The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Court date set, SplotchWatch owner Raimundo Zorro to face three charges

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Raimundo Zorro

Raimundo Zorro, SplotchWatch owner

BREAKING NEWS
Raimundo Zorro, the owner and operator of the controversial web site, “SplotchWatch,” appeared before Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon this afternoon in The Park’s Superior Court, where he was formally charged with two counts of “inciting hate” and one count of “inciting discord.”

According to his lawyer, Pernilla Varghund, the former charges refer to the intent of his web site; the latter charge refers to its effect.

The SplotchWatch web site names Animals who have had their spots or stripes removed. Zorro claims he provides this service in the interest of openness and honesty.

Varghund, a junior partner in The Park’s oldest law firm, Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd, spoke on behalf of her client during the proceedings. Zorro pleaded not guilty to all charges. A court date has been set for June 25.

Outside the courtroom, in the middle of the media frenzy, Zorro stopped to greet a few Animals whom he said were his supporters. Not long after, he was whisked away by his lawyer, who told attending media that he was unlikely to appear again in public before his trial.

Fowl Ball organizers on second annual event: “We are all systems go!”

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Fowl Ball

This year’s Fowl Ball will be bigger and better than the first, organizers promise

The bands have been booked, the food’s been arranged, and the items that will appear on the auction block are awe-inspiring.

“We are all systems go!,” says Rafael Ortega, the event’s chief organizer.

With a year’s experience under his beak and already having dealt with a difficult situation (last year’s grooming house stampede), Ortega says he’s ready for anything but “expecting nothing out of the ordinary” this year.

“This year will make last year look like it was a rehearsal,” he says, as he struts around his office.

Claiming that he has “assurances” from The Park’s grooming houses that they’re prepared for the onslaught of pre-Ball customers, he says he can relax for a week or two before gearing up again in May.

“There is no chance that we will see a repeat of last year’s tragedy,” he states firmly. “We had no idea how successful the event would be in its inaugural year, nor how hungry Park Animals were for a more formal post-Winter celebration.”

Indeed, he believes, this year’s attendance should be even higher, given the difficult Winter The Park experienced this year.

“We’re looking forward to higher numbers, more fun, and even more funding for the cause of Avian aid,” he says.

The Park’s second annual Fowl Ball will take place on Sunday, May 31, 2015. Tickets go on sale April 15 and will be available at all Park retailers, as well as at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre. 

Barkettes donate original Stuffed Dogs Don’t Shed sheet music to Park Museum

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Stuffed Dogs won't shed…or be forgotten

Stuffed Dogs won’t shed…or be forgotten

It’s the song that launched their career and now they’ve ensured that it will live on forever.

Thisbe and the Barkettes announced today that they will donate the original sheet music plus several early drafts of the lyrics of Stuffed Dogs Don’t Shed to The Park Museum.

In a statement released this morning, the band’s manager Hilde Blaft confirmed that the Barkettes had been in talks with the museum “for some time” and had finally reached an agreement regarding the song.

“This is a very emotional and meaningful donation,” Blaft said. “Stuffed Dogs marked a turning point in the Barkettes’ career and they’ve always had a deep fondness for the song.”

Canine Music Association president, R.F. Aarrf applauded the announcement, saying the donation would not only “cement” the band’s place in The Park’s musical history, but that it would help to bring our rich cultural life to the attention of the Archons and the Park Finance Office.

“Years of underfunding have taken their toll,” Aarrf said recently. “We need to be more supportive of our cultural community.”

The Barkettes, whose performing hiatus of several years ended a few months ago, are scheduled to begin their “Bring Your Own Bone” tour next month. Their first concert will be held at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre on Friday, May 8, 2015.

Read The Park Museum’s announcement here.

PFO head Valentina Abeja: “A budget is a very emotional thing.”

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Valentina Abeja

Park Finance Office head Valentina Abeja

Speaking candidly in an interview with Toro Talk Radio’s Yannis Tavros on Monday, the head of the Park Finance Office explained the delay in tabling a 2015 budget:

“A budget is a very emotional thing,” said Valentina Abeja, whose two-year tenure as PFO head began February 15.

“A budget speaks to every Animal’s priorities and hopes for the future, every Animal’s identification with its own species and our collective desires for all Park citizens. The PFO head needs to be mindful of the needs and aspirations of each and every one, while acknowledging the immense diversity of The Park’s citizenry.”

Asked whether the delay in tabling a budget would affect The Park’s economy, Abeja’s demeanour changed dramatically, from one of openness to one that Tavros later described as “more befitting a leader.”

“I can tell you that we have in no way jeopardized The Park’s economy by our thoughtfulness and caution,” she said bluntly. “I have tremendous faith in the resilience of our economy and in our citizenry,” she concluded.

Holstein Fashion lends its support to The Park’s striped and spotted citizens

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Holstein Fashion

Holstein Fashion: new EQUALSS charity supports striped and spotted Animals

Holstein Fashion, the parent company of Designs by Holstein, is lending its name and support to The Park’s striped and spotted Animals, it was announced today.

In a post on the company’s web site, Balbina Ko, the President and CEO of Holstein Fashion, explained the company’s bold move:

“Our company ‘Designs by Holstein’ owes a great deal of its success to our striped and spotted customers, whom we love and respect. For that reason, among many more, we feel we cannot in all conscience profit from our spots while ignoring the plight of others with spots and stripes.

To that end, we have established the charity we call EQUALSS. The goal of our charity is to support the full equality of striped and spotted Animals (as well as others) in The Park. We sincerely hope all Park Animals will join us in this endeavour.”

In an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio this morning, Ko explained the driving force behind the company’s decision.

“As a company, we’ve always supported the equality of all species in The Park. After all, that’s the foundation of zoocracy. But recent events and the establishment of that horrid web site [SplotchWatch] made us realize that we could be far more vocal about our support than we have been. So, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to play a leading rôle in the business community and we hope others will join us,” she said.

Ko said the company’s first move will be the production of a line of striped and spotted coats, socks, and boots.

“The design has been finalized and we expect to be able to begin production this month,” she said.

Proceeds from the sale of these items will go to a special EQUALSS fund that will aid the striped and spotted in finding employment, as well as in fighting the discrimination that has been well-documented over the past few years.

“Footpad Heaven has already signed on to stock this new line and we are currently negotiating with a number of other Park shops to do the same,” Ko confirmed.

“We also have a commitment from Appaloosa Legal Services and we are trying to bring the Extinction Anxiety Clinic staff on board as well,” the CEO said.

In addition to the outerwear initiative, Ko said her company plans to become “actively involved” in The Park’s Stereotype Sundays, perhaps producing what she calls a “learning tool” for the weekly occasion.

“We are looking very seriously at that,” she said. “If Animals volunteered to spend a day in the coat of a striped or spotted Animal, perhaps they’d think a bit differently about the issue afterwards.”

Tickets for first Barkettes’ “Bring Your Own Bone” concert go on sale today

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Barkettes ticket

NEWS FLASH!
Chew on this: Ticket sales for the first concert in Thisbe and the Barkettes’ ” Bring Your Own Bone,” tour go on sale at 10:00 a.m. this morning at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre.

In a text sent this morning at 6:00 a.m., the band’s manager Hilde Blaft confirmed that the first batch of tickets will be available for purchase today.

“Overjoyed to announce 1st concert date May8@Ancient Open-Air Theatre. Tix on sale@10 am.,” the text read.

The tour, presented by Iglu Entertainment, includes four concerts in The Park: two at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre, one at the Wishing Well and one at the Tartan Crab Memorial Pond. The Tartan Crab Memorial Pond concert will be free of charge.

Dates for the remaining three concerts have not yet been announced.

Gossip site: SplotchWatch site shut down, owner arrested this morning

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headsNtalesThe controversial web site SplotchWatch has been shut down and its owner arrested, according to the gossip site headsNtales.

In a 10.00 a.m. posting, the gossip site said it had confirmation from The Park Police Force’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU) that Raimundo Zorro, the site’s owner, was being held in custody until a court date was set.

The Mammalian Daily reported in December that Zorro’s site had been under police surveillance for almost six months. At the time, Park Police were not releasing the name of the site’s owner.

“Its only purpose, as far as we can tell, is to name Animals who have had their spots or stripes removed,” the SHCU’s Chief Inspector Maurice Addax said at the time.

Zorro, a disgruntled former journalist, writes on his web site that he believes it is in the interest of  “openness and honesty” to let Park Animals know who among them has altered their appearance.

The Park’s grooming house community publicly took issue with that belief, but police said they had no intention of acting against Zorro unless the site explicitly encouraged hatred or violence toward any Animal or group of Animals.

Numerous reports and studies have indicated that striped and spotted Animals do not receive equal treatment in The Park. In the Autumn newsletter of the Park Association of Shops and Services (PASS), the major grooming houses reported that stripe removal was their most sought-after service. Calling it a “disturbing trend,” they said the number of completed procedures had increased 190% in the past two years.

Head nurse heads to UWT School of Medicine as part-time faculty member

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Hermione Hippo

Newly-minted UWT Assistant Professor Hermione Hippo

Nurse Hermione Hippo is about to become Professor Hermione Hippo.

The veteran Park health professional and current head nurse at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm has been invited to join the faculty at the University of West Terrier School of Medicine on a part-time basis as an Assistant Professor.

In an announcement posted yesterday on the University’s web site, the President and Governors said Hermione would be a “great asset” to the student body.

“A nurse and healer both by nature and vocation, Hermione brings with her many fine qualities and a wealth of experience that will benefit UWT students,” the announcement went on to say.

Hermione Hippo’s nursing career began at a zoological garden south of The Park. After she arrived in The Park, she immediately found employment with Dr. Bourru. In 2004, she accepted the position of head nurse at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, where she will continue to work. Among her credits are the containment of Small Ball Fever in 2007 and of Tulip-Related Illness in 2013.

Read the University’s full announcement here.

Look what’s coming up!

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Put this on your calendarThere are some big events coming up in the Spring. Put these on your calendar for the next few weeks:

March 29: The Park’s semi-annual “Shakeoff”
“If you have a coat, share it with those who don’t.”
Formerly the “Shake for Charity,” this semi-annual event aids those who have no coat. The Shakeoff also offers free grooming and refreshments to participants.

March 30: Tulip season
Yes, it’s that time of year already. But if you’re not yet prepared, stay tuned to The Mammalian Daily for some helpful tips in locating your favourite Springtime bulbs.

April 8-10: The Broop ‘n Miaow’s annual “Broopee Days”
Are you a Broopee? We’re all Broopees during the Broop ‘n Miaow’s annual Broopee Days! Try the super-specials in April and don’t forget the instant win contests!

April 15: Footpad Heaven Clearance Sale
Don’t be a slave to style! Even though it may be last year’s stock, FH’s Toepads, Footpads and other clearance accoutrement are brand new. Indulge yourself at half the price!

DWBS to Polar Bears’ Poetry Picnickers: Watch out for Frozen Nose Syndrome

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Frozen Nose Syndrome (FNS) affects one on four Animals, says the DWBS

The Department of Well-Being and Safety has issued a warning to those attending this year’s Polar Bears’ Poetry Picnic: watch out for Frozen Nose Syndrome (FNS).[pullquote]Last year, it was soggy bottoms. This year, it’s frozen noses. There are always challenges.—Seymour K. Worthington Polar Bear, chief organizer, Polar Bears’ Poetry Picnic[/pullquote]

“This year’s extended Winter season, coupled with the extreme cold, has led to a marked increase in the number of FNS cases,” said a DWBS communiqué issued this morning.

The communiqué advised attendees to be on the lookout for these symptoms:

  1. Pain or loss of feeling in the nose area
  2. Inability to breathe through the nose
  3. Hyperventilation
  4. Frozen gums and toothache (due to extended mouth-breathing)
  5. Loss of consciousness

The communiqué advised Animals experiencing any of these symptoms to leave the picnic and to find a warm place to stay or, in extreme cases, to head to the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm.

But Picnic organizers don’t believe that hospitalization will prove necessary. They say they’re confident they have enough medical and emergency staff on hand to handle any FNS crisis.

“Every year presents its challenges,” said the event’s chief organizer Seymour K. Worthington Polar Bear at a press conference yesterday.

“Last year, it was soggy bottoms. This year, it’s frozen noses. But, rest assured, we are looking out for all picnickers, attendees and poets alike. We have trained medical and emergency staff on hand as well as warming stations and hot food and drink. No Animal suffering from FNS, or even from cold for that matter, will go untreated,” he said.

Polar Bear, who  is currently serving the final year of his three-year term, said he was confident that attendance levels would not be affected by this year’s extreme weather.

“We have talented poets in our lineup and such a wonderful, loyal audience. My guess is they’ll all come prepared for a cold but great picnic,” he said.

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