The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2017—Design of 2017 prognostication pad sparks criticism, spawns new memes

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2017-prognostication-PADThe design of the 2017 prognostication pad hasn’t just sparked intense criticism from attendees and design experts; it’s also spawned several new Park memes.

The confusing design, coupled with the grave illness suffered by 2017 POPS Ditmar Bismarmot, has spawned  a set of memes that appear to blame the pad and its designer, the architectural firm Fleck + Stone, for Bosmarmot’s illness.

The Park Official Prognosticator of Spring was found to be suffering from Premature Awakening (PA) from hibernation and was rushed to hospital just minutes after predicting an early Spring on Groundhog Day.

Despite these indisputable medical facts, the memes have taken off in a variety of forms, including one that shows an image of Bosmarmot sprawled across the top of the pad with the the warning: “Don’t get stoned by Fleck.” Another with a similar image says, “Ditmarred Again.” Yet another portrays the firm’s chef architect, Vadim Kobras, climbing up the pad, leaving a number of dead Groundhogs behind him on the steps.

For their part, the Archons have been swift to react to the memes, preferring to deal with them in a factual way. This morning, Balthasar Alouatta, spokesAnimal for the Archons, read a prepared statement from Chief Archon Klarissa Kuttu in which she wished Bosmarmot a speedy recovery. The statement went on to use the memes to address the issue of Premature Awakening and to direct Park Animals to information on the subject.

Thus far, neither the firm of Fleck + Stone nor its chief architect has publicly reacted to the criticism of the prognostication pad.

OTD in 2016—Groundhog Day recap: great weather, massive turnout, POPS sees shadow

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Six more weeksIt was a great celebration. We made history, and then some. Here are a few tidbits to recap the day:

– First things first: Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) saw her shadow and predicted six more weeks of Winter

– According to the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, who described the turnout as “massive,” this year’s official Groundhog Day event was the best attended in Park history. A record number of Animals, ranging in age from newborn Bears to some of our oldest reptile citizens, graced us with their presence

– Chief organizer Wyatt Whistlepig, Jr. was back at the celebrations, after sitting out last year due to the effects of premature awakening

– The Park’s food providers staffed the stations with innovative fare over the longest number of hours ever

– This was only the second Groundhog Day celebration that included a dance choreographed specifically for the event by Herman Stoat. This year’s dance was titled “Plea for Peas”

– For the first time in the history of any event, one of The Park’s peacekeeping units, the Does of Peace, performed a short dramatic piece

– The Archons’ Address lasted 21 minutes—the longest in history— and included a plea for interspecial harmony and thanks to the new PFO head, Valentina Abeja

– The 2016 Archons listed and promised to tackle “head-on” the issues that are dividing The Park: interspecial tensions, economic unrest, inequality among the species, violence, loss of faith in Animal self-rule

– The Park’s Early Risers hosted their own after-party and Animals partied into the late morning hours of February 3

– Twenty-one injuries were reported as a result of the celebrations. Seven Animals were taken to hospital, including one Bird who flew into the middle of the Herman Stoat Dance Company performance, and fourteen were treated on-site

OTD in 2015—Early Risers to host after-party following official Groundhog Day celebrations

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Early Rise fireworksFor the first time in history, The Park’s Groundhog Day celebrations will not end with the 2-kilometre tunnel race or the closing of the food stations.

The Park’s Early Risers — hibernators who choose to end their hibernation on Groundhog Day rather than on the official date of February 19 — will be hosting an after-party on Monday.

In the announcement-invitation issued this morning, a spokesAnimal for the group said the party will start at 20:30, a half-hour after the official celebrations end.

“All are invited and all are welcome. We’re going to make some noise and celebrate the beginning of another year!” the announcement said.

According to the Department of Statistics and Records, Early Risers constitute approximately eight percent of The Park’s hibernating community.

OTD in 2015—Noreen to join TMD commentating crew at Groundhog Day celebrations

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Official NoreenNoreen will be joining The Mammalian Daily’s commentating crew as they tweet live from The Park’s annual Groundhog Day celebrations.

The Mammalian Daily advice columnist, who will resume her duties at the newspaper in mid-February, says she is “thrilled” to have the opportunity to connect with celebrants at the event as well as with those at home.

“Groundhog Day is one of the most important days on The Park’s calendar. I feel privileged to have been asked to communicate the wonder of it all through social media,” she said in a statement released today.

The columnist, who is also adjunct professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier, has been on leave since November. She has been promoting her book, Lovely To Look At, outside The Park and said in a radio interview last week that she intends to write about her experiences as soon as she gets back to work.

Follow the Groundhog Day celebrations on Twitter!

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OTD in 2015—Nesthetics designer dishes on “shadow boxing” and “Groundhog Day nerves”

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Pencils“Shadow boxing” is not a term you would expect to hear from the head designer of one of The Park’s most innovative construction companies. Nevertheless, while pecking away at a sketch, Romulus Bowerbird insists on explaining the concept to me as it applies to the 2015 Groundhog Day prognostication pad: “You have to make sure you don’t contain the shadow … box it in,” he says. “That can lead to an inaccurate prognostication which, as we have seen in the past, can cause ongoing problems. You have to let the shadow spread … the most important thing is to make sure that you allow it enough room to expand.”

As Bowerbird lays down his pencil, one can’t help but ponder the term’s other meaning: that of fighting against an invisible opponent. In this case, the opponent is Simply Structures, the firm that designed and constructed The Park’s prognostication pad for over a decade.

At first, Bowerbird demurs when asked the question.

“I do realize that we will be judged not only on our own product, but by comparison with the products of previous years,” he says matter-of-factly.

Then, as he lets his guard down, you can see the source of the “Groundhog Day nerves” he mentions often during the interview.

“I believe we won the contract on merit. I also believe it was time to inject some new blood into the celebrations. I hope our work will be appreciated and that, in the end, we will have contributed something valuable and memorable to what is undeniably one of the most important events in The Park,” he says.

But Bowerbird admits that the past decade is a tough act to follow.

“The experience alone is invaluable,” he says in an admiring tone. “Seeing what works and what doesn’t, in a practical way. Years of going back to the drawing board, years of attempting to outdo yourself … the value of that can’t be underestimated, both in knowledge and creativity.”

Still, Bowerbird was the first at his company to suggest that they bid for the job.

“As I said, new blood. And we have a different sensibility here. Less down to earth … more ethereal. And we’ve chosen a mix of bright, celebratory colours. We tried very hard to maintain the sense of the occasion while injecting a sense of occasion, if you know what I mean. A nod to tradition, and then a pop of surprise,” he says, with a wink.

And those Groundhog Day nerves?

“I haven’t slept for the past month, but I’m sure it will be worth it in the end.”

OTD in 2017—Chief Archon Kuttu said to be “very involved” in Groundhog Day planning

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Groundhog Day celebrationsNewly-selected Chief Archon, Klarissa Kuttu, is reportedly “very involved” in the planning of this year’s Groundhog Day celebration.

According to a post on the gossip web site, headsNtales, the Chief Archon, who was sworn in on January 16, called a meeting the same afternoon to discuss plans for the upcoming event.

The post, which was dated January 22, quotes an unnamed source “close to the Archons” as saying it was “more of a summoning than a meeting.”

According to the source, those present included all 34 new Archons, staff from the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, the event’s chief organizer Wyatt Whistlepig, Jr., Fleck + Stone’s chief architect Vadim Kobras, historian Clark Cascanueces and University of West Terrier history professor Beatrice Zilonis, PASS President Wellington Whistlepig, Kalliope Sun Bear, president of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP), and representatives of the Park Police and the Does of Peace.

To date, very few new Chief Archons have been involved in Groundhog Day planning. George Frederick Grouse, who served as Chief Archon in 2008, said he was surprised when he read the post.

“The plans and budget are usually in place before the new Archons are selected,” he said. “There is very little time to get involved with the event and I don’t know why she [Kuttu] would want to. I’d think she’d be involved in writing her address and setting out the Archons’ plans for the year,” he said.

The Mammalian Daily has reached out to Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations for comment, but thus far she has not responded.

OTD in 2013—POPS fans, we have a winner (finally)!

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Solange Marmotte

The Park’s hibernating community will breathe a collective sigh of relief today.

Less than a full day before this year’s new official date of hibernation, the Park Election Office finally has been able to declare a winner in the 2014 POPS election.

PEO head Gerritt Wezel made the announcement this morning at a hastily-arranged but well-attended press conference.

“The Animal who will fulfill the rôle of 2014 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring is Solange Graciela Marmotte,” he said.

Reading from a prepared statement, Wezel thanked Park citizens for their patience and commended his staff and all the volunteers who joined the recount effort.

“Without your help, I would still be counting votes and Park citizens would have lost all confidence in this process,” he said.

As it is, many Park citizens have expressed their disillusionment with the POPS selection process after this year’s fiasco. Nevertheless, many seem willing to let bygones be bygones and to move forward with their plans for hibernation.

“This is definitely something we will have to revisit come Spring,” said Killeen Echidna, president of The Monotreme Alliance. Echidna spoke on Toro Talk Radio as part of a discussion forum on the subject after the election announcement was made.

“In the meantime, we’re grateful to have had a bit more time to prepare for hibernation. Now, we’ll all be glad to go under and Solange [Marmotte] has our full confidence. She will do a great job as POPS in February,” she said.

OTD in 2016—”We must all come together now,” says newly-elected POPS Ditmar Bosmarmot

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Ditmar BosmarmotThe POPS election is over for this year and we must all come together now, Ditmar Bosmarmot told a massive crowd last night just minutes after he was declared the 2017 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS).

“This has been a very difficult and contentious election. A lot of things have been said that can’t be taken back, so we must remember them and use them to make The Park a better and a more unified place,” he said.

As he and the six previous holders of the position encircled one of the farewell Trees of Hearts, Bosmarmot remarked that when he emerged again in February, zoocracy in The Park would be celebrating its thirty-fifth birthday.

“This will be a historic year for all of us,” he told the cheering crowd. “We should all be proud of ourselves for sustaining Animal self-rule against all odds. I look forward to continuing this journey with you after Groundhog Day.”

OTD in 2016—Election Office scrambles to meet today’s deadline to declare a winner

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ballot-boxThe Park Election Office (PEO) is scrambling to count all the votes cast in the November 7 election for Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) by midnight tonight in order to announce a winner before the hibernating community takes its leave for the Winter.

In an early morning interview on TMD Radio,  PEO head Gerritt Wezel said he and his team would “do anything” to avoid the situation that occurred three years ago, when the vote counting took so long that hibernation had to be postponed for weeks.

“That took its toll on the whole Park, emotionally, as well as physically,” he said.

Wezel also confirmed that he’d asked the members of the Maple Tree Project, who organize the Tree of Hearts sendoff for hibernators, to postpone the hanging of the hearts until late in the afternoon. According to Wezel, former Chief Archon Dewi Rhinoceros, who initiated the project, agreed to hold off until about five o’clock.

The election results will be broadcast across all Park media as soon as they are known.

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