The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Radio host Yannis Tavros announces stellar lineup for “March Madness”

By

YannisTavros

Radio host Yannis Tavros announced a stellar lineup for “March Madness”

Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros announced a stellar lineup today for his upcoming “March Madness” broadcasts.

Tavros took a break during his show this afternoon to rattle off a list of guests that is sure to triple or even quadruple his listener audience.

Among those confirmed, Tavros mentioned beleaguered Rodent Commoner reporter Gunnar Rotte, controversial Nesthetics designer Romulus Bowerbird, Park Historical Society president Clark Cascanueces, and newly-appointed head of the Park Finance Office, Valentina Abeja. Dorika Pumi, The Park Museum’s new curator, choreographer Herman Stoat, rapper Will.o.be., and Beasts of Burden lead singer Alfredo Ox will also be joining Tavros in March.

The list continued with director Douglas Cheetah, Dr. Berthilidis Strix, head of The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic, Hieronymous Hedgehog, and historian Pieter Paard. As well, Tavros confirmed that renowned chef, restaurateur and author Tab Tricolore will join the radio host for his first interview since his return to The Park.

“There’s something for everyone in this lineup,” Tavros said, as he concluded. “And we have even more to tell you in the days to come.”

Despite the bitter cold, jubilation reigns at Return of the Nut ceremony

By

Return of the Nut 2015

Jubilation reigned at yesterday’s Return of the Nut ceremony.

The temperature was well below normal, the wind was howling and the snow blew upwards and stuck to our whiskers. But there were no complaints from the jubilant throng that braved the elements to attend yesterday’s Return of the Nut ceremony.[pullquote]Another year, another Nut. This is always a very emotional event for us. —Malinda L. Hamster, president of the Small Animal Hibernating Community[/pullquote]

As  2015 Keeper of the Nut Eduarda Teresinha Coelho swore the ancient oath that the Nut was “kept from harm and preserved intact,” a great cheer went up from the crowd. The attendees, most of them recently-awakened hibernators, hugged one another, welcomed each other back, and expressed heartfelt thanks to their non-hibernating compatriots.

“Another year, another Nut,” said Malinda L. Hamster, president of the Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC).

“This is always a very emotional event for us.”

Indeed, and it is a day of great significance to The Park as a whole, as it marks the end of hibernation and the reuniting of most of The Park’s residents.

“It’s a day of faith renewed, as well as hope for the future,” says Park psychoanalyst Dr. Elinore E. Owl. “Its meaning cannot be overstated.”

Clark Cascanueces, President of the Park Historical Society, agrees.

“It’s impossible not to feel the significance [of the Return of the Nut]. It speaks to all our hopes and fears. It renews our faith in our community of non-hibernating friends as well as our faith in ourselves and our survival. In many ways, it marks a new year, even though technically the year has already begun for many.”

Read more about the Keeper of the Nut.

Many Animals blame calendar harmonization for economic woes

By

Original Park Calendar

The Park retired the Varrrian calendar in 2012 and adopted the Human Gregorian calendar.

Many Animals blame calendar harmonization for both their personal economic woes and the persistent sluggishness of The Park’s economy, say the results of a recent survey.

The late Autumn questionnaire, which was conducted jointly by The Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS) and the Park Finance Office asked five key questions regarding personal finance and the state of the economy. The results show a significant number of Animals, though not a majority, believe it was a mistake to harmonize the calendar with that of those living outside The Park.

“It’s an idea that took hold in Animals’ minds well before harmonization and it stuck,” says current PASS president Wellington Whistlepig, whose group began lobbying for calendar harmonization six years before it took effect.

“I don’t think it’s been fully understood by some but I also believe that the hardship experienced over the past few years has made Animals more likely to blame one thing rather than to look deeper at the number of different factors that might have led to our problems,” he says.

A cornerstone of the 2010 Archons’ “Agenda for Modernization,” The Park’s original Varrian calendar was fully retired in December, 2012. The calendar now in use is known outside The Park as the Human Gregorian calendar. The last printed copy of the Varrian calendar will reside permanently in the Park Museum, which is set to open on March 1.

In a statement released yesterday, the new head of the Park Finance Office said she is taking some time to review the results of the late 2014 public consultations on the budget. After that, she will begin making recommendations for a 2015 budget, which she intends to present before the end of the first quarter. No mention was made of whether reverting to the original calendar was among the suggestions tabled.

Nesthetics designer under fire for comment about “green friends”

By

Bowerbird tweetNesthetics designer Romulus Bowerbird has come under fire for a comment he made during an interview with Mammalian Daily reporters on Groundhog Day.

While discussing his aesthetic choices for the 2015 prognostication pad, which he and his company designed and constructed, Bowerbird referred disparagingly to the previous pads made by Simply Structures.

Asked about the range of colours Nesthetics used in the 2015 pad, Bowerbird replied, “It’s much brighter, and we used a range of colours, as you saw. Not just green.”

As soon as he’d uttered it, Bowerbird appeared to realize that his comment was offensive, but his attempts to clarify if only made things worse.

“Green is good,” he said. “Many of my best friends are green.”

Although The Mammalian Daily reporter tried to gloss over the remark by segueing to the “decoration” of the pad, Bowerbird continued to stumble. When Hieronymous Hedgehog joined the conversation, he tried to make light of Bowerbird’s remark, saying that he, too, had many friends who were green. After that. Bowerbird hurriedly left the interview.

Nothing more was made of the incident until two days ago, when The Reptile Register ran an editorial criticizing Bowerbird for expressing views that went against the ideals of zoocracy.

Editor Sherwin Gecko parsed every remark Bowerbird made, finding fault with his cadence as well as his sentiments and concluded that Bowerbird “had a serious problem with other species” and would benefit from having “friends of all colours.”

The issue took on a life of its own after that, with many representatives of The Park’s citizen aid and action associations calling for an apology from Bowerbird.

“It was a thoughtless comment that hurt a large segment of our population,” said Mason L. Tortoise, head of the Small Animal Reform Group (SARG). “Bowerbird should make a formal apology to all of us.”

Antoine Lézard, president of the Coalition Against Sortition in The Park (CASP) agreed.

“He didn’t have to say it. He was talking about colour in terms of design. If he didn’t think less of green Animals, it wouldn’t have come to his mind in the first place. We all deserve some sort of explanation of his thought processes, as well as an apology,” he said.

But Carlisle Chameleon sees it differently. One of Bowerbird’s few supporters, the president of Lizards for Liberty believes the designer was “well within his rights” to say what he did.

“He was just stating a fact,” says Chameleon. “He likes green—in Animals as well as prognostication pads—but he likes other colours, too. What I think we’re forgetting because of all the fuss is that while Bowerbird himself is blue, his mate is green, as are many of his relatives and friends. He doesn’t think less of them; he just wants more.”

Barkettes’ songs to be translated into different Animal languages

By

halcyondaysThisbe and the Barkettes have embarked on a new project: the translation of some of their biggest hits into a number of different Animal languages.[pullquote]We sincerely hope that other musicians and artists will follow suit and allow us all to enjoy the wonderful creativity of Park Animals. — Thisbe and the Barkettes[/pullquote]

In a statement released yesterday by their manager Hilde Blaft, the group explained their reasons for making the historic decision:

“After much reflection and in the service of interspecial harmony, Thisbe and the Barkettes have decided to release some of our most beloved songs in a number of different Animal languages.

Recent events in The Park have highlighted tensions that have grown among the different species that live in The Park. We feel that, as much as possible, we all need to bridge those gaps that have developed. To this end, we have engaged the services of several renowned translators to enable members of other species to enjoy our music. We sincerely hope that other musicians and artists will follow suit and allow us all to enjoy the wonderful creativity of Park Animals.”

The group did not give any specific date for the release of the music, nor the names of the songs that will be translated. But the gossip site headsNtales reported last week that the group has talked to a number of Feline and Avian translators and had signed a contract with RODOlphin Translation, the firm that works closely with the University of West Terrier.

headsNtales also reported that the Barkettes intended to donate a percentage of the proceeds from the sales of the translated works to a charity. The gossip site did not name the charity.

On the anniversary of Jor’s birth, The Park contemplates its zoocratic future

By

Jor, The Park's First Leader

Park Post Office issued this stamp in 2011 to commemorate Jor, The Park’s First Leader

The speeches were long, the weather was frigid, and the musicians packed up too soon, but as Animals gathered yesterday to honour Jor, The Park’s first leader and the founder of modern zoocracy, what was most on their minds was the sustainability of our way of life and the future of Animal self-rule.

“I have high hopes for zoocracy, but not for the system we’ve put in place to run it,” said Antoine Lézard, president of the Coalition Against Sortition in The Park (CASP).

“I think it’s high time we realized that we are mature enough to elect our own leaders, rather than have some lottery pick them.”

Lézard’s view was echoed by many who attended the celebration. Indeed, a recent poll conducted by the Department of Statistics and Records in conjunction with the Department of Political Administration, showed that almost fifty per cent of Park citizens think some form of change in the political system would be helpful.

Despite that result, Sylvana Rana, president of Save Our Political System (SOPS), insists that the present system of sortition works best and, in her words, “is the only thing that protects us from becoming a Human-like society.”

“We’ve seen what goes on in societies that have elections. It’s not only the elections that are the problem; it’s what goes on beforehand … the manipulation, the lying, the cheating. What is superior about that? At least, with sortition, we know that we all have an equal chance to participate and we come to the job in an honest fashion. I see no need to change anything,” she said.

But despite the discussion among Park citizens, there is no evidence that the 2015 Archons plan to make any changes, at least not in the first half of their term.

“They [the Archons] are focused on the economy and dealing with inequality. The present system was established by Jor and there are no plans on the table to discuss its reform,” says the Archons’ press secretary, Balthasar Alouatta.

Park Police, citizen aid workers say they want to meet with Tab Tricolore

By

FCSW President Gareth Shepherd

Gareth Shepherd: “Tab could be immensely helpful to us.”

Members of several branches of The Park’s police force and a number of citizen aid and action organizations have expressed an interest in meeting with Tab Tricolore, the renowned chef, restaurateur, and award-winning author who returned to The Park in December, three weeks after being abducted outside The Park.

“We are seeking information in a few key areas, particularly information that relates to certain groups of individuals who live outside The Park and we feel that Tab could be immensely helpful to us in that regard,” says Gareth Shepherd, a 18-year veteran of the force and president of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW).

Inspector Maurice Addax of the Specist and Hate Crimes Unit and Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit also said they plan to request a meeting with Tricolore “at his convenience.”

“It’s entirely up to him, of course, but we would very much appreciate the opportunity to ask him a few questions,” Fossa says.

No official police representative has been in touch directly with Tricolore yet, however, Fossa said.

Also interested in meeting with the chef are members of a number of The Park’s immigrant and refugee aid organizations and other Animal associations.

“We want to find out, to the extent that it is possible, whether his [Tab’s] stripes had anything to do with his disappearance,” says Aiofe Badger, who is president of the Sisters and  Brothers of the Narrow Band.

Keeva Moffatt, president of The Park’s Spotted Skunk Sedan Patrol says her group would also like to meet with Tab.

“If he was abducted because he is a tabby, this could affect us, too, in the future,” she says.

Other groups, including Home to Roost and Runaway Rovers say they would like to have a general meeting with the chef to share their joint knowledge and experience.

Tricolore was abducted on December 2, on one of his regular trips outside The Park to source ingredients for his fine dining restaurant, Klo. He returned on December 25, but the usually bombastic  and outspoken Feline has kept a low profile ever since.

Archons move on budget, appoint new head of Park Finance Office

By

Bee 2012 A1

Valentina Abeja has signed on to be PFO head for next two years

Moving swiftly on the matter of preparing a budget for the current year, the 2015 Archons announced today that Valentina Abeja will assume the rôle of head of the Park Finance Office for at least the next two years.

At a press conference held this morning, the Archons’ press secretary Balthasar Alouatta confirmed the appointment, saying, “The 2015 Archons and the Park Finance Office are delighted that Valentina Abeja has agreed to take on the onerous task of preparing a suitable budget for The Park. We will welcome her officially on February 15th and we look forward to working with her.”

Abeja, Alouatta emphasized, arrives with impressive credentials.

“She has significant financial as well as Animal skills,” he said, “having she spent the past few years working as an analyst at The Park’s All Species Credit and Commercial Bank (ASCCB).”

Abeja will succeed Milton Struts, whose tenure lasted more than six years, but who was relieved of his duties this past November after a series of scandals related to his allegedly accepting food from Humans and using his position of influence to encourage Human tourism in The Park. Struts is currently the subject of an investigation headed by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon.

See also:

Reaction to 2015 “streamlined” budget: from outrage to high praise
Struts out; new budget to be tabled in November 

Barkettes to honour Tartan Crab with free concert at Memorial Pond

By

Tartan Crab Memorial Pond

The Tartan Crab Memorial Pond: site of the Barkettes’ free concert this Spring

Thisbe and the Barkettes will honour the Tartan Crab this Spring by holding a free concert at the memorial pond that bears his name.

In a statement released this morning, the group’s manager Hilde Blaft confirmed that the group made a specific request that a free concert be held at the Pond to honour the victim of The Park’s most famous unsolved murder.

The Tartan Crab, who was Nestor’s pet, was brutally murdered eleven years ago and his body was found on the walkway in front of the Reek-o-Rama. Although several Animals, the majority of whom were Canines, were brought in for questioning, Police still have no idea who the perpetrator of the crime was.

Nestor, whom some regard as The Park’s greatest poet. never spoke of the murder and declined to be interviewed over the course of his life.

A date has not yet been set for the concert at the Tartan Crab Memorial Pond.

See also:
Tartan Crab found ripped to pieces; Domestic Dogs held for questioning
New evidence emerges in Crab murder investigation

Groundhog Day roundup: Record turnout, new budget in the works

By

Walmond Murmeltier

2015 POPS Walmond Murmeltier emerges from his burrow on February 2

It was a groundbreaking celebration, in more ways than one. Here are a few tidbits to round up the day:

  • According to the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, this year’s official Groundhog Day event was the best attended in Park history. A record number of Animals, ranging in age from newborn Bears to some of our oldest reptile citizens, graced us with their presence
  • For the first time in over a decade, ill health kept chief organizer Wyatt Whistlepig, Jr. from the celebrations. In his stead, Oscar Woodchuck did a fine job
  • Eight different food providers staffed the food stations
  • This was the first Groundhog Day celebration that included a dance choreographed specifically for the event by Herman Stoat
  • For the first time in the history of the event, a short play was performed by the Working Wounded Performing Arts Company
  • The Archons’ Address lasted 17 minutes and included a tribute to Jor, the founder of zoocracy
  • The 2015 Archons promised to bring in a budget in the first two months of their tenure and to make the issue of inequality among the species a priority
  • The Park’s Early Risers hosted their own after-party and Animals partied into the late morning hours of February 3
  • Twenty-one injuries were reported as a result of the celebration. Four Animals were taken to hospital and seventeen were treated on-site

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

December 2025
M T W T F S S
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
293031