Satirical fiction in newspaper form
Walmond Murmeltier: An early Spring!
BREAKING NEWS
It will be an early Spring in 2015!
At 8:07 this morning, surrounded by his fellow citizens, 2015 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) Walmond Murmeltier, made the prediction.
More to come.
The Early Risers will host an after-party beginning at 20:30 on Monday night
For the first time in history, The Park’s Groundhog Day celebrations will not end with the 2-kilometre tunnel race or the closing of the food stations.
The Park’s Early Risers — hibernators who choose to end their hibernation on Groundhog Day rather than on the official date of February 19 — will be hosting an after-party on Monday.
In the announcement-invitation issued this morning, a spokesAnimal for the group said the party will start at 20:30, a half-hour after the official celebrations end.
“All are invited and all are welcome. We’re going to make some noise and celebrate the beginning of another year!” the announcement said.
According to the Department of Statistics and Records, Early Risers constitute approximately eight percent of The Park’s hibernating community.
Noreen will report from The Park’s Groundhog Day celebrations
Noreen will be joining The Mammalian Daily’s commentating crew as they tweet live from The Park’s annual Groundhog Day celebrations.
The Mammalian Daily advice columnist, who will resume her duties at the newspaper in mid-February, says she is “thrilled” to have the opportunity to connect with celebrants at the event as well as with those at home.
“Groundhog Day is one of the most important days on The Park’s calendar. I feel privileged to have been asked to communicate the wonder of it all through social media,” she said in a statement released today.
The columnist, who is also adjunct professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier, has been on leave since November. She has been promoting her book, Lovely To Look At, outside The Park and said in a radio interview last week that she intends to write about her experiences as soon as she gets back to work.
Follow the Groundhog Day celebrations on Twitter!
Click on the picture to order Noreen’s book today!
“Shadow boxing” is not a term you would expect to hear from the head designer of one of The Park’s most innovative construction companies. Nevertheless, while pecking away at a sketch, Romulus Bowerbird insists on explaining the concept to me as it applies to the 2015 Groundhog Day prognostication pad: “You have to make sure you don’t contain the shadow … box it in,” he says. “That can lead to an inaccurate prognostication which, as we have seen in the past, can cause ongoing problems. You have to let the shadow spread … the most important thing is to make sure that you allow it enough room to expand.”
As Bowerbird lays down his pencil, one can’t help but ponder the term’s other meaning: that of fighting against an invisible opponent. In this case, the opponent is Simply Structures, the firm that designed and constructed The Park’s prognostication pad for over a decade.
At first, Bowerbird demurs when asked the question.
“I do realize that we will be judged not only on our own product, but by comparison with the products of previous years,” he says matter-of-factly.
Then, as he lets his guard down, you can see the source of the “Groundhog Day nerves” he mentions often during the interview.
“I believe we won the contract on merit. I also believe it was time to inject some new blood into the celebrations. I hope our work will be appreciated and that, in the end, we will have contributed something valuable and memorable to what is undeniably one of the most important events in The Park,” he says.
But Bowerbird admits that the past decade is a tough act to follow.
“The experience alone is invaluable,” he says in an admiring tone. “Seeing what works and what doesn’t, in a practical way. Years of going back to the drawing board, years of attempting to outdo yourself … the value of that can’t be underestimated, both in knowledge and creativity.”
Still, Bowerbird was the first at his company to suggest that they bid for the job.
“As I said, new blood. And we have a different sensibility here. Less down to earth … more ethereal. And we’ve chosen a mix of bright, celebratory colours. We tried very hard to maintain the sense of the occasion while injecting a sense of occasion, if you know what I mean. A nod to tradition, and then a pop of surprise,” he says, with a wink.
And those Groundhog Day nerves?
“I haven’t slept for the past month, but I’m sure it will be worth it in the end.”
After almost two months of relentless criticism, scrutiny, and defamation, Gunnar Rotte will break his silence in an interview this week with radio host Yannis Tavros on Toro Talk Radio.
The Rodent Commoner reporter confirmed through his representative this morning that he has accepted an invitation from Tavros to “tell his story” in a live interview.
“After a period of serious consideration, Gunnar Rotte felt it was time for him to speak for himself and, perhaps, change some minds about the reality of Animal life in The Park. Rotte feels very strongly that he has been misrepresented and he would like to set the record straight on a number of things,” the representative’s statement says.
The interview has not yet been scheduled, but media and advertising experts say it will prove a windfall for the station.
“It’s a big get and I don’t know how he got it, but kudos to him,” said J.J. Chanticleer, manager of CLucK Radio.
Although seen as controversial and extremely hot-headed, Tavros has offered his show as a forum on a number of occasions to allow others to tell their story, starting with The Cynics in April of 2010.
Dear Gunnar Espen Rotte:
After the backlash of the past weeks, our editors have had to look deep into their hearts, and in a number of areas, they’ve found themselves wanting.
Two weeks ago, we published a photo of you holding two pies that you bought at a bakery outside The Park. The article we published was about your claim that you’d been assaulted during the course of purchasing the pies. Alongside the article, we ran a photo of you holding the pies.
As you and your supporters have pointed out to us for the past ten days, we made a grievous error when we chose the photo. Although it was never our intention to do so, when we used that photograph, we made you look like a happy pie thief rather than as a customer who had suffered maltreatment.
We were wrong. Now, we would like to make it right.
Please accept our sincere apology. We should have given more time and thought to our choice of image. It was a hasty decision made by editors who work on a strict deadline, but that is neither a reason nor an excuse.
The Mammalian Daily takes its rôle seriously. Our duty is to present — and to represent — the story accurately. On this occasion, however, we failed to do the latter and that failure caused harm to you. We are very sorry.
In the next few weeks, we will be holding a series of meetings with our reporting and editorial staff to discuss the ways in which we can avoid repeating this mistake. We would like to take this opportunity to invite you to join us and to help us understand better the position of those whose stories we tell in our newspaper.
But, for now, we hope you will accept our sincere apology.
Sincerely,
Orphea Haas
Managing Editor
The Mammalian Daily
The President and Governors of the University of West Terrier announced today that Herman Stoat will speak at this year’s annual Open House.
According to a post on the university’s web site, the renowned dancer, choreographer, and UWT alumnus will talk about his UWT experience and the rôle of higher education in the arts.
The full announcement appears on the University’s web site.
The Park’s “most-watched” gossip web site headsNtales is reporting that, some years ago, Thisbe had a relationship with Bailey, The Mammalian Daily’s longtime Balls columnist.
According to the report, the founder and lead singer of The Park’s most successful and beloved musical group had a “short but productive relationship with Bailey, who was the Mammalian Daily Balls Columnist for over a decade. Sources say they remained friends long after.”
Although the site does not define the word, “productive,” and does not elaborate on “long after,” many are speculating that Thisbe might have raised a family secretly with Bailey.
headsNtales co-founder Hortencia Guacamayo says she contacted the group’s manager, Hilde Blaft, for confirmation, but has not heard back. Despite that, Guacamayo says she feels confident in going to press because the site has more than one “reliable source” for the information.
As the protest grows outside The Mammalian Daily offices, Managing Editor Orphea Haas has called an emergency meeting this afternoon of all editorial staff.
A spokesAnimal for the paper confirmed that Haas personally contacted editorial staff as well as the photographer who shot the picture that started the protest.
“She is taking this very seriously,” the spokesAnimal said. “We pride ourselves on dealing with all stories with respect and fairness and our publishing record is proof of that. We want to understand fully why this protest has erupted.”
The protest, which enters its seventh day today, began after the paper published a photograph of Rodent Commoner reporter Gunnar Espen Rotte. The photograph was taken as Rotte returned after shopping at a bakery outside The Park. Rotte had bought two pies, but complained that he had been “assaulted” while visiting the bakery. The photograph showed Rotte with his pies but, to some, it appeared that Rotte had in fact stolen the pies. The complainants outside the newspaper offices have said that the way the photographer caught Rotte’s face makes him look “sly” or “as if he got away with something.”
Dedrick Knaagdier of the aid group Rodents at Risk says the photo “redirected the story entirely.”
“This wasn’t about Rotte or pies. It was about stereotyping and prejudice and its abusive consequences. Instead of going after those who allegedly assaulted Rotte, the paper went after Rotte himself. And that is why we must stay here until we have an answer as to why they chose to do that.”
While staff will be meeting inside, Rotte is expected to make an appearance at the protest at 1:00 p.m. Park Police say they are “prepared for whatever happens.”
Click on the image above to read the entire schedule
The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations has released the Official Schedule of the 2015 Groundhog Day Celebrations.
At a press conference held early this morning, Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for the department, announced plans for what the department has dubbed the “most jam-packed” Groundhog Day celebrations ever.
“We’re making history this year with a new, expanded version,” Kanariar said, beaming.
Those who attend the celebrations annually will note several additions to this year’s festival. Between the much-anticipated Archons’ Address and the super-celebratory Groundhog Day Parade, the department has scheduled a dance performance by the Herman Stoat Dance Company and a short play performed by the Working Wounded Performing Arts Company.
“We are extremely proud that these companies accepted our invitation to perform at the celebrations. We think these additions will make for a much more inclusive festival,” Kanariar said.
She also hinted that this year’s parade will have not only a larger number of floats, but that some groups have “updated or expanded” their presentations.
One of the most important aspects of the Groundhog Day celebrations is the food and this year, Kanariar said, the department decided to extend the hours that the food stations will be open. Five full hours have been added, which will take the entire festival into the evening for the first time.
“It’s part of our commitment to inclusiveness. Some Animals are up and about in the morning and others take a little longer to get going. And some take afternoon naps. We want all Park Animals to be able to enjoy what is one of the most important holidays on The Park’s calendar,” she said.
And, for the second year in a row, the events will be covered live by Mammalian Daily reporters on Twitter. The live coverage can be followed here.
