The Mammalian Daily

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Archons urged to reveal modernization plan before budget

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New budget

The 2013 Archons are under pressure to reveal the details of their “modernization” plan before the release of the 2014 budget by The Park Finance Office

The 2013 Archons are facing increasing pressure from the public to declare the details of their modernization plan before The Park Finance Office releases its 2014 budget later this month.

Following rumoured changes to The Park’s immigration policy, several of The Park’s citizen aid and action associations joined forces to mount a united response to any measures the Archons intended to implement.

Despite reassurances that “nothing drastic” is in the works, the ad hoc group has been pressuring the Archons for weeks to disclose details of any changes they plan to make to The Park’s core laws, [pullquote]“If the budget is being adjusted to accommodate changes we don’t agree with, we want to know before the numbers are set in stone.”
– Killeen Echidna, President of The Monotreme Alliance[/pullquote]including those regarding immigration, citizenship, freedom of assembly, freedom of expression, and food cultivation.

“It’s bad enough that any announcement at all will come this late, when so many of our compatriots are already estivating and unable to voice their opinion,” says Malinda L. Hamster, President of the Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC). Her group is among those that have joined the ad hoc association.

“Or was that their intent all along?” asked Killeen Echidna, President of The Monotreme Alliance, on Toro Talk Radio last week.

For their part, the Archons “believe they have done their best to reassure Animals that any changes will be implemented slowly, in a step-by-step fashion,” said their press secretary Balthasar Alouatta. He declined to be specific about what “any changes” might mean, but was eager to remind Park citizens of the “orderly way in which calendar harmonization was achieved.”

That may well be true, but groups such as the SAHC and The Monotreme Alliance are more concerned about funding allocation than about whose calendar is used in The Park.

“If the budget is being adjusted to accommodate changes we don’t agree with, we want to know before the numbers are set in stone,” said Echidna.

Park Finance Officer Milton Struts is expected to release the 2014 Park Budget at the end of July.

Park proclaims June to be “Enforced Domestication Awareness Month”

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The 2013 Archons have proclaimed this June as the first Enforced Domestication Awareness month.

Displaying what some have called a “take charge attitude,” the 2013 Archons have proclaimed June the first annual “Enforced Domestication Awareness” month in The Park.

At a press conference held this morning outside the law courts, Chief Archon Dewi Rhinoceros made the announcement. Flanked by all 34 Archons, the Rhinoceros spoke on behalf of her colleagues:

“In declaring this coming month of June the first annual Enforced Domestication Awareness Month, we are finally acknowledging the dangers of enforced domestication and committing to a strategy to overcome those dangers. This proclamation, dated 30 May 2013, signals our willingness to meet head-on one of the greatest challenges The Park has ever faced. Due to the economic downturn, we have lost many of our best and brightest to the outside world. The Park cannot afford such a brain drain. We must work toward solving our economic problems so that there exists no need to look beyond our borders for survival. And, with this awareness campaign, we hope to inform and educate Park citizens and residents about the reality of enforced domestication, so that they will be able to resist the temptation to engage with those who might tempt them to sacrifice their freedom,” she said.

While experts in the field stop short of calling the problem “Animalnapping,” the official definition of enforced domestication was broadened last year to include “enticement.” This expands the original definition of “the physical removal of Animals from The Park, without their consent, for the purpose of using them for service or companionship in a domestic situation.” According to The Park’s Departments of Statistics and Records and Well-Being and Safety, ninety-nine per cent of enforced domestications are committed by Humans.

Planned events in support of Enforced Domestication Awareness Month include workshops, a series of public service announcements that will be broadcast on all Park television and radio stations and screenings of short films about the topic. As well, the Chief Archon advised that during the month of June an information booth staffed by workers from  Runaway Rovers will be installed beside the Ancient Oak Tree. The group, which provides assistance to formerly domestic Canines, has published a series of educational brochures entitled, “Enforced Domestication: It Could Happen to You.”  These will be distributed free of charge throughout June.

Transport problems caused Spring’s tardy arrival: PWO

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The Park Weather Office has blamed transport difficulties for the unseasonably low temperatures this Spring’s tardy arrival

The Park Weather Office finally has offered a response to Animals’ complaints about the delay in the arrival of Spring weather this year. But it’s not an explanation that is satisfying to many.

In the statement released yesterday, the PWO says that transport difficulties were responsible for Spring’s tardiness.

The statement, which was issued to all media, read in part:

“We would like to inform Park Animals that, after a lengthy investigation, The Park Weather Office has concluded that transport difficulties were the cause of the tardy arrival of Spring weather this year.”

The statement went on to say that the PWO “will do everything in its power to ensure that this situation does not reoccur.”

Although the statement may have been issued in an attempt to placate an angry public, it appears to have done just the opposite.

“It’s no surprise that the PWO is blaming someone else,” says Kalliope Sun Bear, president of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP), whose members have alleged that they are being shut out of the weather-purchasing process by The Park Finance Office’s commitment to cost-cutting.

“It has consistently refused to take responsibility for its bad decisions and this is just one more example of that,” she says.

Those bad decisions, according to Sun Bear, include purchasing cheap weather and weather that is produced outside the Park.

“The PWO says that, due to budget cuts, it has been forced to look elsewhere for better weather prices. It has totally ignored the fact that The Park produces some of the best weather that can be had. Even if it is slightly more expensive in the short run, it would save The Park a substantial amount in the long run, as we wouldn’t have to import as much food as we have been doing the last few years,” Sun Bear says.

For its part, the PWO says that it is reviewing its purchasing policies and will submit the results of that review in time for the new budget, which is due in mid-July.

See also:

Park weathermakers fume over losses to outside bidders
DWBS shuts down Otter Slide following tragic accident
Otter Slide in jeopardy as victim released from hospital
Park Weather Office blasts budget, proposes radical change
Evidence presented at Mongoose trial sparks criticism of Park weather practices

Excuse me, Meister…I have a job for you!

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GuckMeisters! Come out, come out, wherever you are! Chuck the Guck Man needs you for his growing Park business and he’d be pleased to offer you a job

Here’s the scoop, straight from the mouth of Chuck the Guck Man: Guck is back and it’s bigger than ever!

The only problem is, there’s not much of it available at the moment.

“It’s not often that a businessman asks you not to order his products, but that’s what I’ve been forced to do,” says Chuck, the owner of The Park’s oldest and most prestigious Guck business.

“We’re experiencing a shortage. We’re back-ordered to the end of the Summer and the rest of the year doesn’t look any better. So, please, if you can, hold off until things get better.”

It’s not clear when that better time will be, though, because the shortage isn’t caused by a lack of materials.

“It’s a lack of employees…or, more specifically, a lack of skilled employees…GuckMeisters, to be precise,” Chuck says. And his friend, Stan the Spitman, says the same.

“I’ve been looking for a SpitMeister for over a year,” says Stan.

It’s been a long time since anyone complained of Guck being in short supply, so it’s not surprising that Animals have taken to acquiring skills other than Guckmaking. Chuck understands this.

“In the old days, it was a viable occupation. Everybody used it, so you had a stable customer base. And Guck is in my blood. My father, my grandfather, and my great grandfather were Guck men. It was the family business and I wouldn’t have considered any other occupation. But only a few of my young have joined me here. The rest of them have chosen other fields,” he says.

Guck, which is an acronym of Glutinous Unctuous Coagulated Knots, is a specially-formulated item that Animals have used for centuries to hydrate their eyes. Skilled workers are essential to proper production, because each Guck solution is made to the specifications of the customer. No two Guck solutions are the same.

“Like snowflakes, only stickier,” jokes Chuck.

While their ancestors formulated the solutions in their home laboratories, Chuck and his brothers decided to expand the business beyond their homes. Fifteen years ago, they opened three freestanding laboratories that fulfilled orders from within The Park and beyond.

“It was a thriving business then, and we were at the top. But about eight years ago, sales plummeted. Other types of hydration had been invented and Animals were no longer that concerned about ocular hydration,” he says.

But all that changed a couple of years ago.

“New health studies at the University of West Terrier  and evidence from The Park Hospital confirmed our own suspicions…that ocular dehydration had become a serious health concern in The Park. Animals are heeding the warnings, now, and they want the real thing, made for them alone. So, our business is booming. Well, beyond booming,” he says.

But will all of this new business, fuelled by the health crisis and new generations of customers coming onstream every day, turn that boom into a bust? Chuck says that worry doesn’t keep him up at night.

“We’ve ramped up production and we’re confident we’ll be able to hire a few more GuckMeisters before the year is out, even if we have to set up our own school and train them, ourselves.”

“We’re looking to a time when there isn’t a dry eye in The Park,” he says, smiling.

See also:

Guck prices to rise

Funding cuts, ignorance threaten Barkettes’ legacy: CMA

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Canine Music Association

The Canine Music Association has accused The Park Finance Office of threatening the legacy of The Barkettes by underfunding cultural endeavours

The Canine Music Association is pulling no punches in its most recent criticism of The Park’s underfunding of cultural endeavours.

In the latest issue of its newsletter, which is sent to CMA members and affiliates, the Association voiced its strongest attack yet on The Park’s Finance Office (PFO) and its policies. Calling PFO officials “incompetent and ignorant,” the Association stopped just short of accusing the PFO of corruption.

“We’re howling mad about this,” said CMA president, R.F. Aarrf, in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning.

“It seems as though the PFO and related departments, such as Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, only care about Park culture when it can hire it for a day or two as entertainment. Other than that, they provide very little support for educating our young about The Park’s cultural heritage,” he said.

Aarrf went on to discuss the results of a recent survey conducted by the CMA.

“One out of four Animals in The Park under the age of 20 has no idea of The Barkettes’ role in breaking the species barrier,” he said. “One or two more generations of Animals who are not taught about this…that’s all it takes to wipe out their [The Barkettes’] legacy completely and kill what we’ve all worked so hard for.”

Aarrf says he’s sounding the alarm now lest Park Animals become so complacent that they lose everything their ancestors fought for.

“If we lose sight of our hard-won accomplishments, it won’t take very long for us to discover that we have to do it all over again. And, next time, the world may not be so accommodating,” he says.

See also:

History and Legacy of The Barkettes
Canine Music Association announces award

“Job fair” a scam approved by 2012 Archons: report

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An undercover investigation by reporters working for The Mammalian Daily has exposed an ugly truth about The Park’s upcoming “job fair.”

According to a report filed by the TMD undercover team, the 2012 Archons signed off on a plan to allow a group of Humans to take over The Park one weekend this Spring for the purpose of recruiting Animals to fill jobs outside The Park.

The job fair, which was aggressively advertised to Park Animals as an opportunity for them to gain better access to gainful employment, is in reality an “adoption event,” according to the results of the reporters’ investigation. Adoption events, which are illegal in The Park, are gatherings organized by Humans for the purpose of capturing Animals and taking them to live in homes outside The Park. These events are associated with enforced domesticity and confinement and, as a result, very few of these captured Animals are ever able to return to their homes and families.

“This is a travesty,” said Dr. Anneliese Cissa, head of the Livingstone School of Economics and Social Science at the University of West Terrier.

In an interview held at her office at the university, Dr. Cissa said the job fair must not be allowed to go on or “all the gains we’ve made as Animals…self-rule and zoocracy…will be undermined.”

“This is exactly the kind of thing that we all knew might happen if we didn’t deal with our sluggish economy in a timely fashion,” she said. “But what we didn’t know was that our own Archons would be the ones to bring us down.”

Dr. Cissa, who is the author of a controversial 2012 report on state of The Park’s economy, was openly critical of the Archons (both 2012 and 2013).

“This is a clear indication that the Archons have been derelict in their duties,” she said.  “It is the responsibility of The Park’s governing body to encourage an atmosphere in which there is adequate opportunity for employment. By transferring their responsibilities to Humans outside The Park, they are doing an injustice to our citizenry. We must take action against this before it is too late,” she said.

The 2013 Archons have thus far made no comment on the job fair.

See also:

Economy forces Animals to work as “domestics” outside Park
Archons, PFO blasted over Human Direct Investment in Park

Park’s weathermakers fume over losses to outside bidders

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The Park’s weathermakers say they may file suit against The Park Finance Office (PFO) and The Park Weather Office (PWO) for shutting them out of the weather-purchasing process.

The Park’s weathermakers are threatening to file suit against both The Park Finance Office (PFO) and The Park Weather Office (PWO), alleging that they are being shut out of the weather-purchasing process by the PFO’s commitment to cost-cutting.

In a statement released today, Kalliope Sun Bear, president of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP), said her group has been on a losing streak for the past few years in terms of supplying The Park’s weather.

“The PWO says that, due to budget cuts, it has been forced to look elsewhere for better weather prices. It has totally ignored the fact that The Park produces some of the best weather that can be had. Even if it is slightly more expensive in the short run, it would save The Park a substantial amount in the long run, as we wouldn’t have to import as much food as we have been doing lately,” Sun Bear said.

The WMPSAP president says her group has the support of the majority of Park businesses, especially grocers and caterers. In fact, some business owners such as Beatrice T. Orang of Provisions by Petrounel have been sounding the alarm for a while, now.

“We [in the food business] have see the result of their faulty decision-making in our reduced harvests and our need to buy an ever-increasing amount of goods from outside The Park. It’s a slippery slope we find ourselves on and continuing down it could lead to The Park losing its independence,” Orang says.

SpokesAnimals for The Park Finance Office and The Park Weather Office said they have no comment on the issue at this time.

See also:
Park weather office blasts budget, proposes radical change
Evidence presented at Mongoose trial sparks criticism of Park weather practices

Otter Ice Slide in jeopardy as victim released from hospital

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Boldizsar Vidra, who suffered a tragic accident on the Otter Ice Slide in January, was released from hospital March 1.

The future of the Otter Ice Slide hangs in the balance, as representatives of The Park Weather Office meet tomorrow with the 2013 Archons, Park Finance Officers, and officials from the Department of Well-Being and Safety to discuss the coming year’s budget and planned allocations for weather purchases.

The special meeting will occur just four days after the release from hospital of Boldizsar Vidra, whose tragic accident on the Ice Slide in early January forced the shutdown of that recreational facility for the remainder of the season.

Vidra faces a long convalescence but is expected to make a full recovery, according to a statement released by the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm. But the Ice Slide may never be deemed safe to reopen, after a DWBS investigation found that weather conditions in The Park for the past few Winters have failed to meet the standards for maintaining natural ice surfaces.

“The past few years have seen increasingly warm temperatures in The Park, which we believe are due to budget cutbacks and the misallocation of funds. These funds, which should be going to purchase weather, are being used instead for celebrations and other frivolous things,” said a spokesAnimal for the PWO. “If the Park Finance Office doesn’t get its priorities straight, the residents of The Park will end up paying dearly for their [the PFO’s] mistakes,” the spokesAnimal said.

Winter weather has become increasingly expensive, experts believe, because there is much less of it available now.

“In the old days, it was the cheapest weather we could buy and we bought lots of it,” said the PWO spokesAnimal. “We had some Winters that lasted from October to May. But the price has become prohibitive and the PFO has become stingier and we see the results of that — not just our poor Otter or the loss of our popular Ice Slide, but the rise in deaths from premature awakening, food shortages due to drought, and the increase in domicile destruction,” the spokesAnimal said.

Tomorrow’s meeting will be a historic one, as it marks the first time the Park Finance Office has agreed to sit down with the Park Weather Office to discuss funding decisions. The results of the meeting may not be made public until July, however, when the PFO releases its annual budget.

See also: Park weather office blasts budget, proposes radical change

Founding Families, Petrounel pull ads from Toro Talk Radio

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The Founding Families Financial Corporation has pulled its advertisements from Toro Talk Radio in response to remarks made on February 12 by the station’s talk show host, Yannis Tavros.

In an announcement dated today, The Park’s oldest and largest bank said it “could not in good conscience support the radio station given the nature of the remarks made by one in its employ.”

As its name suggests, Founding Families Financial Corporation was established by a number of The Park’s original families. These include Groundhogs, Ground Squirrels, Arachnids, Hedgehogs, Beavers, Wasps, Polar Bears, Cattle and Bees, among others. Many of these families are members of The Park’s hibernating communities and some have suggested that this may have been a factor in the bank’s decision.

In an interview on Chitter Radio this morning, Rodolfo van de Gier, President of the Association of Media Outlets of The Park (AMOP) said he thought it was “far from a coincidence that the bank’s announcement came today, [since it is ] the official end of the hibernation period.”

“Not only do some members of its Board of Directors come from our hibernating communities, but a great number of its clients do, as well. They can’t be seen to be supporting a station that appears anti-hibernator,” he said.

He also believes this is the main reason that Provisions by Petrounel pulled its ads from Toro Talk Radio.

“They’re grocers and caterers and they serve all species, but it’s been estimated that a good 40 per cent or more of their business is post-hibernation. How could they afford not to pull their ads after Tavros insulted a pair of very well-known and well-loved hibernators?” he said.

As of this afternoon, Toro Talk Radio had not responded to the companies’ announcements.

Funding boost a wake-up call for Groundhog Day organizer

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A funding boost for this year’s Groundhog Day celebrations came as a welcome surprise to the festival’s chief organizer, Wyatt Whistlepig, Jr.

What a difference a few years can make.

“I’m the envy of everyone today,” says a sleepy but delighted Wyatt Whistlepig, Jr., chief organizer of The Park’s Groundhog Day celebrations.

Less than a week before one of the biggest events in The Park’s calendar, The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations roused Whistlepig from the depths of hibernation to tell him he was the beneficiary of some last minute accounting.

“It’s a windfall — a small fortune — for us here,” says Whistlepig. “And we really need it. The last few years have been very difficult for us,” he says.

While three straight years of budget cuts have sent Whistlepig scrambling to find inexpensive ways to do right by the important holiday, this year’s boost in funding means he now has a lot more leeway, financially speaking. But, not a lot more time.

“These events are planned well in advance and making last minute changes isn’t easy,” Whistlepig says.

In the space of a few days, he will have to order more food and more decorations. And, even more importantly, he says, he’d like to hire more musicians and other performers.

“In many ways, they’re the lifeblood of the festival,” he says.

Whistlepig, who has been organizing The Park’s Groundhog Day celebrations for the past ten years, says he’s never grown tired of the work nor cynical about the event.

“This holiday is a major Park occasion. It signals the coming of Spring, the renewal of life, the hope of the future. It’s not just about a prediction; it’s about a certainty — the certainty that we have survived, and that we will thrive, no matter what we face,” Whistlepig proclaims.

And, as he is every year, Whistlepig is determined to make it a memorable event for all Park Animals.

“This is not a celebration to miss,” he says. “It is a very important part of The Park’s social season, and it speaks to our sense of ourselves as Park citizens. No one should miss it.”

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