The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Just For a Lark: Groomer offers non-Avians feathery makeovers for Fowl Ball

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FEATHERSOne of The Park’s premier grooming houses is offering non-Avians a way to live their feathered fantasies while doing good for The Park’s winged population.

Calling it, “Just For a Lark,” The Pluming Room is offering Fowl Ball ticket holders a “full feathery makeover” for the event.

“Just stop by the shop and show us your ticket to the Ball. We’ll book you an appointment for the big day, do you up with feathers in whatever colour you fancy, and send you on your way,” says Tano Pagun, The Pluming Room’s co-owner.

Although his shop is known for its proprietary Featherrection™ service and over ninety per cent of his clients are Avians, Pagun says he has groomed many other kinds of Animals and he knows that many of them, particularly Mammals, fantasize about having feathers.

“It’s perfectly natural to want what others have, particularly when it’s so beautiful,” he says.

It’s also perfectly natural that Pagun wants to give back to those who come out to support his community.

” ‘Just For a Lark’ means more to me than just grooming some Animals for a party. It means that I can help them be who they want to be, at least for a few hours. It’s my way of thanking them for what they do for us.”

Month Without Metaphor organizer: “We’re losing ground, minute by minute.”

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MonthWMThe chief organizer of the third annual Month Without Metaphor says we’re losing ground in the fight against the unncessary embellishment of the news.

“Plain speaking is disappearing and not bit by bit, but minute by minute,” says Alvin Tinamou, publisher of The Avian Messenger and one of the initiative’s founders.

In an interview with The Mammalian Daily, Tinamou quoted statistics that he says indicate the market for what he calls “the plain, unembellished truth” has diminished substantially over the past five years.

“Journalism has given way to storytelling and it’s a slippery slope from there,” he opined. “We’re no longer reporting on an event or situation; we’re taking readers on a journey for their entertainment rather adding to their knowledge or understanding,” he said.

Tinamou contends that the problem started innocently enough, when journalists were told to broaden their reports from “just the facts” to historical, sociological, and psychological context.

“It started with context and the idea that those who work in the media could bring readers and listeners a better understanding of what was going on in The Park and in the world outside The Park,” he said. “But, somehow, that devolved into embellishment and fictionalizing,”

Tinamou said metaphors are just one aspect of the problem, but they were something that he felt could be easily targeted.

“I thought we’d start with reducing metaphors and move on from there. But we seem to be stuck in this style of writing. I don’t think new journalists know any other way,” he said.

Typos rule: Moth new face of Enforced Domestication Awareness Month

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Enforced Domestication Moth

It’s official: Nicoletta Moth becomes Enforced Domestication Awareness Month Ambassador

First, it was the missing letter in “Beasts” that turned the annual charity music festival into the “Beats of Burden.” Then, it was the Does of Peace, The Park’s newest peacekeeping group and 2015 Mammalian Daily Animals of the Year.

Now, the organizers of June’s Enforced Domestication Awareness Month (EDAM) have named the campaign’s first official ambassador. And she’s a Moth.

“We couldn’t believe it happened again,” Hercule Parrot told The Mammalian Daily yesterday.

The 2012 Chitter Radio Literary Award winner and part-time mentor at BirdBrains, The Park’s first Avian mentoring programme, joined the campaign’s organizing committee just this year. And it was his responsibility to find an ambassador for the month-long campaign.

“Don’t get me wrong. I was in no way disappointed in those who applied nor in our final choice. In fact, I wish I had thought of it myself. Moths are, of course, a species that suffers enforced domestication and exploitation and they’ve been underrepresented in our campaign and I’m sorry for that. But, of course, I was puzzled at first by the applications we received, until I took a look at our advertisement. And there it was: Moth instead of Month.”

After interviewing what Parrot calls an “amazing” number of Moths, he settled on one he says “stood out among the rest in terms of intelligence, talent, and commitment.” And her name is Nicoletta Moth.

A comedian and Animal impersonator, Moth’s most recent gig was at The Howler, where she performed for a packed house.

“I was there,” Parrot said, admitting that as an imitator himself, he wanted to see what another species could do.

“She was amazing, particularly as a Tarantula. Her Wasp is better known, but her Tarantula and Praying Mantis are to die for,” he said.

Moth will be putting her performing career on hold for the month of June this year and each year for the next three.

“We feel extremely grateful that she accepted our offer,” Parrot says. “She’ll do a world of good for enforced domestication awareness.”

Park Museum confirms basketball theft

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Flyball and the Importance of Balls in the Everyday Life of Park Animals

The basketball seen above was stolen from The Park Museum last night, police say

BREAKING NEWS

The basketball that belongs to Mammalian Daily sports columnist and balls specialist Bailey has disappeared from The Park Museum.

The ball—seen in the middle at the top of the display at left— was lent to the museum by Bailey and formed an important part of the “Flyball and the Importance of Balls in the Everyday Life of Park Animals” exhibit, which opened on May 8.

In a joint statement released early this morning, the museum and Park Police confirmed the overnight burglary.

“We regret to inform the public that The Park Museum will be closed today, as a result of an overnight burglary. Park Police will be on site for the duration of the day, gathering evidence and speaking to witnesses. Any Animal who has any knowledge of this crime or who saw anything suspicious in the area surrounding the museum yesterday afternoon, evening, or overnight, should contact Park Police right away,” the statement said.

All lands around the museum have been cordoned off for the investigation. A spokesAnimal for the police said they hoped to recover the ball as soon as possible.

“The first few hours are crucial and although the crime was not discovered until very early this morning, we are hopeful that we’ll be able to recover the ball intact today,” she said.

Beasts of Burden surprise farmers, tech companies with offer of pub for meeting

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The DraftThe Beasts of Burden have offered their pub, The Draft, as the venue for a meeting—or a series of meetings—of The Park’s farmers and technology companies. And they’re hoping their offer is one the two warring groups will not refuse.

The wildly popular band made the offer through their manager, Ignatius Herder, on the Yannis Tavros radio show yesterday afternoon.

It was as much of a surprise to him, Herder said, as it was to Tavros. Herder, a guest on the show, was discussing the rôle of music in The Park when he received a text message from the group announcing their offer of the pub.

“We heard Ignatius talking about music and its rôle in subduing dissent and in peacekeeping and it suddenly occurred to us, ‘He’s talking about us!'” said lead signer Alfredo Ox.

Not that the singers have appointed themselves peacekeepers.

“We’re nothing of the sort,” snorted Ox in an interview with The Mammalian Daily this morning. “We’re much better known for stirring up trouble. But this is an important issue and it can only be resolved by the parties involved. We thought, we’ve got a place for them where they can fight it out and maybe come to an agreement. It’s the least we can do,” he said.

As of the publication of this article, however, there has been no response to the offer either by the farmers or the technology companies.

Eggie and The Pigs, Weather Makers pull out of Anixi Agrarian Jubilee

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Eggie and The Pigs

Eggie of Eggie and The Pigs

Eggie and The Pigs will not be opening Friday’s Anixi Agrarian Jubilee.

In an announcement posted on the group’s web site, Eggie said the group did not feel it could perform at the event due to the tension between The Park’s farmers and technology companies.

“Our farmers are our most precious resource. We cannot, in all conscience, perform at an event that celebrates the beginning of the growing season if our farmers are not there. That would be an act of disrespect,” he said.

On Monday, the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF) said its members would not attend the Jubilee unless technology companies agreed to meet with its members to discuss the production and distribution of food-finding apps. Thus far, no technology company has made any move to do so.

In a separate announcement, Kalliope Sun Bear, president of the Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP), said that her members had scheduled a vote for tonight to decide whether or not to attend the event.

Jubilee chief organizer Miriam Wapiti said on Tuesday that the event would go on as scheduled, no matter what the various groups decided.

“The Jubilee does not depend on any one group. It’s a celebration of Spring and renewal that we hope all Park Animals will take part in,” she said.

Month Without Metaphor’s Mid-Term Report: no gold stars this year

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MonthWMThe mid-month statistics are in for Park media’s third annual Month Without Metaphor (MWM) and organizers say they won’t be giving out any gold stars this year unless things change significantly in the coming weeks.

“I’m surprised by these statistics. I thought we’d gotten our message across, but there’s a significant degree of slippage that’s occurred and I find it distressing,” organizer Alvin Tinamou said minutes after the report was released.

While the numbers are still slightly better than they were in MWM’s first year, they are “startlingly high,” Tinamou says.

“At this time last year, we were pleased with the results, but I take no pleasure in informing you that, on the whole, Park media has been embellishing its coverage of news more than we feel is warranted,” he said.

He did, however, praise a few publications for bringing in lower numbers. Those publications were The Avian Messenger (Tinamou’s own newspaper), The Halibut Herald, The Burro Beacon and Reptile Radio.

“And as usual,” Tinamou said, “The Marsupial Messenger has kept their metaphors to a bare minimum.”

Here are Month Without Metaphor’s mid-month results in full:

[table]
Publication,          Number of Infractions,
Toro Talk Radio,                                278
CLucK Radio,                                225
Chitter Radio,                                183
The Dingo Boomerang,                                 107
Marine Mammal Radio,                                 112
The Mollusk Messenger,                                 82
The Salamander Evening Post,                                94
Reptile Radio,                                66
The Silvestris Star,                                87
headsNtales,                                102
The Burro Beacon,                                 56
The Noodlefish News,                                 88
The Canary Courier,                                 78
bRaydio 4,                                89
The Halibut Herald,                                 65
Maple Tree Television,                                76
The Eagle Star,                                 70
The Equine Echo,                                 69
The Rodent Commoner,                                68
The Robin Reporter,                                 72
The Galliforme Gazette,                                 76
The Kaluga Register,                                 65
The Cosmopolitan Pest,                                 65
The Bluebird Free Press,                                 59
Vertebrate Vision,                                58
The Insect Intelligencer,                                66
The Panther Post,                                 86
The Polar Bear Post,                                 66
The Avian Messenger,                                 48
PRANCE Magazine,                                 57
The Blackbird Informer,                                 79
The Ornis Interpreter,                                 47
The Mammalian Daily,                                 55
LAULAA Magazine,                                39
The Raccoon Reporter,                                 40
The Simian Spectator,                                 50
The Marsupial Messenger,                                 29

[/table]

Farmers threaten to boycott Friday’s Agrarian Jubilee over food-finding apps

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Crow in coverallsThe Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF) says it will boycott Friday’s annual Anixi Agrarian Jubilee unless The Park’s technology sector comes to the table to discuss its concerns over the proliferation of food-finding apps.

In a statement released to media this morning, SCPCPGF president A.P. Civet called on tech companies to listen to what his group has to say about the future of food and its availability in The Park.

“The issue is not whether technology should be involved in the production and distribution of food. Of course it should. The issue is where and when, under what circumstances and for what purpose,” Civet says in the statement.

The dispute between the two sectors dates back to the beginning of Tulip Season in March, when apps such as Bulb Beacon and TulipTracker became available. The SCPCPGF expressed its concern that the apps had been released too soon and Park farmers hadn’t had a chance to amp up food production in order to meet the growing expectations of our population. Civet contended that the “natural” ways of finding food allowed for a more even distribution of food.

“If all Park residents were to use these apps, our food sources would dry up within days and we would be forced to import even more food from outside The Park,” he said.

In the media statement released the morning, Civet expressed his disappointment that technology companies hadn’t responded to his many invitations to discuss the issue.

“We are all in this together. I don’t understand why they’re not willing [to discuss the issue].

As of this morning, none of The Park’s technology companies that produce food-finding apps has responded to the threat of the boycott.

Have your say! Who should deliver the 2016 UWT commencement address?

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The President and Governors of the University of West Terrier want to hear from you! Which Animal would you choose to deliver the 2016 commencement address?

Make your choice from among the ten candidates listed in the poll below or feel free to write in your own suggestion beside the “Other” box.

Please note: The poll closes May 21, 2016. Vote now!

Stand-alone education advocates use buttons to kick off new campaign

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STUPIDITY ButtonMr. Justice Augustus Dindon usually keeps to himself, but this weekend we’ll be seeing his image everywhere, if a new pro-education group has its way.

The group, which calls itself “Park Citizens for Stand-Alone Education,” has used the judge’s image and his most recent ruling that all Animals have the right to remain stupid, to kick off their campaign in favour of building stand-alone educational institutions for The Park’s young.

In a statement released this morning, the group says that it’s high time the Archons faced the truth about education in The Park.

“We’ve been talking around this issue for some time and nothing has been done to improve the quality of education here [in The Park]. We are taking the issue to Park citizens, to the Archons and to the budget committee and Park Finance Officer Abeja. We need to provide quality education for our young in a separate environment from their home and we need to see to it immediately,” says the statement, which was written by Domoina Fossa, the group’s head.

Fossa has some experience in this area. As a professor at the F. Varrah Flanagan School of Education at the University of West Terrier and the head researcher of a study commissioned by the 2011 Archons, she concluded that the majority of Park Animals were home-schooled and that “this type of system does not work in a modern Park, with so many species trying to live together harmoniously.”

Fossa says she still stands by that opinion.

“We believe the interspecial strife that has escalated over the past few years could be mitigated by introducing Animals to other species at an early point in their lives. And in addition to that, we believe that using trained teachers is the best way to impart knowledge. Not all parents are capable of doing that,” she says.

The group will be out in full force over the weekend, handing out buttons and talking to citizens about education and the future of The Park.

“I can’t wait to get going on this campaign. The future is now,” says Fossa.

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