The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

On This Day—October 20, 2014: Finance Officer Milton Struts accepted food from Human: rumour

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headsNtalesBeleaguered Park Finance Officer Milton Struts is in the news again, this time for what may be a major indiscretion on his part.

The Park’s “most-watched” gossip site headsNtales is reporting that the creator of the controversial 2015 budget accepted food from a Human less than a month ago.

According to the site, Struts was strolling through The Park when he encountered a pair of adult Humans carrying a picnic basket. The site alleges that Struts “willingly” accepted an offer of food from the basket.

“This did not appear to be a case of coercion,” headsNtales co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo said in an interview on CLucK Radio this morning.

“From what we can tell, Struts was free to decline, but he chose not to.”

While Guacamayo claims the gossip site is in possession of photographs that prove the story, no hard evidence has appeared on the site since the original story was posted on Saturday.

If, in fact, it can be proven that Struts accepted the food, he could be found in violation of Section III.iv.vii of The Park’s Employee Conduct Act, which stipulates that no Animal currently employed by any branch of The Park’s government “shall request or accept from any Animal any form of remuneration, including currency, food, shelter, entertainment or other, inside or outside The Park.”

On This Day—October 15, 2015: Snowbird Farewell shocker: more come to the party, but fewer leave

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Snowbird FarewellAs any Animal who has ever attended the event knows, the Snowbird Farewell is one of The Park’s most joyous and emotional Autumn celebrations. 

It’s a chance to enjoy great food and entertainment, and to wish our Avian population well on their journey south.

But that’s not the way it always goes, these days.

“Time was, you’d say a teary farewell to your Avian friends and hope you would see them in the Spring,” says Dewi Beruang, who attended her tenth Farewell this year.

“These days, you say goodbye and then arrange to meet them the next day.”

Beruang is not the only one who’s noticed the difference: the tales of those who work in Avian aid organizations or whose businesses cater to Avians bear out her story.

“The Park’s permanent [Avian] population has increased dramatically, in part because more Birds are opting to stay in The Park year-round,” says Rafael Ortega, the chief organizer of the Fowl Ball. Last year, the charity decided to use the funds they raised from the event to build and maintain a retirement residence for the growing number of The Park’s wounded and elderly Birds.

“Many of them find migration difficult or impossible,” Ortega says. “We have to find them a permanent place to live.”

But illness and old age are not the only reasons that Birds are staying put.

“From what I can tell, life here has become less challenging in the Winter months, and life outside The Park more so,” says Nicoletta Cardinale, owner of  STRICTLY FOR THE BIRDS, a travel agency that specializes in migration travel. Cardinale says business at the agency is down twenty percent from last year.

“A few years ago, we were swamped and I had to hire five new agents in one season. Now, I have to lay off the same five,” she says.

But Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) claims that not all Avian-related businesses are suffering, citing the “astronomical” growth of CyBird Dating Services and Gandermatch.com as examples.

“What’s good for the Goose, as they say,” he chuckles.

GooseBook, too, has noticed the difference.

“We’ve been tracking this for a few years now, and it’s true,” says GooseBook’s President and C.E.O., Lester C. Gander.

“In the past, there was a lot of pre-migration activity as well as mid-trip and arrival posting. Now, there is much less travel-related Avian activity on the site, while, of course, there are more Birds joining every day,” he says.

And, finally, the Snowbird Farewell itself has seen what organizing committee president Cécile Bardot calls a “seismic shift” not only in attendance numbers but in the event’s raison d’être.

“There will always be migrators, of course, so we will always host the Farewell. But there may come a time when we have to expand its rôle in the social calendar. And, of course, we will need more funding,” she says.

On This Day—October 13, 2014: Park Repertory Theatre to raise funds from tours of Aardeekhoorn’s burrow

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The burrow of the late playwright Imogen Aardeekhoorn will be the subject of a series of guided tours hosted by the Park Repertory Theatre, The Mammalian Daily has learned.

The tours will help the theatre raise much-needed funds, according to Chief Executive, Valencienne Castor.

“We struggle to make ends meet and Imogen was well aware of the situation. I believe that was one of the reasons she left the burrow to the theatre,” Castor says.

Aardeekhoorn, who died this past July, willed her burrow to the theatre on the condition that it remain as it was found after her death. Castor is adamant that “nothing has been touched or moved” since the will was probated by the law firm founded by Ingmar Prärievarg.

Before the probate, there was talk of opening a second stage in the burrow or a studio space for students of the Millicent Hayberry Centre for the Study of Drama and Performance at the University of West Terrier. Those plans have been shelved, at least for now, said Castor, in part due to funding issues.

“We are not able, at this time, to contemplate opening a second space and we do not want to enter into a competition with the Burrow Theatre,” Castor told The Mammalian Daily.

“Our goal is to honour Imogen’s wishes and we know that she wanted the Park Repertory Theatre to survive.”

On This Day—October 10, 2014: Simply Structures loses bid to build 2015 prognostication pad

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jgroundhogday

The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations announced today that it has selected Nesthetics as the provider of the 2015 Groundhog Day prognostication pad.

In a short statement released this morning, the department said it was impressed by the company’s bid and by the foresight it demonstrated with regard to the sturdiness of materials and design.

This is a huge blow to Simply Structures, the company that has supplied the materials, design, and construction of the prognostication pad for over ten years.

In the statement, the department acknowledged its longstanding relationship with Simply Structures, expressing appreciation for their work in the past and saying it hopes they will bid again for the job in the coming years.

Simply Structures has made no response to the decision thus far, but The Park’s business leaders say they are flabbergasted by the decision.

“Not to put too fine a point on it, but I think this has to do with last year’s shadow controversy,” said Wellington Whistlepig, president of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio this afternoon.

“And I think it’s despicable if that’s the case, because they’re letting a few disgruntled Animals who didn’t like the prediction to dictate the fate of a very good business.”

Sierpinski Squirrel, Chief Financial Officer of A. Corn and Partners, agrees.

“This will be a huge blow to their bottom line and, quite frankly, I don’t think the decision is justified,” he said. “I think it’s a knee-jerk reaction. They’re covering themselves in case the same kind of controversy occurs this year and I don’t think that’s the right move.”

The controversy last year began seconds after Solange Marmotte, 2014 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), declared that The Park could expect another six weeks of Winter because she had seen her shadow. A group of disgruntled spectators claimed the shadow that Marmotte had seen was not her own, but one that appeared as a result of a fault in the Prognostication Pad.

The organizers brought in a team of shadow experts to rule on the matter and they decided that, given the paw and claw that appeared on the artists’ tracings, the shadow must indeed have been Marmotte’s. Shortly thereafter, Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon signed the Official POPS’ Proclamation.

A lawsuit filed by the group of disgruntled spectators was thrown out of the courts a short time later.

On This Day—October 5, 2015: TMD managing editor may bow to pressure on bylines: rumour

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Extra! Extra!Mammalian Daily managing editor Orphea Haas may be about to bow to pressure from rival Park media outlets to publish journalists’ names above their news reports.

According to a post on the gossip web site headsNtales, Haas has received counsel on the matter from a number of sources, including Nathan DiPressa, Executive Director of the Association of Non-Mammalian Park Newspapers (ANMPN).

In a Friday post, one of the web site’s “reporters” claims to have seen DiPressa leaving TMD headquarters late last Tuesday. DiPressa’s office refused to confirm the meeting, but an anonymous source at The Canary Courier said it was the third time in the last two weeks that DiPressa had been seen exiting the building.

For decades now, the newspaper has successfully defended its longstanding policy of keeping journalists’ names—and more importantly, their species—out of the paper. But that policy has gotten increasing attention in the last few years, with other media organizations demanding the same amount of transparency from The Mammalian Daily that they themselves are obliged to offer their audience.

At a print media conference held in August at the University of West Terrier’s Cuthbert School of Journalism, the number one issue for attendees was transparency.

“The era of anonymous reporting is over. If you are hiding your journalists’ identities, you are hiding their biases, and you are not being forthright with your readers,” DiPressa said at the time.

Even some who supported the policy in the past appear to have changed course with the passage of time.

UWT Professor Ludwiga Saimiri, who had praised The Mammalian Daily’s policy as recently as last year, appears to have had a change of heart.

As a guest on the Yannis Tavros show last week, the distinguished scholar and former director of the Centre for the Incorporation and Integration of Interspecial Values in Journalism (CIIIVJ) said the time had come for TMD to embrace transparency.

“Zoocracy and its attendant openness require it and I no longer see any harm in knowing the species of those who bring us the news,” she said. “The Mammalian Daily may be coming late to the party, but it’s one I believe they should make an effort to attend.”

On This Day—October 2, 2014: One last assignment: Noreen to cover Frankfurt Book Fair before leave starts

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Noreen official badge portraitNoreen will be taking a short break from her work here at The Mammalian Daily in order to promote her book, Lovely To Look At.

But before her leave starts on November 1, she has accepted one last Mammalian Daily assignment: covering the Frankfurt Book Fair in early October.

In a press release dated today, Mammalian Daily managing editor Orphea Haas confirmed both Noreen’s six-month leave from the paper and her last assignment:

It is with great pleasure that we announce today that our advice columnist Noreen will be taking a six-month leave of absence commencing November 1. She will be spending that time promoting her book, Lovely To Look At.

Before she leaves us, though, Noreen has accepted one last assignment. She will be covering the Frankfurt Book Fair between October 8 and October 12. We take pride in being the only Park newspaper to be sending a correspondent to the largest book fair in the world.

Although we will miss her come November, all of us at The Mammalian Daily wish her great success in this and in her future endeavours.” 

 

On This Day—October 1, 2014: Kanariar speaks out about budget

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harvest_002Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, spoke out this morning about the 2015 budget and the ways in which her department may be affected.

During an interview with host Yannis Tavros on Toro Talk Radio, Kanariar admitted that the budget as proposed presented a “significant planning problem” both for her and for other Park departments. In fact, she said, her department was already looking at ways to reduce the cost of the remaining 2014 celebrations.

“It’s a tricky business, though,” she told Tavros.

“We’ve already made agreements and signed contracts and we can’t get out of those. But I do think, at the very least, that we will have to scale down the celebrations and perhaps shorten the hours.”

While she stopped short of calling the budget “bad,” Kanariar said she thought it was short-sighted.

“I think that in trying to simplify, they’ve complicated matters ten times over,” she said.

As for next year, Kanaria warned Park residents to expect a series of “simpler celebrations.”

“Unless there are changes in the budget, we won’t know far enough ahead how much we have to spend. Because of this, we will be planning to have less at our functions. But that doesn’t mean they will be any less successful. We are all able to have fun and enjoy ourselves, no matter what. Our life here in The Park is worth celebrating. And who knows? Perhaps less will turn out to be more in the end,” she said.

On This Day—September 24, 2014: The Nut Bar assumes annual sponsorship of PIFF’s “Noon Nuttiness”

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Glass shape made of nuts with strawIt’s always made sense but now they’ve made it official: The Nut Bar announced today that it will become the annual sponsor of “Noon Nuttiness” at the Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF).

“Noon Nuttiness,” the exclusive screening of comedy films between the hours of 12:00 p.m. and 2:00 p.m., has been wildly successful since its inception. Now entering its third year, PIFF organizers believe it will prove to be the most popular event of this year’s festival.

“This is huge news,” said PIFF Communications President Leola Ocelot, referring to The Nut Bar’s sponsorship announcement.

Speaking at a hastily-arranged press conference this morning, she praised the company for their initiative.

“They’re a very generous company and we greatly appreciate their support of our annual comedy mini-fest,” she said. “This was entirely their idea and it took us all by surprise. I hope other companies will follow their example,” she added.

The Park Interspecial Film Festival will run from 1-5 October, 2014.
The first “Noon Nuttiness” film will be screened on October 2.

On This Day—September 19, 2014: Data Tree hacking was likely the result of “Human error,” says Noreen

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Official NoreenThe hacking in April of one of The Park’s largest data Trees was likely the result of “Human error,” rather than malicious intent, Noreen says.

The Mammalian Daily advice columnist and University of West Terrier adjunct professor of Human Studies was participating in a panel discussion on Toro Talk Radio when she made the comment.

“Humans act as much out of ignorance as they do out of self-interest,” she said.

“And, often, the two go hand-in-hand. It wouldn’t surprise me at all to discover that the Humans who did the hacking had no idea whatsoever that the Tree was being used to store precious data.”

In fact, the Tree had been used for years by Sierpinski Squirrel, Chief Financial Officer of A. Corn and Partners. The company’s long-term lease allowed the Squirrel to store his raw data in the Tree. Much of that data was recovered during the investigation into the hacking, but a significant amount was lost.

“I would bet the Humans thought that the Tree was ill or interfering with other vegetation,” she said. “I can’t imagine any other reason that they would deliberately hack the Tree.”

Noreen also cautioned the panel to remember the limitations of Humans’ senses.

“There are many things that Humans are not able to see and often they misinterpret the things they do see. And we shouldn’t forget, either, that the majority of them lean toward taking a negative view of things they do not understand,” she said.

lovely-to-look-at-front-coverNoreen’s book, Lovely To Look At, was published in October.

On This Day—September 18, 2014: Park’s grooming houses gear up for PIFF

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The Pluming RoomVowing not to repeat the mistakes that led to the stampede before last Spring’s Fowl Ball, The Park’s grooming houses have banded together to ensure that all clients are cared for as they prepare to attend The Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF).

“We want to assure our clients that they will be seen, no matter what. To that end, we will honour all appointments in the order in which they were made and all last-minutes will be seen, though they may have to wait a bit,” says Tallulah, owner of Tallulah’s Toilettage, the grooming house at which the Spring stampede occurred.

Tallulah confirmed that at a meeting held in late August, the owners of all The Park’s grooming houses voted in favour of establishing an ad hoc coalition to meet the needs of Park residents during the busy PIFF season. Last week, that coalition, which they call the Association of Registered Grooming Houses (ARGH), appointed nurse Hermione Hippo to triage the last-minute appointments, as well as to keep the groomers on schedule.

“It will require a military-like precision to ensure that all are groomed properly and Hermione is the best one to effect that,” says Tano Pagun, co-owner of The Pluming Room.

“I can’t imagine having to deal personally with fly-ins,” he says. “But we are committed to preventing the frustration that led to the Spring violence. In our view, once is too many [times]. We must learn from our mistakes.”

In addition to all their usual staff, the grooming houses will have a number of extra “paws and beaks on deck,” to assist because ARGH has drafted all members of the first graduating class of the School of Aesthetics.

“Even those who moved on to other careers will be using their knowledge and expertise in this field come early October,” Tallulah says.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

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