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Archons plan to halt economic growth: think tank report

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An independent think tank claims in a report that the 2013 Archons plan to halt the growth of The Park’s economy

The report of a Park think tank says the 2013 Archons plan to adopt policies that will halt the growth of The Park’s economy.

According to the Council of Independent Economic Advisors (CIEA), an independent think tank that is headquartered in The Park, the Archons, who have been in office only ten days, plan to reduce The Park’s economic expansion by discouraging the business community from increasing its footprint.

“Due to the political and economic philosophies of the overwhelming majority of the 2013 Archons, The Park’s economy will see little or no growth in the coming year, as businesses will be discouraged from expanding and extra-hortulanial trade (trade that occurs outside The Park) will be curtailed,” the report concludes.

Those who have read the report, which has not been released formally, say the CIEA is “overreaching” and has drawn conclusions based solely on the attitudes and opinions expressed by certain Archons before they were appointed on January 16, 2013.

“It is not clear from the report whether they [think tank members] are talking about intent or result,” said Dr. Anneliese Cissa, head of the Livingstone School of Economics and Social Science at the University of West Terrier during a panel discussion on Mammalian Daily Radio.

“Do they believe the Archons’ actions, driven by opinions they expressed in the  past, will lead to economic stagnation or do they believe that the Archons will, due to their opinions and beliefs, attempt to create that stagnation by purposely curtailing economic activity? I can’t say, for sure, nor can I say how accurate a forecast it [the report[ might be. But I do believe the Archons are wiser than the CIEA gives them credit for. Still, we won’t know until Groundhog Day (the day of the Archons’ first address to the citizens of The Park) what direction the Archons plan to take us in, economically or otherwise. Until then, everything is just speculation,” she said.

Surplus funds to be used for Archons’ swearing-in ceremony

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Park Archons

Surplus funds will be used to upgrade the swearing-in ceremony of The Park’s 2013 Archons

The 35 Animals who will form The Park’s 2013 government will be sworn in in style this year, thanks to the fortuitous discovery of “surplus funds” by The Park’s Finance Office (PFO).

At a press conference held this afternoon, Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for The Park’s Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations announced that “unanticipated” extra funds were made available to her department for the purpose of “sprucing up” the swearing-in ceremony.

“In the opinion of the PFO and others, the swearing-in of the annual Park government warrants a true celebration and these funds are meant to facilitate that,” she said.

No definition was offered for “true celebration” nor were the “others” named, but Kanariar hinted that the ceremony, which in the past been a solemn occasion, would be treated more like a Park festival this year.

“There will be refreshments available for those who attend the event and we are looking into constructing a stage upon which the Archons will take their oath,” she said. In the past, Archons took the oath, one by one, on level ground. Kanariar did not divulge the planned location of the stage, nor of the other changes to the programme.

“We are keeping those details to ourselves so that Park citizens can enjoy the anticipation of and, eventually, the realization of, an early Winter surprise,” she said.

While this afternoon’s announcement was met favourably by many, some were highly critical of the plan, including many members of The Park’s political reform groups.

Sylvana Rana, president of the pro-sortition group, Save Our Political System (SOPS), said she was “outraged” at what she considered a misuse of funds.

“This whole business stinks, quite frankly,” she said when questioned by reporters at a separate event.

“When the PFO finally presented their 2013 budget, they were not shy or apologetic about their cutbacks. If there was a surplus, why have cutbacks? And, if the surplus was discovered recently, why did the PFO not restore the previously-cut funding or ask Park citizens what they would like done with it? I find this whole thing very un-zoocratic,” she said.

The 2013 Archons will be sworn in on January 16, 2013.

Second prong of Archons’ new tourism strategy: signage

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The 2012 Archons have revealed the second prong of their “three-pronged” plan to promote tourism in The Park.

At a press conference held this morning, Chief Archon George Irving Nathan Gallagher Newt proudly announced that a “major construction project” will take place in The Park this Winter, with the building and erection of a number of signposts. The signposts, Newt said, will direct tourists to Park “hot spots” and make their time spent here significantly more pleasant.

“I know if I didn’t live here, I wouldn’t know where to start,” Newt said, adding that, for those who live outside it, The Park is a vast untapped resource for sports, entertainment and fine dining.

“And once The Park Museum opens, there will be even more reason to visit,” he said.

The signpost project will be overseen by Simply Structures, one of The Park’s leading construction companies. A spokesAnimal for the company said she thought the project would be completed by the end of Winter.

The Archons’ plan to promote The Park as a tourist destination, initiated this past Spring, has continued to meet with resistance from individual Park citizens, environmental groups and some businesses, who say the financial gain from tourists does not offset the physical damage to The Park and the disruption of Park life.

See also:

Archons’ plan to promote Park tourism draws criticism

Second prong of Archons’ new tourism strategy: signage

By

The 2012 Archons have revealed the second prong of their “three-pronged” plan to promote tourism in The Park.

At a press conference held this morning, Chief Archon George Irving Nathan Gallagher Newt proudly announced that a “major construction project” will take place in The Park this Winter, with the building and erection of a number of signposts. The signposts, Newt said, will direct tourists to Park “hot spots” and make their time spent here significantly more pleasant.

“I know if I didn’t live here, I wouldn’t know where to start,” Newt said, adding that, for those who live outside it, The Park is a vast untapped resource for sports, entertainment and fine dining.

“And once The Park Museum opens, there will be even more reason to visit,” he said.

The signpost project will be overseen by Simply Structures, one of The Park’s leading construction companies. A spokesAnimal for the company said she thought the project would be completed by the end of Winter.

The Archons’ plan to promote The Park as a tourist destination, initiated this past Spring, has continued to meet with resistance from individual Park citizens, environmental groups and some businesses, who say the financial gain from tourists does not offset the physical damage to The Park and the disruption of Park life.

See also:

Archons’ plan to promote Park tourism draws criticism

Archons, PFO blasted over Human Direct Investment in Park

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Human giving the boot to the food requirements of Park Animals

An investigation has concluded that Human Direct Investment (HDI) in The Park is responsible for some of the food shortages that Animals have experienced over the past year.

The investigation, which was conducted over a twelve-month period by The Park Police Force’s Undercover Operations Unit (UOU) revealed that, in January of 2011, the sitting Archons, in conjunction with the Park Finance Officers, agreed to “rent” out portions of The Park’s farmland to Humans for their personal use. The agreement explicitly allowed for use of the land for the purpose of growing food for the exclusive consumption of Humans.

“There was no stipulation as to sharing the harvest or any discussion, as far as we know, of their [the Humans’] reinvestment in The Park,” said UOU head B.N.L.Valerian Beetle at a news conference held this afternoon.

“This was a bad deal, all around,” said A.P. Civet, President of The Park’s Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF) in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio following the news conference.

“These so-called allotment gardens were given over for cash only, without any thought to the consequences,” she said.

It is because of those almost certain consequences that Park Animals find themselves in a state of fear this Summer, as they look at the likelihood of a truncated harvest and face the possibility of not being able to feed themselves from Park lands alone.

“Importing food is something we try to avoid at all costs…and primarily because of the cost of doing so. But, with our growing population and with the Archons not looking out for Animal welfare, it’s almost a certainty that we will have to do just that this year,” Civet said.

See also: Food production scandal rocks Park

Others in The Park, even more critical of the agreement, have turned their anger toward the Park Finance Office.

“I don’t know what they were thinking,” said A.J. Babirusa, president of the newly-formed activist group, Take Back The Park (TBTP). “You can’t eat money. They should know that,” he said.

Babirusa’s group has launched a lawsuit against the PFO, accusing it of illegally selling the rights to farmland without the consent of Park citizens.

“Archons come and go,” Babirusa said. “But the PFO should know better. They’re in charge of our welfare…or so we thought,” he said.

Gewper finds scents make good financial sense

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Executives at RhinoTech, Inc. had a hunch they were onto something four years ago, when they partnered with Enterprises Moufettes, S.A., makers of the popular scent-masking product, FeralNoMore™, to create gewper, a social networking site with a difference.

That difference—the opportunity for users to “smell those they know and those they might wish to know”—has made all the difference in RhinoTech’s bottom line.

Now just a year old, the site dubbed “the ultimate Animal experience in the virtual world” accounts for more than half of its developer’s real income.

“Earnings are up 175% over this time last year,” said a RhinoTech spokesAnimal at a tech conference held in The Park last week. “And we’re putting them to good use.”

That “good use” may well turn out to be the project the company says every Animal has been waiting for. In an interview last year, RhinoTech Chief Executive Officer Aldrich Nashorn confirmed that his company, which uses all its profits for research, was working on a site that would allow members to touch each other across cyberspace.

“We’re working on it, that’s all I can tell you,” Nashorn said.

The company has kept mum about the project ever since, but those in the know say they expect an announcement to be made within a year’s time.

“With all the money that gewper is making, they’ve got enough to hire the best and the brightest,” says Consuela Tapir, who runs the tech rumour web site, TikTekTok. “And that’s what it’s going to take to get this one off the ground,” she says.

See also: New social networking site to offer scent option

Banking scandal prompts special meeting of Archons

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A special meeting of the Archons has been called to discuss the activities of some of The Park’s banks.

An investigation that revealed significant irregularities in The Park’s banking system has prompted a special meeting of the Archons this afternoon.

According to Balthasar Alouatta, press secretary to the Archons, the purpose of the meeting is to discuss the implications of the results of an investigation conducted by The Park Finance Office (PFO) into the internal activities of several of The Park’s major banks.

Files obtained by The Mammalian Daily indicate that the Monotreme Savings Bank (MSB), the Arthropod Commercial Bank (ACB) and the Founding Families Financial Corporation (FFFC) are alleged to have engaged in a system of internal lending that violates the PFO’s rules of conduct and puts the value of some customer deposits at risk.

At a press conference held early this morning, Alouatta refused to comment on rumours that the three banks have been lending funds to each other in one curency only: Ftoo.

If the rumour is true, say financial experts, it could have a major effect on financial institutions and on life in general for residents of The Park.

“If that is what they are doing, then they effectively have established an official currency in The Park and exchanged funds accordingly,” says Sierpinski Squirrel, Chief Financial Officer of A. Corn and Partners and author of Tools for Trade: Ten Strategies for Expanding The Park’s Economy.

The Park does not currently have an official currency and the establishment of one in law would require the usual unanimous agreement of the Archons.

“If these rumours are true,” says Sierpinski, “it means the banks, essentially, have usurped the power of the Archons and assumed the role of government. That would be a very serious and dangerous situation for us to find ourselves in,” he says.

Park Finance Office comes in early on cuts, late on budget

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Although The Park’s Finance Office will present the 2013 budget late, it has already announced cuts in funding

Struggling to meet the demands of a growing population, The Park’s Finance Office (PFO) announced today that it will be late in presenting the budget for the fiscal year 2013.

At a press conference held this morning, Park Finance Officer Milton Struts said that configuring the coming year’s budget has been an “agonizing process” for the PFO and, as a result, it will not be able to present the budget until “mid-August, at the earliest.” Budget projections for the coming year have been announced in mid-July since the establishment of zoocracy.

Despite lacking an actual budget, Struts was able to confirm the rumours of cuts to funding in the areas of arts, sports, and special events.

“It was a tough decision, to be sure,” said Struts. “But it came down to…do we take the money from healthcare, security, refugee services? These are not areas that can be funded by anyone else. But arts, sports, and events can and some events have received private funding in the past. We’ve had success with sponsorships from Park businesses and we’re hoping to see more of that in the coming year.”

When asked about expectations regarding The Park’s economy, Struts said there was reason to believe there would be growth in the coming year.

“We continue to be cautiously optimistic about The Park’s fiscal future,” he said.

Bad Boy Chef to open new restaurant at Park Museum

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Bad Boy chef Tab Tricolore will open the PurrBoy Café at The Park Museum

Bad boy chef, Tab Tricolore, will open his next restaurant at The Park Museum, according to a statement released on July 15 by The Museum’s Board of Governors.

The new restaurant will be called the PurrrBoy Café and will serve formal lunches and dinners, as well as take-away meals for those on the go. The restaurant will commence service approximately two weeks before the museum’s opening ceremonies take place.

Insiders speculate that Tricolore will engage the services of Tagma Design for the new café’s décor. Tagma Design is the firm Tricolore has used for each of his four restaurants.

“Tab trusts them completely. I think he has definite ideas about what he wants for this restaurant. I think he wants it to be not only different, but special,” said a source who wished not to be named.

Tricolore has made headlines over the years for his penchant for wild scenes and sudden staff firings, as well as for occasionally pouncing on customers who complain about his food.

“Tab has little patience for customer complaints,” says his former saucier, Barry “Béarnaise” Burmilla. “He’s a perfectionist and he figures if you’re complaining, you just don’t get it,” he says. “He’s the same way with staff.”

To his credit, Tricolore says he will be hiring staff for the new restaurant “from within The Park”, as he has done for each of his restaurants. According to his web site, training will begin three months after all staff members are hired.

The Park Museum is scheduled to open in 2013.

“Weightless Whiskers” boost Park’s Q2 retail sales

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“Weightless Whiskers,” the newest product developed by Park-based accessory manufacturer I.E. Baffolungo, S.A., has boosted sales in The Park’s retail sector over the last quarter.

According to figures reported by the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), the product is responsible for a 100% increase in sales during the second quarter of the year.

“We’ve seen a phenomenal rise [in retail sales] over the first quarter,” says Wellington Whistlepig, founder and current PASS president. “It’s obvious a great deal of it is related to this new product.”

Baffolungo’s Chief Marketing Officer, Darina Yak, attributes some of the product’s success to the company’s marketing strategy and, specifically, to the timing of its release.

“The release in late Spring worked perfectly,” said Yak.

Footpad Heaven, The Park’s oldest shop, was the first retailer to stock Weightless Whiskers, giving them a prominent place in the shop’s windows and on its shelves.  Manager Adamma Bandicoot, who traces her ancestry back to the shop’s founder, expressed high praise for the product.

“Nothing could be more welcome in the heat than a set of whiskers that doesn’t weigh you down and that’s something that hasn’t been available until now,” she said.

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