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“Think Safety” the theme of this year’s travel advisory, say police, DWBS

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The theme of this year’s travel advisory is “Think Safety.

As they issued their annual advisory for travel both inside and outside The Park, the police and the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) warned Animals to be “extra-vigilant” when interacting with Humans this holiday season.

“As usual, be aware of your surroundings and be vigilant when interacting with Humans. But be aware that certain events that occurred this year in the Human world may have an effect on Humans’ encounters with other Animals,” the advisory warns.

In particular, Animals are warned against interacting with Humans who exhibit sentimental behaviour or who appear to be seeking comfort through association with other Animals.

“Park Animals should be on the lookout for a number of types of suspicious behaviour displayed by Humans. If, for instance, Humans attempt to entice you with food, make cooing noises at you or call you by names with which you are not familiar (such as ‘sweetie’ or ‘cutie’), if they speak of their desire for ‘animal companionship,’ ‘snuggles,’ or if say that they want to ‘rescue’ or ‘save’ you, this should prompt you to leave their company immediately. Do not hesitate to do so,” the advisory says.

“The sentimentality of the season has always affected Human behaviour and made them more likely to succumb to urges to take Animals home with them or to give them as gifts to other Humans,” says DWBS Director of Public Relations, Cornelius Kakapo.

“But this year, that urge may be stronger, with many more Humans having been combatants in war or having been displaced from their homelands. Under normal circumstances, Humans easily lose the ability to see Animals as captains of their own destiny and believe they’re doing good when they remove us forcibly from our homes and families. Under even more strained circumstances, they can begin to believe that Animals exist for their own benefit and comfort,” he says.

Any Animal who does experience a problem with Humans is encouraged to report the incident immediately to one of the following DWBS hotlines:

Feral Cat Helpline: 1-899-33725228
Assaulted Animals Helpline: 1-899-27728583
Missing Animals Registry: 1-899-64774642
Missing Family Members Report: 1-899-32645966
Youthline (Kittens, Puppies, Cubs, etc.): 1-899-96884546

DWBS to deliver first “State of Hate in The Park” report early in the new year

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3 binders

DWBS will deliver the “State of Hate” report early in the new year

The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) announced today that it will deliver its report on the state of hate in The Park early in January 2016.[pullquote]We wish to address these problems as soon as possible and to restore The Park’s reputation as a safe haven for all Animals.—2015 Archons, DWBS[/pullquote]

DWBS director of public relations Cornelius Kakapo addressed the issue at a press conference this morning.

“It is our duty to report that, as requested by the Archons, the members of our department have completed the task of analyzing the number and severity of incidents of a hateful and/or specist nature that occurred in The Park over the past three years. We will be presenting this report to the Archons before their term ends on January 16,” he said.

The report has been divided into three parts, Kakapo said. The first part will offer a “full analysis” of the incidents that occurred. The second part will focus on the reasons for these acts of hate, while the third part of the report will offer what Kakapo called a “range” of recommendations for reducing—and eventually eliminating—these kinds of incidents.

In their original mandate, the Archons emphasized that the perpetrators of these incidents were a “small minority.” Kakapo said the department had come to the same conclusion, but he acknowledged that The Park had seen its worst year ever in this regard and he cited the arrest of six Animals for stripespotting and the establishment of the SplotchWatch web site as evidence of that.

He concluded the press event by echoing the Archons’ words:

“We wish to address these problems as soon as possible and to restore The Park’s reputation as a safe haven for all Animals.”

Winter Solstice celebrations extended

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Winter SolsticeBREAKING NEWS

The hours for this year’s Celebration of the Winter Solstice have been extended.

In a short communiqué this morning, the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations announced that the festivities will officially end at 3:00 a.m. December 22. Food stations will remain open until 2:00 a.m. and entertainment will continue until 2:30 a.m.

“Due to the lateness of the solstice itself, which will occur tonight at 11:49 Park Time (4:49 Universal Time), we thought it best to extend the official hours of the celebration,” the communiqué said.

The department confirmed that all restaurants and vendors had agreed to the extension. In addition, Herman Stoat announced an encore performance by his dance company at half past midnight.

Faramund Stinktier signs two-book deal with Prionailurus Press

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Faramund Stinktier

Stinktier memoir, “The Skunk Who Would Be A Zebra” to be published next year.

Faramund Stinktier has signed a lucrative two-book deal with Prionailurus Press.

The Reekabilly star, composer, and the most famous half of the SCENTient Beings duo announced yesterday that he has come to a “very favourable arrangement” with the esteemed Park publisher.

In a separate press release, Momoko Yamaneko, Editor-in-Chief of Prionailurus Press, confirmed the deal.

“Prionailurus Press is pleased to announce that, in keeping with our most recent mandate, we have welcomed Faramund Stinktier to our stable of writers. We look forward to working with him on two books, the first of which will be published in the coming year,” the press release said.

The name of that book, according to the press release, is “The Skunk Who Would Be A Zebra,” and as its title suggests, it is Stinktier’s memoir.

The singer shocked Park residents when he announced in September that he believed he was always meant to be a Zebra. He made the announcement while a guest on the Yannis Tavros radio show. In the few months that have followed, he says, he has experienced “great joy” but also “enormous sorrow” due to his shunning by members of his own and other species.

The publisher’s press release contains no information on the second book, but it is believed to be a book about music.

Prionailurus Press announced last April that it intended to promote the work of The Park’s striped and spotted community and in a brief telephone interview, Yamaneko confirmed that this is the mandate to which she referred in her company’s communiqué.

SCENTient Beings will perform at the Celebration of the Winter Solstice on December 21.

Last Stand to join lineup at expanded Celebration of the Winter Solstice

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Winter Solstice celebrationsLast Stand, the newly-formed band whose members all hail from endangered species, will be just one of the additions to this year’s Celebration of the Winter Solstice, it has been announced.

At a short press event this morning, Aintza Kanariar, Director of Public Relations for the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations, confirmed not only the department’s invitation to the band but a number of other novel additions to the celebration’s lineup.

“We are taking a leaf out of the Groundhog Dog playbook,” Kanariar joked, as she listed a number of different performers and activities that will make their Winter Solstice début this year.

Along with Last Stand, whose founder and lead guitarist RAYdius tweeted out his delight at the invitation this morning, the celebration will include other musicians who have never performed at the Solstice, such as NIML. As well, there will be karaoke, stand-up comedy, poetry readings, tail painting, dancing, games, and athletics, among other things.

But Kanariar was quick to reassure attendants that all of the past celebratory items will be on the menu this year, as well.

“Our celebrants count on us to retain certain aspects of the event, and we promise we won’t let them down,” she said.

To that end, Kanariar confirmed that the celebration will include an original dance choreographed for the occasion by Herman Stoat and performed by his eponymous dance company. The entertainment will also include jugglers, clowns, a Human imitator, painting by students from the Hani Gajah School of Art, and costume dress-up events hosted by the Park Historical Society.

And, as always, a major component of the festivities will be the food. The suppliers of this year’s fare include The Cackling Goose Tavern, The Battering Ram Café, The Compost Heap, The Broop ‘n Miaow, The Draft, and The Pound Gastropub. Appetizers will be served for the first two hours of the celebration courtesy of Chef Mikko Tiikeri’s The Feeding Station. Ants in Your Pantry and Provisions by Petrounel will once again send all attendees home with tasty party favours.

The complete itinerary for the event will be released shortly, Kanariar said.

The Celebration of the Winter Solstice begins at sunrise on December 21. Food will be served until 11:00 pm.

Harmonious Hannah abduction: police probe link to Tartan Crab murder

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Harmonious HannahBREAKING NEWS

Park Police confirmed today that they are investigating a possible connection between the September abduction of Harmonious Hannah and the 2004 murder of the Tartan Crab.

At a press conference held this morning, Chief Inspector Martin of the Murder Investigations Unit said the two crimes bear similarities that have led police to suspect a connection.

“Without going into too much detail, I can confirm that certain aspects of these cases have led us to believe there is a connection between the two crimes,” he said.

The Inspector, who has worked on the Tartan Crab murder case from the beginning, said he always felt police would be able to solve the mysterious death.

“Many in The Park consider it [the Tartan Crab case] to be a cold case, but I can tell you that police have never treated it that way. It is an open investigation to this day,” he said.

But the recovery of Harmonious Hannah, Martin says, has yielded more information than police have had access to in the last five years.

The oversized stuff toy is one half of the “harmonious pair” used by the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS) to foster interspecial harmony among youth. She went missing in September after working a particularly difficult Stereotype Sunday and was recovered from a dumpster on November 20.

Martin said that Hannah had undergone extensive testing at the Park Police’s crime laboratory and although he offered no details as to the results, he confirmed that police had gleaned “very valuable” information from them.

Hannah remains in police custody “for the time being,” Martin said, but she will be released to the DWBS as soon as possible.

Noreen to oust Yannis Tavros for one-off “Soppy Season Q&A” on Toro Talk Radio

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lovely-to-look-at-back-cover

Noreen will answer questions about the soppy season on the Yannis Tavros show

BREAKING NEWS

Noreen will be taking over Yannis Tavros’s radio show next Tuesday.

In a press release issued today, Toro Talk Radio, the station that hosts Tavros’s daily call-in show, announced that it has booked Noreen for his time slot on December 15.

“We are pleased that Noreen has accepted our invitation to appear on air and answer your most pressing questions about the ‘soppy season,’ ” the press release said.

According to the station’s management, The Mammalian Daily advice columnist and author of Lovely To Look At: What Animals Should Know About Humans will host a live “extended public service announcement” on Tuesday. She will be taking calls from the audience on the subject of keeping safe and coping with Humans during the “soppy season.”

“We’ve all come to understand just how soppy Humans can be, sometimes,” Noreen said in an interview earlier this year. “But what many of us don’t understand is how to cope with that and how to keep ourselves safe in the face of such an onslaught of emotion.”

Almost a year ago, the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS), which issues an annual safety alert at this time of year, announced that it was collaborating with Noreen on a guide for staying safe during the Human soppy seasons. While publication of that guide has been delayed, the DWBS has enlisted Noreen’s help in getting the word out through other media.

“What some Animals don’t understand is that there are many soppy seasons in the Human calendar and each one generates a different problem,” says DWBS director of public relations Cornelius Kakapo. “It is a much more complex issue than we originally thought.”

In the meantime, Toro Talk Radio has invited listeners to submit their questions beforehand as well as during the show’s airing.

“We anticipate an overflow [of questions], but be assured that Noreen will answer each and every inquiry, either on air or afterwards,” says a spokesAnimal for the radio station.

DWBS, UWT, Extinction Anxiety Clinic team up to fight Non-Hibernators’ Guilt

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Non-Hibernators' Guilt

Do you have NHG? Don’t suffer in silence. Visit a pop-up clinic today!

BREAKING NEWS

The Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS), the University of West Terrier School of Medicine, and The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic are teaming up to add might to the fight against Non-Hibernators’ Guilt (NHG).

At a small ceremony this afternoon, representatives of all three will be on hand to open the first of five pop-up clinics that will appear around The Park throughout the Winter. The clinics will serve NHG sufferers and will host information sessions to raise awareness of a condition that experts say has become “the scourge of the Winter season.”

“I think our hibernating population has been so successful in its awareness and outreach programmes over the last few years that, in a way, the result has been an increase in the number of NHG cases,” explains Dr. Gudrun L. Gibbon, a Park psychotherapist and staff member at the Extinction Anxiety Clinic.

“We’ve become so aware—hyper-aware, I would say–of the difficulties and perils of hibernation that we’ve come to believe, somehow, that we’re undeserving of the ease of our own lives,” she says.

Dr. Chloris Cougar, a researcher at the University of West Terrier’s School of Medicine, agrees.

“Not to take anything away from our hibernators, whose bodies and psyches withstand so much, but I think the story has gotten a bit skewed. Just because your species doesn’t hibernate or estivate doesn’t mean that your life is in any way easy. The goal is not to feel guilty, but to maintain respect for ourselves and our own way of life, while empathizing as much as we can with others. That’s the message we’ve tried to impart at our public information sessions in the past. Now, we’ll be able to do it one-on-one with NHG sufferers and their friends and families,” she says.

The first pop-up clinic will open this afternoon at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm. It will operate seven days a week, from noon until nine o’clock, until January 15, 2016.

Endangered species band announces dates, venues for “The Farewell Tour”

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Endangered species band

Last Stand band announced today that it will begin touring in the new year

Last Stand, the newly-formed band whose members all hail from endangered species, has announced the dates and venues of its “Farewell Tour.”

In a press release issued today, the band’s founder and lead guitarist, who goes by the name of RAYdius, declared his band to be “ready, willing, and able to embark on its first and last tour.”

But this may just be the beginning. In a radio interview yesterday, RAYdius expressed his hope that there would be more concerts to announce. He also put out a call to the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations that the new band would love to receive an invitation to appear at some of The Park’s major events.

“We’re hoping to be invited to the swearing-in ceremony of the new Archons and to the Groundhog Day celebrations, but so far, we haven’t heard anything,” he said.

Tickets for the first concert, at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre, will go on sale on Monday, December 14.

Sierpinski Squirrel replaces Blandine Okapi on Archon Transition Team

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Sierpinski Squirrel

Sierpinski Squirrel: Archon Transition Team’s newest member

Sierpinski Squirrel has joined the Archon Transition Team.

ATT spokesAnimal N.V. Hoatzin made the announcement at a short press conference yesterday afternoon.

“We are pleased to announce that Sierpinski Squirrel has joined the Archon Transition Team. We are confident that he will make an excellent team member and we look forward to working with him for a long time to come,” Hoatzin said.

The Squirrel, who is Chief Financial Officer of A. Corn and Partners, replaces Blandine Okapi, who resigned her position on the team last year, citing “philosophical differences.” This new appointment brings the team back up to its regular membership of thirteen and comes just in time for the annual transition preparations.

The addition of Sierpinski to the team was hailed by many in The Park’s political community, particularly those who are avid supporters of sortition, the lottery system by which The Park’s thirty-five Archons are chosen annually.

“I think Sierpinski was by far the best choice,” said Sylvana Rana in a radio interview this morning. The president of Save Our Political System (SOPS) said Sierpinski has “proven his loyalty to zoocracy” through his support of the political system that was established by Jor, The Park’s first leader.

The other members of the Archon Transition Team expressed their approval, as well. In a joint press release issued this morning, they welcomed Sierpinski and confirmed that the team’s first meeting would be held on December 15.

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