The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Groundhog Day roundup: Record turnout, new budget in the works

By

Walmond Murmeltier

2015 POPS Walmond Murmeltier emerges from his burrow on February 2

It was a groundbreaking celebration, in more ways than one. Here are a few tidbits to round up the day:

  • According to the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, this year’s official Groundhog Day event was the best attended in Park history. A record number of Animals, ranging in age from newborn Bears to some of our oldest reptile citizens, graced us with their presence
  • For the first time in over a decade, ill health kept chief organizer Wyatt Whistlepig, Jr. from the celebrations. In his stead, Oscar Woodchuck did a fine job
  • Eight different food providers staffed the food stations
  • This was the first Groundhog Day celebration that included a dance choreographed specifically for the event by Herman Stoat
  • For the first time in the history of the event, a short play was performed by the Working Wounded Performing Arts Company
  • The Archons’ Address lasted 17 minutes and included a tribute to Jor, the founder of zoocracy
  • The 2015 Archons promised to bring in a budget in the first two months of their tenure and to make the issue of inequality among the species a priority
  • The Park’s Early Risers hosted their own after-party and Animals partied into the late morning hours of February 3
  • Twenty-one injuries were reported as a result of the celebration. Four Animals were taken to hospital and seventeen were treated on-site

Yannis Tavros to host fourth annual “Pundits’ Parlour” on Tuesday

By

YannisTavros For the fourth year in a row, Yannis Tavros will host his “Pundits’ Parlour” on Tuesday, February 3.

Toro Talk Radio programming director Manfred Stier confirmed today that The Park’s best known political pundits will again express their views on our incoming government on Tavros’s popular show.

“Yannis [Tavros] will once again relinquish his usual talk show format to moderate what has become a very popular annual forum,” Stier said.

This year’s guests include Magnus P. Marmoset, who holds the Simian Chair in Political Philosophy at the University of West Terrier, historian and author Pieter Paard, Professor Ludwiga Saimiri of the Cuthbert School of Journalism, UWT Law Professor Fionnula L. Fox, Park Historical Society President Clark Cascanueces, UWT Professor of History Beatrice Zilonis, and Gertrude C. Owl, Mammalian Daily senior political correspondent and Dean of UWT’s Cuthbert School of Journalism. Also invited back are Ronald Grouse, chief political analyst at The Avian Messenger, Yuri Sturgeon of The Kaluga Register, Camlin “Cayuga” Newt of The Salamander Evening Post, and Noreen, Mammalian Daily advice columnist and UWT adjunct Professor of Human Studies.

Tavros also reached out to beleaguered Rodent Commoner reporter Gunnar Rotte to join the group, Stier said, but thus far has had no response. Rotte has agreed to speak about his recent experiences on Tavros’s show, but no date has yet been set.

Gunnar Rotte: We are very sorry

By

SorryDear Gunnar Espen Rotte:

After the backlash of the past weeks, our editors have had to look deep into their hearts, and in a number of areas, they’ve found themselves wanting.

Two weeks ago, we published a photo of you holding two pies that you bought at a bakery outside The Park. The article we published was about your claim that you’d been assaulted during the course of purchasing the pies. Alongside the article, we ran a photo of you holding the pies.

As you and your supporters have pointed out to us for the past ten days, we made a grievous error when we chose the photo. Although it was never our intention to do so, when we used that photograph, we made you look like a happy pie thief rather than as a customer who had suffered maltreatment.

We were wrong. Now, we would like to make it right.

Please accept our sincere apology. We should have given more time and thought to our choice of image. It was a hasty decision made by editors who work on a strict deadline, but that is neither a reason nor an excuse.

The Mammalian Daily takes its rôle seriously. Our duty is to present — and to represent — the story accurately. On this occasion, however, we failed to do the latter and that failure caused harm to you. We are very sorry.

In the next few weeks, we will be holding a series of meetings with our reporting and editorial staff to discuss the ways in which we can avoid repeating this mistake. We would like to take this opportunity to invite you to join us and to help us understand better the position of those whose stories we tell in our newspaper.

But, for now, we hope you will accept our sincere apology.

Sincerely,
Orphea Haas
Managing Editor
The Mammalian Daily

Nesthetics remains mum on prognostication pad design

By

Groundhog Day celebrationsNesthetics, the company that won the contract to design and construct the prognostication pad for the 2015 Groundhog Day celebrations, is staying mum about the details of its new product.

A short statement released this morning said that “at this time” the company does not wish to disclose any details regarding the pad:

Due to the importance of the occasion and the great responsibility that we have undertaken, we feel it would be inappropriate at this time to discuss any of the aspects related to the construction of the 2015 prognostication pad.

We are confident that upon unveiling the pad on February 2, the Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), the Archons, and all Park citizens will be pleased with its design and function.

We look forward to celebrating Groundhog Day with our fellow Park residents.

Meanwhile, gossip site headsNtales has posted what it claims is a verified photograph of the prototype of the 2015 prognostication pad. The photograph shows an oval green mound that has a border of small yellow flowers.

Nesthetics has refused to comment on the site’s photograph.

Without even a budget, what will be the legacy of our 2014 government?

By

2014 ArchonsA failed budget, citizen unrest, poverty, threats to safety, interspecial tension …

The list of The Park’s problems is long but the shorter one, it appears, is that of the accomplishments of the 2014 Archons.

“Things looked so promising … with [Chief Archon] Buckminster Moose and his take-charge attitude. We thought he could really set The Park straight,” said Ronald Grouse, chief political analyst at The Avian Messenger during an interview on CLucK Radio yesterday.

“But then he disappeared. He faded into the background and all The Park’s problems came to the fore. I think it’s safe to say that we’ve had no actual leaders this year.”

Grouse isn’t the only one who feels this way. The results of a survey conducted last month by the Livingstone School of Economics and Social Science at the University of West Terrier indicate that Park Animals are even more disillusioned by the 2014 government than they were by the government of 2013.

“Last year, respondents were disappointed. This year, it appears, they are also angry,” says Dr. Anneliese Cissa, the Livingstone School’s head.

“They feel The Park is stagnating and even more, that perhaps zoocracy isn’t working. And there is a surprising amount of support for a change in the way we choose governments,” she says.

While Dr. Cissa stopped short of criticizing sortition (the current method of selecting a government), she did say she thought Park Animals might be ready for a “free and full” discussion of other options.

Meanwhile, all 35 of the 2014 Archons are in seclusion for the next few days, awaiting the announcement of the names of their successors and, possibly, re-fashioning their legacy while there is still time.

Lawsuit brought by Simply Structures may “have legs,” says legal expert

By

jgroundhogdayThe lawsuit filed by Simply Structures against the Park Archons and the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations may “have legs,” according to Delwyn Terrier, founding partner of Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd.

The suit was launched in November after the construction firm lost its bid to build the prognostication pad for the 2015 Groundhog Day celebrations. Simply Structures has supplied the materials, design, and construction of the pad for over ten years, but it lost the 2015 bid to Nesthetics, a relative newcomer.

At the time of the announcement in mid-October, the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations issued a brief statement in which it said it had been impressed by the Nesthetics bid and by the foresight the company had demonstrated with regard to the sturdiness of materials and design.

Among other things, Simply Structures alleges in its lawsuit that the words “sturdiness” and “foresight” are implied criticisms of their company in general and of the 2014 prognostication pad, in particular.

According to its representatives at the law firm founded by Ingmar Prärievarg, Simply Structures believes that it lost the 2015 bid due to the so-called “shadow controversy” of 2014. The controversy occurred when a group of spectators, frustrated by the prospect of having to endure another six weeks of Winter, claimed that the shadow the POPS saw was not her own, but one that appeared as a result of a fault in the prognostication pad.

Despite the fact that a team of shadow experts ruled that it was the POPS’s own shadow and no fault was ever found in the prognostication pad, the impression of liability has lingered. Now, the company is taking action against it.

“Negative impressions stick in our minds. They linger long after they’ve been disproven. That gives great power to innuendo and gossip. In this case, it’s a question of whether or not they can prove those words defame their company. If they can, that will go a long way toward effecting change with regard to how Park law deals with the issue of defamation,” says Terrier.

The case is scheduled to go to trial before Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon in late Spring.

He’s baaaack! Leaner and “mellower” Tab Tricolore returns to The Park

By

Tab TricoloreRenowned chef, restaurateur, and award-winning author Tab Tricolore has returned to The Park and is back at work, says the manager of Tricolore’s fine dining restaurant, Klo.

“He’s been scooting around the kitchen here for a few days now and we’re already starting to get sick of him,” joked manager Léopard Mirepoix in a radio interview this morning.

Tricolore, himself, has not spoken to the media and, according to Mirepoix, has not mentioned his absence at all.

“It’s as if he was never gone, though he has acknowledged the tremendous support of Park residents. He said he found it overwhelming and intends to thank everyone formally in the coming weeks.”

Mirepoix said he’s found Tricolore “mellower” since his return.

“He has definitely mellowed out. You can see it in his face. Before, the stripes on his face were zig-zagged; he was always in a hurry, always suffering from stress. Now, [the stripes] they’re straight … he has a smile on his face. And he’s lost a bit of weight. I don’t know whether that’s because he wasn’t fed or what. Only he can tell us. But he isn’t in distress; if anything, he’s happier than before.”

Tricolore’s former saucier, Barry “Béarnaise” Burmilla says he’s not surprised that Tricolore is back at work.

“Food is his first love. I think, in many ways, it is his only love. And it would be his comfort, no matter what. Whether he’s sadder or happier, food is where he would go first. I’m glad he’s come back,” says Burmilla.

Park Museum bows to pressure, delays official opening until after hibernation

By

Park MuseumThe Park Museum will celebrate its official opening in March rather than as previously stated in January, it was announced on Sunday.

In a short communiqué posted on its web site, the museum’s Board of Governors confirmed the official opening date of 1 March 2015.

No mention was made of any previous opening day announcements, nor was any reason given for the change. There is, however,  a record of a series of meetings that were held in late October between the museum’s Board of Governors and a number of organizations representing The Park’s hibernating communities. Many believe those meetings resulted in the later opening date.

“Yes, we did meet with them and they were very sympathetic to our situation, though they weren’t able to give us an answer immediately,” says Tarquinius P. Shrew, president of the Small Animal Scientific Community (SASC), many of whose members are hibernators.

“Our members have contributed greatly to scientific knowledge in The Park and they [the board of Governors] did seem to understand that opening the museum without our representation seemed unfair.”

Shrew says the meetings were also attended by representatives of the Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC) and the Confederation of Ground Squirrels (CGS).

In an interview this morning, Eduarda Teresinha Coelho, 2015 Keeper of the Nut, said she is “so pleased” that the museum re-thought its opening date.

“I think they were so focussed on not having another delay that they didn’t realize what they’d done initially,” she said.

“But they’ve demonstrated their commitment to inclusiveness and that will be much appreciated by the hibernators. It will make the museum truly ‘Our Museum,’ as the slogan says.”

Read the Park Museum’s announcement.

SplotchWatch web site a dangerous sign of the times, say Park Police

By

SplotchWatch

Web site names those who have had spots or stripes removed

A new web site could mean trouble for Park Animals and, ultimately, for zoocracy itself, Park Police tell The Mammalian Daily.

The web site, called “SplotchWatch,” has been under surveillance “for a few months now,” according to Chief Inspector Maurice Addax of The Park Police Force’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU).

“Its only purpose, as far as we can tell, is to name Animals who have had their spots or stripes removed,” he says. “It’s a dangerous sign of the times.”

The owner and operator of the site, whose name police will not reveal at this time, believes it is in the interest of “openness and honesty” to let Park Animals know who among them has altered their appearance.

“The owner of the site seems to believe that there is something intrinsically dishonest about that [stripe or spot removal] and his mission is to ensure that all Park Animals are made aware of this form of deception,” Addax says.

Police will continue to watch activity on the site and assess the effect it may or may not be having on Park life.

“If we see that the site is inducing hatred or violence toward any Animal or group of Animals, we will move in swiftly,” he says.

Otherwise, the operator of the web site is acting within his rights.

“He [the site’s owner] is walking a fine line here,” says Addax. “And we hope he realizes it.”

With or without him, Tricolore’s resto to serve food at Winter Celebration

By

Tab Tricolore

The celebration will go on, with or without Tab Tricolore

The celebration must go on, they say. So, with or without their boss, Tab Tricolore’s restaurant will be serving food at the Celebration of the Winter Solstice on December 21.

In a statement released this morning, Aintza Kanariar, public relations director of The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals and Celebrations confirmed that Tricolore’s family restaurant, Clowder, will be among the establishments providing the celebration’s festive fare.

“We checked with Clowder’s manager and he says all systems are go,” Kanariar said when asked to elaborate on the subject in a radio interview this afternoon.

“I think we all feel that it’s what Tab would want,” she said.

In an article published yesterday in The Silvestris Star, Tricolore’s former saucier Barry “Béarnaise” Burmilla said all Tricolore’s staff members were “pulling together” to make sure the restaurants ran smoothly in their boss’s absence.

“We miss him and we need him, and we want to make sure that there are no problems for him when he finally returns,” Burmilla said.

In the meantime, Park Police say they have no news on Tricolore’s whereabouts.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

September 2026
M T W T F S S
 123456
78910111213
14151617181920
21222324252627
282930