Month Without Metaphor (MWM) director Ronald Grouse announced yesterday that he won’t be issuing the usual “mid-term” report this year. Instead, he said, all statistics on the initiative will be published at the end of May.
WMPSAP shuts down Kuttu scheme to import weather for Agrarian Jubilee
BREAKING NEWS: Less than a week before the annual Anixi Agrarian Jubilee, the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park has averted what its leaders are calling a “disaster for the ages.”
At an emotional press conference this morning, WMPSAP president Kalliope Sun Bear revealed that early last week, she and the leader of another Park environmental group (whom she declined to name) were made aware of Chief Archon Klarissa Kuttu’s plan to import weather from outside The Park in time for the Jubilee.
“In so many ways, this would have been a disaster—environmentally, economically, and socially, ” Sun Bear said, as she recounted her initial shock and then outlined her now successful plan to stop the importation.
“With all due respect to the Chief Archon, she does not, in our opinion, have the expertise to make any kind of weather selection or purchase, especially in haste,” Sun Bear said. “We have no idea what kind of harm could come to us from the ingredients in that weather.”
Immediately after Sun Bear got wind of the scheme, she rallied members of The Park’s environmental groups, including Keep Your Paws Out of Our Ponds, the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers, Skunks Against Gunk, and Skunks Über Vehicles (SUV) and they made a surprise visit to Kuttu.
Although Sun Bear did not elaborate on what she called the “heated exchange” that followed the ambush, she said they made it clear to Kuttu that Park citizens would not stand for weather purchases made by the ill-informed.
“We don’t doubt that our Chief Archon had good intentions,” Sun Bear said, acknowledging that recent weather patterns made it look as if it would be too cold to enjoy the outdoor event fully. “But damage to The Park is not mitigated by good intent. And, in our opinion, the environment comes before the economy and before our enjoyment.”
MWM head takes on Park media for manipulating readers “like advertisers”
Ronald Grouse, the director of Park media’s Month Without Metaphor, has taken Park media to task over what he describes as the manipulation of their readership “in the style of advertisers.”
In a scathing editorial this morning, The Avian Messenger’s chief political analyst criticized Park publications, calling them “complicit with advertisers” in their descriptions of products, places, and events.
Grouse, who has only been at the helm of the media initiative for a month, singled out The Rodent Commoner for its recent article on the shortage of burrows in The Park.
“The use of terms that evoke emotion, such as ‘home,’ ‘hearth,’ ‘shelter,’ and the invocation of ‘family,’ is inexcusable in a publication that is supposed to be dedicated to presenting unembellished facts,” Grouse wrote.
The MWM director didn’t stop at The Rodent Commoner. Using examples from almost every Park newspaper, he demonstrated the manipulation that has come to be seen as the norm.
“News media are not in the business of pulling heartstrings,” he wrote, apologizing in the next sentence for the metaphor. “News media are in the business of presenting the facts as they are known or have come to be known. We are supposed to allow the readers to make their own judgments, based on our presentation. We are not supposed to lead them to feel anything.”
Grouse concluded his editorial by saying that he is deeply disturbed by the growing willingness of publications to shill for companies without thought to the consequences.
“You can be sure that we will take this up further at the Media Circus at the end of the month,” he wrote.
Month Without Metaphor director “revises and remakes” Park media circus
Five years after The Park’s first media circus, the new director of Month Without Metaphor is about to “revise and remake” the event for a different purpose.
In an announcement this morning, Ronald Grouse confirmed rumours of his recent talks with Rodolfo van de Gier, president of the Association of Media Outlets of The Park (AMOP), who was in charge of the 2011 event. Grouse’s announcement said the two have agreed to work together on a “new kind” of media circus that will have an “altogether different” purpose, but it offered scant details.
“We are planning to host a two-day event toward the end of the month that will have the full participation of Park media. We also extended an invitation to The Park’s literary community, including writers, publishing companies, and journal editors, as well as representatives of the University of West Terrier’s Cuthbert School of Journalism. Together, we are hoping to have a full and open discussion about the dissemination of information, the use of language and the responsibility of all those who are involved in communication,” the announcement said.
No exact times or locations were mentioned, nor whether the “fun and games,” such as playing reporter or hosting a mock interview, would be included in the new event.
Tricolore to open pop-up version of new “grassRoutes” resto at Mating Dance
With all that dancing and mingling and socializing, you can really work up an appetite at the Mating Dance.
But, this year, Tab Tricolore will come to the rescue.
In anticipation of his first annual Feral Roots Festival in July, the Celebrity chef, restaurateur, and author will open a pop-up version of his new restaurant (opening date as yet undetermined), grassRoutes.
Samples of the “all natural” fare were available this morning at a press gathering hosted by Tricolore and his former saucier, Barry “Béarnaise” Burmilla. While Tricolore walked through the crowd acting like a proud father, Burmilla expounded on each dish, discussing provenance, cooking techniques, presentation, and most important of all, flavours.
Since the permanent grassRoutes restaurant will feature naturally-sourced feral cuisine, Burmilla took pains to explain the meaning of the term, as well as the health benefits and financial rewards. He also offered these two important pieces of advice: Don’t buy anything that shouldn’t grow where you live or that is bigger than it should be. And don’t mess around with good natural ingredients.
“These are the only two rules to follow in feral cuisine,” he said. “And remember: food that is naturally grown and naturally-sourced is cheaper by half and three times as good for you.”
Despite his saucy nickname, Burmilla said he is just as “evangelical” about food as his former boss.
“Tab and I not only share a history, we share a passion for good, tasty, nutrition. Otherwise, we couldn’t work together,” he said.
Grooming houses “fully booked” for post-Toe-Hair Contest trimmings
Business is so good at The Park’s grooming houses that it’s almost overwhelming.
“We are fully booked for post-Toe-Hair Contest trimmings,” says Tallulah of Talulah’s Toilettage. “We’re even over-booked on our waiting list.”
Such is the state of grooming in The Park these days that both Tallulah and Amoltrud Poedel, owner and operator of Amoltrud’s Aesthetics, say they’re on the hunt for bigger premises.
“It’s not a matter of hiring anymore; it’s a matter of where would you put more staff and customers?” says Poedel, who along with Tallulah and the owners of The Mane Event, The Pluming Room, and En Garde Hair and Skin Salon, founded the Park School of Aesthetics in 2014 in order to deal with a shortage of grooming staff in The Park.
Now, a few years later, they have a constant stream of new talent to add to their roster. But with The Park’s population growing steadily and fewer Animals doing their own grooming, many of the Big Five, as they like to call themselves, have outgrown their homes.
“It’s a good problem to have, but it’s a problem nonetheless,” says The Mane Event’s head coiffeur Marlene Bärin.
Bärin credits the growth in the number of Park events for the surge in business, but she also thinks they should be spread out more.
“I don’t envy my friends at The Pluming Room,” she says. “They’ve been booked up for the Mating Dance and the Fowl Ball since February.”
Tano Pagun, The Pluming Room’s co-owner, confirms that fact but, like Bärin, says it’s the right problem to have.
“We won’t get any sleep until June, but we’ll enjoy it all the more,” she laughs.
Ronald Grouse declares war on Metaphor, Hyperbole, and Manipulation
Ronald Grouse has declared war. But we’ll only be able to print that until Monday.
Just a few days before the start of Park media’s Month Without Metaphor (MWM), The Avian Messenger’s chief political analyst and newly-elected MWM director held a press conference this morning in which he himself used the war metaphor. And many more.
“It’s time we declared war on some of the tools that media use,” he said. “We need to communicate better and more effectively. We need straight talk: just the facts, no hyperbole. And we need to stop manipulating our readers. Our job is to inform, not to perform,” he said.
Grouse, who has in the past criticized the direction in which Park media appeared to be headed, said he is looking forward to May’s event.
“I look forward to steering Month Without Metaphor toward success,” he said. “The challenges we face as Park citizens are serious ones that require us to be clear-eyed and open-minded. I hope to be able to engage the hearts and minds of readers and listeners and build momentum toward creating a more honest and open media that will help with the problems we face.”
Former PFO head Milton Struts to be a guest on Yannis Tavros show this week
Milton Struts, the disgraced former head of the Park Finance Office, will be a guest on the Yannis Tavros show on Thursday, according to a press release issued today by Toro Talk Radio.
The radio station said Struts, who recently returned to The Park after an extended stay in the land of his ancestors, will discuss the budgets of ousted PFO head Valentina Abeja, as well as other economic and social issues facing The Park.
Struts, who oversaw the PFO and served as budget chief for almost a decade, was relieved of his duties in 2014 after a series of scandals involving his relationship with Humans.
The gossip web site headsNtales claims Struts has met with Chief Archon Klarissa Kuttu to discuss returning to his old job. But after the site posted a picture of his newly-refurbished abode under the headline, “He’s baaaack!” Struts issued a statement denying the rumours, saying he had “non-governmental” plans for the next few years.
Chitter Radio Literary Awards adds new category for 2017: speeches
The Chitter Radio Literary Awards (CRLA) has added a new category to its already sizeable list of honours: speeches.
In a short communiqué issued this morning, CRLA director Guadalupe Tucán cited the need to expand the term, “literary,” and to continue to acknowledge the artistic elements of non-fiction as her reasons for adding the category.
“We need to continue to broaden our horizons and reward those artists whose work may not fit easily into the established categories,” the communiqué said.
Tucán, who has been CRLA director since 2015, began taking the awards in a different direction last year, when she allowed celebrity chef Tab Tricolore to serve his “Liberation Libation” to attendees. Though it was a controversial move, it illustrated what many call Tucán’s “sense of the bigger picture.”
“I’ve known Guadalupe for years and I know what she’s thinking when she does things like that,” said a longtime friend. “She believes that art and even literariness can be found as much in the mundane as in grand canvasses or great books. So, I’m not surprised by anything she does.”
Tucán said the category expansion is not expected to add more than a few minutes to the evening, which will be broadcast live on AVN Television.
The Chitter Radio Literary Awards take place June 15. Nominations will be announced in mid-May.
It’s official: Abeja is out, search is on for new PFO head
BREAKING NEWS
Valentina Abeja has left the PFO building.
Or at least, she’ll be gone by April 30.
In a short statement this afternoon, the Park Finance Office confirmed the rumours of the past few weeks:
“The Park Finance Office wishes to inform all Park citizens that PFO head Valentina Abeja will be leaving her post as of April 30 of this year. We thank her for her work and for the integrity with which she oversaw the PFO and two Park budgets and we wish her all the best in her future endeavours.”
The PFO also confirmed that it has initiated a search for a new head and budget chief.
Abeja was appointed in February of 2015, after Milton Struts was unceremoniously relieved of his duties after a series of scandals involving Humans. She moved swiftly to unite the PFO and to prepare budgets that reflected the needs and concerns of Park citizens. According to an August 2016 poll by The Cosmopolitan Pest, Abeja is extremely well-liked and trusted and most Park citizens were hoping that she would continue to head the PFO.
“She may be the best-liked and best-respected PFO head The Park has ever had,” Inès Puceron, the magazine’s editor, said last week. “But her ideas do not reflect those of the present Chief Archon.”
