citizens to attend school.

The collective’s argument before the court in October was kept a secret from all except those directly involved in the proceedings. That decision was made to prevent the collective from initiating an awareness campaign they believed might sway the court’s decision.

During the deliberation period, Justice Dindon accepted submissions from The Department of Well-Being and Safety, the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, and from medical and psychological experts on both sides of the argument. In addition, he called on Park historians to, as he said, “help me understand the founding vision of The Park.”

In the opening paragraph of the decision, Justice Dindon said he relied heavily on these words of Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy: “We cannot force our views upon the citizenry; we can only inspire them to look beyond themselves and aid them in their search for a just and better life for all.”

OTD in 2013—ISML confirms discovery of ancient “shedding” song

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The Institute for the Study of Mammalian Life has confirmed the discovery of an ancient shedding song. The lyrics of the song were inscribed on a stone tablet that was found near The Park’s Wishing Well during a routine dig last Summer.

At a press conference held this afternoon on the grounds of the Institute, ISML Chief Archaeologist Catriona Cairn-Terrier characterized the find as “significant” and described the tablet as “basically in good shape, with a few breaks here and there at the ends, but nothing that prevented us from reading the letters on it.”

She credited a team of musicologists from the University of West Terrier’s Zedrich School of Music with helping the Institute’s staff determine the nature and meaning of the inscription on the stone.

“We knew from the way the words were arranged that it was some type of poem or poetic structure, but it wasn’t until we worked with the musicologists that we were able to comprehend its true essence,” she said.

According to Cairn-Terrier, shedding songs (as well as molting songs) were a popular genre many thousands of years ago.

“They celebrate the natural order of things…moving from one season to another…and especially the rebirth that occurs in the Spring,” she said.

The language of the inscription found on the tablet is known as “Mammalian XII,” an ancient language that is related to Mammalian VII and, according to archaeologists, one that was in use during the Hairy Mammal Era (HME). And although the entire song has yet to be transcribed, Cairn-Terrier offered up what she believes is the song’s chorus:

Spring is sprung!
The winter’s done!
The sun’s come out to play!
Let’s shed the old,
Don something bold – 
For summer’s on its way! 

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