The Mammalian Daily

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OTD in 2015—Chitter Radio Literary Awards: Woodruff Dalmatio’s “Fine Lines and Wrinkles”

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Woodruff DalmatioSPOTLIGHT ON…

Fine Lines and Wrinkles: Standing up for Comedy in the Modern Park
by Woodruff Dalmatio
275 pp Kynikos Press

On the list of contenders for this year’s Chitter Radio Literary Awards is Woodruff Dalmatio’s insightful and hilarious memoir-cum-rant, Fine Lines and Wrinkles: Standing up for Comedy in the Modern Park. 

The Park comic, whose book is entered in both the memoir and humour categories, was last heard calling for a “Month Without Media” in response to The Park’s annual “Month Without Metaphor.” He is otherwise known for his outrageous standup comedy which found him running “afowl” of certain species last year.

While Dalmatio was censured for some inappropriate comments and he lost a few gigs, he’s made up for it in this book, not by taking the high road per se, but by delineating for his audience and readers the road that comics travel.

“There’s a fine line between humour and offence and comedians try to walk it every day,” he says in the book’s introduction. “Unfortunately, they stumble quite often.”

And about those wrinkles? Dalmatio contends they’re never anticipated and always a surprise. But here’s another wrinkle: he says they’re never unwelcome.

“The minute you step off the stage, the chatter begins and you never know where it will lead. You think you’ve had a smooth set, and then you find there’s a wrinkle in it. And, sometimes, that wrinkle grows huge and you have to do something to iron things out again. But without those wrinkles, your career would be stagnant,” he writes.

The Chitter Radio Literary Awards take place June 15.

OTD in 2016—Tab to take on Tavros with launch of “Liberation Libation” at literary awards

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Tab TricoloreNever one to back down from a fight, celebrity chef and award-winning author Tab Tricolore has announced that he plans to use Wednesday’s Chitter Radio Literary Awards to take down his latest enemy, Yannis Tavros.

Tavros, who last month accused Tricolore of discriminating against the non-striped at his pub, The Tabby Club, launched his #BullintheTabbyClub campaign in earnest last week when he encouraged his listeners and Twitter followers to boycott Tricolore’s restaurants. Instead, he told them to follow him to Mikko Tikkeri’s The Feeding Station.

Tricolore did not respond immediately to the challenge. But today he announced that he would be serving his newest creation, the #LiberationLibation, to all attendees at Wednesday’s Chitter Radio Literary Awards.

“It’s Enforced Domestication Awareness Month. Come and see what real freedom tastes like—not the kind that Tavros is serving up on the radio,” Tricolore posted in an online open invitation.

The popular chef, who won two Chitter Radio Literary Awards in 2013 for his cookbook, The Feral Roots of Our Festive Cuisine, is reportedly “incensed” that Tavros accused him of discrimination.

“Tab was born to a feral mother and experienced the kind of discrimination that Yannis Tavros can’t even imagine,” says Tricolore’s former saucier, Barry “Béarnaise” Burmilla. “It wasn’t even his idea for The Tabby Club to be an all-striped pub. It was the original owner’s— who, by the way, was The Park’s first leader.”

Burmilla describes Tab as a “tough but fair” boss who “absolutely believes” in the equality of all species.

“About that, he’s never had a second thought,” says Burmilla.

OTD in 2017—Holstein Fashion plans June launch of scent to support EDAM, EQUALSS

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grazecroppedHolstein Fashion, the parent company of Designs by Holstein, will continue its charitable work this year by launching a new scent, GRAZE, that will benefit enforced domestication awareness (EDAM) as well as the company’s own charity, EQUALSS.

A statement released this morning by company president and CEO Balbina Ko included an invitation to all Park residents to the June 15 launch party at the Reek-O-Rama.

“Please join us to celebrate the strides we’ve made in enforced domestication awareness and in achieving equality among the species, especially the striped and spotted,” the invitation reads.

In the statement, Ko describes the scent as having “notes of grass, fresh rain, and clotted earth, combined in such a way as to be reminiscent of peaceful Summer days away from the hustle and bustle of daily life.”

While the scent will be the star of the launch party, the celebration of equality and Animal self-rule will be the theme, Ko told The Mammalian Daily. All attendees will receive a sample of the scent and all proceeds from its sale in June and July will go to enforced domestication awareness. After that, the proceeds will be split between EDAM and Holstein Fashion’s own charity, EQUALSS, which supports equality for the striped and spotted.

OTD in 2014—Data Retrievers: Meet Park Police’s new partners in Tree hacking investigation

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Data RetrieversPark Police announced today that they have partnered with a private firm of data Retrievers to aid them in their investigation into April’s Data Tree hacking.

At a press conference held this morning, Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU) confirmed that Park Police have engaged the services of AROO, a private data retrieval company, in the hopes of locating some of the data lost when the Tree was hacked.

“These are skilled data Retrievers,” Fossa said. “It is our hope that they will be able to sniff out some of the Tree’s lost data.”

Fossa stressed that this is an independent investigation and not connected to the one in which Police are already engaged.

“Whether or not we are ever able to ascertain the perpetrator of the crime and whether or not we are then able to bring that perpetrator to justice, we need to try to find the lost data. AROO has a solid history in data retrieval and we are confident that our partnership with them will bring results,” she said.

Some observers, though skeptical of the plan, point to The Park’s limitations when it comes to prosecuting Humans and others who live outside The Park. According to the Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS), Humans may, indeed, be responsible for the Tree hacking.

“As I have said in the past, it does not lie within our jurisdiction to prosecute Humans who reside outside The Park,” explained Fionnula L. Fox, professor of law at the University of West Terrier and a specialist in extra-hortulanial law (law that applies outside The Park).

“For this reason, I applaud Park Police for making an effort to rectify the damage done in concert with attempting to find the perpetrator,” she said.

Sierpinski Squirrel said he was “cautiously optimistic” when informed of the plan. The Chief Financial Officer of A. Corn and Partners stands to gain the most from this new partnership, as his company stored the major part of its data in the Oak Tree that was hacked.

OTD in 2014—Fowl Ball shines light on Avian plight

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Fowl BallNotwithstanding the unfortunate grooming house incident, Saturday’s first annual Fowl Ball was a great success, according to both organizers and attendees.

“We raised more funds than we ever thought possible,” said chief organizer Rafael Ortega at an after-party at his home.

“But I think where we did the best…and I would say we triumphed…was in raising awareness of the plight of our Avian community and of Avians in general,” he said.

Ortega, who spoke briefly at the Ball, credited his fellow organizers, the Ball’s dedicated contributors, and the “brilliant” musicians and other performers with making the event “five hundred times better than we ever could have imagined.”

Banded Brothers kicked things off with with a rousing rendition of “Surround Sound,” followed by their mega-hit, “ididitfortheband.” More music followed from The Tweeters and The Beasts of Burden, while Jargonhead demonstrated the reason he is so beloved in The Park.

A series of auctions punctuated the performances (there were seven auctions in all) and halfway through the evening, the stage was given over to a small group of Avian activists. They addressed the massive crowd of Animals, who were all decked out in their finery, clearly enjoying a good time.

“We certainly don’t want to bring you down,” they said, “but we want you to understand the reason you’re here.”

A short video, produced by the group, demonstrated the problems of the Avian community, particularly during migration.

“We try our best but the world is changing before our eyes and we can’t always see the danger ahead,” said Inez Gallina, president of Home to Roost, an group that offers aid to Avian immigrants. As she spoke, photographs of Birds who had been injured after they crashed into glass buildings flew across the screen, shocking many who had not realized the extent of Avian suffering.

But perhaps the most moving speech of the night was that of Philippe Sauvage, lead singer of the Feline band, The Feral Four. He spoke with sincerity and the depth of his emotion surprised the crowd.

“I harbour deep regret for the misery that my community has brought on the Avian community,” he said, as he promised to work for the good of all species in the future.

OTD in 2015—Enforced Domestication Awareness Month: Schedule of Events released

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Enforced Domestication 1The 2015 Archons, in conjunction with the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) and the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, have released the official schedule of events for Enforced Domestication Awareness Month.

In a short speech this morning during which she declared the event open, Chief Archon Abayomi Tanishia Cuckoo seemed visibly moved as she spoke of her pride in the growth of the month-long event.

“This is only our third Enforced Domestication Awareness Month, yet we have seen such an increase not only in our awareness, but in our willingness to talk about this issue. I take great pride in my involvement and I want to say that I am proud and humbled by our formerly domesticated citizens, whose bravery in discussing the reality of their lives inspires me every day of every month.

I hereby declare the June 2015 Enforced Domestication Awareness Month open. Let the talking, the listening, and the understanding begin,” she said.

This year’s events have expanded in number and location to include several Park art galleries, The Park Museum, the University of West Terrier, and most Park shops and grooming houses.

The official schedule of events will be posted at the law courts, the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre, The Park Museum, the University of West Terrier, and at all Park shops. The Mammalian Daily will also issue a pullout printed version, as well as posting the schedule online.

OTD in 2014—Stampede at grooming house leaves 68 Animals injured, 35 jailed

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Stampede at Grooming HouseAn early morning stampede at one of The Park’s leading grooming houses has left 68 Animals injured and sent 35 others to jail.

The scuffle broke out at approximately 6:00 a.m., when a herd of Bison stormed Tallulah’s Toilettage and demanded to be seen. According to a witness, the Bison were joined by a group of Bulls, Horses, Cats, and others. All are regular customers of the grooming house.

“They were angry because their appointments had been cancelled. They were put off until next week, in favour of those who had tickets to the Fowl Ball,” the witness said.

Groomer Amoltrud Poedel, whose shop, Amoltrud’s Aesthetics, has also been “overrun” by Fowl Ball attendees, said she thought that Tallulah’s had been targeted because it offers an exclusive service known as “Moulting Minimizers.”

“It’s the [moulting] season and, even though they broke the law, I feel for them. It’s unfortunate that the needs of Fowl Ball participants were seen to be more important than the needs of so many others. Perhaps this wasn’t the perfect time to schedule the Fowl Ball after all,” she said.

Park Police told The Mammalian Daily that the majority of the injured were taken by Elephant Emergency Brigade (EEB) to the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm. The 35 Animals who were believed to be the instigators of the stampede, were detained at the scene and later taken to the Park Jail. They are to appear in court on Monday.

A Police spokesAnimal also confirmed that Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of the Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) and Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU) have been assigned to the case.

“We think we may be seeing some interspecial tension at play here and if that is the case, we want to deal with it as soon as possible,” the spokesAnimal said.

OTD in 2015—No rest for the judiciary: ruling to come on grooming house call for injunction

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Mr. Justice Augustus DindonSometimes, there’s just no rest for the judiciary.

Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon arrived at The Park’s Superior Court this morning at 7:00 a.m. He is expected to rule later today on the request for an injunction against the police that was brought by The Park’s grooming houses late yesterday afternoon.

In its petition for an injunction against the stationing of officers outside their businesses, the grooming houses appealed to the Justice on a number of issues including harm to customer relations, disruption of business, loss of income, and loss of reputation.

But the one issue that stands out among them and that will give the Justice pause, say legal experts, is the issue of destabilizing The Park and threatening zoocracy.

“The stationing of police on private property where no crime has taken place is a very serious matter. It may look, at first, as if it is about the issue of peacekeeping, but if you delve more deeply into it, you see that such an aggressive act is indeed a threat to our very zoocracy,” says Delwyn Terrier, founding partner of Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd.

Fionnula L. Fox, professor of law at the University of West Terrier and a specialist in extra-hortulanial law (law that applies outside The Park) agrees.

“Our zoocracy was founded on the right to free expression and free assembly. The Animals who caused the stampede last year did not break the law by complaining; they broke the law by acting in a violent fashion and by hurting each other. But it is not the rôle of the police to guard against crime; it is their place to be ready to attend when laws are broken. This may seem as if it’s a very fine line, but it is not. It is a very thick line and attempting to thin it is menacing,” she says.

Mr. Justice Dindon will hear presentations from both sides this morning and he is expected to rule on the matter late in the day.

OTD in 2016—Tabby Club accused of discrimination

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The Tabby ClubTabby Club proprietor Tab Tricolore is calling accusations of discrimination against his pub “ridiculous” and vowed today to maintain what he calls the “integrity” of his establishment.

The accusations were made Wednesday by Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros. According to Tavros, he asked Tricolore in person to allow him to enter The Tabby Club, but Tricolore refused.

Tricolore does not deny that he refused entry to Tavros, nor does he regret it. Instead, he says, he stands by his decision, despite the #BullintheTabbyClub campaign that Tavros began today on Twitter.

“I don’t know what Tavros is up to. Maybe his ratings are down or maybe he’s simply bored. I don’t know what game he’s playing, but it is a game and it has no place in a serious Park,” Tricolore said on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning.

The Tabby Club was established as a striped-only pub by Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy. Jor said that he opened it as a Tabbies-only pub because, at that time, Tabbies couldn’t get a drink or a meal at any other establishment in The Park. The pub’s employees kept it afloat for years after Jor’s death, until Tricolore assumed ownership in 2010. promising to keep the employees and the pub as it was.

Tricolore said today that he stands by that promise and by what he said in a 2013 interview with The Mammalian Daily:

“I’m not against keeping it exclusive for a while, just to remind us that this Park is a work in progress. We’re not finished, by any means. And The Tabby Club kind of proves that.”

OTD in 2014—Humans implicated in Data Tree hacking: investigators

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tree hackedHumans may have been involved in the April hacking of one of The Park’s largest Data Trees.

At a press conference held this morning, C. Astrid H. Ant, Head of The Park’s Ant Security and Intelligence Service (ASIS), confirmed that members of her team had witnessed a scene that some now see as foreshadowing the events of April 9.

“Some members of my team, while at work on a different case, witnessed a scene that we now see as suspicious and could well have been related to the hacking,” Ant said.

“On the morning of March 31, a group of Humans arrived in a small open truck and stopped at the Oak Tree. My team reports that two male Humans exited the vehicle while a third, the driver, continued driving until he stopped at the edge of The Park. The two male Humans stood staring at the Tree, examining its trunk and taking measurements of it. This went on for approximately five minutes, after which the two in question went to join the driver in the truck.”

According to Ant, her team members lost sight of the Humans after they joined their driver and they have not seen them since. Ant could not confirm whether the small truck carried weapons of arboreal destruction (WAD).

Ant was joined at the press conference by Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of the Park Police’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU), who said Park Police had taken the ASIS team’s statement and were working some other leads together with Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU).

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