MAMMALIAN DAILY EXCLUSIVE

There are two issues that Buckminster Moose holds dear to his heart: equality for all Animals and a good quality of life in The Park.

During an exclusive interview with The Mammalian Daily conducted over a two-day period, the 2014 Chief Archon spoke emotionally about his desire to see zoocracy in The Park fulfil its promise of equality and security for Animals. And as he spoke, it became apparent that he intends to use his influence to help make that promise a reality.

Enter the “Squawkability Score,” the newest tool in the Archons’ arsenal.

“I saw it in action when I was on holiday outside The Park and I was very impressed by it. When I got back and found out that I’d been chosen Chief Archon, I decided to bring it here. We have the opportunity to tackle these issues head-on now and I am ready to do it and this tool will be of immense value to us,” he said.

The tool essentially measures quality of life or, as the Moose says, “both happiness and unhappiness.” Animals will be asked to rate their quality of life, happiness, prosperity, fulfillment, emotional well-being, etc., on a scale of 0-9. The Department of Well-Being and Safety will use this data to assess the effectiveness of current policies and to develop and implement new policies.

“The tool uses the word ‘squawkability’ because we squawk when we’re happy and proud, but we also squawk when we complain. We want to know both the good and the bad. Anything you want to tell us, we’re happy to listen to,” said the Moose.

Part Two of The Mammalian Daily’s exclusive interview with 2014 Chief Archon Buckminster Moose will appear next week.

Click here to read Part One.

Not since Small Ball Fever hit panzootic proportions seven years ago has The Park been in such a state of high alert, says the Department of Well-Being and Safety (DWBS).

At a press briefing early this morning, DWBS Director of Public Relations Cornelius Kakapo confirmed the “All Paws on Deck” state at the Park Hospital for the Afflicted and Infirm, as well as at all specialty clinics, as The Park faces the official end of hibernation tomorrow.[pullquote]“December 1 was the best and safest date we could come up with under the circumstances. But we still knew we’d taken a risk with Animals’ lives.” — Dr. Jagger Zebu, Professor of Mammalian Medicine at the University of West Terrier [/pullquote]

“Even last year, [after the] Tulip Map debacle, when we saw the largest number of Animals suffering from Tulip-Related Illness…that is going to look small in comparison to what we believe we’re about to face,” he said.

Last year’s jump in the number of cases of Tulip-Related Illness (TRI) was due to a fault in the official Tulip Map, which is used in the Spring by a large number of The Park’s residents as a tool for sourcing food.

After the map’s producers discovered the presence of toxic substances in the bulbs’ planting areas, they deemed the map unsafe and recalled it. Unfortunately, the recall came too late for the majority of hibernators and that resulted in a huge spike in the number of cases of TRI.

“Not to diminish the importance of TRI, but this year, due to our delayed hibernation, The Park’s hibernating population faces the possibility of decimation as a result of deaths from premature awakening,” says Dr. Jagger Zebu, Professor of Mammalian Medicine at the University of West Terrier.

Dr. Zebu, who is one of the authors of a report that documents the rise in the incidence of deaths due to premature awakening, was among the experts consulted by the 2013 Archons and the DWBS after the problem with the POPS election caused a delay in the official hibernation date.

On the hot seat recently as a guest of Yannis Tavros on Toro Talk Radio, Dr. Zebu admitted that the date of December 1, a full two weeks later than usual, was “the best and safest date we could come up with under the circumstances.”

“But we still knew we’d taken a risk with Animals’ lives by delaying hibernation at all. We are hoping for the best outcome possible, but we know we will have to do better in the future,” he said.

See also:

Archons bow to pressure: hibernation to begin December 1
Hospital braces for flood of Tulip-Related Illness Victims
Deaths from premature awakening on the rise: study
Park braces for panzootic as Small Ball Fever claims new victim

 

A new study out of the University of West Terrier reveals that, despite more than thirty years of anticipatory zoocracy, some Park Animals still yearn to lord it over their fellow citizens.

The study, which was conducted jointly by UWT’s Departments of Political Science and Psychology, involved 35,000 Animals resident in The Park. Over a period of four years, researchers investigated the attitudes of different species toward zoocracy and other forms of Animal self-rule, as well as those Animals’ beliefs regarding the intelligence and abilities of other species. Researchers also logged attitudinal changes that took place as both the Animals in the study and The Park’s political system matured.

The findings will no doubt create controversy, say the study’s lead researchers, psychology professor Dr. Luule Aednik and Magnus P. Marmoset, who holds UWT’s Simian Chair in Political Philosophy.

“Co-operation isn’t necessarily inherent or part of the makeup of some classes of Animals or some species,” says Aednik. “Sometimes, it’s a matter of education to get them to that point and sometimes it takes more than just a gentle nudge.”

For his part, Marmoset expressed a degree of dismay at the findings, even though he says he was not entirely surprised.

“As I have said many times, zoocracy is a new phenomenon and a fragile one. There are bound to be those who are still uncomfortable with it. We must work to ensure that it survives and that it, ultimately, thrives,” he said.

The full results of the study will appear in the April issue of the prestigious Journal of Experimental and Reactive Psychology (JERP).

The names of the 35 Animals who will form The Park’s 2014 government have been released.

In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons was posted at the Law Courts early this morning, an hour after the selection was certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.

The list will remain posted at the Law Courts until the end of the week so that Park citizens and residents may review the names, Archon Transition Team spokesAnimal N.V. Hoatzin told The Mammalian Daily.

Readers of this newspaper need look no further than the bottom of this article, however. The Mammalian Daily is the only Park newspaper given permission to publish the list of names.

The 35 Animals, who were selected to be Archons through the process of sortition, will be sworn in at a ceremony that will take place tomorrow morning at 10:00. Tens of thousands of Park citizens are expected to attend the swearing-in ceremony, which will be held at the Ancient, Open-Air Theatre. As well, many thousands more will be able to watch the event on television. The Park Broadcasting Corporation (PBC), which holds exclusive rights to the swearing-in ceremony, will once again dedicate its entire morning programming schedule to the event.

 ______________________________

ARCHONS – 2014
Moose, Buckminster Addison Carlisle Harris  (Chief Archon)
Angelshark, Horst; Anchovy, Leopold Anton; Black Toad, Duncan; Bluegill, Morley Hammond; Caecilian Ethan William; Chickadee, Norma Dakota; Colugo, Channary Am; Crapaud, Jean François; Dab, Halldora; Elephant, Anastasia Ludmila Margarita; Gavial, Ophelia; Gombessa, Sanjay; Groda, Edvin Theodor; Hornet, Xenophon; Hydra, Zephron; Isopod, Agamemnon; Junco; Elpidio Domingo; Kangaroo, Donald Liam; Locust, Abigail Chantal; Lory, Alfred Tobago; Matamata, Evelyn Isabel; Newfoundlander, Xanthippe; Nursehound, Amalfried; Panda, Astra Liliana; Pig Frog, Nelson; Rana de Cuernos, Arturo; Salamander, Leonidas; Shrew, Socrates Yorgos; Squid, Enzo Louis Raphaël; Sterlet, Florian; Swan, Ingrid Mathilde; Tuatara, Atarata; Weta, Rhinehart; Wren, Lucas Brayden

The names of the 35 Animals who will form The Park’s 2014 government will be released tomorrow.

In accordance with Section 127, subsection XII, of The Park’s Constitution, the list of new Archons will be posted at the Law Courts early tomorrow morning, an hour after the selection is certified by Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park’s Superior Court.

The Mammalian Daily will publish the list on its web site as soon as it is made public.