The Mammalian Daily

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Pro-election group finds support in esteemed director Douglas Cheetah

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Douglas Cheetah

Free elections are the only way to combat inequality in The Park: Douglas Cheetah

The Coalition Against Sortition in The Park (CASP) now has an ally in the person of award-winning film director, Douglas Cheetah.

In a statement released this morning by Cheetah himself, he says that he has come to the “sad conclusion” that the only path to true equality among the species is the establishment of free elections to choose the members of The Park’s governing body (the 35 Archons who serve a one-year term).

“I had always hoped otherwise, but it appears that we have let tensions among the different species interfere with our good sense. The only way that I can see to stop the ongoing erosion of the principles of zoocracy is to establish a system in which we choose our leaders directly,” he says.

Although CASP president Antoine Lézard claims he was “stunned” by Cheetah’s announcement, media-watchers say they saw it coming, after Cheetah sat down for an interview last month with Toro Talk Radio host Yannis Tavros. In that interview, they say, Cheetah hinted at his change of allegiance.

“Speaking on behalf of a beleaguered group, that is striped and spotted Animals,” Cheetah said to Tavros, “I believe there are political solutions to the problems that, in the past, we have been too timid to consider,” he said.

Although he refused to elaborate on his thoughts during that interview, many believed that Cheetah was advocating the end of sortition.

CASP’s Lézard, who is himself a striped Animal, says he believes that Cheetah’s “realization” will influence many Park Animals to seriously consider the issue.

“We all understand what a very difficult situation we are in, since sortition was the method of governing that our founder, Jor, established. But we may have reached the point at which we have to consider other options. The Park has matured in the many years since zoocracy was established, but our political system has not kept pace,” he says.

Food insecurity to become Park Animals’ biggest challenge: DWBS

By

Park Raccoon

Food outside The Park will soon become harder to find: DWBS

BREAKING NEWS
Food insecurity is the next big challenge Park Animals will face, according to a report released today by The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS).

At a press conference held at his office this morning, DWBS Director of Public Relations Cornelius Kakapo discussed the findings of the new report, “Sources of Sustenance.”

According to the report, which was commissioned two years ago by the Archons and the DWBS, sources of food for Park Animals will become scarcer in the next few years. The report cites a number of reasons for this finding, chief among them the “increasing ingenuity displayed by the Human species.”

“It is our sad duty to report that the Human species is more intelligent than previously believed. It has developed ingenious tools to hide and, therefore, hoard its food. There will come a time in the not too distant future when our success in sourcing food outside The Park will depend mainly on Human error,” the report concludes.

Humans are not the only reason for the prediction of food shortages, though. Other reasons cited in the report include weather changes, imprudent planning, budget shortages, and lack of innovation in food sourcing.

“We have relied too heavily on old methods of gathering food,” Kakapo said the report warned. “We are at a crossroads and we need to encourage innovation in this area.”

While the report may appear to paint a bleak picture of The Park’s future ability to fulfil its own food requirements, Kakapo cautioned against seeing it as entirely negative.

“New technology, such as TulipTracker, BulbBeacon and other applications demonstrate that the ingenuity of Park Animals is equal to the task. We have faith in our own intelligence and our ability to deal with these upcoming challenges,” he said.

Court date set, SplotchWatch owner Raimundo Zorro to face three charges

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Raimundo Zorro

Raimundo Zorro, SplotchWatch owner

BREAKING NEWS
Raimundo Zorro, the owner and operator of the controversial web site, “SplotchWatch,” appeared before Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon this afternoon in The Park’s Superior Court, where he was formally charged with two counts of “inciting hate” and one count of “inciting discord.”

According to his lawyer, Pernilla Varghund, the former charges refer to the intent of his web site; the latter charge refers to its effect.

The SplotchWatch web site names Animals who have had their spots or stripes removed. Zorro claims he provides this service in the interest of openness and honesty.

Varghund, a junior partner in The Park’s oldest law firm, Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd, spoke on behalf of her client during the proceedings. Zorro pleaded not guilty to all charges. A court date has been set for June 25.

Outside the courtroom, in the middle of the media frenzy, Zorro stopped to greet a few Animals whom he said were his supporters. Not long after, he was whisked away by his lawyer, who told attending media that he was unlikely to appear again in public before his trial.

Fowl Ball organizers on second annual event: “We are all systems go!”

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Fowl Ball

This year’s Fowl Ball will be bigger and better than the first, organizers promise

The bands have been booked, the food’s been arranged, and the items that will appear on the auction block are awe-inspiring.

“We are all systems go!,” says Rafael Ortega, the event’s chief organizer.

With a year’s experience under his beak and already having dealt with a difficult situation (last year’s grooming house stampede), Ortega says he’s ready for anything but “expecting nothing out of the ordinary” this year.

“This year will make last year look like it was a rehearsal,” he says, as he struts around his office.

Claiming that he has “assurances” from The Park’s grooming houses that they’re prepared for the onslaught of pre-Ball customers, he says he can relax for a week or two before gearing up again in May.

“There is no chance that we will see a repeat of last year’s tragedy,” he states firmly. “We had no idea how successful the event would be in its inaugural year, nor how hungry Park Animals were for a more formal post-Winter celebration.”

Indeed, he believes, this year’s attendance should be even higher, given the difficult Winter The Park experienced this year.

“We’re looking forward to higher numbers, more fun, and even more funding for the cause of Avian aid,” he says.

The Park’s second annual Fowl Ball will take place on Sunday, May 31, 2015. Tickets go on sale April 15 and will be available at all Park retailers, as well as at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre. 

Barkettes donate original Stuffed Dogs Don’t Shed sheet music to Park Museum

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Stuffed Dogs won't shed…or be forgotten

Stuffed Dogs won’t shed…or be forgotten

It’s the song that launched their career and now they’ve ensured that it will live on forever.

Thisbe and the Barkettes announced today that they will donate the original sheet music plus several early drafts of the lyrics of Stuffed Dogs Don’t Shed to The Park Museum.

In a statement released this morning, the band’s manager Hilde Blaft confirmed that the Barkettes had been in talks with the museum “for some time” and had finally reached an agreement regarding the song.

“This is a very emotional and meaningful donation,” Blaft said. “Stuffed Dogs marked a turning point in the Barkettes’ career and they’ve always had a deep fondness for the song.”

Canine Music Association president, R.F. Aarrf applauded the announcement, saying the donation would not only “cement” the band’s place in The Park’s musical history, but that it would help to bring our rich cultural life to the attention of the Archons and the Park Finance Office.

“Years of underfunding have taken their toll,” Aarrf said recently. “We need to be more supportive of our cultural community.”

The Barkettes, whose performing hiatus of several years ended a few months ago, are scheduled to begin their “Bring Your Own Bone” tour next month. Their first concert will be held at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre on Friday, May 8, 2015.

Read The Park Museum’s announcement here.

PFO head Valentina Abeja: “A budget is a very emotional thing.”

By

Valentina Abeja

Park Finance Office head Valentina Abeja

Speaking candidly in an interview with Toro Talk Radio’s Yannis Tavros on Monday, the head of the Park Finance Office explained the delay in tabling a 2015 budget:

“A budget is a very emotional thing,” said Valentina Abeja, whose two-year tenure as PFO head began February 15.

“A budget speaks to every Animal’s priorities and hopes for the future, every Animal’s identification with its own species and our collective desires for all Park citizens. The PFO head needs to be mindful of the needs and aspirations of each and every one, while acknowledging the immense diversity of The Park’s citizenry.”

Asked whether the delay in tabling a budget would affect The Park’s economy, Abeja’s demeanour changed dramatically, from one of openness to one that Tavros later described as “more befitting a leader.”

“I can tell you that we have in no way jeopardized The Park’s economy by our thoughtfulness and caution,” she said bluntly. “I have tremendous faith in the resilience of our economy and in our citizenry,” she concluded.

Holstein Fashion lends its support to The Park’s striped and spotted citizens

By

Holstein Fashion

Holstein Fashion: new EQUALSS charity supports striped and spotted Animals

Holstein Fashion, the parent company of Designs by Holstein, is lending its name and support to The Park’s striped and spotted Animals, it was announced today.

In a post on the company’s web site, Balbina Ko, the President and CEO of Holstein Fashion, explained the company’s bold move:

“Our company ‘Designs by Holstein’ owes a great deal of its success to our striped and spotted customers, whom we love and respect. For that reason, among many more, we feel we cannot in all conscience profit from our spots while ignoring the plight of others with spots and stripes.

To that end, we have established the charity we call EQUALSS. The goal of our charity is to support the full equality of striped and spotted Animals (as well as others) in The Park. We sincerely hope all Park Animals will join us in this endeavour.”

In an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning, Ko explained the driving force behind the company’s decision.

“As a company, we’ve always supported the equality of all species in The Park. After all, that’s the foundation of zoocracy. But recent events and the establishment of that horrid web site [SplotchWatch] made us realize that we could be far more vocal about our support than we have been. So, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to play a leading rôle in the business community and we hope others will join us,” she said.

Ko said the company’s first move will be the production of a line of striped and spotted coats, socks, and boots.

“The design has been finalized and we expect to be able to begin production this month,” she said.

Proceeds from the sale of these items will go to a special EQUALSS fund that will aid the striped and spotted in finding employment, as well as in fighting the discrimination that has been well-documented over the past few years.

“Footpad Heaven has already signed on to stock this new line and we are currently negotiating with a number of other Park shops to do the same,” Ko confirmed.

“We also have a commitment from Appaloosa Legal Services and we are trying to bring the Extinction Anxiety Clinic staff on board as well,” the CEO said.

In addition to the outerwear initiative, Ko said her company plans to become “actively involved” in The Park’s Stereotype Sundays, perhaps producing what she calls a “learning tool” for the weekly occasion.

“We are looking very seriously at that,” she said. “If Animals volunteered to spend a day in the coat of a striped or spotted Animal, perhaps they’d think a bit differently about the issue afterwards.”

Tickets for first Barkettes’ “Bring Your Own Bone” concert go on sale today

By

Barkettes ticket

NEWS FLASH!
Chew on this: Ticket sales for the first concert in Thisbe and the Barkettes’ ” Bring Your Own Bone,” tour go on sale at 10:00 a.m. this morning at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre.

In a text sent this morning at 6:00 a.m., the band’s manager Hilde Blaft confirmed that the first batch of tickets will be available for purchase today.

“Overjoyed to announce 1st concert date May8@Ancient Open-Air Theatre. Tix on sale@10 am.,” the text read.

The tour, presented by Iglu Entertainment, includes four concerts in The Park: two at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre, one at the Wishing Well and one at the Tartan Crab Memorial Pond. The Tartan Crab Memorial Pond concert will be free of charge.

Dates for the remaining three concerts have not yet been announced.

Gossip site: SplotchWatch site shut down, owner arrested this morning

By

headsNtalesThe controversial web site SplotchWatch has been shut down and its owner arrested, according to the gossip site headsNtales.

In a 10.00 a.m. posting, the gossip site said it had confirmation from The Park Police Force’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) that Raimundo Zorro, the site’s owner, was being held in custody until a court date was set.

The Mammalian Daily reported in December that Zorro’s site had been under police surveillance for almost six months. At the time, Park Police were not releasing the name of the site’s owner.

“Its only purpose, as far as we can tell, is to name Animals who have had their spots or stripes removed,” the SHCU’s Chief Inspector Maurice Addax said at the time.

Zorro, a disgruntled former journalist, writes on his web site that he believes it is in the interest of  “openness and honesty” to let Park Animals know who among them has altered their appearance.

The Park’s grooming house community publicly took issue with that belief, but police said they had no intention of acting against Zorro unless the site explicitly encouraged hatred or violence toward any Animal or group of Animals.

Numerous reports and studies have indicated that striped and spotted Animals do not receive equal treatment in The Park. In the Autumn newsletter of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), the major grooming houses reported that stripe removal was their most sought-after service. Calling it a “disturbing trend,” they said the number of completed procedures had increased 190% in the past two years.

Head nurse heads to UWT School of Medicine as part-time faculty member

By

Hermione Hippo

Newly-minted UWT Assistant Professor Hermione Hippo

Nurse Hermione Hippo is about to become Professor Hermione Hippo.

The veteran Park health professional and current head nurse at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm has been invited to join the faculty at the University of West Terrier School of Medicine on a part-time basis as an Assistant Professor.

In an announcement posted yesterday on the University’s web site, the President and Governors said Hermione would be a “great asset” to the student body.

“A nurse and healer both by nature and vocation, Hermione brings with her many fine qualities and a wealth of experience that will benefit UWT students,” the announcement went on to say.

Hermione Hippo’s nursing career began at a zoological garden south of The Park. After she arrived in The Park, she immediately found employment with Dr. Bourru. In 2004, she accepted the position of head nurse at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, where she will continue to work. Among her credits are the containment of Small Ball Fever in 2007 and of Tulip-Related Illness in 2013.

Read the University’s full announcement here.

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