The Mammalian Daily

Satirical fiction in newspaper form

Lovely to look at - Book by Noreen

Gunnar Rotte accepts part-time position as counsellor at Extinction Anxiety Clinic

By

Extinction Anxiety Clinic

The Extinction Anxiety Clinic made Gunnar Rotte an offer he couldn’t refuse

Beginning in January, Gunnar Rotte will be working part-time as a counsellor at The Park’s Extinction Anxiety Clinic.[pullquote]I was raised on a traumatic narrative. The members of my species are under constant threat. For that reason, I think I have something valuable to offer those who suffer from extinction anxiety.—Rodent Commoner reporter Gunnar Rotte.

The beleaguered Rodent Commoner reporter made the announcement this morning, almost a year to the day since the publication of his controversial editorial made him an enemy of The Park’s striped and spotted population.

In the announcement, which was embedded in a second editorial, Rotte said the clinic had made him “an offer that he couldn’t refuse.”

“I was raised on a traumatic narrative. The members of my species are under constant threat. For that reason, I think I have something valuable to offer those who suffer from extinction anxiety. I am honoured that the clinic considered me for this position and I look forward to making the best of this opportunity,” the announcement said.

According to the EAC head, Dr. Berthilidis Strix, Rotte will be working at the clinic’s second location, which is set to open in January. The new clinic, which will be located in a building adjacent to the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, will take over a space that was previously used by the Small Ball Fever Research Group.

Rotte will work two evenings a week and one full day on the weekend, Dr. Strix confirmed.

In today’s piece, Rotte thanked his editor and his colleagues at The Rodent Commoner for supporting his newest effort and said that he has no plans to leave his current post.

“I love my job here. I just want to do more and I am grateful to be given the opportunity,” he said.

TMD Exclusive: Stinktier throws his hat in the ring for 2016 Keeper of the Nut

By

Faramund Stinktier

Faramund Stinktier’s name appears on the short list for 2016 Keeper of the Nut

TMD EXCLUSIVE
Two sources have confirmed to The Mammalian Daily that Faramund Stinktier, one half of the SCENTient Beings duo, is among those being considered for the position of 2016 Keeper of the Nut.

One source who wishes not to be named in this article told The Mammalian Daily that Stinktier’s name appears on the short list for the position.

“His name was put forward by another Animal of the same species,” the source told The Mammalian Daily. The same information was posted on the gossip web site headsNtales and confirmed this morning in an email sent to The Mammalian Daily by the site’s co-founder, Hortencia Guacamayo.

Stinktier, a brilliant composer and performer who is considered to be the inventor of the wildly popular “Reekabilly” style of music, received a lot of press in September after he admitted to radio talk show host Yannis Tavros that he believed that he was meant to be a Zebra instead of a Skunk. Since then, he has been both praised and criticized, but he has refused to retire from public view. Those who know him say they’re not surprised that he’s allowed his name to stand for Keeper of the Nut rather than requesting it be removed.

“Faramund isn’t in hiding, even if some would prefer him to be. He wants to live his life just as he did before, except he wants to live it now as a Zebra,” said a longtime friend.

The position, which is now largely symbolic, represents trust among the species. The Keeper of the Nut is chosen annually on November 11, by ballots cast by members of the Small Animal Hibernating Community (SAHC). The Surrender of the Nut to the Keeper of the Nut takes place each year on November 14.

Click here for more information on the Keeper of the Nut.

The polls are open, the race is on. May the best candidate become POPS 2016

By

POPS 2016

Cast your vote today for 2016 POPS!

The polls are open.

At sixteen different stations around The Park, the ballots are neatly stacked and election officials stand at the ready to assist voters as they file in.

“The race is on. All that’s left is for Park Animals to tick whichever box belongs to the candidate they think will perform the duties of POPS best,” said an exhausted-looking Gerritt Wezel this morning.

If voter turnout is as high as it has been over the past few years, the Park Election Office head estimates it will take at least three days to count the votes and determine which of the 207 candidates will be 2016’s Park Official Prognosticator of Spring.

“However long it takes, though, you’ll know almost as soon as we know,” Wezel says.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT TODAY’S ELECTION

  • The polls will be open until 11:00 pm
  • All adult resident Animals are eligible to vote
  • ID is recommended but not mandatory

POPS election update: so many candidates, so little time for debate

By

Elections AheadLATE BREAKING NEWS

The numbers are in and they’re huge.

When Park Election Office head Gerritt Wezel booked today’s press conference, he didn’t expect to have to postpone it. But that he did— twice—because even though registration closed at noon, it took over three hours for Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon to certify the registration forms.

And the final number?

“Would you believe two hundred and seven?” Wezel told the press. “And only twenty per cent of those are repeats.”

Given the numbers and the limited amount of time for debate, those twenty per cent may regret their decision to stand as candidates.

That’s because, according to new rules put in place today, repeaters will be allowed to speak for only one minute, exactly half the time allotted to new candidates.

“We had to draw the line somewhere, or the debate would go on all night,” Wezel said. “And since we’ve already heard from them, I think that’s fair.”

As it is, since the debate will last almost seven hours, the starting time has been moved up to two o’clock in the afternoon. Candidates will begin filling the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre at noon, Wezel said, but attendees will not be allowed in until one.

If you’re planning to stay for the entire thing, however, there is one bright spot: refreshments will be available until eight o’clock, courtesy of The Compost Heap and The Battering Ram Café.

WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW

  • The debate starts at two o’clock
  • Attendees may come and go as they please
  • There is no age limit, but remember that very young Animals may cause a disturbance and delay the proceedings
  • Refreshments are available until eight o’clock
  • POPS Election Day is November 7

Election Office braces for deluge of POPS candidates as deadline looms

By

Elections AheadThe Park Election Office is now housed in two offices and even that amount of space has proven insufficient for its purposes.

“I told the Archons we’re going to have to go digital next year or we’ll have to build our own building,” laughs Gerritt Wezel.

But the PEO head isn’t really in the mood for jokes. Taking a break from sorting through the piles of registration forms that candidates for Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS) have dropped off just this week, Wezel waxes nostalgic about his early days on the job.

“I remember—and it seems not that long ago—when the debates had three or four Animals. One year it was six. And we thought we were overwhelmed then,” he sighs.

Last year, that number swelled to one hundred and forty-five and Wezel estimates that, this year, almost three hundred Animals will stand as candidates for the position. And while Wezel he says he’s happy about the high level of participation, he has some doubts about the seriousness of some of the candidates.

“Just because you can apply, it doesn’t mean that you should,” he says matter-of-factly.

Wezel isn’t the only one who has concerns. Two years ago, he met with the Archons to suggest ways in which they might be able to keep the numbers down and focus on candidate appropriateness. His suggestion that candidates be forced to meet specified qualifications was met with resistance, he says. But even at that time, they acknowledged they would have to find some kind of solution to the problem that had resulted from the 2003 decision to hold elections for the position.

In the meantime, Wezel spends his days sorting and counting and hoping the candidates will be able to whittle down their message to one to two seconds come Friday.

“If not, we’ll be listening to them from dawn to dusk and that’s no way to choose the POPS,” he says.

In case you are thinking about standing as a candidate for Park Official Prognosticator of Spring (POPS), this is what you should know:

JUST THE FACTS

1. You have until noon on November 5 to have your name officially entered as a candidate.
2. The names of all candidates will be released at 2:00 a.m. on November 6.
3. POPS hopefuls are allowed to campaign for votes until 8:00 p.m. on November 6.
4. The all-candidates debate begins at 8:00 p.m. on November 6.
5. Animals are not allowed to campaign on election day, November 7.

Hieronymous Hedgehog named Park’s first official Hibernation Ambassador

By

Hieronymous HedgehogHieronymous Hedgehog  has been chosen as The Park’s first official Hibernation Ambassador.[pullquote]This is by no means a ceremonial position.—Chief Archon Abayomi Cuckoo[/pullquote]

Chief Archon Abayomi Cuckoo made the announcement at a press event in front of the Wishing Well this morning.

With Hieronymous at her side, Cuckoo spoke briefly about the creation of the position and the responsibilities involved.

“This is by no means a ceremonial position,” she said emphatically. “After a series of consultations with a number of groups actively engaged in advocating for interspecial harmony, we Archons decided it was time to expand our own advocacy rôle beyond Stereotype Sundays,” she said.

The position, which has a term of five years, is the first of several that the Archons will be creating in the next few months until their term ends in January, Cuckoo told reporters.

The new Hibernation Ambassador will peform a variety of duties, with an emphasis on educating other Animals about hibernation and advocating for tolerance among species.

Hieronymous will be sworn in on the morning of Tuesday, November 2.

“We will have to keep the ceremony brief,” Cuckoo said. “He has a lot to do between then and November 17 [the official date of hibernation].”

Less than three weeks left to confirm your eligibility for Archon selection: DPA

By

Do your duty: Confirm your eligibility for Archon selection by the end of October

The Department of Political Administration (DPA) has issued a reminder to all Park citizens: you have until the end of October to confirm your eligibility to stand as a candidate for Archon.

“The department wishes to remind all adult Park citizens that, by law, they must confirm their eligibility to stand as candidates for Archon and they must do so by the end of October,” says the reminder.

According to the rules of zoocracy, illness constitutes the only exception to this rule. Animals who are ill and who believe they would be unable to fulfil their duties as Archon due to their illness are required to advise the department of their circumstances by submitting a Form 12.

“Since sortition is the method by which we select Archons, we depend on the full cooperation of adult citizens,” DPA spokesAnimal Antoinette Fourmi said in a radio interview this morning.

And lest you consider withholding your name for any reason, Fourmi reminded listeners that last year, one citizen did just that and found himself charged and convicted  of “Cease to Care.”

“Because all of this was established at the time of zoocracy as an obligation of citizenship, we take it very seriously when Animals refuse to participate,” she said.

Justice Dindon to rule on injunction against Department of Holidays, Festivals and Celebrations

By

Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon

Mr. Justice Dindon will rule on an injunction against the Dept. of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations

BREAKING NEWS
Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon will rule this afternoon on an injunction against the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations. The injunction was sought by a coalition of Park groups, including The Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP) and the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF).

The matter stems from the Department’s refusal to allow the latter two groups to host information tables at tomorrow’s Harvest Festival.

In their petition, filed late yesterday afternoon, the groups appealed to the Justice on a number of issues, the most important of which, they say, is free speech.

“Freedom of speech and freedom of assembly are two of the most important tenets of zoocracy, as created by our founder and first leader, Jor. We maintain that the Department’s attempt to silence the WMPSAP and the SCPCPGF both violates Park law and jeopardizes the future of zoocracy,” the group’s legal representative, Delwyn Terrier, wrote in the petition.

Terrier, founding partner of Terrier, Terrier, Wolfhound and Shepherd, also represented The Park’s grooming houses in their request for an injunction against stationing police outside their businesses in advance of the Fowl Ball. Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon stayed the proceedings of that injunction in May when he decided to order the Doves and Does of Peace to attend at the grooming houses instead of police. He has yet to issue his final ruling on the subject.

A statement issued this morning by the Justice’s office, however, confirms that he will rule on the new injunction by the end of the day.

“The Justice sees this as a matter of great importance and is working toward a timely resolution of the matter,” the statement said.

Groups cry foul as “politics” nixed at 2015 Harvest Festival

By

Harvest Festival

No politics allowed at Sunday’s Harvest Festival

The Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP) and the Society of Concerned Park Cultivators, Planters, Growers, and Farmers (SCPCPGF) are crying foul this morning, after the announcement that their plans to host information booths at Sunday’s annual Harvest Festival have been nixed by the Department of Holidays, Festivals, and Celebrations.[pullquote]How can we say that we have freedom of expression in The Park when we have been told to keep quiet?—Kalliope Sun Bear, President, Weather Makers, Producers and Sellers Alliance of The Park (WMPSAP)[/pullquote]

In a terse communiqué dated yesterday, the Department reiterated its longstanding rule against promotion or lobbying of any sort at the festival. This year, however, a paragraph explicitly forbidding the dissemination of any kind of information was added to the communiqué and that is what has enraged the two groups.

“We’re not playing politics here,” said SCPCPGF president A.P. Civet in a TMD Radio interview this morning. “We are trying to inform all Animals about their food and their food growers. This is information about our very survival…information we all need to have,” he said.

In a press release issued this morning, the Weather Makers were more forceful in their opposition to the ban:

“We are used to being shut out. We’ve been shut out of every sort of meeting or activity when we believed we had something of value to bring to the table. But this is something else. We are being shut out of a public event and a public place. How can we say that we have freedom of expression in The Park when we have been told to keep quiet?”

WMPSAP president Kalliope Sun Bear confirmed later via email that she has scheduled a meeting with the group’s legal representatives to discuss launching a formal challenge to the new rule.

“This is outrageous behaviour on the part of the department. And it’s a slippery slope. We need to stop it right here before more of our rights are taken away,” she said.

Click on Noreen’s book below to get your copy now!

lovely-to-look-at-front-cover

New eBook edition cover

Margaret Atwood tweets Noreen

Join TMD on Facebook

Join TMD on Facebook

Click below to see what others say about us

CATCH UP HERE!

September 2025
M T W T F S S
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
2930