The Mammalian Daily

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Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

OTD in 2015—ZEAL backs out of performance at Celebration of the Winter Solstice

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ZEALAttendees at this year’s Celebration of the Winter Solstice will not have the opportunity to enjoy ZEAL’s music live.

In a communiqué issued this morning, The Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations announced that the popular Park singer has backed out of his commitment to perform at December’s festivities.

“We regret to announce that ZEAL will not be performing at this year’s Celebration of the Winter Solstice,” the communiqué said.

While the department’s announcement gave no reason for the cancellation, a post on ZEAL’s web site said “unforeseen conflicts” had “made it impossible” for him to perform at the celebrations this year.

In a follow-up statement, Aintza Kanariar, the department’s Director of Public Relations, said that while she regrets ZEAL’s withdrawal from the celebration, “We do have a stellar lineup to offer that includes musical performers, dancers, and many other artists of the highest calibre. We wish ZEAL well in his endeavours and we hope he will be able to join us at future celebrations.”

The Celebration of the Winter Solstice begins at sunrise on Monday, December 21. Food will be served until 11:00 pm. The Solstice will occur at 11:49 pm Local Park Time (LPT).

OTD in 2015—DWBS warns against stripe removal

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Think SafetyThe Department of Well-Being and Safety is warning Park Animals against the practice of stripe removal.

In a communiqué released today, the department advised Animals to be “cautious and thoughtful” before they make the decision to remove stripes and spots from their coats.

“While the practice of stripe removal may have its origins in a perceived necessity or to a lesser extent, fashion, the Department of Well-Being and Safety is concerned that it may lead to serious health and safety issues down the road,” the department says in the communiqué.

“Animals should never forget the origins of their [physical] makeup. Stripes and spots are an essential part of who you are. If you remove them, you put yourself at risk, particularly if you venture outside The Park. There, you will have neither the advantage of natural camouflage nor the protection of zoocracy. The possibility exists that you will fall prey to enemies,” the communiqué concludes.

The department’s strong statement comes in response to recently published statistics that show stripe removal to be the most sought-after service offered by The Park’s grooming houses.

OTD in 2013—Police close in on abductors of Marmot wrestling team

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Marmot Wrestling Team logo


Marmot wrestling team logo.

Park Police say they are closing in on the abductors of the Marmot wrestling team, which went missing during the 2013 Interspecial Summer Games.

No member of the team has been seen since September 26. Police were called to investigate when the team failed to show up on September 27 for the wrestling competition, which they were favoured to win. At that time, Police reported they had found evidence of a struggle and possible abduction. They later confirmed they had elevated the investigation to that of an abduction after a review of the evidence. That evidence included a trail of hair that led outside The Park and a small pile of shavings that they believe came from a wooden box.

In a short statement released this morning, Inspector Antonia T. Fossa of the Interspecial Investigations Unit (IIU) said her officers believe they have located the hiding place outside The Park that was chosen by the team’s abductors.

The IIU, which is an independent division of the Police force’s Specist and Hate Crimes Unit (SHCU), joined the investigation in mid-October, when the SHCU determined definitively that the abduction was an interspecial crime. The IIU’s mandate is to investigate “all occurrences in which the suggestion of specist intent is present.”

No motive for the crime has been determined as yet, a spokesAnimal for SHCU Chief Inspector Maurice Addax told The Mammalian Daily.

“Our concern at the moment is for the team,” the spokesAnimal said. “We will be able to determine more about the motive after we have the abductors in custody and the team members are safe and back in their homes.”

Concern for the well-being of the team grows every day, the spokesAnimal said, since they should already have gone into hibernation.

“Every day that they are away and, presumably, conscious, the risk to them grows greater. That is why we are hoping for a positive outcome very soon,” he said.

OTD in 2015—Hieronymous Hedgehog to tweet during hibernation via Keeper of the Tweets

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Hieronymous twitter account

Click image above to follow Hieronymous on Twitter during hibernation.

Move over, Keeper of the Nut. Hieronymous Hedgehog has a Keeper of the Tweets.

The Hedgehog, who was sworn in November 2 as The Park’s first Official Hibernation Ambassador, left little to chance, it appears, when he went into hibernation on November 17.

In fact, what he left was eleven weeks’ worth of tweets on the subject of hibernation, including the details of preparation and what life underground is really like.

“He took his duties very seriously, particularly those related to educating non-hibernators, and he was dismayed that the position was created so late in the year,” said Chief Archon Abayomi Cuckoo, who appointed the Hedgehog in late October. The position carries a term of five years.

The Chief Archon said they spoke on a number of occasions about the time crunch and the need for Hieronymous to prepare for his own hibernation while leaving time to attend to his new duties, including hosting Q&A sessions on Twitter.

“I told him to resume his duties full-time in the Spring and not to worry about it. But he wanted a more concrete solution to the problem,” she said.

Enter The Park’s oldest hibernation outfitters, GoUnderground, for whom Hieronymous is a spokesAnimal.

“He was facing a deadline in every sense of the word and I told him that whatever we could do to help, we would,” says Nafari Bongo, GoUnderground’s Director of Sales.

The solution they came up with was for Hieronymous to take a few days and dictate everything he wanted to say about hibernation this year. Then, they’d hire another Animal to send the info as tweets throughout the Winter.

“Hieronymous was thrilled with that solution. He kept saying, ‘Brilliant! Brilliant!’ And his enthusiasm was infectious. We all got into it and made suggestions about topics and questions that non-hibernators might have,” Bongo says.

The hibernation outfitter then discreetly placed an ad for a non-hibernator to take over the Twitter account for twelve weeks.

“We found the perfect tweeter and we’re almost ready to go live,” he says. But the identity of that tweeter will be kept under wraps until the Spring.

As for Hieronymous, we wish him a happy hibernation and we look forward to seeing him again on Groundhog Day.

“Under and out, as he might say,” laughs Bongo.

OTD in 2016—Archons unveil plans for celebration of 35th anniversary of zoocracy

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35-plus-borderThis January, The Park will begin a year-long celebration of our thirty-five years of Animal self-rule, the Archons announced today.

At a press conference this morning, Chief Archon Abayomi Tanishia Cuckoo revealed some of the plans that she said have been underway for a couple of years—and through several sets of Archons.

“This was the first file that our transition team was handed,” she said, “and we were the third set of Archons to work on it.”

And, according to Cuckoo, they will not be the last. The 2016 Archons, whose tenure ends in mid-January, will hand over the celebration’s reins to the next group of Archons.

“It would have been unfair not to allow them to contribute to a celebration of which they will be so much a part,” she said.

The plans announced today include art gallery and museum exhibitions, the publication of commemorative books and photographs, concerts, and a large number of public celebrations, full of, as Cuckoo put it, “great food and fun.”

“We’ve worked with institutions and groups including the Park Historical Society, the University of West Terrier, the Institute for the Study of Mammalian Life, and, of course, The Park Museum, to bring a wide range of experience and views to the celebration of our lives under zoocracy. But, now, we’re inviting our citizens, the great Animals who have made The Park a successful zoocracy, to share their ideas,” she said.

To this end, Cuckoo announced that the Archons, in conjunction with the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, will host a dedicated web site to collect Park citizens’ thoughts, memories, and celebration ideas. More information on the site will be forthcoming.

“This will be a celebration of and for all,” she said.

OTD in 2011—Police call for calm after specist handbook discovered in Park

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The Archons of The Park, in conjunction with the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW) have issued a call for calm throughout The Park after the discovery of what appears to be a specist handbook.

The book, which was discovered under the Ancient Oak Tree early this morning, is written in the Human English language, experts say. Language specialists at the University of West Terrier are currently studying the book and its contents. In a statement issued at midday, they said they plan to make a full report to the Archons as soon as they have completed their study.

The book was discovered by Rodnina Owl, police confirmed. The Owl was reportedly eating a snack in the Tree, when she noticed something shiny at the base.

“The glossy cover caught my eye and I swooped down to see what it was,” she said in an interview on PBC  Radio late this morning. “I was shocked when they told me what it said.” The Owl does not speak any Human languages.

In their appeal for calm, the Archons emphasized the need for patience on the part of Park Animals.

Two hours after the Archons issued their appeal, Balthasar Alouatta, press secretary to the Archons, fielded questions from residents and media. The major concerns were for Animal security, with many calling for barricades and some suggesting pre-emptive strikes. Calls for an all-out war, fuelled by rumours that Humans intend to take over The Park, were quickly dismissed by FCSW President, Gareth Shepherd.

“We cannot afford to react until we know the full extent of the assault,” said Shepherd.

OTD in 2015—Harmonious Hannah found in dumpster

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Harmonious HannahDEVELOPING STORY
Harmonious Hannah has been found.

According to Park Police, the oversized stuffed toy was recovered early this morning from a dumpster outside The Park.

Hannah, together with her partner, Harmonious Humphrey, constituted the “harmonious pair” that the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) introduced in July in an initiative to foster insterspecial harmony among youth.

Hannah had been missing since September 13, when she disappeared from her usual Stereotype Sunday spot. According to reports, she was last seen sitting with three young Elephants and a newborn Giraffe. Her partner, Harmonious Humphrey, has since represented the pair at each week’s Stereotype Sunday.

In a brief communiqué this morning, Park Police said a Park citizen alerted them to the discovery at approximately three o’clock this morning.

“Subsequent to the alert, Park Police attended at the site of a dumpster approximately seventeen metres east of The Park. There, we encountered the stuffed toy known as ‘Harmonious Hannah.’  After a thorough investigation of the area, Hannah was taken into custody and is now undergoing tests at the Park Police Crime Laboratory,” the communiqué said.

Police are expected to hold a press conference on the matter later today.

OTD in 2016—”We must all come together now,” says newly-elected POPS Ditmar Bosmarmot

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Ditmar BosmarmotThe POPS election is over for this year and we must all come together now, Ditmar Bosmarmot told a massive crowd last night just minutes after he was declared the 2017 Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS).

“This has been a very difficult and contentious election. A lot of things have been said that can’t be taken back, so we must remember them and use them to make The Park a better and a more unified place,” he said.

As he and the six previous holders of the position encircled one of the farewell Trees of Hearts, Bosmarmot remarked that when he emerged again in February, zoocracy in The Park would be celebrating its thirty-fifth birthday.

“This will be a historic year for all of us,” he told the cheering crowd. “We should all be proud of ourselves for sustaining Animal self-rule against all odds. I look forward to continuing this journey with you after Groundhog Day.”

OTD in 2015—Trees of hearts line path as friends say “Au Revoir” to Park hibernators

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Tree of heartsThey say the road to hibernation is never smooth. But, yesterday, it was made a little brighter for Park Animals who will spend the Winter underground.

As Adelheid Whistlepig, the newly-elected Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), and other hibernators walked the path toward their burrows, they were greeted by a row of Maple Trees all decked out with paper hearts. Those hearts, fastened to the trees’ now bare branches, bore the well wishes of thousands of The Park’s non-hibernating citizens.

“I can’t begin to tell you what it meant to me,” said Kimbriella Marmot. “It’s a sad time of year for my family, even though we try to focus on renewal. I really appreciate the love and kindness demonstrated here.”

The Maple Tree Project, as it is now known, was initiated by Dewi Rhinoceros, a former Chief Archon who is now Chair of the Board of Directors of the Centre for Interspecial Harmony. All arrangements, including the signing of the hearts, were made at the Centre, Rhinoceros told The Mammalian Daily, and volunteers worked through the night to hang the hearts.

Malinda L. Hamster, president of The Park’s Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC), was visibly moved as she stopped to read the messages on each tree.

“Such a beautiful gesture,” she whispered.

That sentiment was echoed by hundreds of Park hibernators, many of whom posed for selfies in front of the trees.

Later, at a short ceremony, Ekeoma L. Girraaf, 2016 Keeper of the Nut, expressed his admiration for the hibernating community.

“I’m sure I’m not alone among non-hibernators when I say that I have the utmost respect and admiration for your community,” he said. “Hibernation is an act of faith that demonstrates the most profound belief in the future. May you be well for the next few months and emerge strong in the Spring.”

Then, in a spontaneous gesture, attendees showered Hieronymous Hedgehog with thunderous applause as he approached his burrow. The Park’s first Official Hibernation Ambassador paused to wave, then continued his descent.

OTD in 2016—Election Office scrambles to meet today’s deadline to declare a winner

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ballot-boxThe Park Election Office (PEO) is scrambling to count all the votes cast in the November 7 election for Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) by midnight tonight in order to announce a winner before the hibernating community takes its leave for the Winter.

In an early morning interview on TMD Radio,  PEO head Gerritt Wezel said he and his team would “do anything” to avoid the situation that occurred three years ago, when the vote counting took so long that hibernation had to be postponed for weeks.

“That took its toll on the whole Park, emotionally, as well as physically,” he said.

Wezel also confirmed that he’d asked the members of the Maple Tree Project, who organize the Tree of Hearts sendoff for hibernators, to postpone the hanging of the hearts until late in the afternoon. According to Wezel, former Chief Archon Dewi Rhinoceros, who initiated the project, agreed to hold off until about five o’clock.

The election results will be broadcast across all Park media as soon as they are known.

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