The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

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On This Day—December 18, 2014: On the comeback trail, Thisbe takes a moment to say “thank you” to her fans

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Thisbe Laulaa coverTMD EXCLUSIVE: Excerpt from Laulaa® Magazine
Although Thisbe needs no introduction in The Park, she says that this time around, she’s determined “to let my fans in as much as possible so they know who I really am.”

As the founder and lead singer of The Park’s most popular group prepares for a comeback tour, she appears more settled and thoughtful than before.

“I didn’t realize how important my fans were to me,” she says in an exclusive interview in Laulaa® Magazine, due out on December 25.

“And I think they deserve a little more than I’ve given them … not in my singing so much, but in my time and thought.”

The singer has had a lot of time for thought the last few years. Since cancelling the group’s farewell tour in 2007, Thisbe has suffered from a variety of illnesses, the worst of which she says was melancholia.

“When I had to stop performing, I thought I would enjoy it. There were so many things I’d never done … so many of my senses I’d never used. But it didn’t turn out to be that way at all. First, I lost one of my littermates. And even though we weren’t exactly close, that loss hit home. It made me focus on what I really wanted and what I wanted to do. I could see that time was of the essence. But it took me a while before I could use that realization to any advantage. And in the meantime, I kept myself isolated, which was the exact opposite of what I had planned,” she says.

The star credits her fans, who never forgot her, with re-awakening her interest in living.

“I never lost my bark but for a while, I lost my bite,” she laughs.

The full interview with Thisbe will appear in Laulaa® Magazine, The Official Magazine of the Canine Music Association, on December 25, 2014. 

On This Day—December 17, 2013: Grooming house offers “Rapper Special” on claw sharpening

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Amoltrud's Aesthetics

Who says Animals in business have no sense of humour?

Not Amoltrud Poedel. The owner of The Park’s oldest grooming house believes that serious events can have a funny side. And just to prove it, she’s added a seasonal special to the long list of services her salon offers.

“I’m calling it the ‘Rapper Special’ and we’re offering it at half price, this week only,” she laughs. “It’s our full claw sharpening treatment…but we do it extra-carefully, so that all that nasty bark won’t get caught in your claws.”

The reference, of course, is to the trial of Rapper Will.o.be., who was acquitted yesterday after being charged with, among other things, sharpening his claws on a precious Park Oak Tree.

Poedel won’t say whether she harbours doubts about his innocence, but she’s clearly not against taking advantage of the doubts of many other Park citizens.

But, she says, “It’s all in good fun. I’m hoping he’ll come in for a sharpening or, at least, write our next jingle for us. Something snappy, with a bit of a bite and a bark to it, maybe.”

On This Day—December, 16, 2014: SplotchWatch web site a dangerous sign of the times, say Park Police

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SplotchWatchThe web site, called “SplotchWatch,” has been under surveillance “for a few months now,” according to Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of The Park Police Force’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU).

“Its only purpose, as far as we can tell, is to name Animals who have had their spots or stripes removed,” he says. “It’s a dangerous sign of the times.”

The owner and operator of the site, whose name police will not reveal at this time, believes it is in the interest of “openness and honesty” to let Park Animals know who among them has altered their appearance.

“The owner of the site seems to believe that there is something intrinsically dishonest about that [stripe or spot removal] and his mission is to ensure that all Park Animals are made aware of this form of deception,” Addax says.

Police will continue to watch activity on the site and assess the effect it may or may not be having on Park life.

“If we see that the site is inducing hatred or violence toward any Animal or group of Animals, we will move in swiftly,” he says.

Otherwise, the operator of the web site is acting within his rights.

“He [the site’s owner] is walking a fine line here,” says Addax. “And we hope he realizes it.”

On This Day—December 15, 2012: WatchDog group warns of impending newspaper war

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The Park may soon become the battleground in a major newspaper war.

That is the opinion of the Centre for the Study of Newspaper Activity in The Park (C-SNAP), a group that monitors changes in Park media policy.

“The Park’s media are gearing up for a significant scuffle, if not an all-out war,” said the Centre’s Executive Director, Noburu Akita, at a policy conference held in conjunction with the publication of the group’s semi-annual SNAPshot report.

The report, which was released at the beginning of January, cited a number of key factors that led the group to conclude that a serious war of the “word worlds” was in the offing.

Among the most significant of these, according to C-SNAP, is a change in editorial policy at a number of Park publications.

“We have seen this demonstrated most notably at The Insect Intelligencer, The Rodent Commoner, The Eagle Star, and at The Mammalian Daily, with the introduction of their undercover reporting,” Akita said.

Each of these newspapers has added investigative reporting to its regular news coverage. The Insect Intelligencer added six investigative journalists to its roster in order to service its now regular “Fly on the Wall” feature, while The Mammalian Daily is planning to use four of its senior journalists on a rotating basis to fill its investigative positions.

The SNAPshot report cited several significant changes at The Mammalian Daily which, it said, could signal the newspaper’s intent to do battle openly against its rivals. In response to recent criticism by the Association of Non-Mammalian Park Newspapers (ANMPN), for instance, The Mammalian Daily released the names and photographs of some of its higher-ranking journalists. Their bylines, however, still do not appear in the paper. The report also noted that The Mammalian Daily has gradually changed its focus by “casting an eye toward the world outside The Park.”

“Considerable space has been devoted, not only to events, but to the opinions and reactions of those who live outside The Park. Some of the stories that have been reported have had the outside world and, specifically, the Human world, as their focus,” the report said.

In addition, the watchDog group says that it has detected a sizeable increase in advertising revenues derived from non-Mammalian businesses and services. This increase, the group feels, may reflect a change in the definition of The Mammalian Daily’s target market.

“We believe that TMD may be directing some of its advertising and content at the non-Mammalian members of The Park, namely the Avian, Amphibian, Reptilian, and Insect population, in order to secure its position as [The Park’s] official newspaper,” Akita said.

Other factors predictive of “war,” according to C-SNAP, are a series of “strategic defections” of key staff members across the medium’s spectrum, and the high number of influential journalists who have “shifted position” in the last few months.

“Position shifting,” Akita explained, is Park media-speak for a change that involves not only employment, but editorial outlook, as well.

“Journalists move from paper to paper and, sometimes, from medium to medium. There is nothing intrinsically significant in that. What is significant in these changes is that reporters moved from a paper with one political outlook to another with a distinctly different political viewpoint. Some even moved to a paper that serviced another species, altogether. This openness to courting from other journals demonstrates that the reporters’ politics and species identification might have taken a backseat to a strong desire for change.”

Akita specifically noted the late December departure of Mammalian Daily star reporter, Anselm Alpaca, who now writes for The Equine Echo, and of the Galliformes Gazette’s Hamilton Snowcock, who was rumoured to have been wooed by a number of publications until he finally came to roost at The Canary Courier.

This article originally appeared in Issue #117 of The Mammalian Daily.

On This Day—December 14, 2012: Mammalian Daily editorial policies criticized by rival Park newspapers

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The Association of Non-Mammalian Park Newspapers (ANMPN), whose members include The Mollusk Messenger, The Canary Courier, The Insect Intelligencer, The Halibut Herald, and The Salamander Evening Post, has formally criticized the editorial policies of The Mammalian Daily.

At a media conference held this month at the University of West Terrier’s prestigious Cuthbert School of Journalism, a group of ANMPN editors expressed concern about certain aspects of The Mammalian Daily’s editorial guidelines.

“After examining the newspaper’s [editorial] policies, we have concluded that The Mammalian Daily falls short of its mandate to be The Park’s official newspaper. We recommend that steps be taken immediately to make the newspaper more inclusive and, thus, make it more representative of The Park’s population as a whole.” said Nathan R. DiPressa, Editor-in-Chief of The Reptile Register and Executive Director of the Association.

ANMPN members were unanimously critical of the newspaper’s official policy of anonymous reporting which, the Association said, allowed Mammalian Daily journalists to “hide behind their species.”

“Unless a writer’s species is declared,” said Tarrance Turkey, Deputy News Editor at The Galliforme Gazette and an ANMPN founding member, “readers have no way of knowing what that writer’s bias is in reporting.”

The Mammalian Daily drew further criticism for what the Association deemed a “pro- Human slant” in its coverage of events outside The Park, and for its limited reporting of news and events of a non-Mammalian nature.

“Even though my community participates fully in Park affairs, I find only on rare occasions do we receive the amount of attention that we deserve,” said Senior Finance Reporter Antoinette Anhima of The Avian Messenger.

While these criticisms reflected the common sentiment among rival Park publications, others expressed a more positive view of The Mammalian Daily.

Speaking at the conference’s concluding dinner, UWT Professor Ludwiga Saimiri, said she found much to commend in The Mammalian Daily. The distinguished scholar is the former director of the Centre for the Incorporation and Integration of Interspecial Values in Journalism (CIIIVJ).

She praised the paper for its forward-thinking policies, supporting its stand against the frivolous use of descriptive terms in its newspaper.

“Neither fur nor feather colour is to be reported, nor family, political, or financial status, unless it is germane to the story,” she said, quoting from The Mammalian Daily’s 25 AZ Statement of Editorial Intent.

“Too many Park publications indulge in ‘Werturteilfreude,’ she said, explaining the term that she has coined to mean “joy obtained from the making of a value judgement.”

“These judgements, made by reporters and editors, masquerade as descriptive terms in the [other] papers’ headlines and stories. But they are unfair, often unfounded, and have no place in responsible journalism,” she declared.

As for the newspaper’s supposed pro-Human slant, Professor Saimiri was sanguine about Humans and the role they play in Park affairs.

“We could do worse than attempt to present a balanced view of the Human world,” she said.

This article originally appeared in Issue #116 of The Mammalian Daily

On This Day—December 13, 2011: Park issues seasonal safety alert

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In its continuing effort to protect Park residents, the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) has issued a seasonal advisory, warning Animals to beware of Humans who appear to be seeking “animal companionship.”

The advisory, which was issued on December 12, warns Park Animals against associating with Humans who display overly-friendly behaviour toward them or who take an “interest in their life circumstances that goes beyond normal friendship.”

“We are advising Park Animals to be on the lookout for suspicious behaviour on the part of Humans,” said DWBS Director of Public Relations, Cornelius Kakapo, in an interview yesterday.

“The sentimentality of the season,” said Kakapo, “makes Humans more likely to succumb to urges to take Animals home with them or to give them as gifts to other Humans.”

Kakapo emphasized that Park Animals should beware of Humans who try to entice them with food, or who make cooing noises at them or call them by names such as “cutie” and “sweetie.” Any Animal who does experience a problem with Humans is encouraged to report the incident immediately to one of the following DWBS hotlines:

Feral Cat Helpline: 1-899-33725228
Assaulted Animals Helpline: 1-899-27728583
Missing Animals Registry: 1-899-64774642
Missing Family Members Report: 1-899-32645966
Youthline (Kittens, Puppies, Cubs, etc.): 1-899-96884546

On This Day—December 12, 2012: Museum’s “Archonic Visions” breaks all attendance records

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“Archonic Visions”, The Park Museum’s 2012 travelling exhibition, has set an all-time record for attendance, according to statistics compiled by The Park’s Department of Culture and Heritage.

“We just smashed the records,” said Sukuta Rhinoceros in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio. Rhinoceros is a member of The Park Museum’s Board of Governors and one of its founders.

“And that’s for any exhibition, cultural or artistic, since the founding of zoocracy. This bodes well for the museum and for the future of The Park, itself,” he said.

Park Historical Society President Clark Cascanueces echoed that sentiment.

“We were thrilled to see those numbers. We view this as a re-awakening of interest in Park history,” he said.

The exhibition, which was sponsored by the Marine Mammal Bank of The Park, highlighted the ideas and accomplishments of the Archons who served in the government from the first year of zoocracy until the end of 2010. The exhibition closed November 30.

On This Day—December 11, 2013: Park’s retail, construction sectors expected to post strong gains after extended pre-hibernation period

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GoUnderground

The Park’s retail and construction services sectors are set to show strong gains in the fourth quarter, according to Xavier Dingo, chief financial analyst at A. Corn and Partners.

“It’s an ill wind that blows nobody any good,” he says. “And for these sectors, the extension of the pre-hibernation period was truly a gift.”

That extension, which was itself a result of the POPS election debacle, enabled Animals who otherwise would have been in a state of torpor to continue to spend on their hibernation preparations.

“There was a flurry of activity, at just about the time that we would have been putting away our hibernation gear,” says GoUnderground’s director of sales Nafari Bongo.

The Park’s largest hibernation outfitter is not alone. Throughout the retail sector, sales were unusually high.

“Our members were kept busy, that’s for sure,” says a spokesAnimal for the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS). She was speaking on behalf of founder and current president Wellington Whistlepig, who went into hibernation on December 1.

The construction services sector also saw unusual gains for the season, says Dingo.

“Many Animals took the opportunity to renovate their hibernating quarters and some even built brand new ones,” he says.

Kerman Astoa, vice-president of sales for Burrows and Beyond confirms this. His construction company is The Park’s only business that specializes in hibernation facilities.

“Quite frankly, we were overwhelmed by last-minute orders,” he admits. “There was a day when we thought we might not be able to fulfil all the new orders. But we did.”

Businesses that serve Animals at pre-hibernation time were not the only ones to see gains, though. Provisions by Petrounel, the prestigious Park grocer and caterer that provides post-hibernation sustenance to many, saw its orders triple at the end of November.

“I think many Animals anticipated needing a little something extra…a little pick-me-up to get them going after hibernation, since they won’t be under for as long this year,” says the shop’s owner Beatrice T. Orang.

On This Day—December 10, 2014: Inktvis and Krake to join lineup for Celebration of the Winter Solstice

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3-hearts-1-headInktvis and Krake will be joining the lineup of musical performers at this year’s Celebration of the Winter Solstice, their agent confirmed today.

In a short communiqué released this morning, the agent said they were “very much looking forward to performing at this joyful celebration.”

This will be the second time the aquatic duo has performed at the Celebration of the Winter Solstice and the live performance coincides with the re-release of their most successful collection, 3 Hearts, 1 Head.

Other performers who have confirmed their appearance this year are The Feral Four, Eggie and the Pigs, SCENTient Beings, and The Beasts of Burden. For the third year in a row, the Herman Stoat Dance Company will perform a new work choreographed for the occasion.

The full itinerary for the event will be released shortly, according to the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations.

The Celebration of the Winter Solstice begins at sunrise on December 21. Food will be served until 11:00 pm.

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