The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

On This Day—November 1, 2016: Administration gives go-ahead to police for “stop and sniff,” but only for Humans

By

FCSW President Gareth ShepherdIn a stunning reversal of policy, The Park’s administration has agreed to allow members of the Federation of Canine Security Workers (FCSW) to use a long-forbidden but popular policing technique known as “stop and sniff.”

At a press conference this afternoon, Pia Hyena, chief negotiator for Park administration, confirmed that as of November 14, members of the FCSW will be allowed to use the technique, but only on Humans.

“This new right does not come without restrictions,” Hyena said, emphasizing that the administration would come down hard on any FCSW member who used the technique on Park residents.

Following the announcement, FCWS president Gareth Shepherd said his members were “grateful” that the administration had changed its position and thus acknowledged the difficulty of policing in The Park.

“I think we’ve gotten through to them, finally,” he said, as he left the press conference with Hyena.

Still, there are those who see this new right as merely a concession to the FCSW, whose members have been campaigning for years for the right to bite and threatened bark-to-rule action if they did not attain it this year.

But in a statement issued last month regarding ongoing negotiations with the FCSW, Hyena said the right to bite was “never on the table.”

“I do, however, look forward to a continuing and friendly relationship with the federation,” she said.

On This Day—October 31, 2016: Beyond A Shadow Of A Doubt: Park Museum hosts first pop-up exhibit to honour POPS election process

By

beyond-a-shadow-of-a-doubt-for-park-museumIn celebration of this year’s POPS election season, The Park Museum will host a pop-up exhibit entitled, “Beyond A Shadow Of A Doubt.”

In an announcement yesterday afternoon, the museum’s Board of Governors said the multimedia exhibit is meant to honour the POPS election process as well as this year’s unconventional campaign.

The exhibit will showcase material related to the 2003 decision by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon to open the position of POPS to elections. It will also feature memorabilia from past campaigns, including posters, flyers, buttons, newspaper interviews, television and radio interviews, and recorded speeches.

This is the first pop-up exhibition hosted by the museum since its opening in March of 2015.

“Beyond A Shadow Of A Doubt” will run from 31 October until 17 November 2016.

On This Day—October 31, 2014: Park Animals may be predisposed to eating Human food: Noreen

By

Official NoreenWe shouldn’t judge Park Finance Officer Milton Struts too harshly if, in fact, he did accept an offer of food from Humans.

So writes Noreen, Mammalian Daily advice columnist and adjunct professor of Human Studies at the University of West Terrier, who begins a leave of absence tomorrow to promote her new book, Lovely To Look At.

In an open letter to be published this weekend on The Mammalian Daily web site, Noreen encourages Park citizens to be “tolerant of the effects that proximity to Humans has had on our population.”

“There is scientific evidence that has come to us from experiments performed at the University of West Terrier that indicates very strongly that the prolonged exposure to Humans experienced by Park Animals has had a profound effect on our senses, most notably our senses of smell and taste,” she writes.

It is not surprising, then, that we have developed a taste for Human food, despite its inferior quality and our limited ability to digest it.

“Time was, no Park Animal would even consider eating something a Human eats. But times have changed. Not only do we consider it, but many more of us than we realize actually do it. It is the ‘dirty little secret’ that many Animals will not speak about. Whether or not Mr. Struts did eat the food as has been reported, it opens up a dialogue that we should have had a long time ago.” she writes.

lovely-to-look-at-front-coverNoreen’s book, Lovely To Look At, will be published in early November.
Copies will be available for purchase at the Toronto International Book Fair (November 13-16) and on the publisher’s web site thereafter.

On This Day—October 29, 2015: Millicent Hayberry to star in new Gianfranco Colocolo mystery series

By

Millicent Hayberry Millicent Hayberry will ring in the new year by starting a new gig at the Burrow Theatre.

In a press communiqué today, the renowned actress announced that, beginning in mid-February, she will star in a series of mysteries by award-winning author Gianfranco Colocolo.

“I am very pleased to announce that 2016 will find me back onstage at the Burrow Theatre, in a series of mysteries by Gianfranco Colocolo, the award-winning author of Murder at the Fishbowl. I look forward to working with our brilliant director Jean-Luc Briard and the rest of the wonderful cast,” the communiqué said.

The Burrow Theatre confirmed that rehearsals for the first play begin on Monday.

“As Millicent is a hibernator, she will not be available after November 17, so we have to get going right away and use the time we have,” a spokesAnimal for the theatre said.

Hayberry, who is best known for her portrayal of author Imogen Aardeekhoorn in both the stage and screen productions of Mixed Nuts, is one of The Park’s early risers and, as such, she does not plan to return to her burrow after Groundhog Day. Instead, said the theatre’s spokesAnimal, “she expects to arrive here on February 3, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and ready to get back to work.”

On This Day—October 28, 2015: Hieronymous Hedgehog named Park’s first official Hibernation Ambassador

By

Hieronymous HedgehogHieronymous Hedgehog  has been chosen as The Park’s first official Hibernation Ambassador.

Chief Archon Abayomi Cuckoo made the announcement at a press event in front of the Wishing Well this morning.

With Hieronymous at her side, Cuckoo spoke briefly about the creation of the position and the responsibilities involved.

“This is by no means a ceremonial position,” she said emphatically. “After a series of consultations with a number of groups actively engaged in advocating for interspecial harmony, we Archons decided it was time to expand our own advocacy rôle beyond Stereotype Sundays,” she said.

The position, which has a term of five years, is the first of several that the Archons will be creating in the next few months until their term ends in January, Cuckoo told reporters.

The new Hibernation Ambassador will peform a variety of duties, with an emphasis on educating other Animals about hibernation and advocating for tolerance among species.

Hieronymous will be sworn in on the morning of Tuesday, November 2.

“We will have to keep the ceremony brief,” Cuckoo said. “He has a lot to do between then and November 17 [the official date of hibernation].”

On This Day—October 26, 2012: A call for calm as Archons outlaw Noon Nuttiness rioters

By

The Park’s Chief Officer of Peace called for calm this morning, after a special meeting of the Archons resulted in the outlawing of the group responsible for the Noon Nuttiness violence on October 4.

In a statement read at a hastily-convened press conference, Raymond H. Mink, Chief Officer of Peace, asked all Park residents to respect the decision of the Archons to outlaw membership in Realidad Incorporated.

“Our governing body has seen fit to take action against those who, in an ongoing way, seek to disturb the peaceful ambience of our Park. I would ask that all Park residents respect this decision and that those who take issue with it do so in a peaceful and calm manner, as per the laws of The Park,” the statement read in part.

The Archons’ decision comes four days after GooseBook announced that it has filed a suit for damages against the group, whose members destroyed hundreds of the cackle™–enabled devices the company had lent to a film festival audience. The audience members had assembled at the Park Cinema to view the comedy, Kribbles, which was screened as part of the Noon Nuttiness component of the Park Interspecial Film Festival (PIFF). Just as the film began, members of Realidad Incorporated grabbed the devices from audience members. The group later issued a statement explaining that their actions had been a protest against cackle™, a new “happy only” social networking site that is owned by GooseBook.

In a written statement released this afternoon, the Archons cited a number of factors that influenced their decision, including what they termed “an unprecedented degree of tension among Park citizens” and “the need to preserve peace at all costs throughout The Park”.

On This Day—October 24, 2014: Human diet “deadly” for all: Park nurse

By

Park General Hospital nurse Hermione HippoWhether or not, as has been alleged, Park Finance Officer Milton Struts accepted food from Humans, health care specialists are issuing a stern warning to Animals who might be tempted to try the food of The Park’s two-legged visitors.

“The Human diet can kill you,” says Hermione Hippo.

The veteran health professional and current head nurse at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm spoke bluntly and honestly in an interview on Mammalian Daily Radio yesterday afternoon.

“Human food is no longer real food. It is a deadly combination of chemicals and garbage and eating it will likely result in a number of health issues, not all of which are treatable,” she said.

The well-respected nurse went on to describe the processes that result in what she calls “barely recognizable forms of food” and “ingredients that are so filthy and ugly that I hesitate to mention them on-air.”

Hippo said problems arising from the consumption of Human food have been documented not just by health care workers, but by The Park’s top groomers and aestheticians, as well.

“We are even looking at the possibility that certain conditions, such as Bovine Lumpy Skin Disease, are caused by Human food [consumption]. Our fellow citizens should take care not to graze in areas that may have been used as picnic lands by visitors,” she said.

Hippo offered this advice to those who believe they inadvertently may have ingested Human food: go directly to your physician or to the hospital, she said.

“We have ways to treat this type of poisoning in the early stages, so don’t wait. If you believe you may have eaten Human food, seek help immediately.”

On This Day—October 24, 2016: Weather, Human Direct Investment blamed for rising number of Humans in Park

By

Carrots growingOnce again, the weather and Human Direct Investment (HDI) have been blamed for the rising number of Humans we continue to encounter in The Park.

In an interview on TMD Radio this morning, A.P. Civet spoke of his group’s concern that Humans are harvesting even more crops this year due to what he called an “unprecedented extension” of the Summer season.

The president of The Park’s Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF), said he was enraged that the 2016 Archons had not dealt with the HDI situation.

“How many Animals have to go hungry before they take this seriously?” he asked, before echoing Kalliope Sun Bear’s lament at the Snowbird Farewell.

At that event, the president of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP) called the reduction of one percent for weather in the 2017 budget “a travesty” and predicted it would have a huge impact on next year’s harvest.

“If you are not directly involved in negotiating weather deals, you have no idea how much one percent actually buys and how much of a difference that one percent can make in the amount of food we have here in The Park and in the amount of food we will have to import,” she said.

Civet also warned that until HDI is eradicated, Park Animals will have to get used to higher food prices and, probably, shortages.

On This Day—October 23, 2014: Controversial new “game” lets Animals experience capture, domestication

By

New Park gameA new game that bills itself as “the extreme Animal experience” is being criticized by many, including some of The Park’s citizen aid and action associations.

The game, which is called Kokemus!, was created by KartalTechSolutions, S.A. in association with Geoffrey’s Cat Entertainment. This is the first time that Geoffrey’s Cat Entertainment, best known for their award-winning film, Black Cats Can’t Jump, has ventured outside the world of film.

In a statement released today, leaders of the majority of The Park’s immigrant and refugee aid groups came down hard on the game, saying it “traumatized the young, caused and promoted fear, and made light of the real experiences suffered by Park Animals.”

Angus Deerhound, media relations representative for Runaway Rovers, a group that assists formerly domestic Canines, called the game “despicable” and suggested that it be outlawed as soon as possible.

“If the creators of this game knew anything about the situations they depict as fictional, they would never have produced such a thing. It is an insult to any Animal who has survived enforced domestication,” he said.

Inez Gallina, President of Home to Roost, echoed Deerhound’s sentiments this morning in an interview on CLucK Radio.

“They [the creators] must be heartless to suggest that it’s fun to put Animals through the kind of trauma that we see every day,” she said.

But Talia Katsikas, Founder and Director of the Working Wounded Performing Arts Company, praised the game.

“Anything that raises awareness of the plight of those who have experienced enforced domestication or suffered the pain and loneliness of immigration, is a positive thing, in my view. The more they play that game, the greater will be their understanding of many of our fellow citizens. We should all welcome any opportunity to spend some time in another Animal’s coat,” she said.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

February 2026
M T W T F S S
 1
2345678
9101112131415
16171819202122
232425262728